howdy everyone.
Jo, yes, you have the right to be upset and your dh has the right to falter a step too. it is so difficult to imagine a positive future sometimes, and guilt is a constant companion. i am glad he is feeling more positive now.
Lynn, i agree, i always knew intellectually that life is so difficult, i guess i didn't think it would be so especially difficult for me. that guilt thing is a nasty thing, isn't it? i have the same feelings about Yeti, that i could have done something to save him, shouldn't i have known he was in distress. but i try to meditate on my total lack of control to try to counter it. i'm doing okay right now, which is good.
Starbright- i like your new pen name, and hope you still feel safe sharing here!
Laura- what beautiful names for your little girls. it is so painful to give up one's hopes for the future when one has spent so many months planning for nothing else. you are right, time is the only healer we can count on, but it just goes so slowly now. i hope you do get that lovely warm feeling back inside you, and that you will hold some of your babies in your arms rather than only in your heart. and i am sure your pain is no less because your girls were born at 21 weeks, they are your daughters no matter their age and your hopes of your future with them is just as broken. you are exhibiting just as much strength as anyone else by living through your pain and trying to make it through to a better day. hugs to you.

as for me, i'm doing okay today. just trying to make it to next week without seeing af. but also trying not to get my hopes up. hah. we are going on a week-long backpacking trip starting tomorrow, so i'll be away from belly belly for a whole week. yikes! i have become addicted to the support and understanding here on a daily basis, but i'll be too tired anyway. we thought this would be a good way to avoid me taking a hpt too early again. nothing like being deep in the woods to make me step outside of my own head. some of my family is coming along, so we should have some fun. i'll be thinking of you all and sending good thoughts for all of you. xxoom