Kirsty,
I'm sorry your appointment was not the greatest:hugs:
Think you have the right idea Mel if I wasnt in my pjs I'd seriously consider going to the beach
Claire: Well done coming out atleast now all your fears can be shared it is alot to try and overcome.
I decided today that I need to lose weight to give me the best chance of carrying another baby..last preg was alot of bedrest so I'm doing Cohens..I hear it is tough and no drinkys so craming in as much as I can before my appointment next week
Hope everyone else is doing ok
Bec
Spring Im glad your home and all went well as it could I think you did great.Wow that text message, Harrison is really looking down on you actual more right there with you, it must be a nice feeling.
Kristy Thinking of you tonight, I hope that you can find some positive in your results. Hear from you soon.
Clair glad to hear all is going well and craig is in the know, bet his happy, try and be positive all those bad dreams are hard to sometimes forget but they don't always mean bad things, I think us girls tend to fear the worse like a type of wall to protect us if something bad happens if only we could be so positive always!I know what you mean re morning sickness I always want the works, sore boobs, sick 24/7, tiredness etc etc....we wouldn't trade this for anything.
Mel thinking of you also with Nicholas "birthday" keep your chin up that ice cream sounds wonderful not sure on the walk! Thanks for back up support im not going to let people like that get to me ...... well till next time but by then Ill be stronger again. And that pot at school well thank god we did it then cause were all like angels now, no drinking (exceptions) smoking, eating well, taking multis, no sex oh no LOTS OF SEX! I still have my fingers crossed for a + Monday is still 3 days away if not maybe there is a reason to get that injection.....who knows.
Bec what is Cohens? And weight ha I thought about losing some but since taking Pred I put on 8kilos so since trying again and back on them im hopeing for no more gain or im in big trouble!
Lynn I hope you feeling a little better.
To every other wonderful women out there if Ive missed, hope you are well. Schools holidays are great but many late nights so since im CD13 im heading off to bed and hope DH will be home soon I told him his on a promise so im sure he be driving in any time soon. If i don't get back before the weekend (were having a bbq tomorrow) hope its a good one and you spend it with those you love and who love you! Goodnight and sweet dreamsxxx
Dream: Hope you had a great BBQ.. I noticed in your last post that you are CD 13 so hopefully there will be news of a BFP before long.
Mel: Hey hun, I hope the Witch AF hasn't arrived and that your next post will be full of news. If the witch does arrive, I hope your Chicken Pox injection is ok... As you know I am such a sook around needles so I'll send you my brave vibes.
Kirsty: I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you hun. Hang in there.
Flowerchild: I'm not sure if you have access to a computer on hols, but I am sure you are having a ball with those gorgeous kids of yours.
Lynn: How are you going sweety, when you are ready I'd love for you to pop in and let me know how you are. Those early days are so tough, but just remember you are not alone.
Clare: Hope that morning sickness is continuing IYKWIM. I hope that little bean of yours is going great guns in there. Are you a little tiny little bit excited or still worried sick? Eitherway, sending you
Bec: How is the diet going? I have some serious baby weight to shift (about 10kgs) so DH has said that when we move to Sydney we can budget in Lite and Easy. I am really excited about it. I know it is a bit of a cheats way to diet but because DH will be in Canberra mon - frid it saves me cooking for one each night.
Baby amore: how are you going sweety, I agree with you, the choice of how soon to conceive after loss is such a private decision. It isn't disloyal to your angel if you TTC. They will always be your angel.
Well it has been quiet in here. Hope it is because everyone are having fun filled weekends. DH and I went to the movies today and saw Night at the Museum. We went to the local Movie theatre and the seats are so uncomfy. I am still not up to going to the big cinemas at the shopping centre in case I run into someone. Silly I know but I am still not ready to be out and see people so DH and I have sore butts. I ate too many Peanut M&Ms so I have a upset tummy but apart from a sore butt and upset tummy, we had a good time (lol)
Anyway lovely ladies, I hope I haven't missed anyone and if I have then I am sending love your way.
I did an OPK yesterday and got a almost +ive. I read in another thread that it in some circumstances means you are UTD. Grasping at straws I know, but only another 6 sleeps until I should know for certain. Not getting my hopes up for a BFP but it doesn't hurt to dream.
Oh Spring, I so hope you get a BFP this month. Having an almost +ve OPK at this stage is a great sign. How many DPO are you? I am assuming around 8? Are you a good girl and waiting until AF is due to test or can I twist your arm into testing a wee bit early?
MS was bad yesterday but doesn't seem to be much today, but then I have been busy at work. Still very guarded, definately not feeling positive about it but trying really hard.
Fingers crossed for a couple of days time for your
Spring Thats great news of opk sounds like things are on the right track for a big fat BFP this month. How was the movie? DS wants to see it. Is your butt any better and im sorry Lite & easy is no cheats way out, DH and I love doing it and you do loss weight, im just such a pain in the ... when ttc I only try to eat organic poor DH just has to put up with his weight till im done!When do you move to Sydney? BBQ was good but another late night.
Clair sending you positive vibes to help you along. Im glad your feeling sick, in a good way of course. take care
Well it is very quiet in here so I hope you are all well and had a great weekend.Ive had a + opk yesterday but I forgot to test on sat so just lucky we have been bd enough to cover. Im now starting on clexane inj today and prog. wish me luck injections everyday again...I just hope we get something at the end of it this time. Anyway talk later
Spring - Welcome Back!!!! Oh, so hoping for for you. What was Night at the Museum like? I love Ben Stiller, we were gonna go see that the other day but chose the other one instead.
Clare - Good to see your still sick, lol... keep up the good work
Deb - Hope your holiday is going well.
Nat - Hope your BBQ was good, definitely had the weather for it.
To everyone else, hope your all good.
As for me, the Witch has arrived Why does my body have to be so much like clockwork - for the past 3 months I have waited and hoped that it wouldn't come and every month spot on the day it is due I get a nasty little surprise (or not usually a surprise I guess) and I just wish that it would give me one more day of hope. I said in an earlier post that I didn't mind this month cause of the whole chicken pox vaccination and hysterogram, but I have changed my mind... I do mind - ALOT - its been 4 bloody months and I don't know what we are doing wrong but it just won't work. Now I have to go and have this stupid vaccination which means I have to wait for 2 more cycles before we can start TTC again and it seems to long away. I did think it would be ok because I knew there was a "reason" why we couldn't try and I thought it would take the pressure off a little. Well I have decided I like having that pressure, it gives me something to hope for and plan for and basically keeps me going through life. Now that I have no hope or planning for the next couple of months how am I going to keep myself distracted? Why am I being put through all this s***, surely I am not that bad a person that I don't deserve a second chance? I am so tempted to just bugger the hysterogram and the chicken pox vax! They have already found the blood disorder which they say is the cause of Nicholas dying, and I didn't know I wasn't immune to chicken pox previously and I got through without any related problems. DH says no we have to do everything right, but I did EVERYTHING right last time and he still died so maybe I should try a different angle and do the opposite. I know it is probably PMS talking but I feel really ripped off and hurt and sad and angry today.
And to make matters worse, I wear a necklace with a pendant that has photo-engraving with Nicholas' face which I have worn religiously (except for sleeping cause it strangles me) since I got it and I went off to work this morning and forgot to put it on :frown: I was so upset, I felt like I had left the house and forgotten my baby. What kind of mother does that!!! How could I forget about him? He should be in thoughts every second of the day but yet I just got in the car and drove off without even a thought. The necklace is what makes me feel he is with me, now I am sitting here at work feeling alone and upset so I thought I would hop on here and vent my frustrations.
Sorry to let it all out of you poor gals but I really needed to let it out.
You know what, sometimes life sucks and don't feel that you have to pretend that it doesn't I am so sorry to hear that the witch showed up.... It is a cruel twist of fate that your body is like clockwork except when you are trying for that BFP. I am not going to tell you what you should do about the Chickenpox injection or hysterogram but I am worried that if you don't do the tests then you are going to be even more nervous when you do fall pregnant. I know that DH and I are facing 6 months of not TTC and the thought of it drives me insane, but I am trying to remember that not everything in my life is in my control and I am going to have to let what will be happen. Doesn't change the fact that I cry myself to sleep over it but I have to believe that It will happen babe, I just wish it had happened for you guys already and patience is a BIACH!!! Hey, maybe we should plan a girls weekend while we are both on a break from TTC and party our worries away
About your necklace babe, I am really sentimental and superstitious about those sort of things also, but you know that it doesn't make you a bad mummy because you forgot to wear it. You know what, Nicholas is deep inside your heart and you will never be without him. It probably is the PMS making you feel worse but you are entitled to be precious today. Just know that you are a wonderful mummy to Nicholas and that the necklace is just ONE of the ways you show him how much you love him, just having the courage and strenght to get through the tough days like today, and not giving up is the way you show him how much you love him.
Anyway hun, if it is too tough at work today just go home and turn on your favorite songs and have a good old cry. I'm thinking of you babe, hang in there, I am here for you always.
Well, during my epic post you guys posted a couple more which I obvioulsy didn't see 'til afterwards. Just wanted to let you know that so you wouldn't think I am a psycho cause I asked about the movie (Spring) and the BBQ (Nat).
Although, speaking of psychos - I just read my last post, WOW sorry bout that
P.S. Spring - I did Lite n' Easy a few years ago and I didn't mind it, and I am so fussy it's unbelievable. I only ever had their fish and vegetarian meals but they were really nice and the amount of food they give you (if it's the same now) is a reasonable amount so you won't be hungry... and seeing as you will be on your own during the week it's definitely the easier option in terms of cooking. But don't think for one second that its cheating, you still need to use your willpower and determination cause there are lots of temptations. Any way you find to lose weight is hard, cause no matter what the circumstances you still have to go without the "good" stuff and keep your mental point of view on track. Good luck
God, don't tempt me with a girls weekend - it's too inviting, lol!!! I know you and DH are coming up to a tough time, and it does suck yeah? I try not to but I do find myself sitting here today thinking why me. And I know we have all said before why anyone so I try really hard not to think that cause it's true why anyone. But I feel like I deserve a second chance to make it right, as we all do, and it just won't happen - what more do we have to do. I know you are right about the vax and tests and stuff and I know I have to do it, but another couple of months seems like a lifetime away. DH says but it's ok cause we can try again after those couple of months but with every day that goes by I feel like "childless mother", I know that sounds pathetic but I know you know that feeling.
Well, I just now focus on you hopefully getting a this month and then I can live vicariously through you, lol
I think we should get a 'why me' tatoo on our foreheads because that is how I feel too (lol) We'd be stunners don't you reckon. I was serious about that girls weekend. Wait and see how the next week or so goes and we may have to make some serious plans. Not that I fit any of my dressy clothes, but hey, you don't have to convince me to indulge in a bit of retail therapy. Perhaps we could time it to conicide with someones B'day not naming names
You know what, I know exactly how you feel about being a childless mother and it is not pathetic to feel that way, it is totally natural. You know that even though Nicholas isn't here in a physical sense, you have your own special guardian angel with you every moment of every day. Being mummy to an angel baby is such a tough job.
Hope AF is kind to you, if not let me know and I'll kick her arse(lol)
Gee, who's birthday would that be lol! Don't feel bad, my big butt doesn't fit any of my clothes either so I would have to shop too. If your up for it, I certainly am - ****tails, yum (she says drooling like Homer). We will get those tats beforehand and everyone will be so jealous, they will laugh at us but we will know the truth - its just cause they want one, lol
Your right, it is a tough job, one that I wish I could resign from - but I guess I still wouldn't give him back for anything in the world
My weekend was not good - I just kept thinking about what Cooper and I should be doing.It is just so hard not having him around. To make things worse, my friend who lives up the road had a baby and I found out yesterday. I am not angry at her, actually I am so happy that she was able to have a healthy, crying, pooing baby because this is what I want. I am just angry that Cooper was taken from me when there was nothing wrong with him...........he was perfect. My sister also said some insensitive things to me and I am just not sure how to handle it. Can I be selfish and not worry about it? I mean, it is not as if I don't have enough on my mind at the moment.
Spring Angel - I know what you mean about going out. I find it so hard to see other pregnant women and babies. I have only been out a few times, once to the supermarket and newsagent and once to the movies. I went with DH and the in-laws to the movies to see Night at the Museum (very funny, I like Ben Stiller) but we went at 9am so it wouldn't be busy and we went to a different cinema, one further away from our house so I didn't bump into anyone I know. It is just so hard. I liked the movie - did you? Hope your butt and tummy are ok now I hope you get your - thinking of you.
Mel - I am so sorry the witch has arrived. You do deserve a second chance, we all do and your chance will come. You have done nothing to deserve this and as I write this to you, I think it is helping me too as I keep blaming myself and keep thinking what did I do. I can't tell you to have the chicken pox injection but it would be one less thing to worry and stress about when you are pregnant. When I was pregnant with Cooper a blood test revealed that my rubella was quite low. I was still immunised but I needed a booster - I had this after I gave birth to Cooper. My ob told me to stay away from sick kids and it was always in the back of my mind. My best friends kids had the chicken pox and I couldn't see her or the kids for weeks. I'm sure you did do everything right with Nicholas, just like I did with Cooper. I ate the right things, didn't drink, exercised and it still didn't turn out right. I keep thinking what could I have done differently but as my sister says I wrapped myself in cotton wool. I wanted to make sure that I did everything right and protected my baby because he took so long to be made.................unfortunately they outcome wasn't what I had expected or hoped for. You could never leave or forget Nicholas as you always have him in your heart. I too feel like a childless mother. It is hard because we know that we gave birth, we just don't have our babies with us. Spring Angel is right, being a mummy to an angel baby is the hardest job. I received this quote from someone on BB (sorry I can't remember who) which I wanted to share with you.
"No matter what anyone tells you about being a new mum, the tiredness, the dirty nappies, the crying - being a mummy to an angel baby is the toughest job in the world and we would never sleep another moment in our lifetime, to have our babies with us"
I keep wanting to do things to remember Cooper. I am getting a ring made with diamonds and yellow topaz (Cooper's birthstone). It will be my eternity ring, eternity with DH and eternity with Cooper. I also make jewellery and I made me, DH and Cooper a bracelet. They are all the same, blue and clear crystal beads. Our families wrote letters to Cooper and gave him toys and these were placed in his coffin. His bracelet was put on his wrist. I wear my bracelet every day and know that Cooper is wearing his always and forever. I am also planning a garden for our backyard where I can go and write my journal.
My dad bought a star in the Southern Cross constellation and registered it Cooper Nathan. Every time we look at the stars, we know that Cooper is watching over us and is shining brightly. My DH got a tattoo on his heart with Cooper Nathan 28.11.06 and the southern cross.
DH and I have started our bumpy road to fall pregnant. I am hoping for a smooth ride and am trying to stay positive but it is so hard. I have started Clomid and did my first OPK today - negative. I know that I said that I feel guilty for trying so soon but on another thread someone said to me that I am not replacing Cooper, just the whole in my heart. I say this to myself everytime I am feeling down. Because it took 2 years (6 months on Clomid) to fall pg with Cooper, we want to try as soon as possible. I just don't know if I can wait another 2 years again!!!
Mel - I noticed that you have gone back to work. When did you go back? How difficult was it? My work doesn't go back until 15 January but DH and I have spoken and we don't think that I will go back. We just want to concentrate on falling pg and then when I am pg just resting and looking after myself. I know that it will be a long 9 months by not working but hey it is going to be a long 9 months anyway. I just need to keep myself busy which I can do by getting back into making jewellery.
Im sitting reading and tears are running down my face. I know that there are no words to make anyone feel better but a special friend told me something once,
"God only send special angel gifts to those of us who are able to grow from it and strong enough to know what to do from then on in, the rest are just not as lucky or special like us" It sort of makes sence and I always try to remember this.
Lynn Thats a grt idea with all the lovley things you have done for cooper, he would be so proud of his mummy and daddy. And lynn why not indulge yourself if making jewellery helps then you go girl. work will always be there this time is so precious.
Mel I hope you are feeling a little better this afternoon, sorry about the witch! yes I think kicking ass is a good way of feeling better. Goodluck with the decision making.... I have to agree it would be one less thing to worry about next time, we try to blame ourselves so often if its out of the way maybe......?sorry I no im no help. By the way you could never be a bad mum...just a very special one.
I hope so very very much that you girls all get that special baby this year.....its my special pray for you all every night. Thinking of you all tonight to everyone.xxx
Hey, it's me - the psycho - back again, and feeling a little better tonight.
Left work around 2pm cause I just couldn't take it, so came home and DH (who is still on holidays, lucky duck) greeted me at the front door with my necklace - he is such a sweetie sometimes Then I had a 2hr nap on the couch, so I woke up feeling alot better.
Bailey99 - You are more than welcome to join in. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your little girl :hugs: What is her name? I would like to call her by name if that is ok with you. If you need support you have certainly come to the right thread, these ladies are amazing and I hope you find as much solice here as I have. It is such a difficult journey to go through, and we have only just begun. I lost my son Nicholas in September and have been on that journey pretty much since the beginning (well as soon as I physically could anyway) but have been told we now have to wait about 6-8 weeks for a couple of reasons so that kind of sucks. I wish you all the best with your appointment, be sure to pop in and let us know how you get on.
Spring - Thanks for everything today, you know you are a legend
Nat - I know everyone is right, I do need to have the vax and the hysterogram because I just can't give myself any reason to blame myself if this happened to my next baby, as everyone has said we blame ourselves anyway so lets not give us reasons to huh. The quote from your friend is nice, I have to admit I know Nicholas has already made me a stronger person (not that it seems that way today but honestly he has) and also made me a kinder, more caring person. I don't think I was awful beforehand or anything but I definitely think I am a much more compassionate person, and on top of that my whole idea of what is important in life has completely changed. I have a greater love and respect for my family, my husband (we only got married on 25/11 because Nicholas showed us just how much we love each other and that it is what we want) but also I think for any children that I should be lucky enough to have in the future, if that makes sense. And I am with you, I hope every single woman in here gets their hearts desire ('s all round) in 2007.
Lynn - I am so sorry you had an awful weekend. About your sister, I am not sure what she said or how close you are, but she is your sister and I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you. If you find in a couple of days it still bothers you maybe you can calmly discuss it with her and let her know you were hurt, I am sure she probably doesn't realise and would soon make it right. Also, about your friend who had the baby, it is a really hard thing to handle. While you want to be happy for your friend and would never wish your situation on them, it is impossible not to sit there and think why me and not them, or why Cooper and not their baby. This is so natural, it doesn't make you a bad person or anything, just a woman who has had a huge injustice done to her by nature and is struggling to not only get through daily life but to understand why.
In terms of me going back to work, I went back only about 4-5 weeks after Nicholas died. The only reason I went back is because DH had to go back to his work and I was scared to stay home on my own, I am very much a people person and I thought going back would give me something to keep my mind occupied. Another reason I guess I went back is because I had Nicholas at the hospital where I work and I was starting to feel anxiety about what it would be like to go back, wondering if I would have flashbacks and all, so I decided I had to face my demons and it didn't end up being as hard as I thought it would be to go through the door that first day. I have to admit that my boss is really good and he put me back to work doing whatever I felt comfortable doing. I found it difficult at first, most days I would walk in the door sad and by mid morning have had a tear or two. My co-workers are for the most part quite supportive, most of them went to Nicholas' funeral. For a while there were days when I would just wake up in the morning and decide I couldn't go in and allowed myself to do that. It did start to get easier, but then a month or so afterwards I started to feel like everybody expected me to be the same old Mel again and that started to mess with my head, to the point where I got so upset I posted asking for advice because I felt like everyone had forgotten what had happened and expected me to be the happy-go-lucky person I used to be. That was a while ago now, I think I still have my days where it is easy, then others where it is hard (obviously today was one of those) and I think it will stay that way for a very long time. The one thing I need to learn is to allow myself to have those bad days and not put so much pressure on myself to be ok all the time. I have dropped down to working 4 days a week so that I can have a mental down day per week and it was meant to be temporary but in all honesty I think I will stay that way. Since going to 4 days I am much better at work (today was an exception) and can generally get through ok.
I really think going back to work is an individual thing, if you don't think it is the best thing to do then definitely listen to your heart. I do agree that keeping yourself busy is important, if jewellery making is something that can keep you busy while you also enjoy it then definitely stick to that. What you need to worry about is your emotional and physical well being. Don't worry about money (easy to say I know) or letting people down or anything like that, you worry about you. You are still in the early days, Cooper has only been gone a very short while and then you have had Christmas to deal with on top of that so it's such a hard time, you are doing well just to get out of bed each morning and give life a go. Give yourself all the time you need, you may never be ready to go back to work and if that is the case don't.
Well there you go, you can tell I am feeling a little better - babbling again! I am sure you didn't need me to say all of that but I have typed it now so I am gonna send it, lol.
Take care everyone and sweet dreams,
Love Mel
P.S. Oh and Lynn, I remember reading that comment in your thread as well (also unsure who said it though) and I remember at the time thinking how true it was, you would trade absolutely everything in life to have those sleepless nights, dirty nappies and be covered in baby vomit - it's so spot on!
Last edited by Mel1977; January 8th, 2007 at 09:32 PM.
: to add ps
Well I am going to have to take credit for that quote Lynn and Mel mentioned. Well I can't take all the credit, it was told to me by a woman who lost her son at full term. It is so true though, I hope sharing it had bought some comfort.
Balily 99: Hey hun, I want to apologise to you, I read your thread last night but I just didn't have the strenght to respond. I had a really bad night because we are moving and I spent the day packing up Harrisons belonings so when I read about your darling little daughter the tears just woundn't stop. I am so sorry that you have had to join us, but rest assured, you will get support from us that doesn't have an expiry date, when it seems like everyone else is getting on with life, we will be here to support you, listen to you and lift you up. Like Mel said, if you are happy to share I would like to know your daughters name so I can call her by it. to you babe.
Lynn: Hey babe, I'm sorry that you have had a bad few days, are you feeling a little better now? I hope so. The things that you have done to remember Cooper warm my heart. When I read about his star I got goosebumps all over. That is such a wonderful gift from you Dad. About going back to work, I am with Mel (boy she gives some great advice) I went back last week which was 12 weeks after having Harrison and it still felt too early. I have a few weeks off while we get settled in Sydney and then go back in late Jan. I am lucky to have a really supportive workplace and they have said that if there are days were I just can't face work, just to call. I think going back to work raises so many other emotions, I had planned to spend at least the first year off with Harrison and then go back part-time. I had to buy stockings the other day for work and it made me cry. I remember thinking that I wouldn't have to wear stockings for ages and it was just something that symbolised losing Harrison. It may sound silly but these days it doesn't take much to set me off. Just take your time babe, if you can stay home then go for it. The jewellery making sounds like a great idea to use up some creative energy. Perhaps if you do stay home from work you could make gifts for other mothers who have lost babies at your local hospital as a gift from one childless mother to another. My Mum has started knitting gowns for Stillborn babies at her local hospital. A group of women do it so that the babies can be dressed in beautiful gowns. I think helping other women is helping my Mum mourn Harrison.
Dream: how are you going babe? Hope that you are having a nice day.
Mel: Good decision babe about the test, you know it is the right decision and I am glad you made up your own mind. I'm glad that you left work early yesterday and I hope you are feeling better today. By the way, I have sent out a hit squad for AF so she should be getting an arse whopping as we speak (lol)
Anyway, I am going to the movies to see Marie Antoinette (sp?) with my big sis. I'll drop in later to say hi.
Luv Spring Angel
PS Mel, you are now officially Mrs. Longest Thread (lol)
Thanks guys for your messages. I am feeling better today. I have been out on a big walk this morning with my mum and my beautiful 2 dogs - Jazz and Phoenix. They are amazing, they listen to me blab all day long when I need someone to talk to - and they don't talk back!! Which is good in a way but sometimes I would like some advice from them. You are probably thinking who is this weirdo talking to dogs??????
Sorry Spring for not remembering the quote was from you. It brought me so much comfort - so thank you. :hugs: I forgot to mention in my last message - you are going to be living not far from me when you move to Sydney, about 10 minutes away.
I guess that is one of the reasons I don't want to go back to work - I had planned to take 12 months off. For me, going back to work before 12 months is another reminder that I have lost Cooper.
The bracelet that I made for me and Cooper brings so much comfort to me so I thought I would make them and donate them to the hospital where I had Cooper. It brings comfort to me so I am hoping that it brings comfort to other women.
Mel I'm glad that you are feeling better. I hope AF is treating you ok today.
Thanks Spring - glad to hear I finally got the title. My little fingers have been working hard to earn it I'm sorry you had such an awful night, I can imagine how hard it must have been packing up Harrison's things. Just remember though, he will still be with you when you move, in your heart but also in your home guiding you through life. He will still be watching over you, in fact I bet he was watching over you last night saying "hey mum, why are you crying? I am here helping you", you just couldn't hear him. I hope you are feeling a little better today and that you enjoy the movie with your sister, I know you don't eat popcorn so enjoy the choc tops Oh and credit given for the quote too, now that I think about it I think you may have said that to me in an email as well. You are so clever!
Lynn - After reading what you guys have said I have realised that maybe it was easier for me to go back to work cause I was only planning to take 6 weeks off work and then go back part time because we were worried about money and also I didn't want to let my boss down (boy has that attitude changed now, next time I will be taking a while off and who cares about my boss). I think it is a beautiful idea to make jewellery for other mums who lose their babies, I am sure those mums would be touched by the gesture and although you may never hear of it I am certain you could make a difference to their lives. And don't feel weird about talking to your dogs, I talk to Nicholas' photo sometimes and some would say that's weird but I figure whatever makes you feel good... although I would start worrying if they talk back though, lol.
I did feel better yesterday, but today is another crappy day. I have been upset most of the morning but trying to hide it, obviously I am not doing well cause I had one of the girls come up before and ask me if I am ok and I just burst into tears so she gave me a hug which made me feel better for a little while. The problem today is that I feel like the whole world is against me, I start to get my head around things and then something else comes up. I have been looking into having this stupid vaccine this morning and have found out that I cannot be around anyone susceptible to chicken pox for 6 weeks afterwards, which would include my 2 month old niece and that is impossible because my mothers birthday is on 22 Jan, my 30th is on 31 Jan and my nephew (niece's brother) is 3 on 4 Feb which means I can't have vaccine until after that time, and then I am not allowed to TTC for 3 MONTHS, which means that we are looking at about 5 months before we can start TTC, and that's to START. We all know you don't necessarily fall pregnant first try. I just really wish I didn't know about this chicken pox thing, you know that expression "ignorance is bliss" well it is so true. If I didn't know it wouldn't be bothering me and there is nothing I could do about it, but now that I know I can't risk not having a vaccine because just my luck I will get chicken pox and my baby will be harmed and I will never forgive myself. I feel like it just keeps getting further and further away and the only thing I live for at the moment is to get pregnant again. Then I called the psychologist that Mark referred me to and she can't see me until 25 Jan and to be completely honest I don't know if I will be ok until then
I am so sorry, you guys are probably getting sick of my whinging, but I know you all know why I am stressing so much. DH and my mum and everyone just keep saying it will happen just give it time and be patient. PATIENT - they should try being patient, it's not easy when there is no feeling inside but that of desperation to hold a baby in my arms. They don't understand how hard it is mentally, while time flies by it also goes by so slowly iykwim and I feel like I am losing my mind, each day gets harder lately. I started having more good days than bad, but I have to admit the bad days are slowly starting to outweigh the good again.
Anyway, I will quite my whinging now. Sorry again.
Just popped in, going to see night at the museum with DS and all his friends!
Im glad to hear that some of us here are feeling a little better but Mel darling don't be so hard on yourself. Im sure when you do see the psychologist she will tell you that what you are going through is totally normal and good for you to do this, we must grieve but I know how you just need to talk to someone NOW. can he recommend anyone else that you can get into sooner? And know that I never think of you as "whinging" my god if only we did maybe we would feel a whole lot better. Hon Im thinking of you and hope things pick up for you today.
I'll drop back latter and have a chat. Till then keep your chin up girls our angel babies would want nothing more from there special mummies. xxxx
Goodnight and sweet dreamsxxx
news. If the witch does arrive, I hope your Chicken Pox injection is ok... As you know I am such a sook around needles so I'll send you my brave vibes. 
for your 
for a big fat BFP this month. How was the movie? DS wants to see it. Is your butt any better and im sorry Lite & easy is no cheats way out, DH and I love doing it and you do loss weight, im just such a pain in the ... when ttc I only try to eat organic poor DH just has to put up with his weight till im done!When do you move to Sydney? BBQ was good but another late night.
Why does my body have to be so much like clockwork - for the past 3 months I have waited and hoped that it wouldn't come and every month spot on the day it is due I get a nasty little surprise (or not usually a surprise I guess) and I just wish that it would give me one more day of hope. I said in an earlier post that I didn't mind this month cause of the whole chicken pox vaccination and hysterogram, but I have changed my mind... I do mind - ALOT - its been 4 bloody months and I don't know what we are doing wrong but it just won't work. Now I have to go and have this stupid vaccination which means I have to wait for 2 more cycles before we can start TTC again and it seems to long away. I did think it would be ok because I knew there was a "reason" why we couldn't try and I thought it would take the pressure off a little. Well I have decided I like having that pressure, it gives me something to hope for and plan for and basically keeps me going through life. Now that I have no hope or planning for the next couple of months how am I going to keep myself distracted? Why am I being put through all this s***, surely I am not that bad a person that I don't deserve a second chance? I am so tempted to just bugger the hysterogram and the chicken pox vax! They have already found the blood disorder which they say is the cause of Nicholas dying, and I didn't know I wasn't immune to chicken pox previously and I got through without any related problems. DH says no we have to do everything right, but I did EVERYTHING right last time and he still died so maybe I should try a different angle and do the opposite. I know it is probably PMS talking but I feel really ripped off and hurt and sad and angry today. 
lol! Don't feel bad, my big butt doesn't fit any of my clothes either so I would have to shop too. If your up for it, I certainly am - ****tails, yum (she says drooling like Homer). We will get those tats beforehand and everyone will be so jealous, they will laugh at us but we will know the truth - its just cause they want one, lol 
Then I had a 2hr nap on the couch, so I woke up feeling alot better.
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