<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=blue size=4>Hello out there beautiful ladies!!!!!!</FONT></P>
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<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=darkslateblue size=3>Hi everyone, i am back in action!! I had a little relapse of depression around the 18th..... Zahra would have been 8 months old. <IMG alt=0 src="https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums/images/smilies/sad.gif" border=0 smilieid="106"> So i had the week off work, which means no belly belly. My boss is looking into this thing where she can buy me a lap top and take the money out of my salary before tax or something... she knows how important this all is (comp = belly belly.... belly belly = sane katti) , so she is looking into it. As usual, i have lots to say, so take a seat and relax, or skip down until im done...</FONT></P>
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<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=red>First things first, the witch dropped by as scheduled with my original cycle, so my mid month bleed is nothing anymore... my cycle seems spot on. I saw my dr for the results of my u/s, my uteris is completely normal!!!! First 100% normal u/s i have ever had!! Pity there was no normal baby in there, but its a start. My body has already started allowing eggs through (after only 1 week off the pill) i had 8 eggs in one tube and 7 in the other. A good sign. I had a good chat with my dr. i will only be seeing him for the intitial appts. then i will have an early referel to an ob on the gold coast. I will be going to Southport hospital. My dr and i have decided i will be booked in for a c section. For a few reasons... i have already had one, so the risk is there "apparently" for the scar to break open during labour. I dont care how slim the chances are, i aint taking that risk!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus i will have the reassurance of a date i will be booked in.. (early to avoid labour coming on) and so it won't be a one hour drive while i am in labour! I had a good talk with my doc. he is really caring, he has seen me through all my losses and he understands why i have to try again and what precautions i will want to take.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=#ff0000>So physically i am fine and i have the all clear to try AGAIN ( lucky we already started!!)</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=#ff0000> <FONT color=black>Mentally and emotionally i have been having a bit of trouble. It really hit me last week how much i miss Zahra. My arms feel so empty with out her. Some days i just cant stop crying. I wake up and shes the first thing i think about, and that she isn't here. If i try to hold the tears back i cant function and if i start to let them out, they just dont stop. I am so lucky with work.. last monday i was having one of the mornings when i couldn't stop crying. (well it had been going on all weekend) I ended up trying to go to work and my boss took one look at me and said, you dont need to be here, go home come back when you can. So i spent the week being sad and shane and i lit our candles and looked through our precious mementos and remembered her for a bit. I admire Shane, he seems like he has reached a point where he can think of her watching over us and be happy with that. He knows he cant change what happened and he has accepted it. He takes her with him in his heart everywhere. I am still at the stage where if i think of her too much , i get this hollow feeling in my belly and this emptiness in my arms and i just cry. I still have this feeling that when i get pregnant again it will be with the spirit of one of my angel babies. Is it wrong to want that? i have had a few tarot readings before i ever tried to have babies and one lady said i would have trouble but that eventually i will have a boy and a girl, another lady said i would have twins, a boy and a girl but i would loose one. Then i recently had a tarot reading and the lady said i have two baby spirits around me, a boy and a girl and they are waiting to come to me. She said my mis carrage was a different spirit who has chosen another path. i am abit of a hippie alternative type who likes to beleive in things like this, especially when i had the first two readings before any trouble had happened. I really do want to believe that their spirits are up where ever they are preparing to be with me in life. But then if i beleive this, does that mean i am not acknowledging my angels? Sorry if this is offensive to anyone, but these are thoughts i have and i'd like to know if anyone else has these same sorts of thoughts. I feel like part of my healing will be to actually have a baby. I know it isn;t going to make everything perfect, but im hoping it will end this empty feeling i have where a child should be, and then maybe i can greive differently for my angels. </FONT></FONT></P>
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<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=#000000>Ok one more big bit*h then i am out of here... MY FAMILY SUX </FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=#000000>DH and i dont really mesh well with my side of the family, before our trouble and after. Especially after. I have mentioned before our little rift with my sister at her bday party,(In April we went to bris for dinner, were surrounded by babies and hasseled for not holding them, we disapeared into the bar and watched some football and missed the bday cake, we got into trouble and my husband made a comment that no one cared enough to see how we were and to even came to tell us the cake was on and that offeneded my sisters FIL, turned into a huge fight) Well now as her new baby is due around xmas she had decided to have christmas at her house, and my DH isn;t invited. He is no longer welcome in her home because he offended her FIL. EVER. In one breath my sister tells me its terrible what has happened and im sure it takes its toll on us, but it is no excuse for our behaviour that night. We cant always play the victims. Why did we bother driving 2 hours to go watch football? WELL, in hind sight we probably shouldn't have gone. I wasn't expecting so many babies to be there ( friends of my sisters ) and we just got a shock when we walked in, 2 new borns, 2 toddlers, 5 older kids, prams everywhere, and then dinner time came and my dad had the nerve to look around to me and say "It's nice to be able to just sit here and enjoy my meal and not have to worry about feeding kids first like all of them" That was it for me. And we are being blamed because we found it uncomfortable to be there and no one could understand why. Well Shane tried to call and apologise and see if there was anything he could do to repair the damage and he was shot down. He offended the FIL and that is that. None of the other member is my family are sticking up for us, So i have decided i cant be bothered with them at all. I am not telling them i am trying again, i am not telling them when i get pregnant, i might not even tell them when i have had a baby. They cant respect the position we are in and the effect it has on our lives so why should i bother? Its not like i enjoy spending time with them anyway. </FONT></P>
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<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=#000000>I think ive broken my long post record!! i've been going for hours!! I think i get abit carried away, i apologise, i just cant stop once i start.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Century Gothic" color=#000000>It seems like a few of us are nearly on the same time of cycles. I am just saying goodbye to the witch and heading for ovulation. Goodluck to everyone trying! Sorry for no personals, but i'd be here for another 2 hours!!! I hope everyone is doing well. Take care all, goodnight!</FONT></P>
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i'm back!!!!!
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