aries - thanks for your words. you will do what is right for you. i didn't intend for you to feel judged in any way by my post and i really hope you don't feel that way. counseling has really helped me, but it's all about finding someone you connect with.

i found that for myself, trying again very soon after a loss in the end placed a lot of pressure on me. i found waiting for a bit took the pressure off and i could concentrate on healing. i am just about to see if in reality there is any difference between trying again quickly and waiting before trying again. i am thinking there won't really be much of a difference because i desperately want to fall pregnant again, so totally understand the anxiety you describe.

chez 67 - thankyou. it took me ages to find the courage to start posting, after lurking for months, and when i did post i was welcomed with genuine warmth. how wonderful is that?

if some of the things i have learnt through hard experience help someone else, then i will share. i never expected to have suffer one loss let alone multiple losses, but that's what's happened. it's easier in some ways yet harder in others dealing with multiple losses. i suppose there is less shock because the inconceivable has already occurred.

i wish i wasn't so accepting of the tragic death of my babies and wish i could wig out or get really angry, but mostly i am just sad. i feel so privileged for having the opportunity to know and love my babies however briefly and that i could ensure their time in this world was one where they were loved with all that dh and i am and have. the moment my eldest daughter was born and i held her, despite the overwhelming sadness, was truly a defining and amazing moment for both dh and me. bittersweet but amazing. it is those feelings that seem to help and carry me forward during the darkest times. the feelings were surprisingly still there for my other babies. being a mother is truly amazing, even if i am parenting in absentia, a way i never expected to parent....perhaps the strength you see in my words is a legacy of my precious little ones?

ahhh enough rambling from me. i am just really grateful to have been so warmly and genuinely welcomed to these threads. thankyou ladies.