TTC after Late Loss/ Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth after 1st trimester ~ Dec 2006

[Lynn]

Thanks guys for your messages. I am feeling better today. I have been out on a big walk this morning with my mum and my beautiful 2 dogs - Jazz and Phoenix. They are amazing, they listen to me blab all day long when I need someone to talk to - and they don't talk back!! Which is good in a way but sometimes I would like some advice from them. You are probably thinking who is this weirdo talking to dogs??????

Sorry Spring for not remembering the quote was from you. It brought me so much comfort - so thank you. :hugs: I forgot to mention in my last message - you are going to be living not far from me when you move to Sydney, about 10 minutes away.

I guess that is one of the reasons I don't want to go back to work - I had planned to take 12 months off. For me, going back to work before 12 months is another reminder that I have lost Cooper.

The bracelet that I made for me and Cooper brings so much comfort to me so I thought I would make them and donate them to the hospital where I had Cooper. It brings comfort to me so I am hoping that it brings comfort to other women.

Mel I'm glad that you are feeling better. I hope AF is treating you ok today.

[Mel1977]

Hey there,

Thanks Spring - glad to hear I finally got the title. My little fingers have been working hard to earn it I'm sorry you had such an awful night, I can imagine how hard it must have been packing up Harrison's things. Just remember though, he will still be with you when you move, in your heart but also in your home guiding you through life. He will still be watching over you, in fact I bet he was watching over you last night saying "hey mum, why are you crying? I am here helping you", you just couldn't hear him. I hope you are feeling a little better today and that you enjoy the movie with your sister, I know you don't eat popcorn so enjoy the choc tops Oh and credit given for the quote too, now that I think about it I think you may have said that to me in an email as well. You are so clever!

Lynn - After reading what you guys have said I have realised that maybe it was easier for me to go back to work cause I was only planning to take 6 weeks off work and then go back part time because we were worried about money and also I didn't want to let my boss down (boy has that attitude changed now, next time I will be taking a while off and who cares about my boss). I think it is a beautiful idea to make jewellery for other mums who lose their babies, I am sure those mums would be touched by the gesture and although you may never hear of it I am certain you could make a difference to their lives. And don't feel weird about talking to your dogs, I talk to Nicholas' photo sometimes and some would say that's weird but I figure whatever makes you feel good... although I would start worrying if they talk back though, lol.

I did feel better yesterday, but today is another crappy day. I have been upset most of the morning but trying to hide it, obviously I am not doing well cause I had one of the girls come up before and ask me if I am ok and I just burst into tears so she gave me a hug which made me feel better for a little while. The problem today is that I feel like the whole world is against me, I start to get my head around things and then something else comes up. I have been looking into having this stupid vaccine this morning and have found out that I cannot be around anyone susceptible to chicken pox for 6 weeks afterwards, which would include my 2 month old niece and that is impossible because my mothers birthday is on 22 Jan, my 30th is on 31 Jan and my nephew (niece's brother) is 3 on 4 Feb which means I can't have vaccine until after that time, and then I am not allowed to TTC for 3 MONTHS, which means that we are looking at about 5 months before we can start TTC, and that's to START. We all know you don't necessarily fall pregnant first try. I just really wish I didn't know about this chicken pox thing, you know that expression "ignorance is bliss" well it is so true. If I didn't know it wouldn't be bothering me and there is nothing I could do about it, but now that I know I can't risk not having a vaccine because just my luck I will get chicken pox and my baby will be harmed and I will never forgive myself. I feel like it just keeps getting further and further away and the only thing I live for at the moment is to get pregnant again. Then I called the psychologist that Mark referred me to and she can't see me until 25 Jan and to be completely honest I don't know if I will be ok until then

I am so sorry, you guys are probably getting sick of my whinging, but I know you all know why I am stressing so much. DH and my mum and everyone just keep saying it will happen just give it time and be patient. PATIENT - they should try being patient, it's not easy when there is no feeling inside but that of desperation to hold a baby in my arms. They don't understand how hard it is mentally, while time flies by it also goes by so slowly iykwim and I feel like I am losing my mind, each day gets harder lately. I started having more good days than bad, but I have to admit the bad days are slowly starting to outweigh the good again.

Anyway, I will quite my whinging now. Sorry again.

Mel

[dream]

Hi girls

Just popped in, going to see night at the museum with DS and all his friends!

Im glad to hear that some of us here are feeling a little better but Mel darling don't be so hard on yourself. Im sure when you do see the psychologist she will tell you that what you are going through is totally normal and good for you to do this, we must grieve but I know how you just need to talk to someone NOW. can he recommend anyone else that you can get into sooner? And know that I never think of you as "whinging" my god if only we did maybe we would feel a whole lot better. Hon Im thinking of you and hope things pick up for you today.

I'll drop back latter and have a chat. Till then keep your chin up girls our angel babies would want nothing more from there special mummies. xxxx

[Visitor9]

Hi Girls,
Not much happening here just scoffing all the wonderous foods down which I have probably put more weight on D day is Thursday god I hate diets but to get a healthy bub I will do it.
Nat: Cohens is a "lifestyle" lol diet..it is blood tests and all that with no carbs no alcohol no sugar really not much but has quick results obviously not a great way to loose weight but similarily baby fat from 3 pregnancys and years of IVF have stacked on and before I ttc again I need to be in good shape. I'm sure you will have fun with a crowd of younger boys.
Mel: Hmm vaccinate or not, it is your choice and who said you cant try why you are waiting for birthdays to come and go.mine is in that group too
I tried to reply to your last post but work got in the way..how rude. I had a locket that I wore every day after losing Audrey it was the only thing that kept me safe knowing I had it on. I had a IVF transfer and a job interview on the same day came home from Melb 1hr and abit had a shower took it off and forgot to put it back on so driving another hr back to Melb I realised..I never got the job but I got another baby, I never felt the need to put it back on so it is in a special box for Eliza and I will give it to her when she gets married hopefully and is thinking about having a family.Also ring the phycoligist and tell her you are struggling..I'm sure she can move some appointments.
Spring: Hugs darl...your little Harrison is so proud of his mum. Hope the witch stays away.
Lynne: Its nice to talk to our fury kids, they have an uncanny way of being better listeners than many.
Better go ...just been told the shower screen man is coming to fix our new shower I HATE CLEANING MY BATHROOM!!
Bec

[Lynn]

Oh Mel it brought tears to my eyes reading your message. I am thinking of you now and wish that I could give you a big hug. The thought of waiting 5 months to start - I just can't imagine how you are feeling but I know that you will have the strength to get through it.

You are one of the strongest people I have met and have made such a different to my life. I read your messages that you write to other women on BB and wonder where you get the strength from and just hope that one day I will have just as much strength you have. :hugs:

Just remember you are doing this because you have your next bubba's best wishes at heart and during that pregnancy you will know that you have done everything you can to protect them.

Can you get a referral to another psychologist so you can talk to someone sooner? I know that talking to my psychologist helps.

Please don't ever think that you are whinging..................you are just letting it all out and that is ok and a normal thing to do.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[kirsty]

Mel sweets you are never whinging, we all have things we need to get out & need to get them out sooner rather than later. Is there any chance you could maybe talk to a counsellor while you wait to see the pyschologist? I know talking to someone who won't judge you for what you say or how you feel makes a huge difference.

I have been seeing a counsellor (luckily for us provided free of charge through DH's work) since about 2weeks after we lost Thomas last year & it has probably been the best thing we have ever done (DH sees him as well). In fact we are still seeing him to this day & probably will for quite some time yet, especially when we are pregnant (if that ever happens!). In the meantime until you can see someone we are always here for you to get it all off your chest. Never feel sorry for the fact that you need to let it all out.

Big hugs to you all & I hope to be back chatting regularly soon but in the meantime please know I am always here if you need me & always keeping an eye on you wonderful women.

[Spring Angel]

Boy oh Boy I think I am keeping kleenex in business reading these posts, I didn't think I had any tears left but they just keep coming.

Mel hun, it is like our lives are on a common path, as you know DH and I are facing the same TTC delay so I know how insane it makes you feel. I really think that you should call the psychologist back, surely if they can't see you they can reccomend someone who can, also SANDS has a 24/7 grief counselling line. I am going to call you tonight to chat Just ignore my call if you don't feel like talking, I understand if you need some space. I always feel better after talking with you so hopefully I can provide that comfort to you. I don't want to put ideas in your head, but from what you have said about your big sis, she would totally understand if you had to stay away from Maya for a few months. Especially because TTC means so much to you. Perhaps give her a call, I think you will be surprised with how understanding she will be. It is worth a try babe. Imagine if you were in her shoes, I am sure she will do anything to try and help you through this. If not then lets not just make it a girls weekend, lets make it a girls festival!!!!

Lynn: I am so with you on the furry people thing. I have two dogs Frank and Vinnie and I love them like they are my children. Frank is a border collie x and Vinnie is a Staffy x, Frank was abandoned as a little puppy and Vinnie was given to the RSPCA by his owners a 9 months. To be honest, my boys have provided me such comfort since losing Harrison. One sloppy kiss from them and a goofy look on their faces makes me feel better. Also that is awesome that we are living so close. I am going to get involved in the local members meet up at Blacktown, I think the first one is in February. Perhaps we can chat about it closer to the time and see how we are both feeling about going. The more support the better.

Dream: Hope you enjoyed Night at the Museum. My sis and I just went to see Marie Antoinette. TISSUE ALERT, she loses a baby, you don't see anything, just the tiny coffin which is still too raw for me at the moment. It was a visually spectacular movie though, I wouldn't force DH to see it but it was a good chick flick, just take some tissues.

Bec: We are trying to get a renter into our house at the moment and we have a few people coming through this arvo. I got up at 5.00am to clean the house, including the bathroom so I totally agree that is the worst job (cleaning the oven would be up there though) I wanted to get it all done before the movie but I am sooooo tired now.

Me well, another amazing thing happened today. My big sis has a picture of her and Harrison on her bedside table. When she first got it developed just after he was born she put it on the inside cover of a book she had bought to read because it was too hard to see. The book (sorry can't rememeber the name) is about a young half Brittish, half African girl who goes back to Africa to find her family. Anyway, my Sister is a school teacher and is on holidays at the moment. It was a rainy day the other day so she decided to open the book finally and read it. As she opened it she saw the picture of my baby boy and began reading. The whole first few pages is introducing the girl's family, guess what their last name is.... it is Harrison. OMG, things just keep happening. Brooke said that she felt that that book had been sitting on her bedside table since his birth and Harrison was just waiting until the right time to say hello. When she told me I felt such a warmth deep inside, no longer do I wonder if he is with me... now I know.

Anway, better go and do a last minute clean before the open house.

Cuddles to each one of you.
Love Spring Angel

[Baby~amore`]

Mel- I wish we could al give you a big hug.It is a tough decision but did the DR tell you about the no contact - I didn't realise it was so long.

Also, have you tried ringing SANDS OR SIDS in the meantime.The have very experieced counsellors and people who have walked a mile in same situation as we have.

SIDS and Kids Victoria 03 9822 9611 or Free Call 1 800 240 400

Still Birth, Miscarriage & New Born Death Support (SANDS), Tel. (03) 9899 0218

Bonnie Babes Foundation, for grief counselling Tel. (03) 9792 2344

Ladies all these contacts and ones for your state can be found in the miscarriage and loss sticky - useful contacts.

I don't know if many of you know about Teddylove club but that teddy to me was a very precious gift. Others I know get quilts or other keepsakes too but anything that brings a comfort to another mother is priceless.

I think the jewelry is a beautiful idea - some other mums have made it a home business and charge a 'minimum' to make angel jewelry for mums.

I had a ID bracelet I got engraved for Charlotte and wore it veryday till the clasp broke.I haven't been able to get it fixed yet.I thought I had lost it one day and I was very upset. I rang everywhere I had been (service station/coles/post office) and the police to report it lost and my husband in case it was in the car ... I was so distraught ... then I found it in the money tin at work ...I was so forgetful in early days , I forgot I put it there .I couldn't put it on by myself so I had it in my pocket first and then slipped it in there when I got to work (own business)because Dh wasn't there to put it on my wrist.I still don't know how I did that.

I also found the support group Buds & Blooms I attend monthly to be the best thing ...I have made some very special friends IRL from this group.It is held at Nepean Hosp but not affliated with them except they provide a social worker facilitator and the room/tea & coffee. We have people come from other areas too.It isn't SIds & Kids one because one of the mums has yet to finish the counselling course so we can't call it .They have none in our area mostly innercity. I am planning on doing the course next year (2008).

Take care
Trish
"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks born still ~♥~"
Sam & Joel - God's blessings

[Mel1977]

Thank you so much to everyone for your support Believe it or not it helped me let it out a little just writing what I did earlier and knowing you girls all know what it is like (and don't think I need a straight jacket like I am sure everyone else does). I wrote that while I was at work because I felt like my head was going to explode I was getting so stressed and worked up. Afterwards I felt a little lighter, I just want everything to go away - life would be so much easier. I knew I could count on you all, you have never let me down

Spring, you know I would never not take your call

Thanks again everyone,

Mel

[Mel1977]

P.S. Trish, thanks heaps for the phone numbers. I will see if I feel any better tomorrow and if not I might give someone a call, I keep wondering if they will be able to help me. The girl at the psychologist said she would let me know if any cancellations popped up but I don't know if I should cling to that hope.

P.P.S. Bec, when in Jan is your bday? My younger sis is also on 31 Jan (forgot her before, pretty poor considering its same day as mine :eek

[bailey99]

Thanks everyone for your warm welcome and kind words, it's just what i needed right now. I am so sorry to read about all of your babies. It's just all so awful. I've been reading (and bawling) through some of your stories in the old posts and sometimes I read something and it feels just like I wrote it. It's so relieving to talk to others who really understand what you are going through. My family and friends have all been fantastic, but they don't really understand, and how could they? It is so hard to explain to those who haven't lost a baby that you are not only suffering the loss of your child but you are also grieving the loss of a whole future you had spent months planning and imagining. This is one of the things I am finding is hard.
Well, as I said in my first post, I will be getting my results on thursday and that will determine if I am able to join you all in TTC....fingers crossed. I am so scared that the doctor is going to tell me to wait longer as I had a cesarean. Did any of you guys have a c-section? And if so, what amount of time did your doc recommend you wait till TTC? Everything that I read online differs so much, from 6 weeks to 2 years!
Another question, I know everyone's situations are different, but how are you all coping with your decision to TTC again and how different your future pregnancy will be now you don't have that blissfull innocence anymore. I am so keen to be pregnant, but at the same time, I am petrified that I will have a streessful 9 months and not even enjoy it.
Sorry, so many questions, but I don't talk about this stuff to anyone else, so it's pretty much just spilling out of me now Just babbling!!
Well, thanks again guys. I can say that I already feel so much better after posting here and reading all your warm responses. You're all awesome.
Bailey

[Visitor9]

Mel mine is the 21st..but not sure whether another year older is good when you hit the thirtys also I found it really hard in Vic to get support when I lost the girls...to be honest I found myself in a situation where I thought I too would be better off joining them (no one knows this) thankfully I didnt but please find someone to help please.
Bailey: I suppose I am a little different to many of you where I lost my girls between 17 and 20 weeks. Too small to save not big enough to live, especially my second girl Charlotte she was born breathing but due to her size no help could be given to her. Also all my pregnancys were IVF so when as soon as I made the decision I was thrusted back on the TTC bandwagon straight away, my first two were natural delieveries and I was back ttc with in a few months..emotionally really tough tho DH was my strength. But after delievering Eliza I had a c-sect the Obst advised no preg for 12 months, just to allow the scar tissue to heal well enough.
Spring: How beautiful Harrison being in your sis book, I'm sure little signs happen every day and it makes life alittle more bearable. Hope the opening went well and the tradey turned up as I was up to my elbows in the loo..lol lucky that was the good one we never use
Ahhh yuck another work day tomorrow it is just another day closer to my gyn coming back from holidays
Bec

[Mel1977]

Hey everyone,

Better day today (so far) so thanks again

Spring - Thanks for the chat last night, as per usual I felt so much better afterwards. Hopefully you did too And I am hoping you are doing ok today with the packing and everything. I am going to see GP near home tonight about the c/pox vac (pushed my way in - not like me at all, lol) so I will post later to let you know what they say.

Bec - Your birthday is 1 day before my Mums on the 22nd - hey at least you get pressies though I am going to see how I go over the next couple of days and if I am not doing well or picking back up again I will call SANDS Vic. I sometimes think what you used to about joining Nicholas, but wouldn't do it iykwim. Sometimes I think it would just be easier and all the pain would go away, but then I also realise that I need to keep going for my family and for Nicholas. I imagine he would be so angry with me for giving up. Hoping your day at work is going ok, it sucks huh!

Baily - How are you feeling today? I am glad we have all been able to comfort you, even if it is just a little. You are so right about the two type of loss you experience, you have an emptiness inside but also an empty nursery and every dream, hope, want, and everything image you conjured up in your head of doing with your bub is just gone. You are right no one could possibly understand the agony that causes, and nor would you want them to I guess, especially those close to you. I'm sorry but I can't help you with info about caesars because I had a natural delivery, but the wait is not too long. Keep us informed how you get on Thursday.

Take care all,

Mel

[Spring Angel]

Well, all of our wordly possessions are packed. Boy do we have too much stuff. It has been an emotional few days. When the packers (all ladies) arrived today I explained to them about Harrison and how it was really important to us that everything in his nursery was packed very carefully. Of course I cried and they were all a very understanding, a little shocked but very understanding.

DH took the dogs for a run this morning before we started packing. He always wears an Ipod when he is running. I noticed he had got back but that he was staying out in the yard with the dogs, crying his eyes out. I ran out there and realised what song was playing on his Ipod, it was that song I'll be missing you. It goes

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
I'll be missing you.

DH doesn't cry often, he is the type of man that wants to be the strong one but I just held him while he sobbed. I guess even the strong need a shoulder to cry upon.

Mel: great talking to you babe. let me know how the C'pox injection goes. I hope for you that it is good news. Sure they can't just give you a tablet (lol)

Bec: Wow a 21st that is a huge milestone. Do you have anything special planned? I know that special events such as birthday's are marked with sadness for us but I hope you have a magical day full of treats and wonderful birthday wishes.

Bailey99: Hun I don't know if a c-section delays how long before you can conceive. Perhaps post a thread in the Conception (general chatter forum) I am sure someone in there will know. For me I was like you and I thought every day that passed was a day further away from my dream of having an earth baby. My Ob gave us the all clear at 4 weeks to start BD again and I got my first AF at 6 weeks and then my cycles have been farily regular since them. I am actually expecting AF on Sunday so hopefully she stays away and I get that BFP I have been dreaming of but if not, the TTC journey continues for us. Ring you doc babe about when you can start. You are right though, the innocence is gone and if it is possible, we will be even more stressed out while pregnant. Have you heard anything about your tests. No matter the outcome, I want you to know that it is not your fault. We have a tendancy to blame ourselves but that is not what our angels would want.

Anyway, I have to go and change Telstra and all our addresses (which I hate doing) so I'll pop in later. We haven't packed the Laptop so that I can catch up with all you awesome gals.

Hi to everyone else out there
Take care

Love Spring Angel

[Spring Angel]

Stupid me....

Bec, I just realised your birthday is the 21st not that you are turning 21.

Perhaps you can tell all your family that it is your 21 and get some awesome presents.

LOl
Spring

[dream]

Evening girls

I called back to say I hope you all get what your looking for in 2007, Im just so sorry that any of you even had to be here and I do truly truly hope that all your dreams come true and that one day soon you are holding that baby in your arms.

Im in kinda weird place today.....I should have been 17 weeks and then I realise that this is the time that some of you lost your angel babies or even later and I feel that maybe I shouldn't be here, I can't even begin to imagine your pain and even though I have tried to stay positive for some time now Im only kidding myself... lets face it after 13 miscarriage am I really going to get one more chance and lets face it I have my special gift from God and maybe if I spent more time thinking about him instead of my self I might feel a little better. I have spent seven years trying to have one more child and nothing, so maybe someone is telling me this is as good as it gets and to look at what I have.....you must all think Im so selfish. Im so sorry about my rembling on I think Im just typing as it comes to me...........so anyway im not sure where im at maybe its just fear that I may get pregnant again only to have it ripped out from right under me and if happens again, beside there is no where else to go, no stupid answers no more stupid tables or injection for me to take but the end of one very long road. Boy people think your strong to be able to go on ...I dont think im strong just can not do this anymore.

Please don't any of you ever give up till there is no more you can do.....and yes it may sound weird comming from someone whos sounds more like and insane person but please always follow your hearts and good luck. all my love dreamxxxx

[Mel1977]

Oh Nat, sadly you have every right to be here :frown: While you say you can't imagine our pain, to be perfectly honest I can't imagine going through that bitter disappointment and heartbreak 13 times and having 7 years of it. I can barely cope and it has been 4 months! So what if you already have a child? In what book does it say that you are not entitled to anymore? You are entitled to 100 children if that is what your heart desires, and I think I can safely say that not one person in here thinks you should just be grateful you have one. You love your son dearly and we can all tell that you are a good mum to him, and I bet somewhere deep down he is part of the reason you so desperately want another child. Along with the fact you want that bubba in your arms again, I am sure you think he would love a baby brother or sister and want to give that to him.

You are by no means a selfish person, you have provided me and everyone else here with so much support you wouldn't believe. If you feel you need to give up and you just can't do it anymore that is ok, but don't give up because you think you don't deserve it. I think you must do what is right for you and I would never try to push you into anything, but I do worry that if don't give it that one last shot you will always wonder what if you had just tried that one last time.

Everyone here has been ripped off by nature, whether there be a known reason or unknown, and everyone, including yourself, deserves their dreams to come true. Please do continue to drop in here, we have all gotten used to having you around

Take care and stop being so hard on yourself, you are not a bad person for wanting another child so don't treat yourself like one :hugs:

Love Mel

[Mel1977]

Finally something has worked in my favour - the receptionist at the psychologist I booked in for on 25 Jan just called to say that they have had a cancellation at 3.30 today. Obviously I grabbed the opportunity, my boss didn't seem too happy that I needed to leave early but to be perfectly honest I couldn't care less. DH is going to get off early and we are going to go together, that she can help get me out of this negative state I am in this week.