Hey girls, I so know what you mean about the flinching, the worrying about baby waking up and focussing your attention on... um... the task at hand
I think for me, the first 'normal-feeling' deed doing was only a couple of weeks ago. I felt relaxed, and I didn't need much 'convincing' from DH So for me, it took about 10 months, though that was just one time, it hasn't been that good every time.
All I'll say is be patient with yourselves. I have to remind myself (and DH) of this all the time. As mothers we are ALWAYS on duty. We never get any time off and so it can be hard to wind down and relax. But putting pressure on yourself to get back the way you were before doesn't really help. (And this message is to me as well. I really struggle with body image, and don't enjoy sex if I'm having a day where I feel fat and ugly, even if DH calls me beautiful, I have to really believe it myself if I'm to enjoy being naked, and since having a baby I've had very few days where I don't feel fat )
Re the scar tissue, I didn't suffer as bad a tear as any of you girls did - I had tenderness for a while and DTD was uncomfy for quite a few months, but my stitches were only on my peri and healed up fine. I have heard of tags forming, and if they're uncomfortable you can have them removed. If you're worried, talk to your dr (you should be used to people looking at your hoo ha by now ) But if they don't bother you, don't worry about them. Scar tissue will stretch. I believe it gets better over time... It helps to keep stretching it - probably the more often you DTD the more comfy it will be

ETA: definitely breastfeeding decreases the body's natural lubrication - I believe the body produces less estrogen when you bf? I might be wrong, but I think I heard you can use estrogen tablets internally (not sure if that's suitable for bfeeding tho)? Might be worth talking to your doc about if you find lube irritating...