When do you get over your loss?

[mumofanangel]

Hi everyone - I am relativly new to this forum, but just wanted to share my story. I have lost my baby nearly 4 months ago at 11.5 weeks gestation (bub only measured 8 weeks) and have ben really struggling to come to terms for the first couple of months, and I mean STRUGGLING.

I would not be able to eat or sleep, I didn't want to see or speak to anyone and the emotional pain has been so unbearable, that it would physically be hard for me to breath.

Despite the pain being so raw, I was getting better gradually, and the past 1.5 month or so I have been feeling a lot better. I was beginning to gain back the meaning of life and my hopes for the future ahead, and everyone around has been saying how proud they are of me.

Anyways, to cut the story short, it has started to come back to me a few days ago. The father of my baby, who I was broken up with because of the pregnancy has come back into my life now, making it more unbearable then the first stages of my loss. Just like back then I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do simple task, I always want to cry and I feel so jealous of other people's babies, especially my partner's first child. And after all, he has the bloody nerve to tell me to stop toturing him and that the mother of his child was a virgin before him, hence why she ended up having a perfectly healthy baby, and I have had "quite a life experience", therefore I should blame msyelf and the things that I have done in the past if I want to find the reasons why our baby wasn't meant to be!
Can somebody please help me cope or something, becasue I really don't know where I am at he moment or what to do. Does this grief ever end or easen up? Or it jsut keeps on coming around in circles like this?

[Spring Angel]

Aww hun, I am so very sorry for your loss. :hugs:

Firstly, person (I don't use the term man because in my eyes he isn't a man) who told you you were somehow to blame for the loss of your baby is so totally and utterly wrong and mean. I'm telling you, this is not your fault. You in no way caused your baby to grow wings. So please please don't let this horrible comments enter your mind.

It is so hard when a baby is lost, it is the end of dreams, and it seems like the pain will never ease. When I lost my son, like you, I could barely function. I couldn't even get out of bed for months and simple things like eating seemed impossible. I was crying almost every waking moment. It had all gotten too much for me so I saw a counsellor who helped me start to work through my grief. Getting help was what I needed to get my life back together, it might help you also. It is a pain that you shouldn't have to bear alone so perhaps think about it and see if you would like to talk to someone.

It is a long and unpredictable path, I don't think the pain ever goes away, but the good days start to out weigh the bad and all of a sudden you'll catch yourself smiling again. Keep talking, let it all out and know that you are in no way to blame.

Take care, big squishy hugs.
Spring

[JordieC]

So sorry to hear your story and in some ways it's good to know you're not alone. There are heaps of people who can help or give words of advice. How long to get over loss? Well as they say - how long is a piece of string? Everyone is sooo different and it really does vary. Some people on the forums mourn for months and even years where as others feel the pain less and less every day.

For me - well it was awful but I made up my mind very quickly (a few days after the d & c) that I would not stay sad because there was NOTHING I could do to change the situation. I didn't want to feel sad all the time. I still felt sad (and jealous) when I heard other people talking about babies or seeing other kids but I knew my time would come.

We ignored docs advice and got pregnant straight away and to be honest that's what made me feel much better. Of course not everyone can do that and maybe if you're not completely happy with your relationship then that probably wouldn't be an option right now. To be honest, he doesn't sound very supportive and you deserve MUCH more than that.

Take each day as it comes and I know if you speak to others who have lost babies, there is a point at some stage when you will feel a bit better, then a bit more and one day you will be happy (you won't forget) but you will move on. There are so many happy stories out there of people who have had one or two or even 6 or 7 m/c and go on to have a healthy baby.

Hugs to you and I hope I could be of some help.

[satya]

I'm sorry for your loss. Nothing you did caused your loss.

Your grief will come and go. Expect a difficult time around the time your baby was due to be born, we all find that one difficult. Getting pregnant again can ease the pain, but if you suffer another loss it makes it very difficult indeed (been there, done that, got the tshirt to prove it). Take as long as you need to grieve but you will eventually feel better.

[jo76]

please please please do not look at any "past life experience" as a reason to find blame in yourself and at the risk of offending you i am insulted that someone who should care about you is being so cruel and heartless. i have suffered a loss also and although it is still new to me and i am working through my own grief, i am finding it does come in waves and it is hard to predict how, when and what may affect me to bring back feelings that i think any of us who have experienced it can describe. I am learning it is very unpredictable and people won't always understand. i am looking into some counselling and i hope that you can too as i really think it would help you sort through and deal with your feelings esp as you are not eating etc.
Surround yourself with people who are positive energy for you if you can and i am honestly going to be thinking of you. Please take care, it may be a long battle but it is the way we are able to deal with it in the meantime that will help get us through each day. sending loads of hugs your way....:hugs:

[fi1980]

Oh Honey

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Like everyone else has said it is a difficult and unpredictable road to recovery and it is different for each of us. I was a mess for the first month after my loss in October and then I seemed to pick myself up and get on with things, however, now I seem to be struggling with it again. The loss of a baby is not something that you can rush and not something that you can just get over so please be kind to yourself and take as long as you need to heal.

Anything that you did in your past is irrelevent and it makes me so angry to think that someone who is supposed to care about you would say such stupid, cruel and totally untrue things.

The girls on this forum are all wonderful and will help you and support you through this difficult time, you can always rely on bellybelly! You might also want to consider seeing a counsellor to help you deal with your feelings.

Thinking of you

Big hugs

Fi

[munchy]

Oh Honey

i am so sorry to hear of your loss and i totally agree with people it was no way you fault and never think that it was there was nothing you could have done so please dont blame yourself. grief is a long and hard rollercoaster full of tears anger hurt heartbreak emptyness all different emotions rolled into one and some of us find it hard to cope it has being a year and half since i lost my little girl and even now i find it difficult i to see a counsellor have being for 6 months now and i am on anti depressants as i just got to low never had any energy always thinking bad thoughts and thinking i was worthless and having anixiety attacks and just feeling sad all the time and couldnt move forward from the past i think it takes time so dont beat yourself up and it might help you to see a councellor if you need to talk it through just give yourself time honey really hope that you feel better soon.

Munchy xxx

[Auntie M]

oh, i am so sorry for your loss. i cannot offer words to make your pain disappear, even though i wish so much i could. i can only echo the words of the wise ladies above, that you have NOTHING to do with the loss of your baby. every mother who looses a child, no matter the gestation or age, feels guilt and wonders what she could have done. that is a natural instinct in a parent -- we are made to protect our children from harm even when we are unable to do so. it was and is cruel for your boyfriend to prey upon your natural fears in such a heartless way. please do not listen to his nasty thoughts and know in your heart that you are a mom, and that you did everything possible for your little baby -- as we all have. the universe is unfair, and bad things happen to good people. we know that here, even though many folks out there that you will run into will not know that and will cling to the idea that bad things can never happen to them. for them, it may be the only way they can make it through the day. the best thing we can hope for them is that they never have cause to experience pain or death, but that is an illusion. boy, am i mad at your boyfriend, and i don't even know the lad.

anyway, your grieving is so natural and so right. please be good to yourself and allow yourself to grieve in the way that comes natural to you. feel what you have to feel, even if it is painful or involves emotions you don't normally have to face (anger, jealousy, depression, fear). i too have felt all of these, and still do. also, please find the support you need from understanding folks. a support group, bb, a counselor with experience, a friend, or relative -- anyone who will just let you be in grief and offer their support rather than their judgment or their attempt to "fix" you. you have a broken heart, and are grieving the loss of your child -- you deserve support. you are in pain, and that is how you are remembering your little baby. someday, the pain will be less, but you will never forget. xxoom

[mumofanangel]

Oh, my big thanks to eveyone of you, lovely ladies here. I admire everyone of your's strength and wish you a smooth road on your grief journeys.
I am feeling a bit better today, I just started panicking, because I thought I was gonna go through the whole grieving process again, and for a moment I thought that it will be going in circles all my life , but I guess this is what has been given to me, regardless whether I wanted it or not (and the rest of the ladies here) and this is what we have to live with.

I spoke to my (ex)boyfriend yesterday to tell him how I was feeling, he first got really defensive and said that just because I'm suffering myself, I shouldn't make him suffer, therefore, he doesn't want to be reminded of the anniversaries, etc... He said he doesn't want to be reminded of the past, especially of the "unpleasant" things like that, and he suggests I stop living in my past either. Tried explaining that when a woman loses a child regardless of age or gestation, she also loses some part of herself, which she will carry with her into the future as well, but couldn't get through. I guess we both are entitled to our own opinions that we feel strongly about.

I am thinking of considering councelling finally (never wanted before). I don't mind living with a sense of grief from time to time, but I want to stop making myself and everyone around me miserable. Has councelling really made a difference for you, ladies?

[tempus moriendi]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you've been going through. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Second of all, I really hope you cut off that toxic relationship as fast as you can.
But in answer to your question, the heart has its own timetable. There's no right or wrong amount of time to grieve. If your pain, however, is so severe that it debilitates you and you can't even get out of bed AND it persists, then you should get some professional counseling. That said, this loss will be a part of you for the rest of your life. Even though you will feel happy again and enjoy life again, you'll never really forget this experience. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the ones I lost.
I hope you find some loving people to support you through this. If you need to talk, this is the place to go.

[bettyboop]

sorry to hear of your loss, everyone has given you great advice so i dont think i can add to that, be kind to your self , cry if you want .Our angles will always be in our hearts.You sound more positive today , there will be good days and not so good.we are all here for you

[Kitt3n]

counselling was probably teh best thing i could have done - she really really helped me - just make sure you find the right person - i was lucky to find soemone who used to work at the IVF clinic so had a really sound knowledge of what i needed

[Lissie]

I sweetie - so so sorry for your loss. Like the others said just be kind to yourself and give it time - you will never forget your angel but you will find ways to cope. Thats what we do we cope, we don't forget, i find at times a shed a tear and get really sad etc but i have learned to cope and i always hang onto hope that one day i will get that bundle. I thank counselling is wonderful and it does help.
But i must admit a strong and loving partner also helps and i am sorry yours has not been there for you as he should. Be kind to yourself hun.

[Auntie M]

counseling has helped me -- just to have someone who has been through what i am going through to talk to. it doesn't make the pain go away, nor did it make me into the person i was before our son died. i don't think that is possible. but it did give me the strength to allow myself to grieve and to live through the emotions rather than bottling them up for others' benefit. good luck, my dear. m

[Kitt3n]

I hope you can find then strength to get yourself out of such a relationship mumofangel - you need to focus on you and your health, not the destructive influences that seem to be put on you with your partner.
Lots of strength to you!