need your opinion??

[mummy2chloe]

ok girls i need you help, we have bought our wedding forward by 6 weeks, its now going to be the 1st of november, but i have been feeling very guilty lately as i keep thinking that the money that i am going to be spending on our wedding could be used for ivf, so this is where i need your opinion. do you think its rude of me to ask our guests to pay for there own meal?? i will pay for the bar so they wont have to worry about buying drinks or anything, but if i get them to pay for there food it will save me anywhere between $2000 - $3000 and then that money can go towards my ivf?? so do you think that this would be ok?? as i wont be having a wishing well or getting presents, this would be our present from them if they buy there own meals???

ok be honest let me know what you think??

i have been to 2 weddings now where we had to pay for our own meals, and i didnt mind, but i know some of my guests might not think the same way ( there old and like tradition)

also what do you think is a good amount to put on the bar?? there will be around 70/80 guests attending wedding ( i think) i was thinking around $2000 maybe $2500?? do you think thats ok or do you think maybe $3000 to be safe?? but then i think my god $3000 is alot of money just for people to drink and then wee out lol iukwim?? exspecially when dp doesnt drink and i probably wont be drinking much on the night anyway.

ok look forward to hear from you all

take care

[Lulu]

Honestly - I think it sucks a bit.

Have you already booked everything, do you have a dress etc.

My wedding cost me $6000, included church, $1200 dress, live band, decent alcohol, buffet AND a helicopter.

There are 8 million ways to shave your budget - I wouldn't start with the guests paying for their meals.

I have 800 million tips, and I hate cheap and nasty so pick my brains if you want.

[sneakysparkle]

I guess it depends on what sort of reception you want - if I had to pay for my meal at a really expensive place for a wedding I think I would be annoyed...
How about a ****tail reception instead? Not having a sit-down meal will definately cut costs, maybe you could also just put beer/wine/softdrink on the bar and people have to pay for their own spirits?
As lulu said, there are plenty of budgeting ideas!
Let us know what you have planned/booked so far and maybe we can be of more help

[Mrs P]

I have to agree - I would find it odd to be invited but asked to pay for my own meal. I've been to a lot of weddings and never encountered this.
If your budget is that tight, then perhaps go with the wishing well option, and in the invitations you can include a little card with a 'wishing well poem' but have something in it about how you will use the $ towards paying for the wedding???
It may not be appropriate, but if you felt comfortable enough you could mention that you want to save your $ for a much loved IVF bub???

Otherwise ****tail wedding would be the way to go for sure.

Remember that the *most* important thing here is that you are marrying your soulmate, and anyone who is special enough to share that memory with you should understand your financial position and should be content with whatever you provide!

[Arimeh]

I'm taking a different spin on it than everyone else, and I wouldn't be bothered if I had to pay for my own meal, I'm there to celebrate someone's love for another person, and if I have to cough up money for my belly to be full instead of on some useless gift that will probably be thrown in a spare cupboard and never used, I know which I would prefer. I think it depends what kind of people are mostly coming to your wedding. Just make sure if you want them to pay that you tell them before the day!! haha!! Good luck with whatever you decide anyway. Have a great day, and good luck with TTC :-)

[BeautifulMadness]

my wedding cost $4000 lol and appearently thats considered cheap lol

For my wedding i had a catered with meats salads etc cost me $400 or maybe a spit roast lmao

[Laranna]

I think I would be a bit annoyed to have to pay for my own meal at a wedding especially as I probably wouldn't be able to choose what I'm eating (assuming its like most weddings and is either a buffet or set menu).

I know you said you wouldn't be getting presents but I know I couldn't show up to a wedding without giving the bride and groom something. So even though that would be my own choice, I'd still be forking out $$ for a present and for the meal.

I wouldn't have a problem having to pay for my own drinks though. A lot of people don't drink so you might want to cover the dinner but have people pay for their own drinks instead?

As some others have said a ****tail event is a great idea.

[Pandora]

If it was me, on the prices you are quoting, I'd pay for the meals and skip the bar tab. People can buy their own drinks - not everyone will drink up big and it for most people it will probably work out cheaper for them.

[Ashlee]

I'd just pay for the food and make them pay for drinks. Food is more essential than alcohol, and most people don't mind buying that over their meal anyway.

I wouldn't mind being asked to pay for a meal, but would feel a little odd if drinks were payed for? And then what if the tab ran out, which it most certainly would (people take advantage of an open bar).

[*Ang*]

IMO opinion I dont like the idea of being invited to a wedding and being asked to pay for the meal, regardless of whether gifts are then expected or not. But mind you I am a bit of a traditionalist in some things.

I think use the $3000 to pay for the meal and get everyone to pay for their own drinks - maybe just provide juice and or soft drinks. Cause as Ashlee also said

And then what if the tab ran out, which it most certainly would (people take advantage of an open bar).

[mummy2chloe]

wow thanks for the replies everyone

you have all given me alot to think about and obviously its not the right thing to do with regards to getting them to pay for there own meal.

i dont know what i am going to do, we might just have to wait a year or so to get married, as we struggle to live just in everyday stuff and live from pay check to pay check, and thats where i thought if they could pay for there meal that would help us heaps as i have already cut corners like you wouldnt believe, everything to the bridesmaids dresses, to a dress that i dont even like but its cheap so i will get it, its a dress and its white so thats all that matters, borrowing a flower girls dress that is way to big for my little girl and we arent allowed to take it in. but not to worry if you think it is really horrible to pay for a meal then i really need to set another date in a yr or 2, but then i am still in the same boat just different date as the guilt of even spending $6000 on a wedding when it could be giving me a round of ivf, i was hopeing that i would be able to do both, get married in a nice tactful way and do ivf. if i had to pick which one to spend the $6000 or however much it cost's i would probably rather spend it on ivf

but thank you for you honest replies

take care

[bellelass]

Oh nooooo, I'll be straight with you here- I would be really insulted if asked to pay for my meal at a wedding.
Ask yourself how much of the stuff you're doing/buying for the wedding is because that's just what's done/what's expected, or is it because that's what you really want.

DH and I got married in August, we're both poor uni students but push came to shove (immigration) and there was no way I was going to leave him at an airport again so we got married. Admittedly, his parents footed the bill for almost everything, but there wasn't much of a bill anyway. We had a lovely, beautiful day with close friends and family and people had a great time (Im still hearing about it.)

I made my dress (don't know if you've got some sewing prowess or not, but its not that hard, esp with help from a savvy friend/relative), it was an ivory silk full skirted 1950's style, I got so many compliments on it. Cost me around $120 for supplies, was so pretty, exactly what I wanted, and completely unique. I also made my own veil, I can dig up some websites if you like. That alone will save you quite a bundle, it literally takes half an hour to make a simple one. He wore a simple button down, breezy white shirt with black pants that he already had. Neither of us wore shoes.

We got married on a spectacular headland near his family home in northern nsw with around 60 people witnessing. It cost $40 to reserve the spot with the council, and was indescribably beautiful. We said our vows under an arch of pandanus.

His sister has a bit of a flair for photography, so after the ceremony she took all these pictures of us down on the shore playing in the surf and running around together like a pair of idiots. Those pictures are priceless, we just started playing and letting off steam and they turned out so well.

I didn't have any attendants, since all my girlfriends were in America and couldn't come. But aren't bridesmaids expected to buy their own gear?

The day before the wedding, DH and FIL cut a bunch of boganvillea boughs that were blooming and put them around the family home where we had the reception. The morning of the wedding, DH went out and cut me a gorgeous bouquet of gravelleas, jasmine, lavender, bouganvillea, some early roses, etc from the garden.

Dear MIL made a really tasty cake, it was a dark velvety chocolate with super smooth chocolate frosting. She trimmed it with a sprig of lavender and some strawberries.

The reception was at the family home, which is a beautiful farm in the countryside. We're lucky. His sister had her whole wedding there. A few Italian ladies, close friends of the family, came over and took the kitchen, spent the afternoon cooking lovely appetizers. Every so often another wave of them would go out, served by two sweet lovely older women friends. There was wave after wave of appetizers, all the long lazy afternoon. People grazed and by the time we cut cake, it was mostly uneaten because we were all so full. There was a sort of self-serve bar stocked with beer and good wine, FIL was more than happy to have an excuse to by heaps of wine and drink it. And Dh's godfather bought a good deal of it.

Our wedding was really low key, but really lovely. I know that a lot of that was luck, and thanks to friends and family with talent who were willing to lend a hand. But that's kind of my point, that you can have a lovely wedding and make use of what's available to you- time, talents, maybe a special location. People enjoy giving of their time, especially to such a good cause. I think somewhere in the whole wedding industry that makes its money off of overblown fairytale weddings that virtues like humility get lost and perhaps devalued, but I think there is absolutely no shame in being poor and humble and making the best of what you have to work with. I hope that make sense, and maybe helps you out a bit.

I'm really so tempted to offer to make you a flower girl's dress for supplies. Making little girl's dresses is such a joy to me. Like making living doll's clothes or something. You in B.bane?

[Erin_25]

I too was going to say I prob wouldn't like to pay for my meal, but would pay for drinks. I wouldnt put money on the bar if I couldn't afford it, many dont drink etc & so on.
But you sound a bit down & out about it all.....so do what you have to.
But here are just some other suggestions - what about garden wedding & then a fancy BBQ in a nice backyard (yours or relative), could you get nieces, nephews or cousins to waiter, get some fancy meat & ask some people very close to help out with salads??
Or a Morning Wedding followed by a brunch - this is something I've known people to do...the meal is cheaper.
Or what about just a very small ceremony with those who are closest to you & then lunch out afterwards & they all pay their own way & know that from the start.
****tail is a lot cheaper also & I've been to three weddings on a Friday as that day is also cheaper.
There are several ways you can cut cost, I think often we just get caught up in wanting the "big white wedding" with all the traditional things.
You do what ever you feel is right & works for you.

[blue_hebe]

Hi there,

It sounds like an incredibly stressful situation for you to be in. Perhaps there are other ideas, I wouldn't put your wedding off completely just yet

I agree with those that say if you're going to pay for something, pay for the food, not the drinks. You can completely disagree with the following ideas, but what about a picnic, or a pot-luck (everyone bring a dish of something), or an afternoon tea rather than a full meal? I've been to a couple of weddings where we had afternoon tea, not a meal. One of those weddings was for my cousin, and in the evening, members of the family went around to one of the Aunties/Uncles place for a meal. Both weddings were wonderful, memorable occasions

No doubt you feel like many of your dreams and ideas for your wedding are being shattered, and that's rather hard to take

*hugs* I'm sure there's a solution out there for you!

[Mollygirl]

HI
It sounds like what you were going to spend on drinks would cover the meals, so I agree with the others, skip the bar and pay for the meals. We had ours at a sports club and we didn't have to pay for room hire just a buffet lunch and the drinks were cheap anyway. My sisters paid for their own dresses and shoes etc.
I would also suggest a spit roast held in a community centre can be quite cheap, around 2k and then you can buy drinks yourself to control the cost or even BYO. That's if you don't have a backyard you could use/borrow.
Goodluck with it all, hope you don't give up yet and find a way for your special day.

[sneakysparkle]

Oh darl don't put your wedding off, I'm sure there are some ways to get you married and happy!!
I think the idea of paying for meals instead of drinks is a great idea!
I really hope you get to work this out
Feel free to pick our brains for other ideas!!!

[fionas]

OK, I'm not a traditionalist at all. My XH and I caught the Tube to our London wedding. I wore a black catsuit, he wore a jacket that he'd borrowed from his flatmate that morning. We went to an Italian restaurant and had warned everyone WELL beforehand that we were skint and we would be divvying up the bill. After that we went on a pub crawl around London and spent our first night of married life in his single bed.

So, not surprisingly, I would be COMPLETELY unphased if someone asked me to pay for my meal. I would probably think "good on them for being sensible and not spending a ridiculous amount of money."

But really, this IS about making a commitment to each other and celebrating your love. Personally, in your situation, I would consider eloping then have a party when you get back. Much less stress (apart from dealing with annoyed/nose out of joint relos).

[rosehannah]

I don't mind paying for the meal but I do agree that the money may be better spent on the food rather then drink. The only problem that I can see with asking the guests to pay for the meal is that the meal may cost more then they were going to pay for a gift. It could raise the cost for people that would have to travel. The last wedding I went to it cost about $140 Per couple for the meal, so if you did decide to ask the guest to pay you will have to keep the cost down.
Have you got some ideas in mind for what you would like your wedding to be like? Maybe if we pool our minds together we could find some tasteful cheap ideas.