Miss Tess - my heartfelt condolences for your beautiful and much loved Mathew. The death of a child is a true tragedy... I hope you are healing as best you can. It is good news you're tcc again, I do hope your stay in the ttc roller coaster is brief..... it takes more courage than most people would ever know to ttc. I agree with the rest of the girls here - this is a great thread, heartbreaking at times, but this is my spiritual home on BB.
Kateo - oh my sweetie - blossom loss of faith in your body, feeling like you've failed, sadly are all "normal" parts of the grief journey, unhealthy and unfair parts but normal. However my sweet, remember you have done nothing wrong, you have not done anything to "deserve" the death of your darling daughter and you have not let anyone down. The death of a child is a heartbreaking tragedy. Sad things happen to good people. If you still feel like you are to blame, please seek some help from a counsellor..... because you are not to blame and you have let no one down. You are much to precious to beat yourself up with such burdensome thoughts. I can't offer any advice about how to cope with IVF, as I have not travelled that path.
Although my journey has been different to each of yours, I do speak from experience of the tragedy of multiple losses. I'll summarise for you , it is in my signature, but there's also a ticker in my signature which I choose not to activate when I am in the TTC threads. I have been pregnant 5 times and no bubs at home. The first is a story for another time. My true understanding of heartache started in July 08 when I miscarried at 8 weeks. I then experienced the extremely premature birth, labour & death of my daughter at 23 weeks in Feb 09 and then the live miscarriage & death of my son in July 09 at 14 weeks and the extremely premature birth, labour & death of his twin sister at 19 weeks in August 09. I am currently blessed with a pregnancy.... and hoping like anything the journey will involve a healthy little one. But I take nothing, absolutely nothing for granted. I was diagnosed with PCOS,and for some stupid reason accepted what I was told for almost 7 years .... I was given little chance of ever conceiving naturally given the severity of the PCOS and the particular hormonal imbalances. Boy have I proved the Dr's wrong on that count. On the other hand the reasons for the death of my children is unknown. I tell you my journey, not to garner your sympathy, but to offer some ray of hope in the aftermath of your heartache. I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined that I could experience more than one loss, and to have to carry my angels in my heart, but here I am, and I do. I have really worked at my grief, and at times have been quite hard on myself. We all have ghosts in our closets, decisions and thoughts that if we really let them, would undermine how far we've come in our grief journey. I have been truly blessed to have a wonderful obstetrician and eventually counsellor who have really helped. But also the women here on BB but particularly this thread have helped and supported me enormously. So, don't be afraid to share, because this is the place to do it.
Chris W - when do your results from your RI come back? I did accupuncture for about 4 months, going at least once per week, if not more, before this bfp, to help with my blood flow and uterine thickness levels. I don't know if it helped, but the chronic exhaustion I was experiencing lifted after every session of accupuncture and the predictions they made about my cycle and flow were always 100% right. And once when I had water in my ear for a couple of days that I couldn't get out any other way, it came out in about 10 seconds at accupuncutre. Oh my that was sweet relief. So even though I can't say for certain it worked for me, there are some positives of the treatment, and aside from anything else, it was truly glorious to have 30 mins or so just resting and listening to relaxing music during the treatment session. Good luck on Thursday with the removal of your fibroid.... hope the Dr can get that little sucker.
Gigi - I am so glad you didn't get invited, because then you didn't have to say no. Although sometimes I don't like it when people make the decision for you... and just don't invite you. But at least in your case the feeling was mutual, they didn't invite you and you didn't want to go. I have so many confluences of dates. My bestest friend had her second m/c on 28 July 08, in very much the same circumstances as me with wee Nicholas (on 28 July 09) at the same gestation. So I do know what you mean about just having an understanding with someone and not really having to talk. And precious Amelia? She was the "middle" baby due of three for myself and my two very close work colleagues... although it's hard to see the other two little boys at times, I know my Amelia walks beside them and will always be the middle baby. It was really hard but therapeutic to get to know each of the little boys throughout their first year.... it really did help me. Thankyou for remembering wee little Nicholas too.
Happy 1st birthday to your DD. I am glad you got to spend it with friends, and ones who can really understand your journey.
Have you been out dancing lately? Do you have plans to? I remember how happy you were after your last little chance to bogey. I think I might almost be getting close to asking you whether you'd take some glam shots of me... it would mean a trip to Brissy for you. I can't travel too far. But depending on how I am feeling and what the Obs says, I might be able to meet on the northside, but then if we did that, there would be no chance at all to take any shots with my little fur babies.....
AFM - feeling much less glum today, than I was yesterday. It's nice. Have been quite weepy, but that's probably to do with a lot of things. Only 10 more sleeps til the fur baby who is at the vets after radio active iodine treatment can come home. I can't remember who asked, but he won't need much special care when he gets home, just some love, cuddles and some space to adjust to being at home again. The vet nurses were telling me today that he hisses at them when they approach his cage ( it does my head in to think of him in a cage for all this time as well as not being able to visit him and hold him) but when they talk to him, he immediately calms down. DH said he hissed at him when he visited the other day, until he recognised DH. Poor little scaredy cat, only 10 more sleeps.
Thanks for all your kind comments.
I went to a new counsellor today. She told me I needed to change my thinking as blaming myself for Ellens death was unproductive.
I hope I can manage this.
It's nice to hear "older" women can get pregnant naturally too.
I feel exhausted today. I guess it's probably from telling the new counsellor everything
Kate
Kate - reliving your grief is always exhausting - go and snuggle up in bed with a good book or dvd or even have a sleep, do something to nuture yourself. I always fell so exhausted after counselling but at the same time have the most amazing sense of peace. Glad you went to a new counsellor - don't be afraid to search for one that you feel a connection with ( but do be careful of changing just because they challenge you.... it's part of their job to challenge thinking and thought processes). I went to a gestalt therapist once and whilst she was good and I did learn some things, in the end it was just a bit too out there for me. I went for 4 sessions, so I did persevere. You will be able to change your thinking, but it might take some time, you've had a fair bit of practise at blaming yourself. But you can do it! By the way Ellen is a beautiful name for your precious darling daughter.
Chris- Good Luck for Thursday hun. Thinking of you xoox
Kateo- Welcome and sorry you have found yourself here hun. So sorry you have lost your darling DD. Hope you find the help you need in here. I am an 'au naturale' kiddo here and have immense respect for IVF butI have not chosen that path so can't help you there. But I do understand that some sort of counselling before you take on IVF is of huge benefit. I also understand through many friends here, find alternative and complimentary therapies in conjunction with IVF can certainly help.
Sweet, go easy on yourself. These things are no ones fault as much as we sometimes need to blame or find reason. Sometimes there is just no ryhme(sp) or reason. Take care hun and be gentle with yourself. (now that i have read your update. Good on you hun...big steps today and yes no doubt very exhausted. You sound clear and bright though. Hope you enjoy the rest of your night. xoxo Dory is so wonderful with her words...and often i feel like typing...Diddo!
Dory- Hey gorgeous....of course I could come and take some shots for you. I just can't promise too much. I am am very much learning and will need your help to be creative. I would love to take pickies of your belly baby! PM your email address and we can think about something when you are ready. If you cancel and don't feel like it...that is fine. But for your health and comfort- your home is best unless you have something else in mind. xoxo can chat later. xxoxo
I am so tired guys..have to go.
Love and peace to all xoox
Ok that took me too long to write...i have to update as other posts come in in the meantme. xoxo
Wow! Thanks to you all for your wise words of wisdom and your support.
I sometimes think Ellen dying wasn't my fault. Then I think of all the things I could have done to try and save her. I guess I never really considered she'd die!
I am off to see an acupuncturist/chinese medicine person on Monday. She is a woman I teach riding to so it's nice we already have a connection.
Hubby has booked us in for a short holiday together next week bless him!
Hopefully these combined might mean I don't need IVF next month......wouldn't that be wonderful?
I am so sorry to hear of the losses of other people here. It is so sad!
I wrote a poem about that
Here it is
This club I’ve joined is really lonely
Although there are members everywhere
It is not a happy or a cheerful club
It’s a quiet very private affair
It’s not a club you’d want to join
Joining up not something to win
No money buys your membership
Death of a loved child is the only way in
This club is really special
People don’t know until they’ve joined
That they’ve become members forever
To a club that will keep and will bind
There are not only parents in this club
There are whole families grieving in there
There are people who seem to be coping
Almost all of us wish were we weren’t here
The strange thing I find about this club
It’s a club about which we don’t know
Until we became a lifelong member
At the death of each child members grow
The club it does not have a club house
Or a special sports game we all play
It does not have set rules and regulations
“I’ve lost my loved child”, is all members say.
If you live in the happy and the normal world
Then you did not know that this club was here.
It was something you did not even think of
Something you thought you would not have to bear
The parents and families in this club
Will grieve hard and long throughout their lives
For this club holds their membership forever
Without their babies normal life is just lies.
So each day as we wake we remember
That we’ll live long and go on our way
As a parent, grandparent or sibling
In this club we’ll miss loved ones each day
Oh sweety, that is wonderful and so true. You are so clever.
You brought a tear to my eye. I am comfortable with my tears though hun, so don't feel bad. Sometimes it is nice to be sad.
Love and thanks to you xoxo
Kate - that was a wonderful poem, hun. It rings so true. It's too easy to turn inward and become isolated, so I'm glad you and DH are talking to a counselor and that you're here with us. This is such a hard thing to bear alone and you just don't have to. There are so many of us (too many) who understand and are here to support you. Big hugs sweetie. You are not alone.
Dory - I should be hearing back from the RI in about 2 weeks (no set date yet - just waiting for test results). FX that she comes up with something, otherwise we're going to stop TTC. No point continuing when we just keep losing them. I think she has something in mind, though, since she already sent me home with the Lovenox 'home kit'. BTW - is your kitty home yet? Have the treatments been successful? FX for your furbaby. I would be a mess if I had to be seperated from mine for that long, but I'm sure I could do it for their health's sake.
AFM- Kinda nervous about the surgery tomorrow. Hate needles and REALLY tired of being poked. Thanks for everyone's well-wishes. I'll write back to let you know how it goes as soon as I'm recovered. DH says I was pretty goofy for a few days after the last one (medication and all). I don't quite remember it that way, but if my next post doesn't make any sense, then at least you'll know why!
Chris, good luck today hun, will be thinking of you xxx
Kate, what a truly beautiful poem. It, too, brought tears to my eyes, the words are so true and only a parent who's lost a child would understand. Big hugs hun, hope you're doing OK.
Dory, I hope your fur baby is back with you. I still miss my Pooky every day. Wish she was here.
Hi to everyone else, lots of sticky vibes and baby dust to all.
b xxx
Joshua Andrew born an angel 1 October 2008, 21 weeks
Cameron Oliver born safely on 16 March 2010. The love of our lives!
Gigi - I am with you girl, I am comfortable with my tears too.... I will let you know when I am feeling courageous and glamourous...
Chris - LOL re being a bit goofy for a few days.... make the most of it... and go well and recovery quickly... looking forward to hearing you're on the mend.
Beata - thanks for remembering..
Kate - a very moving poem... too true.
Fur baby has 8 more sleeps til he comes home.... not that I am counting or anything. He has to go for an appointment 6 weeks after his treatment ( 3 weeks after he comes home) for more blood tests to see if the treatment was successful. I went to the vets today to drop off some more "toys" for him and to pay off some more of the bill. I got to talking to one of the receptionists, and she was asking if I'd have some time with my fur baby before the big day, and asked about this being my first.... the question that always confounds me, so I answered "first this far". Sometimes its interesting when you share.... she told me she had lost babies too and whilst she was hospitalised when her DS was born, her DH took her home to see her cats, when the hospital encouraged them to go out to dinner together....LOL... crazy cat ladies have so much in common.
Thanks Dory, You just caught me...bout to turn the computer off for the day.
I have been good, a bit up and down but when I am good I am great. It is funny hey how a day can bring up such highs and lows. Swinging, I call it. I am swinging today, from happiness to little spots of teariness. It is a wonder my DH puts up with me. I think today was more real than DDs EDD a couple of weeks ago. We both woke up and wished DD was ripping my presnts open. But I am cool. going well.
Happy Birthday Gigi!!!!! I hope you had a nice day sweetie I wish you all the happiness in the world, may the next year bring you joy, love, lots of luck and good health. It's time for some serious dreams to come true darling! I hope your next birthday is spent with an earthside bubbie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Happy Birthday GIGI! Hope you had a great day and it's great you managed to feel ok on the day. Make sure you do something special for yourself! Thanks also for the fantastic advice. I was truly petrified of what to expect and your calm words certainly helped me at that very difficult point.
To everyone who has given me their messages of support, THANK YOU! It's been a really rough week and whilst I have come to terms with the miscarriage, I'm now facing a whole new battle with questions like "will this happen again", "will I be able to fall pregnant again", "why did this happen", questions I'm sure we are all too familiar with!
To the newbies, welcome and thanks for sharing your stories. I've shed a lot of tears as I've hovered this week. It's a tough spot to be in but the success stories that come out of this thread should keep us all going! Good luck with your ttc journeys and may they be short.
AFM - I'm doing ok. Physically things are FINALLY starting to slow. The bleeding had been pretty heavy and the cramps really painful. I hate going to the loo for the constant reminder and I will feel so much better when things get back to normal. Emotionally I have gone through the motions. Whilst it has been so sad, part of me is selfishly glad it happened so early, after our last experience. I do get worried that I'll never have another baby and hate that the age gap is ever growing but these things are out of our control and the "control freak" in me hates that.
Anyway, just wanted to touch base. I'll probably be MIA for awhile now until things regulate so not sure when we will TTC. Good luck to all and hope to see some happy stories soon!
Powelly - good to hear from you girl....and don't be worried by your thoughts about sooner rather than later.... we all have to try and make our way through the grief, and in my experience, that thought process is one of the ways. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much with those questions..... there are no answers.... but as you know taking the step to start to tcc takes courage... I have every faith in you.... go gently my friend.
Gigi - I thing swinging is just a part of our everyday reality now..... it's just some days are more obvious than others in the extremes..... hope today the swing was only gentle with a mild whisper of a breeze.....an angels gentle caress on your cheek.
Gigi - Happy Birthday Hun!! I hope your day was overall a good one, even with the occasional spot of teariness.
Powelly – I’m glad things seem to be slowing down. Take what time you need to heal and nurture yourself.
AFM – Thanks to everyone for keeping me in your thoughts. Surgery went really well, but thank God for pain meds! I’m actually due for my next dose now, but am putting it off so I can write to you all with a somewhat clear head.
The surgeon was able to remove the entire fibroid (yay!) I was surprised since they initially thought they would only be able to get at the 30% of the fibroid that was actually in the uterus (if they could find it at all). They also found and removed a polyp in the uterus that didn’t show up on the u/s. I figure they’ll have the pathology back in a few weeks, but I’m not sweating it in the meantime.
Another bit of good news is that my GP said that he was willing to support me 100% with the RI’s treatment and monitoring protocol. That was a huge relief. I’ll also be seeing my new OB/GYN next Monday, so I hope he’ll be open to working with the RI too. I’m actually starting to feel a bit positive about our chances going forward now.
I’ll write more persies later when I’m not so drugged up (speaking of which – I really need to take those meds NOW!)
Yay hun!! So very glad it all went well and the surgeon was able to get the whole fibroid (hate the suckers!!!!! can you tell? ). I think you've got the right attitude sweetie, only forward now, without the obstacles!! When I had my sucker removed I felt sooooo relieved and free. I thought I had a clean slate , my mind was so much more clearer and I was heaps more positive and looking forward to the next go at TTC. Take your drugs hun, and I hope you're back to normal in no time. Big hugs and all the best for your app. on Monday with the new OB.
Registered User
I wish you all the happiness in the world, may the next year bring you joy, love, lots of luck and good health. It's time for some serious dreams to come true darling! I hope your next birthday is spent with an earthside bubbie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
happy birthday gigi!!!!
). I think you've got the right attitude sweetie, only forward now, without the obstacles!! When I had my sucker removed I felt sooooo relieved and free. I thought I had a clean slate
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