Spotting has started so I think it may be a BFN for us this month :frown: Got a BFN this morning but I am going to keep testing on the misguided hope that it is implantation bleeding.
Lynn - I can imagine how hard it is planning Cooper's garden, of course you want it to be perfect but just know he will love whatever you do because he knows it came from your heart. As far as it getting easier, its a tough one! I lost Nicholas 4 months and 7 days ago (but whos counting) and sometimes I think I am doing ok and things are getting easier but then something happens and I realise it is no easier at all. In a way I think maybe it does but more in the sense that you learn how to get through day to day life, which mind you is not easy at all, and how to cope with things such as leaving the house and so on. In terms of getting easier in the sense of accepting it and understanding it and properly coping with it, I think it takes a hell of a long time if at all. Don't put pressure on yourself to be ok, it has only been 1 and 1/2 months since you gave birth to Cooper and your whole world has been turned upside down, unfortunately it is gonna take an extremely long time and many many more tears before it even begins to turn the other way. Take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you whenever you need to vent your emotions :hugs:
Spring - I definitely had a margarita for you, one for me and one for you! I think they went straight to my head too :eek: You have no idea how happy I am that you have kept the pendant I gave you close by with Harrison's other belongings, it was intended to warm your heart and obviously it has so that makes my day
Ok well as for me I went and saw the psychologist. She was a really nice lady and made me realise something about myself which I think I have to try and change... I took everything she said so personally, almost like she was judging me! A couple of times I started defending myself and then realised I had misunderstood. Example being, I was telling her how desperate I feel to be pregnant again and how I feel I am going more down hill the longer it takes, so she started saying that is why sometimes they don't recommend trying so soon because your emotions are so raw and its alot harder to handle. She was saying that women look at having another baby almost as a replacement and she understands why but most people would say don't try. Well instead of hearing her out I kind of got upset and said I wasn't trying to replace my son, I will never be able to do that and nor would I want to but I had so many hopes and dreams for our family and I have a full nursery set up and no baby to sleep in there and well you all know how it goes, so anyway she told me I hadn't let her finish cause she going to say that this is what people say but that she thinks it is a natural want and need that women feel and that it is because their maternal insinct kicked in as soon as the pregnancy started, obviously only increasing that later in the pregnancy you get and therefore it is going against the nature of the instinct to not have your baby in your arms. I felt pretty silly for getting upset after that. Then at another point I thought she was judging me and DH because he has 3 kids with his ex, she was saying how we have a very complicated life and I said basically each to their own, life wasn't meant to be easy and we are used to it so it suits us fine, but DH actually butted in and told me that she is really talking about the last 4 months and that the kids being around all the time makes life more complicated because of the emotional stuff we are going through. Anyway, my point is that I have learnt (well hopefully I have anyway) to hear people out before I assume they are attacking me. So I am going to see her again on 25 Jan and she will talk to me more then, today was very much a get to know you. I showed her a photo of Nicholas and she said she thought he was beautiful and the photo was lovely cause he looked asleep. I liked that, I would show the world if I could but only problem is probably no one wants to see so I get really happy when someone does.
And what Spring was saying we discussed this arvo is that I have made the decision that I am not going to have the chicken pox vaccination. I have thought so much about it and have come to the conclusion that I cannot wait for all that time to TTC for my own sanity, without that hope and planning every month I don't know if I can get through. Sure, I get upset every time AF arrives but then I deal with it and start planning the next month. Without being able to do that I know I will fall to pieces. Basically, I figure I got through 29 years made up of kinda, primary school, high school, older sister having it when I was 4 and my adult years of working in the medical industry being around people all day every day and I have never had a problem - how likely is it that I am going to get it over 8 or 9 months of a pregnancy? I will not deliberately TTC this month simply because falling this month could conincide with Nicholas birthday, but I am not going to do anything to avoid it either iykwim. If I get AF next month I will go and have the hysterogram like Dr Umstad wants me to and then TTC seriously after that. If I am before that sobeit and I would welcome a new bubba regardless of the circumstances. I will however discuss my decision with Dr Umstad when I see him on 14 Feb. So that's the long and short of it - but you know it's always the long when it comes to me, lol
I hope everyone else is doing ok, Nat I have been thinking of you today and hope you are feeling a little better. Let us know how you are when you feel up to it.
Love Mel
P.S. Deb will be back soon, hope she is having fun on her holiday... lucky duck!
Last edited by Mel1977; January 11th, 2007 at 06:40 PM.
Hi there, I hope you are all well. I had my appointment today and we found out that our daughter died from Pulmonary Hypoplasia and Hydrops, which is basically underdeveloped lungs and lots of fluid:frown: The doc said that it was "incompatable with life" and it is pretty much always fatal. Even if we discovered this in the beginning, there would have been nothing that could have been done, even if she made it full term, she couldn't survive. So that's it! 10 weeks of stressful, nervous waiting and guilt and self blame and then to find out that she was never going to come home with us. Well at least it is probably just a "fluke" and is highly unlikely to happen again, but I have to see a geneticist to really be sure. We are just shattered but at the same time relieved that we have an answer. The finding has also stopped alot of my "what if's" and "should have's" as I have felt so guilty and resposible this whole time, thinking I could or should have realised something was wrong and went to the hospital earlier. I don't really know how to feel at the moment. I just miss her so much, and I am so sad that she never had a chance from the beginning. Doc also said that I should wait at least 6 months to TTC because of the c-section, which is longer than I was hoping, but I guess is the right thing to do. Wow, I am sorry, probably just babbling now. Thanks again everyone for your words.
Oh Bailey - I am sorry to hear your little girl never had a chance I am glad though that you don't blame yourself anymore, you never were to blame all you ever did was love her, but just to be given that reassurance is at least a little comforting (believe me I know). I am also glad to hear that it is unlikely to happen again, hopefully by seeing the geneticist you will be able to get more reassurance of that. In saying that, even though you have some "answers" it is still so heartbreaking and doesn't make it any easier to live with. I am really sorry to hear that the drs want you to wait longer than you had hoped, it seems like forever huh? Please know that even if you have to wait to TTC we would all still like you to join in if you feel you can, hopefully you can still find some much needed support from us both during and following those 6 months.
Do you think we could start a vent thread?... because I need to vent.
I pop in daily to read this thread but whenever I go to post something it seems so trite and inadequate and I just hit back and don't post it.
*hugs* to you all, and you really do have my admiration for being able to talk about your loss while I can't even acknowledge my angels in my signature.
I just thought I should add a thank you because even though I am in the shadows here I am selfishly getting support from you all that you don't even realise.
I think I just feel I shouldn't post here as I am not ttc and I don't feel that I belong in the m/c thread because sometimes I feel that I don't belong there because most of the girls while understanding the agony of our loss don't comprehend the feeling of repeated loss.
God this post id so dtupid, ok...well i think i'll go back to being an ostrich.
If you are feeling something it is not inadequate so you should feel free to hit send, you might be surprised how much support you actually get. I am certainly no expert but maybe the reason you don't feel you can acknowledge your angels is because you don't feel there are people who will understand how you feel, I think you find that people here do and would try to help you through. I am glad you have found us all so indirectly supportive, and if you choose to stay in the shadows I hope we can continue to help you out. If you need to vent at any time vent away in here - trust me I do my fair share, lol
Kerry - honestly every feeling or thought you have about your babies is "adequate" enough to press send. If you need to vent, you can do that here too, the girls are awesome and despite the pain they are going through individually you will get nothing but support here. Sometimes I have felt bad posting about my angel because I lost him so much earlier than some of the girls lost their children, but my experiances and pain are still real and I have the need for support too, just like you do.
Spring - I still have my fingers crossed it is implantation spotting
Mel - I am glad you have managed to talk to someone. As far as the chicken pox vaccine, I have never know them to check for immunity anyway. I thought they only check for rubella immunity. Has DH's kids had chicken pox? That would be my only concern, especially if they are always around. But the decision is totally yours.
Lynn - have you considered making jewellary for other mums that have lost their babies? I only ask, because I have spent the last 2 months trying to find a bracelet very similar to the one you made for your family and cant find one anywhere.
Well I didn't know they checked either, all I know if that when the OB told me they have found the blood disorder he also said that I have shown no immunity to chicken pox so I would need to get a vaccination if I wasn't pregnant already. DH's kids have all been vaccinated, and my nephew also has and they are the only children I am around on a regular basis. And they are around alot but I don't have anything to do with their schools so I wouldn't be exposed to other kids there.
Anyway, how is your little miracle going? And how are you feeling, still sick?
Clare - I have thought about donating bracelets to the hospital where Cooper was born for families affected by stillbirths. I was going to make one for mum and one for bub like I did for me and Cooper. I am more than happy to make you one. Feel free to email me and let me know what you would like. I make them out of crystal glass beads. Mine is clear and blue but I can make any colour.
Mel - I'm glad that you have made a decision about your injection. It must be a weight lifted off your shoulders as I'm sure you were thinking about it all the time. I can totally understand that you can't wait 5 months to TTC. I know I couldn't. I got through my pregnancy with Cooper with a low rubella immunisation, I'm sure you will too. I know what you mean about needing something to get through each day. I'm glad that you saw the psychologist. I have been seeing one for 3 weeks now and I'm not sure if it is helping as I feel like I am crying my eyes out the whole time. I guess it is good just to do that. Why do people not want to see a photo of Nicholas - I would love to.
Trish - I hope I am helping people. I have just received so much support here and I just want to give some back. Sometimes I just don't know what to say so I hope I am writing the right thing. Charlotte's garden is beautiful. Mine won't be that big but I will try to make it just as special. I think I know what I am going to do now - just need DH to build the garden bed. It will be made out of the same blocks you used for charlotte's garden because we already have garden beds made out of them and have some left over. I found a cherub statue and am getting a plaque made. I also found a cherub on a star - can you believe that? I wouldn't have been able to find one if I tried but I just saw it in Bunnings and had to buy it (well 4 of them actually!). Stars mean so much to me as Cooper has a star named after him.
Spring - I'm sure Jamie Durie would do an amazing garden but this is something that I want to design and do myself. But thank you for the thought. When are you moving to Sydney? I hope you get your BFP and that it is only implantation spotting. Fingers crossed.
Kerry - Sometimes I do the same thing. Write a post and then hit back. I don't know why, maybe I don't know how I am feeling, what I am feeling and so don't know how to communicate it with others. I just have so many feelings flying around at the moment, I just don't know how to talk about them.
Bailey - It must be a relief to know the reason why you lost your little angel. I'm so sorry that she never had a chance. I know the feeling about blaming yourself. I was there - still am.
I know that losing Cooper was just an accident (stupid cord) but I still don't understand how something like this can happen. Isn't the cord supposed to give them life? How does it happen to me but not the next person but then targets the person after that - why are we picked? How won't it happen again? I just keep thinking if only I had realised he wasn't moving I could have gone to the hospital and saved him. I thought I could feel him kicking even when I was told there was no heartbeat - how am I meant to know what is a brackston hick and what is bubby kicking. And if I didn't know with Cooper, how will I know next time.
The worst part is that Cooper passed a few days before I was told there was no heartbeat (what kind of a mother doesn't know her bubby isn't moving?????) and so his skin was very soft when he was born. DH and I made the decision that we would be the only ones to hold and see Cooper but now I am having regrets. I wished that my parents could have held him. We took photos but decided that they would only be for us. We have only showed our families a photo of his feet and hands but that is it. I read how some of you have photos of your babies around the house and I can't do that. I'm just so angry at myself because if I had realised sooner that his little heart had stopped, he could have been born sooner. I just feel terrible that I did that to his skin and that he was never given the chance to be held by his grandparents. But we just didn't want to hurt him anymore. He was just so perfect and beautiful.
Well thank god it's the weekend, goodbye to another long crappy week. DH's kids are staying for a week as of tonight so we are going to have a very busy week. Had alot of trouble getting them to go to sleep tonight (one reason to hate daylight savings!), lots of talking and mucking around coming from their bedroom but we eventually got there so here I am.
Lynn - I too felt like you did early on, why had I not known something was wrong? I had pains over night on the Sunday when he died and I slept on and off until after 1pm that day and kept telling myself he must have been moving while I was asleep. I only rang the hospital to check because I had a bit of spotting. While I was laying in the delivery suite waiting to be taken for my ultrasound (after they couldn't find a heartbeat) I looked at my tummy and told DH that I could see my belly throbbing so maybe there was some hope. As we all know hope was gone as he had already passed away. As Spring said, her and I have discussed "skin-slip", Nicholas' skin was so delicate that he had a mark on his left hand because I must have accidentally caught it with my nail and I felt so awful when I noticed it and it really ate me up for a while - actually we had a bookmark made up with his photo on it to hand out at the funeral, and I remember at the funeral DH's 6 year old son came up to me and said "Mel, what is that mark on Nicky's hand?", I just burst into tears. I have shown quite a few people photos (we went crazy and took lots) but I generally choose the less confronting photos so as to not scare people. I have found a few people have avoided looking at photos, I can't really tell you why and it does upset me greatly when they say they don't want to. Afterall he may be sleeping but he is just a little innocent baby, how can that be scary? One person said that they find it too upsetting so didn't want to look, and I always think well how upsetting do you think it is to me that my friend doesn't want to look at my son? Unfortunately I have never said anything to anyone, I have just sat there quietly with my thoughts of how hurt I am. I would be thrilled for you to see a photo of Nicholas if you want to, I would put one on the bottom of one of my posts for people to click on but to be honest I have no idea how to do it. I would be happy to email it to you if you wanted to tell me your email address though.
Anyway, I agree with Spring, the decision you made was what felt right at the time and those photos are your only special memories of him so you have to do what your heart tells you. I am sure he is so beautiful, I wouldn't be concerned about his skin or anything he is perfect in every way and always will be. I don't think you should beat yourself up about Cooper not having the chance to be held by his grandparents, the main thing to him is that he was held and cuddled by his mummy and daddy and he knows you were only looking out for his best interests because thats what mummys and daddys do. I also wanted to share with you that in the beginning I went through the same thing about if only I had known earlier, and I said this to the midwives and the ob and I was told by all of them that even if I had of known what was happening, by the time I had of gotten to hospital, been prepped for theatre and a caesar performed he would have probably already been gone and if not, had severe brain damage because of lack of oxygen. I don't know if that will help you stop blaming yourself but please know that there was absolutely nothing you could have done any different. And as far as the crying goes, unfortunately that is going to be the case for a long time. In my opinion crying is healthy, it means you are releasing that tension and emotion. You release it, it builds up again so quickly and you release it again. That's what crying is, it's a physical release and we need to do it. Take care of yourself and I hope Cooper's garden turns out to be perfect, just like him
Spring - I wanted you to know that as well as you, regardless of Harrison's skin, crimson lips, and clenched hands (which as you know Nicholas also had) I also think he is a beautiful little boy. As you know seeing him touched my heart and I think he is amazing too, and you are just as amazing because you created him (along with DH of course) :hugs: My AF has been very kind this time round, she came Monday and I have only had a little spotting that last couple of days and not really anything too heavy the whole time. I so have my fingers crossed for you at the moment, a little hope never hurt anybody huh!
Jo - (So sorry I called you Kerry before) I am so sorry for everything you have been through, life can be so cruel and I don't understand why and don't think I ever will :frown: What the dr said about the mark on Brigid's back being where her wings would have been made me feel so emotional, I am so happy she "stuck". You have done absolutely nothing wrong to make you deserve this, I don't think any of us have and it sucks and its unfair. I really do wish you the very best for the future and I hope your dreams come true, but in the meantime I hope we can offer you support and I hope that you feel a little less heavy (iykwim) by telling us about your angels.
Trish - Charlotte's garden is lovely, it must be such a peaceful place to sit and think about her.
Nat - You haven't popped in for a couple of days so I just wanted to say I hope you are ok and I am thinking of you. When you feel up to it, let us know how you are going. Until then look after yourself.
To everyone else, I hope you are all well.
Oh well, another predictably long post from me so I will be off now that I have bored you all to tears!.
Jo : you have been walking a terrible and heartbreaking road honey, you are very brave for sharing your story of your angel babies with us. I think that the Doctor may be right about the birthmark on your DD back . What a wonderful thought. My heart goes out to you babe and I am sending you a HUGE :hugs:
Trish: I am sorry you lost your Dad honey, what a tough thing to go through around the time of Charlotte's anniversary. I am sure they are up there looking over you. Your own little angels.
Mel: Another crazy weekend with the Kids. Are they taking it easy on you and DH? Well hopefully AF is well and truly gone so you can look forward to TTC this month. I hope with all my might that this is your month babe
Well me.......OK I don't know how to deal with this but I think there may be, and I say may be a feint second line. I am due for AF tomorrow and even though I have had a little spotting I thought I would still test because I am an addict. Anway considering I think I am 11 DPO I may still be in with a chance.
I kinda feel numb, it isn't a line by any stretch of the imagination, more like a pink shaddow but I remember the first few when I had the twins and they were simlar. I just woke up DH to tell him and he is estatic but as the cautious person he is he suggested, honey just wait a few days and teat again.... Hey I am not even going to wait until lunch buddy to test again (lol) I am not letting myself believe it because for all I know AF will be here tomorrow but I just hope so bad that the shaddow keeps getting darker.
I didn't know if I should say anything yet but I figure if I do get AF then I will need you wonderful ladies for support so what the heck.
Just how long can you look at a stupid little stick without going cross eyed?
I think Flowerchild will be back today but it will probably take her a week to catch up on all the chatter. Kirsty, how are you hun? Hope you are doing ok.
Anyway, I am going to look at my stick some more (lol)
I am hoping so much that it is a You know what I think about it, a line is a line - and a shadow might still count as a line. I am for you so much! If you do get a definite line you have to text me straight away, you will make my day. I know it is best to not get excited but it is absolutely impossible and I would be like you, I'd be in there testing, testing, testing.
Anyway my AF is gone (I think) , she was really kind this month - maybe she knew I needed her to be because of having such a rough week. We are actually not going to "try" this month. DH made me agree that this month we wouldn't deliberately try (as in OPK & bding 5-7 nights around O) but on the other hand wouldn't do anything to prevent it and that if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. It is because of Nicholas' birthday but also cause DH wants me to have the hysterogram I am booked in for on 14 Feb and obviously I can't if I am pregnant. BUT... between you and I (and everyone else who reads this, lol), I have remembered what you told me about if you do it every 2-3 nights throughout the month there is still a chance of falling pregnant (and considering I have O'd on CD14 every month since I have been testing and am due to O next Saturday I guess it could just be conincidental that we happened to bd on that particular day!). Hey he did say if it happens it happens!
So far the kids are being really good, they weren't too impressed before because we told them we are ALL doing a big "toy-chuck" today, we heard this big "ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh" and we told them that seeing as they got so much new stuff for birthdays (oldest end Sept, other 2 both Dec) and Christmas they would have to throw some stuff out cause there is no room for everything, and half of the stuff we haven't seen them touch in a long time. They still argued it and said but they like all of it. We then said well that's ok then you can keep it all, guess we will have to write to Santa and tell him he can't bring anything next Christmas cause we don't have the room. Surprise, surprise... we are doing a toy chuck today, lol.
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I am glad though that you don't blame yourself anymore, you never were to blame all you ever did was love her, but just to be given that reassurance is at least a little comforting (believe me I know). I am also glad to hear that it is unlikely to happen again, hopefully by seeing the geneticist you will be able to get more reassurance of that. In saying that, even though you have some "answers" it is still so heartbreaking and doesn't make it any easier to live with. I am really sorry to hear that the drs want you to wait longer than you had hoped, it seems like forever huh? Please know that even if you have to wait to TTC we would all still like you to join in if you feel you can, hopefully you can still find some much needed support from us both during and following those 6 months.
. What a wonderful thought. My heart goes out to you babe and I am sending you a HUGE :hugs:
for you so much! If you do get a definite line you have to text me straight away, you will make my day. I know it is best to not get excited but it is absolutely impossible and I would be like you, I'd be in there testing, testing, testing.
, she was really kind this month - maybe she knew I needed her to be because of having such a rough week. We are actually not going to "try" this month. DH made me agree that this month we wouldn't deliberately try (as in OPK & bding 5-7 nights around O) but on the other hand wouldn't do anything to prevent it and that if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. It is because of Nicholas' birthday but also cause DH wants me to have the hysterogram I am booked in for on 14 Feb and obviously I can't if I am pregnant. BUT... between you and I (and everyone else who reads this, lol), I have remembered what you told me about if you do it every 2-3 nights throughout the month there is still a chance of falling pregnant (and considering I have O'd on CD14 every month since I have been testing and am due to O next Saturday I guess it could just be conincidental that we happened to bd on that particular day!). Hey he did say if it happens it happens!
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