Clairesmummy, i can hear you're pain and it makes me so sad! Can you go to counseling at all? is there anyone near you? What about anti depressants for a short while? do you think they could help at all? You're grieving and its totally understandable you're feeling the way you do and feeling in a hole. Give you're self permission to grieve. Give you're self permission to be in that hole for a little while and then you'll have to start digging you're self out. I dont think there is any easy quick fix, except time........I know what you're saying about being alone but having people around you, just as long as you know there are people around to call on when you really need them. TTC'ing will be the last thing on you're mind, and dont even worry about that until you have had time to grieve for you're babies and until you maybe have some answers. Maybe once you get you're results that might help a little bit. I so wish there was something i could do to help or say that would make things better for you. I am here any time you need me and i am thinking of you. Big hugs