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Thread: Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage June '08 #2

  1. #253

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    jo--I just wanted to say that I think you're such a strong, amazing woman! It's truly inspiring that you're here supporting everyone, even when you're feeling so down! My heartfelt sympathies again for your tragic loss--it's so unfair! You and your angels, Jack and Madison, are always in my thoughts and Please take care of yourself!


  2. #254

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    Hi all,

    Rozzie - I have all my fingers/toes everything crossed for you. I so hope your test result come back good. Hopefully it is just the older equipment and next scan will have a beautiful strong heartbeat.


    Well I am in Wed to have the frostie put in. My naturopath wanted to make sure my progesterone is really good when that happens. It is amazing, my temperatures went up quite high this morning (normally it takes about 4 days after O to get a good temperature) and its all because of her tea and herbal pills.

    I am thinking of you all, and hoping to hear lots of BFP this month and hopefully mine is one of them.

    xxx Sue xxx

  3. #255

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    Rozzie - I will add my thoughts and prayers to all the others that have been sent your way. I does sound like it could just be the equipment, so hoping for a more definite heartbeat next time you go. The measurement is a good sign though. I know someone asked in the preg thread but was it an internal? I had to have all internals until 12 weeks (and even then it was hazy with the external) because I have a retroverted uterus and both my babies have sat very low in the pelvis until about 15-16 weeks which means that scans are never that clear. I just had a peek at your chart and you are right that the rise has happened earlier and it is definitely higher.

    Hi to all - so tired today. We had to travel back to DH's hometown on the weekend for a 30th - and it is a 3 hour drive plus we stopped off on the way. By the time we got there I was too tired to go to the 30th! Glad we went anyway as DH got to catch up with an old friend. We then went round yesterday so I got to say hello. It is amazing that sitting down in a car can tire me out...and I wasn't even driving!

    Sue - I am keeping my fingers and everything else crossed for you that all goes well. It sounds like the naturopath is doing great things for you. I am

  4. #256

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    Hi all
    Sorry I have been M.I.A for a while, just trying to get my head around Cooper's EDD. I think I am OK now, wasn't for a few days though! DH and I went away for the weekend which was really nice, no phones, no TV, just us, it helped clear the fog.

    Rozzie - I am and everything else I own for you, I really hope things are OK, I had spotting with all my pregnancies, it is very emotional, but it doesn't always end badly.

    Jo - You are still constantly in my thoughts

    Lan - You seem very strong throughout Hamish's Due date, I hope we can now move into a much happier chapter.

    Katie - Your ticker is flying!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You give me much needed hope for next time. Does the anxiety ever leave?

    Tildy - Yay to MS! Not the typical response, but we aren't exactly the typical pregnant people!

    To everyone else, I hope your day is bright and filled with love.

  5. #257

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    Hi Helen - glad to hear you took time out to remember Cooper's EDD and you and DH were able to spend some time just being together. It is so traumatic to lose a child, that sometimes we don't get the chance to just be 'together' with our partners, and it is so important.

    As for anxiety and does it ever go...I think it depends a lot on the woman. I can be a worrier by nature, so for me...no not entirely I am much calmer now since I have felt movement. I found the most trying times was from the early pregnancy right up until 17 or so weeks when I started getting flutters. I was very happy to move past 20 weeks as well. I still have moments of panic, but generally these are settled when I get a good kick. My DH and I want this baby girl so desperately that I think we do still have underlying fears, but I take heart from the fact that I often find myself thinking about taking the baby for walks etc which means I am in my heart looking to the future with confidence. The funny thing is, I was anxious with Nathaniel, and I think somehow I knew things weren't right - I have no idea why or how this could be but I don't remember ever having clear memories of what I imagined life would be like if he made it full term. I know for definite that by 18 or so weeks I knew with him that something was wrong but I didn't understand. This time I am so much for in-tune with myself that I think I would call my Ob the moment I had a true niggle. I am proud to say that with all my hundreds of scans etc, I have never felt the need to call my Ob with a worry - I have always been able to wait until I had an appointment.

    Phew...so there you go. And yes the ticker is looking good - it gives me hope as well. I am glad it does for all of you. Never sure if us 'preggos' should leave you ladies to get on with your TTC - but for me I always loved knowing that others were getting their earth babies - it kept me motivated.

  6. #258

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    No Katie, you should not leave us alone. Your ticker alone is like a big fat banner saying 'you can do it!' to me :-)

    Helen, I'm glad you got to go away with DH. How do you feel now, post-EDD? I was perky on the day, wasn't I? I paid for it by being angry, depressed and listless all weekend. I really thought that something significant would change after 14 Aug but I guess the ups and downs will be here for a while. DH packed up all hand-me-down baby stuff my brother and sister gave us for Hamish on the weekend. He cried and cried. All weekend, every time I looked at him I could see Hamish running around his legs being a naughty little boy. Nothing takes that hollowness away.

    Rozzie and Tildy, I hope you both get some positive news this week. I believe in your babies.

    Good luck this Wed, Sue. 'Frostie' is such a cute way of calling your bub. Is the procedure done under general anaesthetic? How big is a Frostie?

    Jo - thinking of you and your angels everyday.

  7. #259

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    Lan - you have me in tears. Thinking of your poor DH David putting away the baby clothes and crying for Hamish - it is just too much sometimes to bear knowing the sadness that floats around all of us. Hamish probably was running around his legs being cheeky - you should always believe that he is with you. I try to find some peace (and I struggle with it) in knowing that Nathaniel will never know pain or hurt, only love and that one day he and I will be together again. You will get a chance to bring those baby clothes out again, and it will seem all the sweeter after all that you have experienced.

  8. #260

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    Hi all,

    first, thanks for all your wishes of good luck.
    The levels came back and at exactly 7 weeks my HCG is 150,000 and progesterone is 202. So to me that still sounds very pregnant, and I feel very pregnant, so it's a good outcome. The soonest I could get in for a scan is Wednesday afternoon so another couple of days until confirmation, but I feel pretty confident.

    To those who inquired, it was an internal scan. I have a retroverted uterus as well but I've had a normal dating scan at 7 weeks before so I went in with full bladder. The doctor was running 50 mins late though so I had to let some out 3 times!!! Water goes staright through me. When he went to do the scan he said my bladder was so full it was blocking the uterus, so I emptied it. Then he couldn't see anything, so he tried internal. That's when he said he saw a heartbeat and pointed at it. Then according to my husband every screenshot after that one was blurry and he said he couldn't lock down a heartbeat and said at this stage it's usually very obvious. DH is not impressed over all, wants us to consider changing doctors.

    So I suppose I play the waiting game again... from what I've read it does seem possible that hormones continue to be produced after the embryo has died but it's unlikely. So more waiting, as if the weekend wasn't bad enough!

    hugs to Lan, packing away baby stuff is so final. It's like acceptig all your dreams for this baby will never become real. We did it together the day we got home after finding out, I didn't want reminders everywhere, even though it was always on my mind.

    Rozzie

  9. #261

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    Hi all,

    Rozzie - what fantastic news I was so glad to read your message. Good luck for the scan on Wed. I have my fingers crossed that they find a strong heartbeat.

    Katie - I want you to stay online with us also. It makes me feel so positive and hopeful for my outcome.... I love hearing your stories and hopefully you will be reading mine soon.

    Hammi - I am so sorry about DH putting Hamish clothes away. It must have been so upsetting to see your DH crying. Though I thought it was absolutely beautiful that you had the vision of seeing Hamish running around his legs. He is watching over the two of you and loving his mummy and daddy.

    Hammi the frostie I am having put in is about 6 day old embryo and luckily I dont have to have any anaesthetic. It is just like having a pap smear. Though I am getting nervous as I just got a call to say that my time to have frostie put in is at 11.15 am. I will be having a couple of weeks off to relax and hopefully frostie with embed nicely. So I wont be on BB for a couple of weeks.

    Helen - what a beautiful thing to do for Coopers EDD. Sometimes we forget about our partners and spending time with them. I can understand you probably had sadness leading up to the EDD and I am glad the fog has lifted a little, though I am sure you will need a lot more time yet.

    Jen805 - I am a charting nut and I looked at your chart. Very interesting with the temperature dip and rising again..... got my fingers crossed for you...

    xxx Sue xxx

  10. #262

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    Rozzie - sounds like good news will come for you on Wed, goodluck!

    Sue - I hope everything goes well for you, and just as 2 weeks is a long time for you (I'm sure) it is a long time for us to await any news!

    Lan - Your DH seems very intouch with his emotions, my DH is the opposite, but he does try. Hamish was there loving you both...

  11. #263

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    Rozzie -- sounds great so far. I think it can often be hard to see a heartbeat on those early internal scans, and maybe you had one of the many doctors who sticks his foot in his mouth. It's sometimes hard for them to say things without making us worry, too -- I was at the doctor's just now and they always seem to leave me with more worries than answers. I think and hope that things will be fine.

    Helen -- yeah, my DH would be on the not-so-in-touch side. Or maybe he's super in-touch with his emotions but rarely has any! :P I imagine that might have made it tough to deal with the EDD in the way you needed if he is emotionally different. I think I'm going to have to find a way around that when our EDD comes, because I feel I have to do something but think I'll end up getting my feelings hurt if I try to get him to participate fully.

    Sue -- same questions as Lan, how does it work, this frostie business?

    Katie -- I hope you have a good time at this 30th party. I never responded about it ini the Pregnancy thread, but I remember you getting angry over them wanting to drink and smoke in the car. I completely understood your rant. Especially for me, I come from a very non-drinking background and will never adjust to how Swedes can't have a good time without booze. We've been to lots of weddings this summer and one of my closest friends was in her 9th month of pregnancy at 2 of them, and her husband got pretty sloshed at both of them ("She can't drink anyway, so she can drive!"). I just pointed DH in his direction and was like, "I know he's your best friend, but when that time comes for us, BIG NO NO."

    Lan -- I'm so sorry for the heartache you had to go through on your EDD. But I think it will make you stronger. I think that seeing your DH cry like that is very bittersweet and you will always know that he loves and grieves Hamish, too. A lot of us are envious that you have that kind of guy!

    Jo -- have you gotten any results yet? Or am I way too early?

    I've been to the doctor today, a follow-up after the unsatisfying trip to the emergency room. This one also managed to say "bleeding usually means miscarriage, but I suppose you might be lucky." Last time I wished they'd been more honest with me and less encouraging, but now I'm wishing they'd start lying through their teeth a little. But I guess I also noticed that I don't believe her. I don't believe that my bleeding is a bad omen, and I think things are going to be okay this time, or at least they are okay so far. Otherwise she was good and answered my questions, and talked about what she saw, which most of them don't do. Cervix was good, embryo was the perfect size with a good little ticker (though I ALWAYS have a hard time seeing it, though DH says he saw it loud and clear), she saw some blood but said it looked like such a small amount and was definitely old, she thought things looked great. And actually the bleeding calmed down over the weekend and was totally absent yesterday. They even did a urine test and checked for infections and such. So she was at least thorough.

    Now, at this point in my last pregnancy, I'd had one bright red gush of blood and they had plucked out a tiny bit of "pregnancy tissue" that had gotten stuck in my cervix and was keeping it open. Things are different this time!

    I'm getting some sort of cold or sinus infection now, so I've made an executive decision -- no work this week. I'm going to rest and rest and rest some more, and hopefully, if it stops raining, take some short walks so that I don't totally turn to jelly.

  12. #264

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    Thank you all for your well wishes.

    Basically the "frostie" business is when I had IVF in Feb, I only had one embryo put in at that stage (which is called a fresh cycle). 1 lonely little embryo was left over and so they waited a few more days and decided this little "frostie" was suitable for freezing.

    Well as my first little embryo did implant, but unfortunately I lost the bubs at 12 weeks, so we are giving the little frozen embryo a chance.

    Basically, I don't have to have any drugs, they have just waited until I ovulated (which was Sat) and then they wait for a few days (so my progesterone increases naturally) and then they defrost the embryo (fingers crossed it survives the defrosting) and then put it in and hopefully it implants and off we go again....

    If this doesnt work this month, I am off again for a full cycle of IVF with all the drugs etc to cultivate some more eggs....


    xxx Sue xxx

  13. #265

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    Good luck Sue!!

    Will be thinking of you

  14. #266

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    Hi All,

    Back again - I've been off having, well I can only call it a complete emotional breakdown. Its strange how you can feel like you are getting somewhere then BOOM out of the blue it hits. Its taken close to 4 months to realise that my Alex has really gone forever. I think there was a small part of my brain hoping that somehow this would all be fixed and one morning I would wake up and have him with us at home.

    I'm having flashbacks and dreams now. I think it was all a little blurry but now some of the terrifying parts about Alex's birth and death, have really come to the forefront. Has anyone else experienced this?

    So much has happened with you guys. Congrats to Rozzie and Hammi. It certainly gives me hope to see that you guys have done it. Glad everyone else is travelling well.

    Goodluck Sue - Hope all goes well for you.

    Danek

  15. #267

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    Oh Danek, I am sorry to hear that. I did have a time when I would look at my baby's photos and just see death - no beauty, no perfection, not the baby that I usually see but plain cold death. I was having a really hard time but it did pass and I have had much better days since.

    What are you up to now. Are you considering TTC again or have you got a timeframe? It helps to have some sort of goal to aim for otherwise you only have the past to dwell on. I'm very good at lecturing because I lecture myself all the time.

    BTW, it's the lovely Tildy and Rozzie who are preggers. Not me. I don't feel that my body is right yet. Crazy cycles etc. which I want to tame before TTC again. I'm hoping by October.

    Good luck for tomorrow Sue.

    Tildy, just reading the "miscarriage" comment that the emergency staff said to you annoyed me. At least they did do proper checks afterwards. Did they say where the blood came from? Is it near the bub?

    Thanks Helen and Katie for your kind words of understanding. You know how much the right words can mean!
    Last edited by Hammi; August 19th, 2008 at 01:23 PM.

  16. #268

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    Oops - Congratulations Tildy! I'm a little muddled here.

    Hammi - We will soon be TTC but haven't set a timeline. I really want to feel healthier before we start - I don't know when that will happen.

    Cheers

    D

  17. #269

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    hey everyone...
    danek - i am probably the least good mindframe person to talk you right now, but i could'nt not say that i at least understand exactly how you feel. i had tjose moments after Jack, i would be doing ok and then it would hit me like a ton of bricks. And now that i have lost Madison too i am terrified of that same thing again. I am almost still in denial a bit at the moment and i am so worried about when the true grieving starts. (which i imagine will be at her service and cremation.) I truely believe there is'nt a "time" that we should get over something like losing a child, a part of it will remain with us always. but if you feel it is something you can't control, please get someone to talk to and help you clear your heart and mind a little.
    sue - i am hoping with everything i have that this frostie sticks for you! i look forward to some wonderful news!!!
    katie - now that i am back on the other side again - DO NOT LEAVE! I think you will continue to inspire all of us who are dreaming of another baby! i have sent you a pm!
    hammi - to you also, a pm reply!
    tildy - you are so strong and just amazing! keep holding tight to those positive thoughts and continue to demand the treatment and answers that you deserve! I also have one of those husbands - we have had a few fights about how quickly he moved on from Jack but i know that having a late loss for a 2nd time now with Madison, hit home a little more. My OB even said how "gutted" he looked in hospital and recommended he get some counselling which he would NEVER do. It does make it hard when we continue to grieve and hold tighter to memories and they don't seem to fully understand why we do that.
    rozzie -continuing to cross those fingers and toes on wed, but all is sounding much better for you! yay!
    helen - i think it is wonderful you went away with no distractions and allowed you and DH to spend some much needed time together. Its such a tough time and you both will be stronger for it! take care of you!!! xx
    thanks so much for your constant thoughts everyone! It means so much! love and hugs to you all!
    jo

  18. #270

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    Jo,

    You're an amazing woman to have the strength to offer others support at this time. I hope the service for your baby girl goes well and doesn't hit you too hard. Wishing you and your DH and kiddies lots of hugs!

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