love my bubba girl - she seems to keep the bad stuff at bay a little. still so much going on that is hard to process at the moment. trying to hold it together for E but really struggling. haven't been posting much because i just don't know how to find the words. feeling so overwhelmingly sad and so GUILTY - and i can't deal with that. mostly keeping it together for E, but sometimes it gets too much. usually when i'm tired, it gets harder to keep the facade up

going to bed. praying E sleeps through. praying i sleep. just need my brain to stop for a while