I hope everyone got through Christmas ok. I found it hard Christmas eve but got through xmas day ok with only the occasional tear. It was pretty quiet, just dh and I with my mum, stepdad and their dog

Neither of us can handle crowds atm or more having to talk to strangers so we're trying to work out what we do for NYE. DH found it hard talking to family on skype. The constant 'how are you going' questions are hard. They mean well but what are you supposed to say? We're ok, we're a mess?

We went down the beach today and each released a balloon with a message for Leo. It's been 5 months now. We're trying to let go of the pain and things like this help. I want to be able to cherish my memories of our son without turning into a basket case. I also want to be in a space where I can welcome another baby into our lives without feeling guilty like we're replacing Leo. We can never replace him.

I woke up xmas morning from a dream where I was holding a newborn son and I was comparing him to Leo, seeing how they looked different. I will always long for our little angel but I want another baby and that dream made me feel happy, like I can love Leo and another child too. I still want to leave it til next year though and that's only 6 days away now.

I hope you're all well.