It is so good to hear from you! I don't have the courage to read the BAs so was hoping you would drop by and let us know how you are going. Congratulations on your beautiful little boy - how I long to be tired because of looking after a newborn - you are so very lucky What name did you give to him? I hope you are all healthy and getting stronger by the day. Happy first Easter to Beata's baby boy!
Hi Cheryl! Thank you so much for your warm congrats hun. We named our man Cameron Oliver Mario, my DF liked Cameron and I liked Oliver and we used Mario as that's my dad's name. I feel so blessed hun, and believe me, when it's your turn, you'll take all the tiredness, soreness, and everything else with a smile on your face! Maybe not the sleep depravation...lol.
Have a Happy Easter hun and hang in there! I still stalk you guys (hope you don't mind), maybe not as often now, but I do, just waiting anxiously and excitedly for the next BFP!!
Big hugs!
PS Happy Easter to everyone else! Now we all have a good excuse of stuffing our faces with chcolate! hehehe.
After taking some time out and re-evaluating things we are full steam ahead ttc #2. I am currently CD 12 with a scan yesterday showing that I have three follies maturing (2 x 12mm and 1 x 10mm) showing that I responded to the 150mg dose of clomid. YAY!!! Another scan on Tues to see where they are up to and to be triggered if ready to O.
Beata - So happy that you are settling in well with your little Cameron Congrats again!
Berry - Congrats on little Liam - hope all is well so far
Blessed - Well done on your exams - all of your hard work is paying off!!!
Chez - How are you? Hope all is on track for you.
Hi to everyone else - Im sorry there is so many now I will have to try to keep up!
Aries...welcome back hun. Lovely to hear you are back on the bus! It surely is a bus in here in now which is both sad and a blessing i guess. Too many people in a similar boat but then more support than ever. Good Luck for this cycle...I hope the Easter Bunny brings you more that just chocolate eggies.
Beata, Wow hun. I am so glad you came by here too. CONGRATULATIONS! A very strong name. So very happy for you. I hope we all follow in your footsteps. I hope it all went well and are feeling well too.
Love and best wishes
Just dropping in everyone to say Happy Easter and long live Chocolate! Feeling a bit gloomy and pensive today. My self induced pregnancy shock therapy is having a bit of an affect atm. I am feeling a bit sad for myself and altogether left out. I hate having left those blissful and innocent feelings behind. I get a bit carried away with celebrating everyone else and forget to leave time for me. It is funny, i know all of this sounds entirely contradicting... but i just want to be alone right now. I get angry that i feel i must be normal for everyone around me. I am convinced of it too i guess. I love my loved ones but these days i feel a bit resentful that i think of them all, do things for them, celebrate their journey's no matter how hard that might be for me and no one considers me. My mother will ring, but that is for her benefit alone...that is for sure. This does get really lonely too often. The main people in my life right now are pregnant, four of them so if I am to socialize it is with this...pregnancy. You might think, well I have asked for it, and yes i probably have just by being who i am. Taking photos and making things for them. I don't know how to exist without doing these things. I am not sure how to protect myself sometimes and let my spirit live too. I think i need to be thought of once in a while. It is not too much to ask.
Thanks for listening to me vent and pity myself for a moment. I will sort it. xoox
Happy Easter.
HM xoxo
Hi everyone!
Sorry I have been MIA. My computer was unable to connect to the internet an entire week! It was terrible!
Beata- Congrats! I am so glad you dropped by!
Aries- welcome back! It is great to hear from you again. Fingers crossed for those eggies!
Chez- Sounds like good news all around. I am glad things are going well with DH. I took to speaking with my DH about the same thing, but it looks like I am not having as much success. I dunno...Maybe I will talk to him again about it later. Sounds liek things are lining up for you. I wish you the best with the IVF!
dory- Sounds like you and your friend might be moving away from eachother, but I have had plenty of friendships that have come back after that. I hope things are going well for you! I have also seen Julie and Julia and thought it was really cute! I have been thinking about you being on bed rest, how are you passing the time? reading and movies?
blessed- CONGRATS on your exam! Hooray!
Gigi1- Your last post made me cry. it truly was beautiful. I understand so much how you feel. Just about all who are close to me are pregnant, and I am trying so hard to support them and be involved in their lives, but every time it feels like a little pin***** in my heart. Last weekend I sat in the shower and cried for about 10 minutes on just how unfair things can be. You are completely allowed to be a little selfish. I really admire how strong you are and am amazed at everything you are doing for your family and friends when I know sometimes there is that little voice saying when will it be my turn? Happy Easter to you and may the chocolate help you feel a little better!
Tenibear and crumpet- Robert (my DS) was due on April 27th. I can feel the date looming. Keep me posted on your plans. right now I just want to take the day off of work and probably stay home and have some good tears. I miss him so much!
AFM- So I took another hpt this morning and it was negative. I am 10 days post ovulation....ARGH! I believe the test. I feel like what are we doing wrong? But I am not as upset as last time around. I guess there is still a little hope till AF arrives, but I really don’t have any. And I was really thinking that this might be it. At least I get to have a beer with my colleagues this afternoon- we are celebrating the beautiful day here with drinks today…..so I wanted to know if I could partake a beer or not… It is crazy though because I thought I really was experiencing some symptoms, but I guess it was all on my head. I have been super emotional lately--I dunno if it is PMS or what but I am crying at a lot of things and feel quite silly a lot of the time. I wonder if I should go and see someone has this happened to anyone else? I am also really debating temping and doing OPK next cycle...our vacation will be in the middle and maybe I just need a little break. I don't know. Any thoughts!
Anyway love to you all!
I missed you when I was stuck being not connected (a horrible way to be)
Since Ianto's due date is on a Friday, I'm starting to think of maybe having a party - but how would I word the invitations?
I want to have a get-together of some sort, because I'd like to do a balloon release (we were supposed to have one at the funeral, but there was a mix-up with who was meant to organise them )
ETA: I had a dream last night about holding a little girl post-birth. Very similar to one I had when I was about 15 weeks with Ianto that ended up similar to real events (I was trying to breastfeed a little boy who wouldn't/couldn't latch)... Could this be a sign of things to come? Stay tuned
Tenibear- I just know you will word it beautifully. You have done such wonderful things for Ianto and this will be equally fitting. It sounds like a lovely idea and I am in awe of your strength to do what is right for you and your DH. I hope your dream is a premonition hun, i really do.
Cmegles- Enjoy your drink hun but i hope you will have a different result in a few days. Is it too early to test for you or do you tend to show up early? I hear you re crying in the shower. My husband seem to be the only person that will see me cry these days. Sometimes not even he will be here though is he is at work. I feel like life sometimes moves on too quickly for me. Everyone forgets...you know what i mean. Anyway, thanks for hearing me and sending me such caring words. I can't thank you enough.
AFM- 3 weeks to go until DD's 1 year anniversary of the day she was born. I have to get an announcement ready for the SANDS mag, we have to decide what we want to do, what cake i will make and what else we can do. A tattoo will happen but not until the budget can pay for it which might be a couple of years. We might get a sketch done of her though, for the wall. Black and White i think. I want something of hers in every room of the house.
Oh today, i really miss her.
Love to all xoxo
I just wanted to pop in and say and wish everyone a happy Easter, well as happy as it can be anyway as I know a lot of us are going through a difficult time at the moment with significant dates coming up or having just gone. I hope that everyone can decide on something that will resonate with them and allow them to express what they are feeling, whether it be by staying at home and shedding some tears, releasing balloons or having a party. Whatever it is the most important thing is that you have remembered your precious baby and the love that you have in your heart for them.
I wish everyone the courage to ask of others, friends and family, for their love and support for this special time and always, and to have the strength to continue if these people are unable to do that.
Happy Easter everyone...I have been finding that I am having a really hard time today. I took another pregnancy test this morning and it was negative (12 dpo) with the thought that having my family in town would be a good distraction. Apparently it wasn't--I started crying this morning to DH, but didn't really have any time to gather myself before my parents wanted to leave to go to a church this morning. I am not particularly religious but I took my parents today, and all of the talk about hope and life after darkness and death really resonated with me. I am coming up on 5 months since we lost our DS and I feel like this entire winter has been so dreary and dark. Yet it is really hard for me today to see the hope in my life for having a child in our future. I started crying in church trying to hold it back and my mom held me and cried with me (DH is an atheist). I could really use some inspiring words....The grass is beginning to grow and flowers are beginning to come up and I should feel like it is a new beginning and a new chance like everyone around me, but it is really really hard.
I know that grief is really selfish, but I don't want to cry all day. Recently (past week) I have found that I am really emotional and cry at slight things that never sent me off before, I was chalking it up to high hormones and hopefully a pregnancy, but that appears to not be the case. Has anyone had this happen to them? Did you seek additional help?
Sorry no personals today---thinking of all of you and wishing you the best.
Grief is not selfish - what harm is it doing to other people? It's only been five months since you lost your son, so of course things are still feeling raw.
I've been having the same kind of thing - and I realise my loss is much more recent than yours - crying at silly little things that I wouldn't have given a second thought to. Last night at a comedy show, I started crying over the lyrics to the song the comedian played before he came out!
There's no perfect, "normal" way to grieve. We all do it in our own way.
Hope everyone's Easter was either good or bearable..
Aries - Welcome back It's great you responded to clomid! Praying for some luck this month for you
Gigi - Thinking of you as your DD's anniversary approaches. It's a difficult time and I know it's often said, although it doesn't necessarily help, the lead up is often worse than the actual day. The sketch of her sounds like a nice idea.
Cmeggles - Bummer about the negative pg test. Sorry you are feeling so awful. It is only 5 months since you lost your DS.. Go easy on yourself ok?.. I know sometimes you might feel selfish and like you want to move out of the grief space, but 5 months is NOT a long time.. I know with me I think I was numb for the 1st 4 months!.. And this time of year can be hard too, with it being Easter. I don't have any inspiring words but go gentle on yourself. It's ok to cry. If you feel you may need additional help, then maybe look into it. Everyone grieves differently, it's just a matter of finding what feels right for you. sending you big squishy .
Tenibear - Thinking of you as Ianto's due date approaches. Hope you have a lovely balloon release. It really is a beautiful and peaceful thing to do.
Hi to anyone I have missed and thanks for all your congratulations re my exam results!
AFM - Where do I start? I got a positive OPK on CD20 but no temp rise.. I am on CD27 and don't know if I have O'd or not.. Once again, I am feeling frustrated!
Yesterday was not a good day.. I still struggle so hard watching DSS with his cousins having fun. DP's parents got a pinata (sp?) for the kids yesterday for Easter and it saddens me to watch the kids have such great fun knowing that there should be 2 more children being part of that fun.. It really makes me miss Seth and Taite and I find it hard to join in the fun, which makes me angry at myself. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be sad, I want to have fun without it being tainted by the feeling of emptiness.. But when I try and have fun I feel a little guilty too.. It's like the sadness is my connection to them and if I'm not sad, then I'm acting like they never existed.. I don't know, its confusing and horrible. I hate that my children are dead. Sorry for the negative post, I must have needed a bit of a vent!
Blessed- I am going through a bit of that at the moment...the resentment to have to handle this, go through this, miss someone in my life. I hear you loud and clear hun and feel every word. i hope you feel lighter for saying it out loud.
Cmegles- I think this is normal hun. Remember you have a new normal now. If it starts to consume you more and more and there are more bad days then good, then it can be helpful to speak to someone. Truth is, i usually ride it out. I know if I am stuck there for too long to get help. Sometimes it is of more comfort to feel the pain.
It is so true that the sadness can sometimes help us feel closer to them...just like some days it is the happy moments that makes us feel them close by. Ride the waves hun and be ever so gentle with yourself.
We had my SIL and brother over last night...the one that is due first. We also had another couple too. I am quite sad and empty about some of their visit. How am I surrounded by what seems to be such selfishness sometimes. It is had for them I understand. Their life right now is excitement one minute tot he next...it is also the lead up to the birth of our daughter and no one considers that. I just feel forgotten, unconsidered and lousy right now. The whole night was talking abotu babies and labour and everything in between. It was torture and no one considered it might be. I spent half the night in the kitchen finding things to keep me busy to get breaks from the conversation. I want to be involved, but i want to be considered.
God i want to scream right now. I feel so blooyd lonely. No one cares. HOw is it I have such self absorbed family. If it is any other way, i wish they would let it be known.
Aries - welcome back! So good to read your name again... well I would prefer if you were posting abou a BFP, but it's just good to have you around as you are a great inspiration. Hope you get your BFP very soon.
Gigi - I know you will sort it, but I hear you! I do like the idea of your sketch. Anniversaries are hard. The hard thing though is when you most need the help is the time you feel least able to ask for it. The other thing is people just don't expect to have to think of you being in need because they see you as so strong. It's not you, it's them, making an assumption because they see you as strong, they forget that you are still vulnerable and fragile and need love. So, when you get some of your usual mojo back, have a good talk to one or two of those nearest and dearest to you, and let them know. They are not the people who have enough insight to ask it appears to my strong brave friend, you have to guide them and teach them how. You shouldn't have to, but there's a lot of shouldn't have tos in this journey.
And here from me to you is the biggest hug ever. You are never alone, and if you feel that way, come to BB and reach out, someone is invariably here, or only a few hours away.
Cmeggles - My darling friend - a big hug coming your way.... did you get it? Hmm here's another.....I am sure you got that one. I am so proud of you. For crying, for going to church and crying, and for opening up to your mum to she could hold you for you to cry.
I know it feels like there is no hope and everything is out of whack and it must so be so hard with those Northen winters when it feels and IS dark and cold. It will pass.
There is hope, but you are the one that must find it for yourself and you will. My suggestion though is to maybe look at the small things and try and see the wonder in them. Grief is a demanding journey and sometimes to find our way through, we have to practise the things we want to achieve? So maybe the first few or more times, it won't work, but if you stick at it, in time, you will find that elusive hope and I hope some peace.
But having said that, I also went to a counsellor. When I first started going it would have been a month after Sophie and 7 months after Amelia and 4 months after Nicholas. So at about the same time frame that you are finding yourself really struggling, I was going to counselling once a week for in excess of 2 hours a session. I found the most amazing counsellor and she helped me. I actually can't remember too much of what she said, but it was more she was always there to listen, she probed my thinking, gently, she made me feel safe, validated and loved. I am indebted to her for the feelings of lightness I had after my sessions. I have just realised it was the abscence of the heaviest of the burdens of grief. I used to describe how I felt after counselling as peaceful. I went to 2 counsellors before I found the woman who so changed my life, Trish. The first I went to with a specific question and got an answer and didn't go back. It was god to talk but I didn't connect. The second helped in her own way, and I connected a little but not in the same way as I do with Trish, my counsellor. So how to find a counsellor? I would call your the hospital nearest you that has a NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit and ask to speak to the coordinator of their grief and loss program ( or something like that). Ask them if they have a counsellor or program and also ask them for a referral. Most hospitals with a NICU should have a dedicated grief and loss support program. Also call your local maternity hospital matron/unit manager to see if they have anyone they recommend. Next I would try a stillbirth/miscarriage/loss support group for their referrals. You can can also call your counselling association and ask for number of counsellors who specialise in grief and loss and particularly pregnancy loss. You really do want someone who specialises in the area of pregnancy loss, because it is really a specialised area of grief.
Don't be afraid of going to counselling, it can really work wonders.
Teni - I wanted to do so many things, but didn't. I wasn't ready. I hope you are, and your ideas sound wonderful. Wording for an invite? Here is something specific I just cobbled together....it's an original - just for you.
"Ianto, the light of my life, gone too soon from our arms, but never our hearts, my angel -join us in remembering our precious son and the many gifts he gave us. Let your love rise up to our baby boy, so we all may truly feel just how much he is cradled in our love and remind us we are not alone. A tribute to our darling son Ianto"
Blessed - I hear you sis. I don't have any answers, just love. I am lucky enough not to have too many littlies in my family, so I am not confronted with it in the same way. I do know what you mean about your sadness and grief being a link to your babies. But sweetie - it's ok to be happy sometimes too? To smile or enjoy something, doesn't mean you love Seth and Tait any less or miss them any less. I actually think it means you honour them more, because you've been able to take such a courageous step.
I say to myself that the only way my babies can live now, is through me, and I mean to make damn sure that they live large through me. Doesn't mean I don't have glum days or days like your when I just hate the fact my babies are dead, and I feel so disconnected from everyone, but what it gives me more often than not, is a vitality and strength I didn't know I had. But we all have to find our own way. For some reason, it works for me, but its not for everyone. I often refer to myself as stubbornly independent.
Hope you're doing better today.
AFM? Well I was able to finally get my pictures from "To write their names in the Sand". They are just beautiful. DH had a tear when he saw them. I say finally, not as a criticism but more because of circumstances. By the time I discovered the site, Carly was late into her pregnancy with Ocea and started to have complications and then ensued a period of time when Ocea was sick and the service wasn't running. Anyway, after checking almost daily, the requests page opened up and in less than 2 weeks, I have beautiful memorials of my babies names. I often visit her site to look at the photos and read the memorials by other parents. It is such a unique and beautiful gift she and her DH Sam give to bereaved parents. The sunset at the beach with the names in the sand, is just so peaceful, and I am a beachie through and through so its even more significant. I am going to go to Christians Beach one day to watch the sun set, just like Carly does, and remember all the angel babies, not just mine.
I was talking today to DH and we were talking about whether we, but especially me, was ready to have a memorial service for the babies and lay their ashes to rest. I think I am getting closer, but its hard. After being so scared of having their ashes in the house with me, I am not ready to let them go. I often wake up early as the sun rises and the soft light of the new dawn pours into our room, the furbabies are sleeping curled up around our feet, and DH is also asleep. It is so peaceful and I think to myself with a smile on my face, my family is all here together. But at the same time, I know I don't want my babies in a drawer forever and we have a nice spot for them that gives me such peace and it doesn't feel right for me to have their ashes in an urn on display. Mostly, because my furbabies are very naughty and would climb up to where ever they were and knock them down. I would then be heartbroken...... no seriously, it's what our cats do, they have no respect. They broke some of our irreplaceable waterford crystal champagne flutes by getting into places they shouldn't. I don't want to learn that lesson another way. In our house it not "like a bull in a china shop", its "like a cat in the crystal" - just as devastating. But when they have helped me so much in my journey I can't begrudge them their nature. The first time I remember smiling after Amelia, was at some crazy cat antics. Bless them, they helped me find my way back. I hope you can find your way back soon too. God speed my friends.
Evening ladies - Thanks so much for the warm welcomes. Gee you are all so nice!!
Cmeggles - As Tenibear posted, grief is not selfish at all hun. My heart goes out to you at this obviously difficult part of your journey. I have found grief to be such a rollercoaster - one day feeling ok to the next being an absolute wreck. Please just remember you are strong and brave but you are allowed to grieve as much as you like and also however you like. Not only do we lose a precious bub, we also lose the big dream of them being in our lives and homes and watching them grow. Big hugs to you xx
Hi Tenibear, I am very sorry for your loss, your pics are just beautiful. Such a lucky little boy to have parents that loved him so much.
Gigi, Blessed, Dory, Crumpet, Chez, Beata - big hugs to you all. And to anyone I have missed - its not intentional I promise!!
I have a scan tomorrow to see how my eggies are maturing - fingers crossed that they are ready to be triggered and that I 'O' soon - we are so ready to be pg again!
Dory, they have a lovely site and Idea. I have often thought what could i do that is similar. I might start a blog or something to remember gigi more. She is an inspirational woman...so damn positive all the time. I think that is what stopped me, her blog is so positive, no where near as dark as my thoughts get.
You will find the right place and time to place ashes hun. I still sleep with DDs every night and it will probably stay that way until the day we die. We will probably have all of our scattered together somewhere. Not the ocean though...that scares me a bit. Not a fan of big, deep water!
I decided tonight to watch Saving Babies online - although it always makes me tear up a bit, I felt I needed a good cry. Well, cry I did! I'm watching one of the "one year on" episodes right now and completely breaking down at the story about a woman who was meant to be having twin girls but had to make the decision to cut off blood supply to one so they could save the other. My heart broke enough at that, but seeing the footage of her in labour, and being handed the smaller (now-angel) twin after the healthy one had been born... I thought I'd never stop crying! I wasn't expecting it when I started watching, I was only after the happy endings. But I'm glad I watched.
There was a little aside to explain why she decided to continue with the filming, and I reckon in the same curcumstances I'd have done the same thing. She said she wanted to do it so anyone else going through the same thing or similar wouldn't feel so alone. I may not be going through the exact thing, but it did help, even if it was just that I had a massive cry. What a wonderful woman. I hope she's a BB-er...
What name did you give to him? I hope you are all healthy and getting stronger by the day. Happy first Easter to Beata's baby boy!
Congrats again!
)
It's great you responded to clomid! Praying for some luck this month for you
Sorry for the negative post, I must have needed a bit of a vent!
You are never alone, and if you feel that way, come to BB and reach out, someone is invariably here, or only a few hours away.
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