Sorry that I have seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet, but my life has literally fallen to pieces over the last few days and I couldn't even bring myself to post. Sounds very dramatic I know but most of it surrounded around work and trying to find a stupid house in Canberra. Anyway, I am not going to bore all of you and upset myself by re-living it but I am happy to say that I don't have to move to stupid Canberra and my work have agreed to let me transfer my job to Sydney where my DH will be posted. Our stress levels over the last few days have been off the chart and I really thought that I would just give up on everything, life, work,, everything. I can see a little more clearly now.
To make matters even worse (if that is possible) DH was going to help a mate move some furniture yesterday afternoon and was so stressed and distracted that he rear-ended a lady in a car with two children. He felt so aweful that he just broke down. The lady said to him 'had a bad day huh?' and DH said that he just spilled his guts about Harrison to this absoute stranger who he had just smashed into. She was so nice to him and by the end of it was so worried about him that when he called her later in the night with our insurance details, she spent the entire conversation making sure he was ok. A very sweet woman indeed. It is nice to know that those sort of people still exist. Anyway, all that matters to me is that everyone involved was ok... We have insurance for a reason.
After all that drama I decided to go and get my xrays that I have been thinking about getting. For those of you who don't know, one of the problems that Harrison had was severe scolliosis which is very rare in a baby. I just wanted to check that there wasn't something majorly wrong with my back because I have a bit of a curvature also. Anyway, it is all ok. Nothing there to suggest that anything I have contributed to Harrison becoming and angel baby. I know I am searching for answers but I need to be able to sleep at night so I just had to do it.
Add on top of all this stress AF and you can tell why I have been absent for a while. I feel back to myself a bit now but I am just taking it easy.
Flowerchild: You must be Mrs. Super Shopper to brave the shops at Christmas and still get everything done in a weekend! That is a massive achievement. I am glad that you and DH had a relaxing weekend. It is good to have some time out to recharge. I bet the kids were estatic to see you both when you got home. I hope you get good news about your progesterone levels tomorrow, I am thinking of you.
Mel: Oh hun, I think that the way you are feeling is totally normal. Grief is so crule because one day something brings you comfort and the next day it is so hard. I know how you feel about talking about Nicholas, you want everyone to know how proud you are of him and that is your right because you are his mum. But at the same time it is a very fine line when someone else talks about him. I know deep down that you Mumma was only doing what she thought was the right thing to do. I think that stress levels around Christmas are so high normally. Just take time out to be by yourself, cry your eyes out if you need to, just because it is Christmas, doesn't mean that you grief is going to take a holiday. I will call you soon to catch up for one of our marathon phone calls. About your Ob, you just do whatever makes you comfortable, you know your own body and you should listen to what you heart and your mind tells you. Good luck with finding a high risk Ob, hopefully some of the girls will reply to your post soon. :hugs:
Sarah: I think you are so right when you say that your baby Jemma was born a sleeping Angel. That is such a sweet way to remember her. I am with you girl, give that Reindeer a case of lead poisioning (lol)
Clare: I really hope that you have a wonderful time while your mumma is here. Shelby's birthday cake sounds awesome, one of my fondest memories as a child were the cakes Mum would make us from the Womens Weekly cook book. I am with you on the two bottles of wine. I did the same thing on Saturday night and ended with the worse case of the drinking guilts on Sunday
Kirsty: Thank you for your sweet post about blaming myself about Harrison. When I read your post about your little boys I thought to myself what an aweful unaviodable tradgedy. Why do we blames ourselves? Guilt is such a wasted emotion but also the most natural thing for a mother to do. I just really wanted to thank you for sharing your story with me. That was a very sweet thing to do.
Oh well my sweet things. I will be back to visiting every day cause like Mel I am having BB withdrawals.
I promise to help everyone single one of you get through Christmas and all the emotions that it brings up. I just want it to be over but I know that I have to get through it with you by my side.
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