I had a few friends make me meals in the early weeks which was really nice but what I really remember was my sister making me meals in the last couple of months of my pregnancy. I was so horribly tired and uncomfortable I could barely function and I used to stop by her place after my OB visits as she was close to his office. She would always be making me a meal to take home with me. Honestly, after a day when I'd had to drive to the OB (which sapped all my energy!) coming home and not having to cook dinner was WONDERFUL.
In the first couple of weeks after the babies were born, I coped pretty well - you know, they sleep all the time and DH was home from work. Once they hit about 6 weeks it got really tough and THAT's when I could have used some meals etc. Or what i would have loved is someone to drop by and just put the babies in the pram and go for a walk to the park or something so I could have a rest or do something OTHER than look after babies!
Also, if you're going to go round to help, don't go there and say 'is there anything I can do' because all of us just say 'oh no, I'm fine, thanks' go in, look around and say 'does the floor need a vacuum, where's the vacuum cleaner' or 'shall I clean the bathroom for you' or whatever it is you want to do.
Well, looks like a change of plans ... and i don't want to sound cruel saying this as we are not ' close ' friends ' as such, she is someone i have known since my DD was 4mths old & her & my DD adore each other but i have found since she has been pregnant she doesn't seem to want my help in anyway ... i have had health issues since last December and when i went in for surgery this January she didn't even bother to ring me before going in to hospital let alone ask me anything when i came home to recover like as if nothing happened ... and since my OP she hasn't asked me not once how i am cause i have told her i have had complications since the surgery and am going to have my 3rd lot of blood tests this week and hopefully find the GP will find more answers next Wed when i get the results.
I find whenever i ring her now she doesn't want to hear anything about me yet i have to listen to every single detail about her pregnancy (which she whinges about alot, keeping in mind she was the one who decided to put two eggs in with IVF and it was her second go within months, so she took that chance of being pregnant with twins ... and she very well knows DP & I have been trying TTC #2 bub for 3years and she know we can no longer have another child) ... she doesn't stop to think about the details she tells me like for example when her DD (who is same as my DD) when they go out shopping and hear babies crying how she & her DD talk about them have ' babies ' in their house soon and how wonderful it will be. Then she asks me if i think that's lovely and i do at first but then i can't escape the thought that i will NEVER have that conversation with my own DD as we are no longer able to have another child. And when ever i visit (which i hardly do now) the entire visit is talking about what she has bought for the nursery, and she has to show me everything and then she whinges the whole time about being pregnant. Every 5mins she is rubbing her pregnant belly looking at me.
I don't want her & her DH to be walking on egg shells with my DP & but at least hold back with some things, if anything i'm actually happy she feels she can share the joy with us but at times it starts to weigh very heavy on our hearts listening to every detail at every visit or if we run into them or if we talk on the phone.
I know it's not just me as my DP recently said he feels even he can't go visit them until the babies are born as it's getting to him. He like me said of course the conversation of the twins is to be spoken about and we wouldn't want it to be any other way and we are so darn happy for them as we know the emotional pain we have been through in trying for another baby. But it becomes far too much for my DP & i when clearly her & her DH are clearly not bothering to think about our situation and how sensitive some topics can be ... they just don't seem to care about how we feel let alone truly care about our situation. We were there for them every step of the way with their two attempts of IVF but they have never asked us once how we are with our own 3year TTC journey which has sadly come to an end and they KNOW that.
So ladies i hope i don't sound insensitive or harsh in any way, i just know DP & i could never do what they are doing to another couple in our situation ... in fact i know that cause when i was pregnant with our DD we were around our SIL who didn't know if she could have children and we never spoke about my pregnancy, i sat with my pregnant belly talking about other subjects, as we didn't want to appear to glot or hurt her in anyway.
Anyway, on that note ladies ... the most i will do is give her some meals to freeze after the babies are born and always offer to babysit her DD when need be ... i think that's still helping her ... and keep my eye out in OP shops for anything she say's she short of in baby clothing etc ... DO YOU LADIES THINK THAT'S OK & ENOUGH TO HELP HER ???
Thanks again ladies for all your help & in put, hope you can put yourselves in my shoes and understand where i am coming from with this post.
Hugs hun I understand how you feel. I know its not all about money, but I had friends who I spent a fortune on when they had bubs who hardley even asked how I was etc when DS1 was born consequently not friends now.
You do what feels ok for you, if you don't want to do meals etc dont.
Its very rude to always talk about ones self and never ask how others are doing especially when people have had issues themselves.
that's the thing feeb the money for IVF they inherited from his Father passing just before they started it ... i get the feeling they think having gone through IVF twice and having to go through all that physically is harder than us NOT having a child at all.
Infact my DP bought it to my attention the amount of needles & blood tests & medication let alone surgery i have been through in 3years adds up to probably more the two rounds of IVF if i was gonna look at it that way. Oh god i sound dreadful in saying it but it's true.
and thank you so much Feeb for making me not feel guilty if i don't feel i can help at times as at the end of the day they haven't ever helped us so i shouldn't worry too much about that but at the same time i just want her to know i am here if she feels she does need to ask for help. I've even offered to babysit her DD heaps recently before babies are here so her & her DH can spend some time together for now.
Sadly i have never felt comfortable around her but her DH is just the most wonderful bloke and being in a town even if it is big it's hard to escape people here as i did more than a year ago try to end the friendship (if you can call it that) by not contacting her but she was persistant and she kept leaving me messages i could see she got upset at the thought of something ending between us so therefore i couldn't end it.
Wow - cooking and babysitting sounds like HEAPS of help to me, especially as you have your own family to take care of. Seriously please don't think any more thoughts of that not being enough.
Unfortunately some people are just more self centred than others and this person sounds very engrossed in her own experiences with little thought for your feelings etc - from all your posts you seem to be a very kind, thoughtful and caring person. It sounds really sensible to not over invest in a relationship that is so one sided (apologies if this sounds harsh but I felt quite upset for you after reading your update).
... oh thank you Mak your beautiful words gave me some tears but happy ones
and your comment is so very true, i'm never one to invest in a friendship that is one sided ... i keep contact with her more so cause her & my DD are sweet little best friends and that being in a town it is a very hard situation to avoid someone so it's actually easier to just know them but what i do now is i don't keep the contact as frequent but it's still there and both her & my lives have gotten busier which has worked out for me !! (heartfelt thanks again Mak, i feel better now hearing i'm doing 'enough ' ) xOx
Registered User
Pregnant with twins - New to BellyBelly
) xOx
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks