Thanks Spring - glad to hear I finally got the title. My little fingers have been working hard to earn it I'm sorry you had such an awful night, I can imagine how hard it must have been packing up Harrison's things. Just remember though, he will still be with you when you move, in your heart but also in your home guiding you through life. He will still be watching over you, in fact I bet he was watching over you last night saying "hey mum, why are you crying? I am here helping you", you just couldn't hear him. I hope you are feeling a little better today and that you enjoy the movie with your sister, I know you don't eat popcorn so enjoy the choc tops Oh and credit given for the quote too, now that I think about it I think you may have said that to me in an email as well. You are so clever!
Lynn - After reading what you guys have said I have realised that maybe it was easier for me to go back to work cause I was only planning to take 6 weeks off work and then go back part time because we were worried about money and also I didn't want to let my boss down (boy has that attitude changed now, next time I will be taking a while off and who cares about my boss). I think it is a beautiful idea to make jewellery for other mums who lose their babies, I am sure those mums would be touched by the gesture and although you may never hear of it I am certain you could make a difference to their lives. And don't feel weird about talking to your dogs, I talk to Nicholas' photo sometimes and some would say that's weird but I figure whatever makes you feel good... although I would start worrying if they talk back though, lol.
I did feel better yesterday, but today is another crappy day. I have been upset most of the morning but trying to hide it, obviously I am not doing well cause I had one of the girls come up before and ask me if I am ok and I just burst into tears so she gave me a hug which made me feel better for a little while. The problem today is that I feel like the whole world is against me, I start to get my head around things and then something else comes up. I have been looking into having this stupid vaccine this morning and have found out that I cannot be around anyone susceptible to chicken pox for 6 weeks afterwards, which would include my 2 month old niece and that is impossible because my mothers birthday is on 22 Jan, my 30th is on 31 Jan and my nephew (niece's brother) is 3 on 4 Feb which means I can't have vaccine until after that time, and then I am not allowed to TTC for 3 MONTHS, which means that we are looking at about 5 months before we can start TTC, and that's to START. We all know you don't necessarily fall pregnant first try. I just really wish I didn't know about this chicken pox thing, you know that expression "ignorance is bliss" well it is so true. If I didn't know it wouldn't be bothering me and there is nothing I could do about it, but now that I know I can't risk not having a vaccine because just my luck I will get chicken pox and my baby will be harmed and I will never forgive myself. I feel like it just keeps getting further and further away and the only thing I live for at the moment is to get pregnant again. Then I called the psychologist that Mark referred me to and she can't see me until 25 Jan and to be completely honest I don't know if I will be ok until then
I am so sorry, you guys are probably getting sick of my whinging, but I know you all know why I am stressing so much. DH and my mum and everyone just keep saying it will happen just give it time and be patient. PATIENT - they should try being patient, it's not easy when there is no feeling inside but that of desperation to hold a baby in my arms. They don't understand how hard it is mentally, while time flies by it also goes by so slowly iykwim and I feel like I am losing my mind, each day gets harder lately. I started having more good days than bad, but I have to admit the bad days are slowly starting to outweigh the good again.
Anyway, I will quite my whinging now. Sorry again.
Just popped in, going to see night at the museum with DS and all his friends!
Im glad to hear that some of us here are feeling a little better but Mel darling don't be so hard on yourself. Im sure when you do see the psychologist she will tell you that what you are going through is totally normal and good for you to do this, we must grieve but I know how you just need to talk to someone NOW. can he recommend anyone else that you can get into sooner? And know that I never think of you as "whinging" my god if only we did maybe we would feel a whole lot better. Hon Im thinking of you and hope things pick up for you today.
I'll drop back latter and have a chat. Till then keep your chin up girls our angel babies would want nothing more from there special mummies. xxxx
Oh Mel it brought tears to my eyes reading your message. I am thinking of you now and wish that I could give you a big hug. The thought of waiting 5 months to start - I just can't imagine how you are feeling but I know that you will have the strength to get through it.
You are one of the strongest people I have met and have made such a different to my life. I read your messages that you write to other women on BB and wonder where you get the strength from and just hope that one day I will have just as much strength you have. :hugs:
Just remember you are doing this because you have your next bubba's best wishes at heart and during that pregnancy you will know that you have done everything you can to protect them.
Can you get a referral to another psychologist so you can talk to someone sooner? I know that talking to my psychologist helps.
Please don't ever think that you are whinging..................you are just letting it all out and that is ok and a normal thing to do.
Boy oh Boy I think I am keeping kleenex in business reading these posts, I didn't think I had any tears left but they just keep coming.
Mel hun, it is like our lives are on a common path, as you know DH and I are facing the same TTC delay so I know how insane it makes you feel. I really think that you should call the psychologist back, surely if they can't see you they can reccomend someone who can, also SANDS has a 24/7 grief counselling line. I am going to call you tonight to chat Just ignore my call if you don't feel like talking, I understand if you need some space. I always feel better after talking with you so hopefully I can provide that comfort to you. I don't want to put ideas in your head, but from what you have said about your big sis, she would totally understand if you had to stay away from Maya for a few months. Especially because TTC means so much to you. Perhaps give her a call, I think you will be surprised with how understanding she will be. It is worth a try babe. Imagine if you were in her shoes, I am sure she will do anything to try and help you through this. If not then lets not just make it a girls weekend, lets make it a girls festival!!!!
Lynn: I am so with you on the furry people thing. I have two dogs Frank and Vinnie and I love them like they are my children. Frank is a border collie x and Vinnie is a Staffy x, Frank was abandoned as a little puppy and Vinnie was given to the RSPCA by his owners a 9 months. To be honest, my boys have provided me such comfort since losing Harrison. One sloppy kiss from them and a goofy look on their faces makes me feel better. Also that is awesome that we are living so close. I am going to get involved in the local members meet up at Blacktown, I think the first one is in February. Perhaps we can chat about it closer to the time and see how we are both feeling about going. The more support the better.
Dream: Hope you enjoyed Night at the Museum. My sis and I just went to see Marie Antoinette. TISSUE ALERT, she loses a baby, you don't see anything, just the tiny coffin which is still too raw for me at the moment. It was a visually spectacular movie though, I wouldn't force DH to see it but it was a good chick flick, just take some tissues.
Bec: We are trying to get a renter into our house at the moment and we have a few people coming through this arvo. I got up at 5.00am to clean the house, including the bathroom so I totally agree that is the worst job (cleaning the oven would be up there though) I wanted to get it all done before the movie but I am sooooo tired now.
Me well, another amazing thing happened today. My big sis has a picture of her and Harrison on her bedside table. When she first got it developed just after he was born she put it on the inside cover of a book she had bought to read because it was too hard to see. The book (sorry can't rememeber the name) is about a young half Brittish, half African girl who goes back to Africa to find her family. Anyway, my Sister is a school teacher and is on holidays at the moment. It was a rainy day the other day so she decided to open the book finally and read it. As she opened it she saw the picture of my baby boy and began reading. The whole first few pages is introducing the girl's family, guess what their last name is.... it is Harrison. OMG, things just keep happening. Brooke said that she felt that that book had been sitting on her bedside table since his birth and Harrison was just waiting until the right time to say hello. When she told me I felt such a warmth deep inside, no longer do I wonder if he is with me... now I know.
Anway, better go and do a last minute clean before the open house.
I'm sorry you had such an awful night, I can imagine how hard it must have been packing up Harrison's things. Just remember though, he will still be with you when you move, in your heart but also in your home guiding you through life. He will still be watching over you, in fact I bet he was watching over you last night saying "hey mum, why are you crying? I am here helping you", you just couldn't hear him. I hope you are feeling a little better today and that you enjoy the movie with your sister, I know you don't eat popcorn so enjoy the choc tops
Oh and credit given for the quote too, now that I think about it I think you may have said that to me in an email as well. You are so clever!
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