Babe, i was so similar. I thought my 'mothers instinct' was completely **** too. I thought, how on earth can i be so healthy and this happen. How could we want and desire this so much and it all go wrong. We both put so much energy into being healthy and we could not have loved our baby more...why was she taken and HOW did i not know things were going wrong???
I comfort myself with believing that i was not meant to know until i did. I would not have enjoyed the pregnancy with DD as I did and maybe it would have ended if i had known earlier...not by my choice, but maybe the advice given to us would have been different and maybe we have had different choices to make. I believe that DD knew it was important for me to give birth to her, to know that she was a girl, to have felt her move, to be home in AUs for her birth...to spend time with her, loving her, loving my pregnancy and believing in life again, having hope in all things....just a little bit longer until I lost it al again.

I don't think it is a kid's question...but we all have our inner child at times like this asking exactly that. We are taken back to raw, honest, niave, innocent questions and no answer seems to ever be good enough. There is no reason good enough as to why we lost our babies.

All of your words ring true to me. A life not lived, is not fair. I don't want the privilege of being a 'special parent' with the ashes of my child in my bed, by my pillow while others lives seem to move along a much lighter journey. It is not fair.
I will say this....you have plenty of time down the track to be happy for your friends. Now may not be the time, now is time for you and your boys. If they were alive you would be spending time on them with not a lot of time for others. I suggest you take the same for now. You can be happy for others but for now, it is important to be sad for you. You have a lot to be sad about. Enjoy your walk love, and your shower and just let your tears fall. Sunglasses might be handy. The heart wrenching hell of grieving for your boys will ease over time as you find ways to integrate them into your life. It takes times as you know, it is not the norm.

Here if you need anything love. Come in as often as you need to and vent what ever raw emotion comes to mind....if you need to be more graphic, feel free to PM me. I often swore my head off with anger...still don on occasions. Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug. xoxoxo