TTC after Stillbirth/ Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after the First Trimester May 07
If you have found yourself in this forum you no doubt have had a painful journey. TTC after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth or Late Loss takes special courage and support. The aim of this forum is to provide a place where women who have endured loss can share their stories, friendships, treatments and triumphs!
My greatest wish is that you all leave this forum with nice big fat positives in the shortest possible time!!!
I hope so much that this month is YOUR month for a
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Tommysmum: I loved your post. It is so very true that we just don't often get it as humans until we have experienced the pain. The gift that this unthinkable tragedy does give us is an awarenes and understanding of grief. The reality of how fragile this life is and how we need to sieze the moment and live a life that is loving.
Again, your post was beautiful - thankyou for sharing... How are you going? How many weeks are you now? You will have to get a ticker so we can all keep track!
I am a bit snookered today - had a big one we have been down to the coast for DS footy and then to the beach for a swim and fish and chips.
i will pop back tomorrow.
Special thoughts and a very big hug and a cyber cuppa for you Spring...
Tommysmum - So true everything you said in your last post. You just don't realise what people must be going through until you are faced with it yourself. Last night DH and I had a massive cry and a talk....finally. And I said, which even shocked me, that if I had to choose between losing Asha the way we did or not having her at all and being none the wiser, I will still choose to have had her and go through this. not only because of what she has taught me about what is really important in life, but because I just love her so much, and I can't imagine not having her in my life, even as painful as it is. I hope that makes sense. My aunt lost a baby at 17 weeks about 20 year ago, and after we lost Asha, mum said she just didn't realise all thise years ago just what my aunt must have been going through.
Spring - I think that like you, I sort of felt that I had everything perfect. Sometimes I still say to DH "This didnt really happen to us did it?" Woo, hubby home for good soon!
Tommysmum - just beautiful. I have tears running down my cheeks.
Bailey - I agree. While I wish Cooper was here, I would rather this than to never have known him at all.
I wondered (once) would it have been easier to lose Cooper earlier on in my pregnancy. I have never wondered it again because if I had, I would never have met my little boy and enjoy his company for the special 9 months that I had with him. I am grateful for the time that I was given with him and while I wish it was for longer at least I had some time. My heart goes out to you special women that don't get to see, feel or hold your babies.
I have had a very difficult weekend but it is nice to come in here and talk about our angels and remember them in the special way that we can.
Spring - I have been thinking of you today and hoping you are doing ok. I agree with you about next Sunday, I am absolutely dreading it - DH and I are going to do something nice together but I think it is going to be a really tough day. At least we will all be going through the same feelings on the day, I think it helps just to know you girls are there through it all. Sorry DH had to go back, 33 sleeps will fly by - as is your ticker, everytime I look at it I cant believe it.
Lynn - I am so sorry you have had a tough weekend. Did you have a nice time at the ball or was it really hard? The amount of money you said they raised is amazing! Hopefully they can save someone else in the future from going through what we all are. Big for you and I hope you are ok, if you need a chat let me know.
Bailey - I feel the same, as painful as everything is I would never give him back. I love him with all my heart and and very thankful for having the honour of meeting him and knowing him for all those months. Nothing will change the fact they are our babies and we just have to remember that they are as much ours as they were when we were lucky enough to have them in our tummies
Tommysmum - Spring is right, there is some kind of instant bond that is formed between women who have experienced the heartache we have - whether it be multiple losses or a stillbirth. I also feel so close to the women in this thread and honestly care about each and every one of you. I never imagined I could care about people I have not met in person but I really do, and I think it comes from the mutual understanding we have of each other. I cannot imagine how hard it was for the women generations ago who lost their babies and firstly they were just taken away as if they never existed but then on top of that from what I understand society had the attitude of forget about it and it goes away. I think society still has a long way to go in terms of their compassion and understanding of grieving mothers but compared to those days we are extremely lucky. I can understand why those women still cry for their babies 40 years or so afterwards, I can not imagine not crying for Nicholas, nor do I think I want to stop completely.
Deb - You sound like you have had a busy but nice day, you must be extra tired with your little bean zapping all of your energy - make sure you rest up and bub can have a snooze
Hi to everyone else, hope you have had a nice weekend.
Well my weekend was a tough one for a number of reasons. I had a bt on Saturday and the levels still aren't high enough to indicate ovulation is approaching. I am going back tomorrow. I just don't know what to do now. I feel like my body is not responding to this either.
On Saturday I also went to a symposium on Stillbirths by Professor Frederik Froen, Co-Chair of the International Stillbirth Alliance and has been conducting ground-breaking research into stillbirth for the past ten years. He works at the Norwegian Institute of Public Health, is a medical doctor and has two PhDs - one in obstetrics and one in paediatrics. Professor Froen is an international expert on stillbirth and has received some awards for his work, mostly working on stillbirth prevention, stillbirth classification, stillbirth genetics and identification of risk of stillbirth through fetal activity and fetal growth. It was targeted for health professionals but parents were invited to attend as well. It is good to know that they want to mirror the work that they did on reducing SIDS to reducing Stillbirths. There were people there from the Stillbirth Foundation and SIDS and Kids and everyone is keen to see Stillbirths get alot more public awareness and hopefully funding to help with the research into reducing Stillbirths. The hard part was when I asked one of the speakers where cord accidents fit into stillbirth classifications. They said that it didn't have its own classification because it is just so rare. I don't know if it makes it any easier hearing this. I guess if a cord accident is so rare then the chances of it happening again is so slim. But I just find it hard to understand that if it is so rare HOW THE HELL DID IT HAPPEN TO ME!!!!
After the symposium I went home and got ready for the Stillbirth Foundation Ball. I had 19 wonderful family and friends that attended the ball with me in support and in loving memory of Cooper. The target was to raise $100,000 and by the end of the night they reached it, which is great. Professor Frederik Froen was there are gave a speech but the hard part was when he said that while we sit here in this room, someone in Sydney is preparing to give birth to a still baby. It just broke my heart and instantly I had images in my head of when I was preparing to give birth to Cooper. I just couldn't believe that it was going to happen to someone else. While it was a hard night, we did also enjoy ourselves, there were a number of auctions and prizes and alot of family and friends won them. We have decided that we are going to make it a yearly event. There was a beautiful quote on the night and I wanted to share it with you all:
You were loved from the beginning
And we will love you until our end.
There were also some interesting statistics that were displayed on the night (deaths in Australia 2004).
2,761 men died from prostate cancer
2,661 adults died from breast cancer 1,374 babies were stillborn
1,209 people died from skin melanoma
851 women died from ovarian cancer
59 babies died from SIDS
While all the deaths are a tragedy, what I don't understand is how all these deaths, except Stillbirths, receives funding and public awareness. The government has just launched a vaccine for women (free to schoolgirls and women up to 26) for ovarian cancer, (which is great) but when you look at how many Stillbirths there were why aren't we doing anything to change these numbers. I am sorry if this is too much for some people but I am just so passionate about the Stillbirth cause because if I can save one family from going through this, then that is enough for me.
Bailey - Asha - Happy 6th month birthday
Mel – Nicholas Happy 8th month birthday
Spring - Harrison – Happy 7th month birthday
I was thinking of each and every one of you on the weekend, I hope it was the best it could be.
Tommysmum, I was actually thinking something similar on the weekend, we had a tiler come to finish our kitchen, just as we were leaving he came up to me and said a few words along the lines of sorry to hear of your loss, he then went on to say that his wife lost a daughter just prior to birth 18 years ago and that they were just about to celebrate her 18th birthday. He told me how much it changed his life. Since Phoebe left us I'd often think that you know its almost as if nothing has changed, but so much has in such a short time, I wouldn't give any of it back.
A few peoples words keep coming back to me that I wanted to share because they relate to all of us:
a lady at work came up to me crying and said I can't even imagine how much you are hurting but I truly believe this was your way of meeting your angel.
My family keep saying to me, its like a lifetime has passed since this happened, now I think yeah it has, Phoebe's and all our angels'.
I just wanted to share that, you ladies are so beautiful and the strength and compassion you show should be a lesson for everyone.
Lynn... My love :hugs: it sounds like it's been a huge weekend. What a wonderful thing to do to go to that ball - for friends to come and support you and your DH and Cooper.
I am sorry that your BT's weren't a bit higher. What have they done? Increased your doseage again? What size and how many follies were there? Sorry for all the questions...
Just know I am thinking of you so much and I wish I could come and give you a hug in person... :hugs:
Tommysmum: Yay on the ticker! I nearly chose that one too - simply for the home at the end! I am glad you have got one - we just need to believe in the joy of these pregnancies and TRUST that we will have an Earth Baby...
Mel: You do sound so much better. I am glad the pasties went well! What cd are you up to now? It must be nearing BD time for you soon...
Well, it is really cool and wet here today and I am feeling a bit icky so I am going to turn on the cooking show and do the ironing! Sounds like fun eh!
Lynn- sorry the results were not as good as you hoped. I hope you are doing okay.
The seminar sounded very informative (will discuss more on an email) and so wonderful to hear the money was raised at the ball. Maybe the bb ladies, should start campaigning to get the government funding so dearly needed for this research.
Mel – will see you there tomorrow night, DP is coming too. I will keep an eye out for you, I have an idea of what you look like from Nicholas's page, a beautiful boy might I say.
Lynn - I am sorry to hear about your BT results. Fingers crossed that they improve by tomorrows test. I was thinking about going to the Symposium on saturday, but I chickened out, same as with the ball, I think maybe because it was Asha's aniversary, I was feeling abit sooky. I wasn't sure if I could cope, but I do wish now that I went to the ball. It is fantastic that you had so many friends and family turn up though.
Tommysmum - I hope DD is doing better. It must be hard when you are having MS too. I watched that on BB too. It looked like they were not going to ask her about it at all for a while, I was sitting here fuming. Then they did and I just felt so sad for her. I am sure all the womens mags will be making a mad dash for her now.
Klee - Thanks for thinking of us on the weekend, it really helps to know that everyone is here for support.
Flowerchild - Do you ever stop? I have no idea how you find the time to visit us here, you always sound so busy you should be having a rest!
Hope everyone is well
I have an OPK question for the serial testers, I have been doing OPK's for 5 days and today the test line took almost 5 minutes to appear and it was pretty dark, but not as dark as the control. I can;t find the instructions, but I think I remember them saying that the line needs to be as dark or darker than the control. Is thet right?? They are the Ovunow ones from the Fertility Natropath site. I just can't remember. I have no idea where I am at this month, as my cycles are haywire, so I am just trying to do lot's of BD'ing and crossing my fingers.
Thank Deb. Don't apologise for all the questions. I know you are only asking because you want to help............and I truely appreciate you for that
Today is CD20. The bt on Saturday was CD18 and my est was 298 compared to 205 on CD15. I am going back tomorrow but only for a bt. They want my levels to increase before they do another u/s. I had an u/s on CD15 and there was a follie there that was 11mm and then a few under 10. I am currently on 75 dose which I increased on CD15. I thought my levels would have gone up with the increase in dose. Maybe tomorrow they will They don't want to increase the dose too much incase they over-stimulate and then they will cancel the cycle. I don't know what I will do tomorrow when I get the results because everytime they ring me and the levels haven't gone up, I lose a little bit more faith and trust. I am just find it hard to stay positive at the moment when all I get is bad news
Klee - thank you :hugs:
Bailey - yes the line needs to be as dark or darker. Fingers crossed you get a really dark one soon. Just keep up the bedding!!! I understand that Saturday would have been a hard day for you. It would have been great to have you there on Saturday, but there is always next year.
Lynn, There is nothing that I can say to take away the sadness, frustration, confusion and anger you must be feeling about your results. All I can say is I'm sorry. I wish so badly that tomorrow brings some good news.
You sound like you had an emotionally charged night on Saturday. I like Bailey chickened out so I really admire that you had the strength to go. The statistics in your post sent a shiver down my spine. Seeing that there is that many stillbirths compared to other deaths is shocking!!!. I know that you want to do as much as you can to help other people at the moment, but as a friend I also want to make sure that you are not investing too much into this just yet, and are taking care of number 1... You. You have such a caring and giving nature that I know you just want to help so much, but as I said you are the #1 honey, so just remember that you come first.
Bailey: Yep, as Lynn said, the test line has to be as dark or darker than the control line. The good news is though, that with my tests, I found that they just seemed to get darker over the days so if you have a line which is almost as dark as the control line, then I think you should get a +ive over the next few days. Keep DTD and you are sure to catch that eggie.
Flowerchild: Sorry to hear that you are feeling icky but symptoms are such a great thing. I hope you had a nice cool rainy day, just what you need by the sounds of it but make sure you get some rest girl, the ironing can wait.
Klee: Thanks for thinking of Harry and I over the weekend. It is true what you say about this path shows us different sides of people, some bad and some good. As soon as people find out some tend to open up to you like the tiler. Our angels are with us forever, what a lovely thought.
Well I'm off to pay my dogs some attention because they are getting very cranky at my lack of play-time. They keep bringing toys to me to try to pry me away for the computer.
Hi
Just wanted to say congratulations tommysmum - I just noticed your ticker.
Lynn - I am impressed that you managed to go to the ball, I don't think I would be strong enough to go there. Can I ask you a question? Were the statistics for stillborn babies inclusive of those delivered preterm? (I.e. those that only died as a result of being born too early rather than before birth.) I am asking as I lost Thomas because I went into preterm labour and I do not seem to be able to find any statistics as to how often this happens and a repeat event in subsequent pregnancies.
Please feel free to ignore my question if you do not know or it is too sensitive a subject.
Tess - I hope someone can give you some info, it drives you crazy trying to do research and coming up empty handed. I was wondering if it would be worth asking your OB or someone about stats?
Lynn - I am so sorry your results are on the go slow, but I think we should all remain extremely positive and I will keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow You should be really proud of yourself for doing all that you did with the Stillbirth Foundation on the weekend. Those stats are really sad arent they, little babies deserve so much better than that I am glad you managed to have a nice night though.
Spring - LOL at your dogs getting cranky, I can just imagine it - I have heard them give you grief when you are on the phone
Tommysmum - We were extremely fortunate with the ideas people gave us to remember Nicholas. The hand and foot moulds were something recommended to us by Tobin Brothers and it is probably my most treasured possession (apart from his urn). I dont think you should regret the things you dont have, you have the memories in your head and they can never be lost. Memories are much more valuable than material things. I wouldnt trade my memories of Nicholas for anything. As painful as they can be, they are also what makes me remember that this is not a dream and he really was my baby. I hope Emily is feeling better, poor little princess.
Deb - Hope you are feeling well, and bub is going along great. I am up to CD10 now so the time is close. To be honest it has hit me this month that I get so upset about not being UTD and then by the time I know it, it comes around again, so I dont know why I get so upset. Not that it will make any difference, I will still be a mess next time. Although a week after I O I am going to Brisbane to visit a friend and we are going to stay in Caloundra for a couple of nights so I am really just focusing on that now and I cant wait! Hopefully that will keep my eggies distracted so we can trap them and get them UTD without them knowing LOL
Bailey - I remember something that Spring said to me early on in our TTC journey (cause we kind of started at the same time) which was that apparently to successfully get UTD you have a high change of getting it right if you just have sex every couple of days throughout the whole month. And look at her, she is over 20 weeks now! As for the OPKs they really drive me nuts so I am not one to advise. DH and I this month are just DTD every second day and if we do it that way it luckily happens to fall on CD14 whoohoo LOL
Sarah - Nice to see you again, I am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time and I wish you so much luck for TTC this month. Make sure you remember we are all hear for you when you are upset, even if it is just an avenue to get your thoughts written down and out of your head.
Klee - So looking forward to meeting you tomorrow night... bit nervous bout what to expect at the meeting but it will definitely be nice to talk to you face to face.
Well a few of you have commented that I seem to be alot better...
I outed myself in another thread so now feel that I should do so here because I dont want any of you to read it somewhere else first but basically the reason I am doing better is because I am on anti-depressants. I was on them a few weeks ago (not sure if you noticed the very sudden "up" I had) and my OB told me he didnt want me to take them because of TTC so I weaned off and went downhill again. So last Monday spoke to him and said I felt like I was worse than I have ever been and he recommended an anti-depressant that he believes is safe for pregnancy and b/f (my GP gave me the other ones without my OB knowing). So they have started to kick in and I am feeling a little better. Basically, I have been diagnosed with delayed post natal depression which I have let go too far, and its gonna take some work to get on top of. I guess I didnt tell everyone because I didnt want everyone to judge me and I feel like a bit of a failure that I couldnt do it on my own. Everyone else seems to be able to do it on their own and I guess I just didnt want everyone to think less of me. But you all know now and I feel alot better cause now I can talk about it openly. I have to admit I was wondering if they were working this time but considering your comments about me being better I guess they are huh?
Anyway, like I said I consider you all to be my friends and didnt want you to read it in the other thread when I hadnt told you about it.
Just a quickie for Mel - I'll pop back to do a catch up when the schoolies have left me in (relative) peace!!
Mel, I feel I didn't go through anything like you have been through but I think I was pretty close to having some sort of depression (my DH would say nearer than close!) and I was borderline going to ask for some help when the fog started lifting. I think admitting I was in trouble was half way to doing something about it and that is what you have done twice now. There is no element of failure about it - and you are wrong, not every one can do it on there own, it just seems like it when you are the one asking for help - part of the problem I suppose!
Nobody in their right minds would EVER think less of you Mel
Mel - I am sure I can speak for everyone when I say that no-one here would ever judge you. If anything, I think you are very brave for not only seeking the help you need but to come on and tell us all about it. There is nothing wrong with using what ever methods you need to use to get through this. I think you are a very brave woman and we are all here to help eachother get through this.
Take care.
Kel
TTC after Stillbirth/ Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after the First Trimester May 07
and crossing my fingers.
They don't want to increase the dose too much incase they over-stimulate and then they will cancel the cycle. I don't know what I will do tomorrow when I get the results because everytime they ring me and the levels haven't gone up, I lose a little bit more faith and trust. I am just find it hard to stay positive at the moment when all I get is bad news 
You should be really proud of yourself for doing all that you did with the Stillbirth Foundation on the weekend. Those stats are really sad arent they, little babies deserve so much better than that 
I am glad you managed to have a nice night though.
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