HI all,
Sorry I have been MIA. Busy with BD and Xmas stuff. I have been having a tough time as this time last year I was eagerly awaiting my baby and having a baby shower and making the nursery perfect.
I wrote this
A bright star guided them on their way,
On that first and special Christmas day.
It showed them where the road was safe,
And helped them with redeeming grace.
They followed the star with faith complete.
And knew with this their souls would keep.
They knew the star would guide them well,
They’d started a story told so well.
In my new life your star guides me,
It shows me how my life should be.
You help me with your guiding light,
And though life’s been black you have made it bright.
This Christmas as we celebrate;
We’ll search for your special star shining bright.
You’ll guide us through with love and care,
And we’ll remember you well and wish you were here.
Our life without you is not quite free and whole,
As we stumble slowly along with peace as our goal.
We look to the heavens and see you are there;
Looking down from your star guiding us both with care.
This Christmas the stars in the heavens will shine,
They’ll guide us and helps us through this special time.
For all of the children that aren’t here on earth,
Are guiding their families with love till they burst.
So look to the sky please this new Christmas eve,
And know when you see stars my babies with me.
She stays in my heart as I gaze at the sky,
And the story of Christmas tells me just how and why.
Hello ladies
I have been meaning to post again for a while but things just keep cropping up.
Kateo - what a lovely lovely poem and what a talented lady you are.
Chez - so glad your scan went well! Wow 8 weeks...congratulations I know when I was pregnant each and every week seemed like a milestone. I am sure that this will be even more acute next time.
Lollylegs - aghhh the TWW! At least you will have Xmas to distract you a bit I hope. Good luck hun and hopefully you get a sneaky BFP before the year is out.
Dory - so good to hear from you. You must be looking forward to Xmas with your beautiful Hannah. Cherish the memories.
Blessed - Here's hoping for a 2011 baby for you!
Gigi - how are you doing? Think of you often hun.
Lady Tess - I have heard of the legs in the air thing but have been too embaressed to do it in front of DH who I am sure would think me mad! LOL. So important to have a laugh though when TTC isn't it otherwise it can just become all too stressful.
Sarahrach - welcome sweetie. You will find these bunch of ladies a fantastic support whenever you feel you are ready to TTC.
AFM - weird cycle. Don't know if I am due AF tomorrow or in 3-4 days time. Thought I O'd on day 14 but FF says day 18 which I can see but I have never O'd so late. Took a HPT on what I thought was 10 dpo (but could well be 6 dpo) and it was a BFN. Then I had some weird orange CM that afternoon and thought maybe implantation bleed so too early for BFP anyway. Have decided not to POAS until Saturday if I don't have a temp drop. Been feeling really positive about this cycle but we will see. Tried preseed this cycle so we will see if that helps!
Been busy with our move back to Aust. It has been really hard packing all of DS's baby clothes, mobiles, toys etc as they would have been my DD's. I couldn't help but think whether I should be keeping any of it to be honest as the doubt creeps in as to whether I will ever have another bub. Was going through our important documents the other day and found DD's scan pictures and completely lost it. She was such a little fighter and my body failed her. It still hurts and always will.
Just feel as though I have to keep moving forward though so have booked an appt with a FS when we get back to see about progressing towards IVF. Appt is in early Feb. So a couple more natural cycles. FX I get preg before then.
Take care all. xx
Sorry to pop in, but I miss you guys as you have always been such a supportive crew and I feel a bit out of place as I'm still not feeling "pregnant" so to speak...
SusieQ! Symptoms sound good, sounds like implant spotting so if you can hold out for another week to test! Fingers x'd!!!
Kate - your poems are so meaningful. I hope you keep a book of them. I used to write when I was a teen and it's awesome looking back at how I felt/coped back then using words. Good luck with your next cycle.
Chez - Woo hoo to 8 weeks and seeing bub on another scan. Must be reassuring!!
Lollylegs - Ah the TWW. Torture! Try and stay busy and keep positive. I made a pact with myself not to test until the day after AF was due and the line was nice and strong. Good LUCK!
Gi - What's happening chicken? Hope you are being kind to yourself at this time of year.
Ladytess - where are you at lovely?
As for me, 7 weeks along today. Seeing OB/GYN on Tuesday to check progress. Had a bit of a flip out earlier in the week and I'm sorry if this upsets anyone. I am so happy to be pregnant but had been blocking my intense fear of losing another bub and it all errupted earlier in the week with me thinking I couldn't possibly get through this pregnant. I started to worry about whether I'd make it to the end with my sanity intact. I posted in the pregnancy section and no one replied! haha. So I did the next best thing and cried. I'm ok now though. I've been really sick with morning sickness (never had it with my other two pregnancies, and who calls it MORNING sickness when it's all bloody day sickness!) and really sore boobs, exhausted beyond belief and just sooooooooo hormonal! All good signs I keep telling myself but argh! The rollercoaster journey continues long after TTC!
Anyway, I think once I have a scan and hopefully see a heartbeat, things will feel more "real". Sorry for the long post. I guess I wasn't ready for the rush of emotions but I'm feeling much better now.
Big hugs to all and have a great weekend. Can't believe Santa comes in one week....
Girls - love to you all. I promise to be in later to say hi...flat strap atm. DH...bless him is in a cold bath with ice packs for extra fun. The restaurant has no air con and i just picked him up to refresh before dinner ....blahhh sweaty monkey! xoxoxo
Kate- hun it is hard and especially at xmas time. You write beautifully and thank you for writing your poem in here. I am sure the women will all agree- it speaks to many of us and no doubt it will help more than one of us to read that atm. Thinking of you.xoxo
Suzie Q- Packing up is a big emotional thing for me. I try not to hoard but i do place a lot of importance and sentiment on certain things and especially after losing DD. So i can somewhat understand the experience you are having now. Man alive your cycle this month sounds confusing....but wierdly my cycle last month was quite similar...thought was implantation bleed, thought ov earlier...but it was later than i thought. Didn't see that until we were upon it. Fingers crossed for you hun for the next two months...i have a sneeking feeling you might not need that appointment.
Safe travels and hope you settle back here before you know it. xoxo
Tess, Lolly, Chez, Dory....Blessed (love to here from you hun.)
Thank you so much for asking after me and yes the concert was a blast. It was a lovely night out...i ust ooove live music.
Chez- glad all is going well hun. Look into Lysiene (sp) tablets...ask about and see it that can make a difference for the Candida without harming bub. I am not sure but i think it is fine for pg. xox
Lolly- Goodluck and will be thinking of you on the TWW hun...lets hope this is it!
Blessed- hope your angels had a lovely 2nd bday...can't believe it is that long already. Thinking of you and thanks for dropping by.
Dory- love...you are a beautiful soul. Thinking ofyou always. xoxo
Powelly- love...nice to see you in here. You are welcome in here anytime...you know that. So don't wait around somewhere else if you are not getting the support hun. I am so sorry you hit a wall with the 'coping factor'! God i had a freak out for a moment on the first pg so i can only imagine what it might be like now you have experienced such heartache. It makes my heart sweel that you are so happy to be pregnant. I am just so sorry you have been lumped with such ordinary symptoms. You deserve a plain sailing one!!
I will fill you in a bit more on me below. I hope you are 'feeling' more like a whale anytime soon...but hun, in this heat lets keep that under wraps. My god it is so hot up here. Or should i say humid....sooo humid. Come in here anytime..ANYTIME.
AFM- Well it has been a bit of a dark and stormy month for me. I have hit a bit of a bottom in that horrid pit again and on my way back up to civilisation again now...i hope. I am getting trapped in the xmas hoohar and have successfully spent more than we can afford...Not my plan. I do love buying for people. I have had to face a few little demons this month and the old conversation on when we should give this dream up has hit our lips once more. We are too busy right now to get too deep into it and this month seems like a dud. I can be pretty sure i have not ovulated this month and with the here, there bding I am pretty sure we are not pg this month.
I will post more when i can but i have a few deadlines i need to meet with gifts...and I have overdone one of them for the kids- now i have to even them all up a bit. Ha...but got to be fair!
Thinking of you all and thank you for thinking of me. I have missed everyone on the previous page and I promise with all my heart i will catch up again soon.
xoxoxo
Oh please bring us a baby in the new year.
p.s. going to an adoption info evening in feb. We have rulled this out twice before 8-9 and 4-5 years ago but we thought we would give it one last ditch effort....maybe just maybe someone is giving a baby away...and maybe just maybe the waiting lists are not what they used to be. xoxoox
Hope you are all not hectic busy........enjoy the time with your families in the next week.
Powelly- sooooo glad to see you here!!! Hope you are feeling better and you are very welcome to come and freak out in here!!!
kateo - that is a beautiful poem.... you are very talented.
Gigi- fingers crossed that 2011 is your year -let us know how the adoption info evening goes too.
SusieQ - FF can get a bit obsessive.....you watch your cycle like a hawk - but it is the best I have ever known my body and I have only been doing it properly for 2 months.
AFM- next few weeks are going to be hectic as we are moving towns.......arrrgghhh!!! 6 Days to go til I can test but DH reckons I can't test til January so we have a great start to a new year....LOL.....I'm like I will already know by then!!!
Hope you all have a wonderful break!! Babydust to everyone
I leave it so long between posts, I end up writing a novel.
Sararach - welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. You lost your little boys the same time as we lost our son Leo. Getting past the EDD is quite tough. Ours was only 5 weeks after he died and we had a family dinner with our private midwife. There's no rule on when you need to jump back into DTD. For us, it's an important part of our emotional connection. We took it easy though and still do. We both take care to make sure we are in the right space emotionally. Also, I have some left over physical issues with SPD. I was determined though to try and separate the experiences of Leo's death with the joy of being intimate with my husband. Leo's always with us and we sure enjoyed making him, so now we're just "practicing" and being with each other. I also find writing helps a lot. It gets it out of me and helps me stop getting myself in a tizz.
Lady Tess - Good luck with catching your Christmas egg. Sounds like your legs will be in the air alot this week
lollylegs - I hope you've already caught your Christmas egg! Good luck with the move.
dory - it's so good to hear from you You've always been an inspiration for me. Glad to hear things are well with Hannah Bear. We have lots of photos of Leo around the house. For us, it's important to have him with us always. I'm kind of worried there won't be enough space for photos of the next bub, but I'm sure we'll find room. It's also great that Hannah will grow up knowing her brother and sisters.
blessed - it's wonderful you're back with a plan for 2011. I love your montage of Taite and Seth
chez - lovely to hear you and bub are going well. 180 is a great heartrate. I got elevated white blood count all through pregnancy - apparently i kept getting UTIs.
Kateo - lovely poem. I hope you're OK
SusieQ - I hope you get your BFP. I can't imagine how hard it is packing up the baby clothes and toys. We've thought of moving house and every time I think of packing away Leo's things I stress out. I know sometimes it's difficult to stay positive but don't give up hope.
Powelly - I hope you can still get the support you need in here. The M/s sounds positive. I've never got m/s either. Freaking out is totally normal. Once the innocence is taken, it's hard not to think about all the things that can go wrong. Lots of hugs and good luck with your scan - when is it?
Gigi1 - I'm sorry you've been having a hard time. Christmas is such a difficult time. All the happiness and joy and being with family when we're missing the most important member of our family. It truly sucks. btw - with the adoption thing, how long are the lists exactly? I've done some basic research but heard it's so long and difficult to have a baby placed in Australia.
AFM - well we're still waiting until 2011 to TTC again. I know we could try over Christmas/New Year but I'm still not ready. My naturopath has suggested I wait another 6 months until my body clear the copper overload but I'm just not willing to wait that long. I just turned 37. I don't feel like I have a lot of time left.
So far in the last 2 weeks I've had 3 or 4 Christmas freakouts. I also had a "my cycle is screwed, I'm obviously starting menopause, I'll never be able to have another baby" freakout. I'm lucky I have some very good friends who can talk me back into being sensible.
With my cycle, I'm taking a FF break but am temping anyway and charting in Excel. I started getting +ve OPKs at CD14 and figured I'd O around CD16 as usual. No temp rise. Got a REALLY +ve OPK on CD19 and had a temp rise the next day, so figured it was just a bit delayed. Then my temp went back down for 2 days and up again CD23. So I freaked out, as the only time I've O'd as late as CD22 was after a m/c. Then I talked myself down and figured somehow my cycle had moved out a week and this would be good because then we'd be TTCing in Feb. But AF turned up on CD29 as planned, which now has me worried about short LPs, low estrogen etc etc. My GP doesn't want me getting blood tests yet. I'm still less than 5 months since birth, stressed and have high copper toxicity which can affect estrogen levels, so apparently I shouldn't freak out yet. I'm going to see how this cycle goes. I've also gone back to my naturopath to help things along.
WRT Christmas. I've already been to 1 family Christmas party. Watching Mum set up for my niece and nephew with no setting for Leo had me and Mum in tears. She's bought a lot of angels and is using blue to decorate to include him. I've decorated our tree in blue and yellow and we have 2 decorations for him. One has his photo, the other his name. I discovered Christmas carols set me off, so I avoid them. Luckily, I managed most of the Christmas shopping online, so I've avoided getting to the shops. We did go to Kmart today to buy a couple of toys to put under the Wishing Tree for the Salvos. We bought a big blue bear and a little lion. Hopefully they will bring some joy to a little one this Christmas. And we didn't notice any bloody carols while we were out.
Now we're getting closer to TTC again, I'm starting to feel nervous. I got the guilts about replacing Leo, but no one can ever replace him. He will always be our beloved eldest son. We just want a healthy, take home baby. On that, the lab want to rerun the DNA testing. They've identified the two gene mutations in Leo from which they may be able to develop a pre-natal test, but now they're unsure if it was inherited from us or a rare spontaneous mutation for which there will be no test. So we now won't hear a results until some time in January. Which is doing my head in.
I really should post more and avoid these essays. It's just difficult finding the energy sometimes.
Tash- I hear you about long posts and finding the energy sometimes it is just not there.
Thanks Love for your lovely wordsx. I find carols set me off a bit too. I was just not prepared for them the first i heard them this year.
It is lovely what you have done to include Leo. You have such a lovely and thoughtful family.
Online shopping...got to love it. xoxoxo Take care hun and have a wonderful christmas preparing for what 2011 will bring. I understand the ticking of time. I hope yoru freak outs are few and you have many moments of blissful clarity this christmas hun.
Oh and the adoption stuff. Well they say that the need for adoption in Aust is falling so waiting lists are getting longer. I am not usre at this stage which is why we were going again to find out what it is now...8 years ago- it was about 8 years. INternationally i think it is about 4 years but please don't quote me on it. We really have to get our facts right on this as our info is very out of date. I understand that China and Korea are easiest fro Aus to adopt however they are declining too as they are encouraging domestic adoption for the children first which of course is the best situation for them if the family suits. Thankfully there are fewer babies in trouble and need of homes. There are a lot of older children or those that are brothers and sisters. I am just not sure i can jump straight into that. I need to grow with the child...that is how i feel about it atm...i don't know.
Legs- Thanks hun, will do.
Good luck to you too hun. I was just thinking...new neighbours are moving in...wonder what it is like to move house a week before christmas? You will completely understand. Hope it goes well and it keeps you busy from POAS!
Hello All - just wanted to pop back in and let you know that AF arrived on Sunday. I was kind of expecting it so whilst I am disappointed I wasn't devastated. I think this move back to Oz is really helping as I have so much to do (and to look forward to) that I haven't had as much time to dwell this month as I have in the past.
I am actually just really looking forward to the end of this crappy, sh*tty year to be honest. I hate wishing away time, but I am wishing for the end of this year to hurry up. I really won't be sad to see the end of it. 2011 is going to be a much better year for all of us, it has to be!!
I wish you all a fabulous hot Xmas. We will be freezing here - though I hope it snows again so we can have one last white Xmas. Then it must all melt in time for us to fly out on NYE!
Take care all.
Oh Suz...I am sorry hun.
I hope you have a safe trip and a wonderful Christmas. It is amazing what 'being busy' can do for you hey. Take care hun xoxoxo
Hi ladies, thank you so much for your warm welcomes. I've read all your responses and really appreciate your words. I'm still having trouble being on here so I'm not going to stay here long today other than to say thank you, it has really helped me make a first step that I've been so scared to do. So forgive my rudeness please. Love you girls :-)
Merry Christmas to all the girls in here.
I understand this is a very difficult time for everyone. I am thinking of you all and wish you all a peaceful and loving day tomorrow.
I wish for you all that family and friends are thoughtful and aware.
Thinking of you all, selfishly helps me feel less alone in this.
Blessings all round. oxoxoxox
Bring on 2011 and good things to come.
Gigi it helps me too knowing I'm not alone with this sort of pain. This Christmas will be the toughest yet, but I'm thankful I have a loving husband and wonderful family to lean on.
Merry Christmas everyone. I hope 2011 is filled with love and joy even amongst the grief.
I hope everyone got through Christmas ok. I found it hard Christmas eve but got through xmas day ok with only the occasional tear. It was pretty quiet, just dh and I with my mum, stepdad and their dog
Neither of us can handle crowds atm or more having to talk to strangers so we're trying to work out what we do for NYE. DH found it hard talking to family on skype. The constant 'how are you going' questions are hard. They mean well but what are you supposed to say? We're ok, we're a mess?
We went down the beach today and each released a balloon with a message for Leo. It's been 5 months now. We're trying to let go of the pain and things like this help. I want to be able to cherish my memories of our son without turning into a basket case. I also want to be in a space where I can welcome another baby into our lives without feeling guilty like we're replacing Leo. We can never replace him.
I woke up xmas morning from a dream where I was holding a newborn son and I was comparing him to Leo, seeing how they looked different. I will always long for our little angel but I want another baby and that dream made me feel happy, like I can love Leo and another child too. I still want to leave it til next year though and that's only 6 days away now.
tashybabe - you speak words we know all too well... You will never replace little Leo, he is with you forever. But I too know the longing for holding a earthside bubba.
All the rest of you lovely ladies - I hope you coped well during christmas... My ticker is actually wrong as I am only 3dpo. Had massive ovulation pains Christmas eve later in the afternoon. So I am guessing it was really a christmas egg. I just hope we have caught it. Something like that would replenish my faith in Christmas.
Christmas, we got through. Not many glitches, shared a few tears and talked about what he might have been up to on this day as he wouldve been 10 months old. We also got a suprising email, Hubby works alongside a certian AFL football club, and we recieved a email from their president expressing his sympathy and offering not only a memership for our 8 year old but a seasons worth of suprises including running out with the team on one of the mcg games... My son no less is over the moon. But is it wrong of me to sit here and think, everyone around him can make him happy except me... He was waiting so long for his baby brother, and that was ripped from him.
Hi Ladies, Hope you all coped okay over the holidays. We have had been sooo busy and stressed for me to think about it much. We got stuck between flood waters for a bit near Bundaberg but made it home yesterday. AF should have arrived 2 days ago but not here yet have POAS but got a BFN so don't know if its just late cos of the stress in the last week. We have to move and have been looking for a house this last week so now have a week to pack and move 200k's away. So I suppose I should hop off here and start packing. Hope you all have a lovely new year and may 2011 bring us all we wish for!!!
I hope you all got through Christmas ok, as difficult as it is for all of us. I am not sure that Christmas will ever be the same for us again.
We had a quiet day with family. It was so hot over here that I think I overdid things and had to spend the next day in bed with a bad headache and nausea.
I wish everyone the best for 2011, and have my fingers and toes crossed waiting for some new year BFPs!
Bookmarks