Hi Lana

I loved your message. I like to think Tilly has found lots of friends where she is. I hope she's found your Tilly and their getting into mischief and having a grand old time. Its 8 weeks today since we lost her and still feels like yesterday. I should be 28 weeks. I should have 10 weeks to go ( I was booked in for a caesar at 38 weeks - Nov 18). Part of me can't wait until the 19th Nov- that's when I should've stopped being pregnant. I'm dreaded the 18th. I'm racking my brains Really I just want to survive it.

You're brave to go back to work. Its hard facing people again but then again its worse sitting at home and dwelling on your grief. At times I envy my husband because he gets to go to work and think about other things. I'm extremely grateful for our son, he is nearly 2 and absolutley delightful and I love being home with him but some days can be long and mind numbingly boring so you have time to think about our loss. I'm a teacher so I'm going to do relief teaching starting next term. I'm looking forward to having something else to think about.
What I hate is that I didn't have to think about going back to work next year because Tilly was coming along. Now I don't have an excuse not to work. Its not just the loss its the total mind shift you have to adjust to. You have all these plans and now you have to change them because they don't apply anymore. I was supposed to have at least another 12 months off before I went back part time. I was supposed to be able to plan how to decorate her room - now we're moving to a bigger house with 2 spare rooms instead of one. There were so many things we planned with her in mind that just won't matter now.
We are going to try again soon. I was a total headcase when I was pregnant with Flynn because I'd had a miscarriage at 8 weeks before him and I was scared the same would happen. Next time around I'm going to be even worse. At the same time, I am looking forward to the prospect of another baby. It took awhile to conceive Tilly so I need to be prepared to be patient ( not one of my strong suites).

I think sometimes of all the girly things I won't get to do with Tilly. I won't get to buy pretty hair clips and ribbons, I won't get to buy her pretty clothes, I won't get to teach her all the words to the Sound of Music, I won't get to go shopping with her to buy her formal/deb/wedding dress, I won't get to tell her all about boys and how to spot the dud ones. I had so many things I wanted to tell her...
Do you think about those kind of things too?

Hope you're doing OK today

Hi Tillys mum,

*hugs* i am so very sorry you lost your Tilly too. I guess this week will be 8 since you lost your bub - so i hope you are feeling the best you can. This week was 4 weeks (1 month) since we lost our Tilly - and its been alot harder than i anticipated... i guess every milestone will be..

Matilda was our first baby and yes it seems like the whole world is pregnant now... i dont mind - i just wish i was too.. i have come back to work - i couldnt sit in the house any longer.. there were too many things there that reminded me of why i felt so follow..

it has been an interesting experience.. there are people here at work that used to talk to me that now dont talk to me - i suspect they dont know what to say.. there are others that have been really good and i appreciate them all the more.. there is also one lady who seems to literally run in the other direction when she sees me - her daughter is due the same day as i was and its like she thinks shes going to catch some disease when shes near me..

when people say they are sorry.. i say thanks.. i mean what do you say..? really? then theres the how are you? physically i'm fine... so i just say fine.. i have a few close friends that i can just tell that i feel poxxy to and they listen.. i know how hard it must be for them to listen when i do..

i woke up this morning thinking of you and your Tilly after i read your message last night - im sure our girls are playing together where ever it is sleeping babies go - if you ever need someone to vent to please feel free to..

Lana x