Gracie, at some point, for your own mental health, you will need to distract yourself by thinking of more positive things. Looking at Lewis and imagining those babies is not a healthy thing to do. You need to look at him and remind yourself of the ways in which you care for him and the ways in which you nurture and support other mothers in their parenting journey too. I have deliberately stayed away from posting in that thread because of my own experience of parenting neglect in my childhood and my everpresent fear that I'm not 'there' enough for my own girls. I dont think there will ever be any way any of us can make sense of what happened and in the meantime we need to look after ourselves how ever we can. xxx