we got pregnant with our first. First scan (to establish dates) was too early... they said you're probably 6 weeks, come back in a week. Second scan said... there's a heartbeat (you're still 6 weeks - what the?) but everything looks fine.

And there was only one little niggle. The dates didn't stack. It put me ovulating 5 days before a positive HPT. So I asked my obs... and so he sent me back for another scan at about ~9.5 weeks. Yesterday. I was so relaxed, I still had lots of symptoms. Thought I was fine.

No heartbeat. No growth. So I'm waiting for the D&C on Tuesday.

Every niggle makes me wonder if I'm finally going to miscarry. Just when I think I'm fine, I cry. Again. It took me long enough to realise I was really pregnant. How long will it take to realise i'm not? I think i'm coping, but I can't sleep. My mind is just buzzing.

I'm lucky. My family (mostly interstate) have been very supportive - many messages... and same from his family. And they're also respecting our space & time to grieve. My hubby has been awesome. He's asleep now and I don't want to wake him to hear me cry again.

I just didn't think it would be so hard. I told myself that it could happen, i just never believed it would.

I just told some good friends (they're overseas, so it was via chat). Big mistake. They said "Hopefully not long before you're back in the family way again", then, "we were told that a lot of pregnancies often miscarry prior to even being noticed" and finally "as long as you guys aren't down on yourselves because it happened".

I wish I hadn't told them. Or I told them when my hubby was awake. Or something. I guess if wishes were horses, I'd have a whole herd.