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Thread: i didn't know this would be so hard

  1. #1

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    Default i didn't know this would be so hard

    we got pregnant with our first. First scan (to establish dates) was too early... they said you're probably 6 weeks, come back in a week. Second scan said... there's a heartbeat (you're still 6 weeks - what the?) but everything looks fine.

    And there was only one little niggle. The dates didn't stack. It put me ovulating 5 days before a positive HPT. So I asked my obs... and so he sent me back for another scan at about ~9.5 weeks. Yesterday. I was so relaxed, I still had lots of symptoms. Thought I was fine.

    No heartbeat. No growth. So I'm waiting for the D&C on Tuesday.



    Every niggle makes me wonder if I'm finally going to miscarry. Just when I think I'm fine, I cry. Again. It took me long enough to realise I was really pregnant. How long will it take to realise i'm not? I think i'm coping, but I can't sleep. My mind is just buzzing.

    I'm lucky. My family (mostly interstate) have been very supportive - many messages... and same from his family. And they're also respecting our space & time to grieve. My hubby has been awesome. He's asleep now and I don't want to wake him to hear me cry again.

    I just didn't think it would be so hard. I told myself that it could happen, i just never believed it would.

    I just told some good friends (they're overseas, so it was via chat). Big mistake. They said "Hopefully not long before you're back in the family way again", then, "we were told that a lot of pregnancies often miscarry prior to even being noticed" and finally "as long as you guys aren't down on yourselves because it happened".

    I wish I hadn't told them. Or I told them when my hubby was awake. Or something. I guess if wishes were horses, I'd have a whole herd.

  2. #2

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    Oh Belfie..I'm so sorry for your loss It's ok to cry... actually it's more than ok. It's part of the way we express our grief. It shows that your little one was very important to you.

  3. #3

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. We never really believe it can happen to us, and then it does, and it's such a shock. Cry as much as you need and don't worry about doing it in front of your partner. Remember that he is suffering as well, even though he may not show it, as many men act like it's not a big deal even though it's killing them inside, sometimes you only find this out months later. People often say the wrong thing in these circumstances, they just don't know what to say. Take care.

  4. #4

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    I'm so sorry Belfie, sending you some {{{HUGS}}}

  5. #5
    kate007 Guest

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    Hi Belfie,

    Please take care of yourself and let yourself feel all the emotions you need to. I had a miscarraige early this year and my baby's due date is coming up very shortly - it is hard.

    When you feel alone, imagine that around you is a circle of women from across the ages who know - they are sending you love, holding you, and loving your baby as much as they love their own angel-babies. That's us honey - we're with you.

    Love Kate

  6. #6

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    Hi belfie

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my little one too and I am still struggling to deal with it. Until I found the girls at BB I was a real mess! Life just seems so unfair sometimes and to make it worse you reach out to friends and family for support and sometimes you dont get that support that you need. That's why I logged onto BB - my friends reacted in a similar way. All expressing their sympathy then finishing it off with "better luck next time" "try not to get too upset, just look at this as a practice run for the real thing"(???) "nature knows best" etc. None of these things really helped me much! I think until you experience a loss yourself you dont really know how awful it is and unfortunately if your friends have not lost then they will not truly understand what you are going through. Try not to get angry or upset with them, they just dont understand what you are going through right now.

    The girls on BB will give you much support to help you through this difficult time - we know exactly how you are feeling and we all feel your pain with you.

    Let yourself be angry and upset and cry as much as you need to

    big hugs,
    Fi

  7. #7

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    Thank you all so much for your messages. It means so much. And I think you're so right about the people that don't understand... I try not to get upset with them... i guess it's more just a trigger to let out my own upset sometimes.

    After I posted last night I went back to bed... next to snoring hubby! In the end i kicked him so much he woke up. And I had a huge bawl and he just held me and we talked. And he was wonderful. I am very lucky.

    So I'm exhausted after little sleep, seem to have some kinda cold/flu thing (will that mean they can't do the D&C?), but i come in here and read your messages and it warms my heart like you wouldn't believe... or maybe you would now I think about it. I'm sending you all big hugs back.

    Oh, and still no signs of a natural miscarriage, I even got to feel nauseous at dinner... talk about adding insult to injury!

    I just braved the conversation with my mother-in-law (she knew, but very little detail) and it went pretty well. Now i just want to get through telling work tomorrow. Wish me luck, and I'll carry those hugs with me all day.

  8. #8

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    Belfie, My heart goes out to you.....
    When you have just found out you have lost your baby the hurt is raw and it hurts alot, but it does get better over time, (I know thats not a comfort for you at the moment ).
    A few things helped me and that was
    nameing my baby
    Buying a Rose and putting it in the garden
    I was given an Angel NAO statue

    Take care
    Chris

  9. #9

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    Belfie,
    I am so sorry for your loss. It really is a hard thing to come to terms with. I too found out at a scan that my baby had passed. I was devistated and it took me a long time to stop crying so dont hold back alow yourself to grieve.
    Sharing your story will give comfort to the next person who will go through a miscarry I remember how much they helped me because I realised I wasn't alone and I would be ok.
    Take care.

  10. #10

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    It is very hard and the comments that people make often don't help. They often talk about next time or tell you how common it is and it can feel like they are minimizing your loss.

    Remember that they often just don't know what to say and are trying to be positive, so don't be too hard on them. I didn't talk about it with people who I didn't think understood. I just said that I didn't want to talk about it and people were fine with that.

    I'm glad you have your hubby to support you. Look after each other.

  11. #11
    bekyj2 Guest

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    i am so sorry to here about ur loss, its ok to cry i do the same thing but only when i am alone because its wen everything is quite and i can just think that wen i do think it makes me cry of the misscarriage that have happened to myself... its just a normal way to greive for the one u love...
    take care of urself and no that everyone here on BB is here to listen and help.

    Me 17 Partner 18
    kate and tyson 15th of march 8 w 5 d 2006
    Hydie 18th of sep 2007 5 w 5 d

  12. #12

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    I hope your d&c went okay without complications. I know you're suffering so much right now. I'll keep you in my prayers.

  13. #13

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    oh Belfie, i'm so sorry for your loss. be good to yourself and allow the time to grieve. xxoom

  14. #14

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    So sorry to hear of your loss, sending you a big hug.We are all here for you.

  15. #15

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    thank you for the posts and hugs. The d&c went well - such a relief to get it out of the way.

    we told friends yesterday. Also harder than I thought it would be. I think I thought i was coping, and then i decided maybe I wasn't. So now i'm just trying to get sleep and shake off a nasty cough/cold that's trying to bring me down. So it's off to doona-land with chocolate fairies to help.

  16. #16
    tcam Guest

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    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I found out at 13 weeks (week ago) that the baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks and had to have a D&C. You put into words everything I am feeling.

    I knew this could happen. I told my mom I was pregnant at 5 weeks and even said it is still really early, miscarrage is very common. But now it happened. To me. I didn't think it would.

    I also didn't think it would be this hard and that I would be this sad. Or angry.

    I am lucky too. My family, friends, co-workers, and husband are all very supportive. But it is still hard.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    Thanks for your post. It helps to know someone else feels the same way.

    Tara

  17. #17

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    Glad you D&C went well and hope you are felling alittle better as each day goes by.

  18. #18

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    Thanks for the posts - Tara, my heart goes out to you. I would have thought the same if I were you... 13 weeks... That must have been awful for you. And I agree, it does help to know that others feel the same.

    Well last night I saw my sibs-in-law. The miscarriage was the elephant in the room that nobody mentioned. I was so sad afterwards. I thought i'd at least get hugs... from 3 people I got only one hug! I guess that's not too bad (better than none?)... I just didn't realise it would be like that. Learning curve huh. So I thought I'd come here, because there's a plentiful supply of hugs.

    I'm doing lots of "changing things". Maybe if I make my house look different, I'll feel different? I have a feeling it's not quite that simple, but I have to do something. I'm just impatient, I want to be a few months (or however long it will take) and feeling ok... I just want to get away from myself and my own misery sometimes
    Well I went back to work today. It was ok, but i guess it brings it home... life goes on.. and my work just doesn't seem as interesting as usual. Funny huh.

    I never knew. When I heard someone had a miscarriage... I just didn't realise... I never knew the pain.

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