here I am again

[BekZ]

Meridith I have all my fingers and toes crossed for your 2 bubs. All the best.

[nickers]

thats the best news, praying both of your bubbas are well and keep on growing!

[MeredithD]

Wish i could say news remains good but things not going well.
Last night, again with no warning, started up with the really, really MASSIVE bleeding yet again.
Once I started passing fist sized clots, I decided it was time to go to an ER! Went to a private ER in the hope they would give me more of their time. so much for the 8/8/08 being lucky.... I had no luck at all.
Was kept waiting for 1.5hrs, going to toilet and passing clots without anyone taking any notice.
When i finally saw Dr, he was a total p#@!k. Said they can't do u/s's and it wouldn't change anything anyway. I shoud just go home and hopefully get one in the morning. He didn't even request bloods or check how much i was bleeding. It was a nurse who decided i had better have some bloods to at least check RBC count but I was still kicked out before any results. Continued to bleed heavily at home and for all they knew, I could have bled out!!
Bleeding as eased by this morning but still can't believe anything could have stuck through all that. There was so much blood and clots, I wouldn't know If I passed baby/ies or not.
Have managed to get a scan organised for 11am this morning but dreading actaully having it.
I am despeperate to have them both but Praying maybe at least one miracle baby might have made it

[Michelle71]

I'll be thinking of you at 11. Let me know if I can do anything

[MeredithD]

NO more miracles for me. Monday's fabulous result was just nature's cruel, cruel joke.
Scan today was awful. Sonographer would not tell me anything but found out myself by looking at pics he gave me to take back to emergency department.
Both babies still in there but the one with haematoma has totally collapsed sac and could not even see the baby. Other baby is still hanging on but measuring small and HR only 85 which I know from last time is a dismal sign at 6.5w. Uterus is full of blood so no wonder the poor things are being crushed.
Made me wait in emerg again until i kicked up a big fuss. Was in tears, by myself (DH home with DS) and just wanted to go home. Dr was nice today and was quite concerned that the amount of bleeding I had last night was not taken seriously. She spoke with my FS and both wanted me admitted for monitoring and poss D&C once confirmed that Bubba 2 had passed. I refused as just could not bear the thought of staying in hosp on my own. My FS ended up coming in within 10mins and was very supportive for which I am grateful. She was genuinely shocked that things have gone so bad from looking so good but had no good explanation. Will prob have another scan with her on Mon ( yet more torture for me!) and if all is defnitely lost then D&C so we can test babies again.
I am still in shock as I did kind of think we would get another miracle result today. My heart is just broken beyond repair. I am not sure how I am ever going to get through this only to put myself at danger once again with the next try. The 8/8/08 was THE unluckiest day ever for me.

[BellyBelly]

Meredith, I am so so so worried about you hon. Please look up Lisa's details. lisa fettling counselling & education

Huge hugs hon.

[PamyK]

I just want to give you one of these in hopes it will give you the comfort you so sorely need.

And I'm praying for you and your baby/ies

[Nicole S]

Oh Meredith, this has to be one cruel sick joke for you.
Please know that I am thinking of you and that miracles can still happen

[SallyJ]

Oh Meredith, it just isn't fair.

[Michelle71]

Here if you need anything

[Hammi]

I'm so sorry Meredith. Please see the person Kelly suggested or someone who will help you and care for you. Your heartbreak is too much for one person to bear.

[MsPink]

Meredith my lovely girl...

I am so so sorry for you. I know how broken hearted you are and I wish there was something I could say or do to help you right now.

Know that I am thinking of you...and if you need to talk ANY time with someone who 'gets' it, let me know...I am there for you.

Take care sweetie..

[Lissie]

Meredith,

I am so so sorry hun - i too thought all would be okay after last weeks scan - i started to believe in miracles - nature can be so cruel i know - i truly understand your pain and i know how lost you are - please know i am thinking of you and sending you the biggest ever - i just wish i could do something to help. I am so very sad for you

[tiggerlinda]

Oh sweetie I am worried and concerd for you please take Kelly's advice

This is unfair and not nice wish I could be there for you

[MeredithD]

Thankyou lovely ladies. I am in tears now just reading your kind words. For those wishing me luck still for tomorrow's scan, I'm afraid there really is no hope. Just have to go through the motions of scan (torture !) to be 100% that sole surviving twin truly has passed. I don't want to go and see yet another dead baby but couldn't have D&C without being sure. These beautiful babies will bring me to a total of 6 lost angels. Far to many to have on my conscience and running out of room on my necklace for more charms. I need this pain to stop. I don't want to grieve anymore. I haven't got the energy. I want to just try again and be pg with something my body doesn't fail to keep safe.
Just ranting now, sorry but just so sad,angry,frustrated etc etc .

[Nai]

Meredith - I wish this wasn't happening to you I am still holding out hope for you. We are all here for you and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

[Papillon]

OMG Meredith.... i in the last minutes have gone on a hiuge roller coatser, a coaster youve been riding for over a week..

I too, like kelly and so so so many more here are so worried about you!!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow... sending you all the strength and love i can from here (which is not far from you im just a few suburbs away)....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Nicole S]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you