TTC after Late Loss/ Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth after 1st trimester ~ Dec 2006

[Mel1977]

Hey, it's me - the psycho - back again, and feeling a little better tonight.

Left work around 2pm cause I just couldn't take it, so came home and DH (who is still on holidays, lucky duck) greeted me at the front door with my necklace - he is such a sweetie sometimes Then I had a 2hr nap on the couch, so I woke up feeling alot better.

Bailey99 - You are more than welcome to join in. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your little girl :hugs: What is her name? I would like to call her by name if that is ok with you. If you need support you have certainly come to the right thread, these ladies are amazing and I hope you find as much solice here as I have. It is such a difficult journey to go through, and we have only just begun. I lost my son Nicholas in September and have been on that journey pretty much since the beginning (well as soon as I physically could anyway) but have been told we now have to wait about 6-8 weeks for a couple of reasons so that kind of sucks. I wish you all the best with your appointment, be sure to pop in and let us know how you get on.

Spring - Thanks for everything today, you know you are a legend

Nat - I know everyone is right, I do need to have the vax and the hysterogram because I just can't give myself any reason to blame myself if this happened to my next baby, as everyone has said we blame ourselves anyway so lets not give us reasons to huh. The quote from your friend is nice, I have to admit I know Nicholas has already made me a stronger person (not that it seems that way today but honestly he has) and also made me a kinder, more caring person. I don't think I was awful beforehand or anything but I definitely think I am a much more compassionate person, and on top of that my whole idea of what is important in life has completely changed. I have a greater love and respect for my family, my husband (we only got married on 25/11 because Nicholas showed us just how much we love each other and that it is what we want) but also I think for any children that I should be lucky enough to have in the future, if that makes sense. And I am with you, I hope every single woman in here gets their hearts desire ('s all round) in 2007.

Lynn - I am so sorry you had an awful weekend. About your sister, I am not sure what she said or how close you are, but she is your sister and I am sure she didn't mean to hurt you. If you find in a couple of days it still bothers you maybe you can calmly discuss it with her and let her know you were hurt, I am sure she probably doesn't realise and would soon make it right. Also, about your friend who had the baby, it is a really hard thing to handle. While you want to be happy for your friend and would never wish your situation on them, it is impossible not to sit there and think why me and not them, or why Cooper and not their baby. This is so natural, it doesn't make you a bad person or anything, just a woman who has had a huge injustice done to her by nature and is struggling to not only get through daily life but to understand why.

In terms of me going back to work, I went back only about 4-5 weeks after Nicholas died. The only reason I went back is because DH had to go back to his work and I was scared to stay home on my own, I am very much a people person and I thought going back would give me something to keep my mind occupied. Another reason I guess I went back is because I had Nicholas at the hospital where I work and I was starting to feel anxiety about what it would be like to go back, wondering if I would have flashbacks and all, so I decided I had to face my demons and it didn't end up being as hard as I thought it would be to go through the door that first day. I have to admit that my boss is really good and he put me back to work doing whatever I felt comfortable doing. I found it difficult at first, most days I would walk in the door sad and by mid morning have had a tear or two. My co-workers are for the most part quite supportive, most of them went to Nicholas' funeral. For a while there were days when I would just wake up in the morning and decide I couldn't go in and allowed myself to do that. It did start to get easier, but then a month or so afterwards I started to feel like everybody expected me to be the same old Mel again and that started to mess with my head, to the point where I got so upset I posted asking for advice because I felt like everyone had forgotten what had happened and expected me to be the happy-go-lucky person I used to be. That was a while ago now, I think I still have my days where it is easy, then others where it is hard (obviously today was one of those) and I think it will stay that way for a very long time. The one thing I need to learn is to allow myself to have those bad days and not put so much pressure on myself to be ok all the time. I have dropped down to working 4 days a week so that I can have a mental down day per week and it was meant to be temporary but in all honesty I think I will stay that way. Since going to 4 days I am much better at work (today was an exception) and can generally get through ok.

I really think going back to work is an individual thing, if you don't think it is the best thing to do then definitely listen to your heart. I do agree that keeping yourself busy is important, if jewellery making is something that can keep you busy while you also enjoy it then definitely stick to that. What you need to worry about is your emotional and physical well being. Don't worry about money (easy to say I know) or letting people down or anything like that, you worry about you. You are still in the early days, Cooper has only been gone a very short while and then you have had Christmas to deal with on top of that so it's such a hard time, you are doing well just to get out of bed each morning and give life a go. Give yourself all the time you need, you may never be ready to go back to work and if that is the case don't.

Well there you go, you can tell I am feeling a little better - babbling again! I am sure you didn't need me to say all of that but I have typed it now so I am gonna send it, lol.

Take care everyone and sweet dreams,

Love Mel

P.S. Oh and Lynn, I remember reading that comment in your thread as well (also unsure who said it though) and I remember at the time thinking how true it was, you would trade absolutely everything in life to have those sleepless nights, dirty nappies and be covered in baby vomit - it's so spot on!