Babe, i was so similar. I thought my 'mothers instinct' was completely **** too. I thought, how on earth can i be so healthy and this happen. How could we want and desire this so much and it all go wrong. We both put so much energy into being healthy and we could not have loved our baby more...why was she taken and HOW did i not know things were going wrong???
I comfort myself with believing that i was not meant to know until i did. I would not have enjoyed the pregnancy with DD as I did and maybe it would have ended if i had known earlier...not by my choice, but maybe the advice given to us would have been different and maybe we have had different choices to make. I believe that DD knew it was important for me to give birth to her, to know that she was a girl, to have felt her move, to be home in AUs for her birth...to spend time with her, loving her, loving my pregnancy and believing in life again, having hope in all things....just a little bit longer until I lost it al again.
I don't think it is a kid's question...but we all have our inner child at times like this asking exactly that. We are taken back to raw, honest, niave, innocent questions and no answer seems to ever be good enough. There is no reason good enough as to why we lost our babies.
All of your words ring true to me. A life not lived, is not fair. I don't want the privilege of being a 'special parent' with the ashes of my child in my bed, by my pillow while others lives seem to move along a much lighter journey. It is not fair.
I will say this....you have plenty of time down the track to be happy for your friends. Now may not be the time, now is time for you and your boys. If they were alive you would be spending time on them with not a lot of time for others. I suggest you take the same for now. You can be happy for others but for now, it is important to be sad for you. You have a lot to be sad about. Enjoy your walk love, and your shower and just let your tears fall. Sunglasses might be handy. The heart wrenching hell of grieving for your boys will ease over time as you find ways to integrate them into your life. It takes times as you know, it is not the norm.
Here if you need anything love. Come in as often as you need to and vent what ever raw emotion comes to mind....if you need to be more graphic, feel free to PM me. I often swore my head off with anger...still don on occasions. Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug. xoxoxo
Tashy - It isn't fair, It's something you will never understand. It is especially made hard when people around you are having what you should have. I agree with Gigi though, concentrate on you, you don't have to be happy for anyone at this point hun. It's ok to not have the strength to feel happy for them. It's ok to be sad and the unfairness that you're beautiful son's are dead and that you and your DH are the ones left behind grieving. It is sad, it is unfair, things shouldn't be this way. As for it being easier the 2nd time round, I can't imagine that it would ever be easier. It takes enormous energy to grieve, and after grieving for L, I think that would drain you. A loss of J so close would be enough to sap every ounce you have. I am glad you are talking through your feelings whether it be on here or wherever, keep talking, we are always listening. Big big
Tashy-- Thank you for writing to me on the other thread. I am trying to find my way back. I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry. I found that walking, walking, walking helped -- I walked a lot-- and looking at trees. We miss our son tremendously. It is still fresh, but not as fresh as it was.
My husband and I began to participate in infant loss groups. That helped, even when I didn't "feel" like going. We did memorials and vigils...and I said my son's name CONSTANTLY. I wanted people to know that he existed. These people helped us to heal. But of course, healing doesn't happen all at once and it doesn't ever "finish" -- and that's okay.
Reading stories of loss actually helped too. There is a good book called "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" which is the story of a mother and her baby born still. She is a fantastic writer.
The doctors told us that our son would, most likely, have been born still. We are grateful that he lived for 2 months, but he did suffer in his struggle for life.
I am glad that you wrote to me, though I am sad to meet you again here.
Thank you for your response to me and reaching out, under the circumstances.
S&S - glad you could join us, though sorry you had to.
I'm so glad for you that your mummy instinct meant you knew something was wrong and Obie came early. I know that seems a bizarre thing to say, but you had that time with him, however short. He was a beautiful little boy and so loved. You may want to explain your situation to the others when you're up to it.
I'm a bit better today and about to go for a walk. I have pancake mixture waiting for me to make brunch and GF bread dough resting before baking. DH got home last night and I had a better night's sleep which makes a big difference.
I've noticed this before in grief, the lead up to milestones is so much worse than the actual day. It's like I process ny grief beforehand and find some peace on the actual day. Not that Monday was a milestone I had anticipated.
I'll be back later. I just wanted to welcome S&S to our board and thank you all for your support. I'm not the best contributor here but I really appreciate somewhere people can understand.
Tash-- Yes, in a strange way, I thank my body. Before my son, I *hated* my body. I felt like it had let me down, from the miscarriage. But then we had our son. And at first, I was angry with my body...but then we started to learn that my son was very compromised. We were spared having to make a terrible choice of ending the pregnancy or continuing it. Then we found out that he was a mystery child. Now, I thank my body. We did the best we could-- as you did. This is a strange thing to say-- but I'm not sure that I would change anything. Of course, I would have liked to have had a healthy son. But he wouldn't have been the complicated little guy -- the unique person he was. Our grief is mixed up with all kinds of complex layers.
to anyone who is reading this-- I had a "normal" pregnancy. Our son was born at nearly 33 weeks. But he couldn't swallow his own secretions, no gag reflex, and he had difficulty breathing effectively on his own. It was very scary, as the doctors didn't know what was wrong or why he was born as he was. He was conceived with donor sperm and was a little IVF wonder. No chromosomal issues, and all genetic tests came back normal. They said that he suffered an injury in the womb-- but we have no idea how. For a long time I kept asking why, why, why. Now I just give him over to the great Mystery of all that IS. We don't know why. I am grateful to him, that I got to experience pregnancy as long as I did. I learned a lot. He gave me courage. He helps me to move again (he couldn't move his legs very well). I look at handicapped children differently. I appreciate life more. These are gifts. They help me to smile through tears, when they fall.
Tashy love, checking up on you. How are you going today? And it is ok if it was just as bad as yesterday or the day before. You are in my thoughts and here today if you need to chat about anything. I will have my computer on for the next few hours hun. Thinking of you. xoxo
Sunshine and Stars, Welcome and sorry to welcome you here. Sorry to hear of your beautiful boy's death and the heartache you have experienced. Nothing else compares. You are surrounded by pretty special women in here and i hope you will find some comfort in knowing you can speak up and be heard, can talk about anything, can find some understanding. It is a safe place and supportive place.
I see you are on TWW, wishing you much luck and love. Hoping for you a beautiful journey through a new pregnancy and the birth of a sibling for your first born boy. xoxo
CD5 for me and winding up on the AF front. Thankfully, as it was a bit rough this time round. Another month done, what will this one bring.
I found myself bawling last night with moment of deep heartache, desperation to hold my girl. I struggle to find comfort in reason today. No reason seems good enough to not have my girl here running around, driving me mad.
Love and thanks to all for cheering me on and your thoughts.
Yes i would have to agree, the elad up for me has always been the hardest and i still find that. An anticipation for the day but also the lead up for a day that becomes history. It sems harder to let things go when you have had to let go of someone/something so huge, so important, so special. xoxo
Enjoy your walk and the pancakes love...you have given me the idea!
Sigh.... sorry I haven't been around much. I wish I could wave my wand and make it at little easier for us all to bear. I haven't really had a chance to read everything yet, but what I have has made my heart heavy. I am so sorry my dear sweet friends.
Nothing spectacular to report as to why I was awol, I just some how dropped off the radar and thought we'd all gone quiet. LOL. I should have known better.
I hope not to go AWOL again for a while.
Have been doing it tough here too - just insensitive relatives - who in a short flurry of words managed to bring me back to the very raw grief. But one of the things that has come from it? I now know I am much stronger than I imagined and that I will protect my babies memory and legacy. I guess until now I never really had to. The lioness in me has roared, but it has come at a price both of self and my "relationship" with the relatives.
Someone suggested to me that I just call one of the relatives and just apologise even though I didn't do anything wrong. I can't do that. It's disrespectful and dishonest on so many levels, to myself, to my babies, and to the other person. Then the person suggested that my nana ( who I adore) would do that. So lay the guilt on me... no fair. I just responded that my nana was a bigger person than I will ever be. I think that's a way of saying I am not going to aplogise. I don't often think that principles shold stand in the way of relationships, but I do this time.
Ahhh, and just when I thought I was done bug catching I am starting to get a cold and feel a wee bit miserable and sorry for myself. Oh well. At least the weather is nice. Got to hang some washing out!
dory. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. There's no way you should apologise. If anyone wants to be disrespectful to my boys, I wouldn't have anything to do with them either, though they'd have an earful/boot up the backside. Who the hell do they think they are? I feel angry and disgusted on your behalf. All we have of our angels in their memories and it's important to protect them. It's not like they can defend themselves. Good on you for being a mama lioness.
Gigi - that's exciting about getting your puppy. A pity you can't show pics or post more about her, but that's ok. You soon get to have puppy cuddles and have a small bundle with a waggy bum tripping over your feet
Sorry to hear about the digestion issues. I hope you can sort it out. I need to call a gastro person to look at mine, which I'm putting off. I have gluten intolerance and am worried about celiac.
With Spain - it's a tack on to our UK trip. DH's Dad live in Spain. We'll be seeing Andulucia, which I'm very excited about. I am trying to learn Spanish. I need to get a guide book so we can finalise accommodation and book the Alambra.
I want to plant more herbs and vegies in pots. I love picking my own herbs to cook with. I love the smell of jasmine - it always makes me smile. We gave people little pots of Alyssum at J's funeral and I have it growing in pots. It smells like honey.
S&S - I hope you're OK and not too stressed in the TWW. When do you find out?
hi to everyone else.
AFM. Just got off the phone in tears to Centrelink about the paid parent leave. I needed to check details and it was so painful. Can't have been pleasant for guy at the end of the phone, but he was taking so long and didn't know anything. I guess they dont deal with dead baby parents often.
At least I have the information so I can get the form filled out. I am slowly working through a big long To Do list, trying to tick off tasks everyday. I had a good day out yesterday - even went shopping. I haven't bought new clothes in ages, so that was nice, though the mummy tummy is depressing. I'm trying to work on that too. I've started a Couch to 5K program and signed up for weekly pilates. I'm off to Medicare soon. So much excitement.
I've been charting and watched my temps take a dive at 9dpo. I was sure AF would arrive. I'm concerned about luteal phase defect though acupuncture man says not to worry. AF still hasnt arrived, so maybe I might scrape through to a 'normal' LP this time. Anything over 12 days would be a bonus. Over the last few years I've watched it get shorter & shorter. I was on progesterone with L & J but dont want to take anything in future pregnancies, so i need my body to get better.
We had a meeting with the OB - she was really lovely and has agreed to do shared care with our IM, so I feel better about that. Still hate the idea of another hospital birth, but I've decided I want access to a paediatrician, so that's the plan. Unless we manage to have a healthy, living child who arrives at home before I have time to work out what's going on. One of those "cross that bridge when we get there" things really. I don't know if I can believe we ever get to have a take home baby. I hope so, but I can't believe it.
Tash- Argh...i needed a year longer to deal with centrelink at the time. Man that was hard. Good on you for braving it. So hard to deal with when you are just a number, not their fault and I am sure you are right, they wouldn't get too many dead baby parents...
I love jasmine too...hope to open the door to the courtyard and smell a beautiful aroma...one day soon.
I hope you get to one day soon take home your bub love, i really do. That is good for the ob to work with your IM..nice. Best of both worlds and hopefully they will mesh nicely togehter to give you the complete care you need. Your accupuncturist...sound on the money....saying 'not to worry. Love the calmness that can give you as we can sometimes (well i do) run with the thoughts in our head which can take us so far from reality at times.
You are sounding a little better for now hun, hope you are doing ok anyway. xoxo
Dores- Oh babe, I am so sorry it has been tough. No you should not apologise in my opinion. Adult relationships require people taking responsibility for their own actions and meeting people half way. I don't think you have done anything to apologise for. That is not on love. I am sure your Nan was a star, but a different lifetime and different way of dealing with things. We have had many a revolution since then. In my opinion that is being a bully to say such things. It is not right to push your opinions on someone to make them feel manipulated and vulnerable...especially on such an important subject as your children. And to compare you to your Nan, that is just cheeky and really inapropriate. Makes me a bit cranky really! I am sorry you have had to deal with this love...and I am more sorry i have not checked on you. I have been wallowing in my own rubbish lately. Not a very good friend... I do think of you and I am looking forward to catching up soon. xoxoxoox Sending you a huge hug love and see you soon. xoxo
AFM- I believe i just ov'd in the car on my way home..LOL! CD12 (so a little early) and sharp twang of a feeling as it sometimes is. Not a lot of prep has been made but we will certainly have given it our best shot this month. Anyway, EWM on the go and skin is doing ok.
Go to go and get ready for yoga...then a night in sewing. I have big red velvet/valour xmas sacks to do for each of the boys and then 2 more super hero capes, the earlier one was a hit. The eldest has asked me so nicely...how could i refuse. xoxo
Got to go and watch my baby gates on ebay ...i hope i win them for a steal!
Just wanted to say Hi - I am have pretty busy lately and am sick with some sort of cold again, so haven't been posting. I will catch up soon. I also seemed to have not been getting notifications from when my status changed from being a mod to not being a mod. Anyway, hopefully that's all sorted.
Gi - thinking of you. Can't wait to catch up on all your goings on.
I also wanted to let you know, for those of you who know Blessed at Last, she has recently given birth to her little man - a wee 25 weeker. They both need all the love and strength we can send.
Hey Dores...thanks for passing that on. I had no idea. I have not been on BB for about 10 days. Can't stay long now either and can't write about it here. Nothing i want to keep from you girls i just have to keep it from socail medai altogether. Finding it tough not to be able to talk about it all though.
Hi Ladies,
Having a weird day here. Can't seem to get myself together. It's raining inside (me) and outside (the weather). I am in Beta fright-- the numbers were rising last time we checked but I need to make it to the ultrasound in two weeks for a viable pregnancy and heartbeat. It's so difficult-- trying not to worry, making a space for the whole mystery thing, and trusting that whatever happens, happens. Spent some of the morning ironing. It brings some relief.
Blessed and babe: you are not forgotten; holding you in prayer!
lost my first baby at 16 and a half weeks in July 2012 and was devastated, i have found it very difficult to deal with. I also had an ectopic pregnancy at 7 weeks in December 2012 which caused me to have emergency surgery and lost a tube, it makes it so hard knowing that my first born son would have originally been born about 10th December 2012, i am now off work trying to deal with my grief as i work in day care with babies and wishing i was at home with my son to look after, i am thinking of changing my career as it makes it harder to go to work plus hearing of work mates new pregnancies and a sister in law also due in July. I am struggling and don't know how to cope with much more, i am now waiting on my appointment next week to find out if the other tube needs to be removed, I'm just very anxious and want to get on and try again but cant stand all this waiting, i guess i am just anxious to be pregnant and hopefully happy again although the next pregnancy will be harder and will feel scared with every doctors appointment hoping everything will be ok.
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