the whole world seems to be pregnant...

[tillygrace]

Hi Lana

I loved your message. I like to think Tilly has found lots of friends where she is. I hope she's found your Tilly and their getting into mischief and having a grand old time. Its 8 weeks today since we lost her and still feels like yesterday. I should be 28 weeks. I should have 10 weeks to go ( I was booked in for a caesar at 38 weeks - Nov 18). Part of me can't wait until the 19th Nov- that's when I should've stopped being pregnant. I'm dreaded the 18th. I'm racking my brains Really I just want to survive it.

You're brave to go back to work. Its hard facing people again but then again its worse sitting at home and dwelling on your grief. At times I envy my husband because he gets to go to work and think about other things. I'm extremely grateful for our son, he is nearly 2 and absolutley delightful and I love being home with him but some days can be long and mind numbingly boring so you have time to think about our loss. I'm a teacher so I'm going to do relief teaching starting next term. I'm looking forward to having something else to think about.
What I hate is that I didn't have to think about going back to work next year because Tilly was coming along. Now I don't have an excuse not to work. Its not just the loss its the total mind shift you have to adjust to. You have all these plans and now you have to change them because they don't apply anymore. I was supposed to have at least another 12 months off before I went back part time. I was supposed to be able to plan how to decorate her room - now we're moving to a bigger house with 2 spare rooms instead of one. There were so many things we planned with her in mind that just won't matter now.
We are going to try again soon. I was a total headcase when I was pregnant with Flynn because I'd had a miscarriage at 8 weeks before him and I was scared the same would happen. Next time around I'm going to be even worse. At the same time, I am looking forward to the prospect of another baby. It took awhile to conceive Tilly so I need to be prepared to be patient ( not one of my strong suites).

I think sometimes of all the girly things I won't get to do with Tilly. I won't get to buy pretty hair clips and ribbons, I won't get to buy her pretty clothes, I won't get to teach her all the words to the Sound of Music, I won't get to go shopping with her to buy her formal/deb/wedding dress, I won't get to tell her all about boys and how to spot the dud ones. I had so many things I wanted to tell her...
Do you think about those kind of things too?

Hope you're doing OK today

Hi Tillys mum,

*hugs* i am so very sorry you lost your Tilly too. I guess this week will be 8 since you lost your bub - so i hope you are feeling the best you can. This week was 4 weeks (1 month) since we lost our Tilly - and its been alot harder than i anticipated... i guess every milestone will be..

Matilda was our first baby and yes it seems like the whole world is pregnant now... i dont mind - i just wish i was too.. i have come back to work - i couldnt sit in the house any longer.. there were too many things there that reminded me of why i felt so follow..

it has been an interesting experience.. there are people here at work that used to talk to me that now dont talk to me - i suspect they dont know what to say.. there are others that have been really good and i appreciate them all the more.. there is also one lady who seems to literally run in the other direction when she sees me - her daughter is due the same day as i was and its like she thinks shes going to catch some disease when shes near me..

when people say they are sorry.. i say thanks.. i mean what do you say..? really? then theres the how are you? physically i'm fine... so i just say fine.. i have a few close friends that i can just tell that i feel poxxy to and they listen.. i know how hard it must be for them to listen when i do..

i woke up this morning thinking of you and your Tilly after i read your message last night - im sure our girls are playing together where ever it is sleeping babies go - if you ever need someone to vent to please feel free to..

Lana x

[lanabear81]

Hi Tillys mum

i hope you and your hubby got through yesterday ok.. it was a tough weekend for us.. our first fathers day with no one to jump on the bed and scribble on the card! i organised for us to go away for the weekend - to get away from the non-stop fathers day reminders.. it was nice even though it rained the whole time we were away!

everything you say rings so close to home...i know what you mean about counting the weeks it should be.. but i have decided that i am no longer going to do that.. i also now think of the day matilda was born as her birthday and try not to think about the due date.. i have a blood condition so our bubby was more than likely going to come earlier that her due date..

i was looking forward to having a year off and starting my own business with the intention of working from home and looking after the kids in the future.. we were in the midst of having the laundry renovated so we had somewhere to bath matilda.. we have a room full of baby things that are still in their packaging.. most of all we and the entire family were looking forward to having a little rug rat for christmas.. all plans that have disappeared into the thin air...

i dont know if your the crafty type - im not very good at that stuff, but while i was at home i made a memory box for matilda.. i picked out some nice pink butterfly paper at the craft shop and covered the box in it.. then my partner and i picked out a few special things we had bought for her over the pregnancy and put them in the box.. which now sits in our wardrobe.. and is there when ever we need to remember or vent.. i know you didnt get the chance to buy anything girly for your tilly but maybe if you make a memory box and go out and buy your tilly a nice dress or some special things it will make you feel less sad about never getting the chance to buy her anything like that.? just a thought..

i too want to get pregnant again - and soon.. not to replace matilda but because i promised her i wouldnt let her death be in vain.. i am going to learn as much as i can about what went wrong and try to prevent it happening again.. in saying that - i am terrified of the same thing happening again but we want a family so much that i am willing to try again.. on the up side, aunt flo has returned this week which means we can think about TTC again..

i hope you are feeling a little bit better today

lana

[lanabear81]

Hi TillyGrace,
I?m so glad to hear from you ? I noticed you hadn?t posted in a while and was worried that you were having a rough time of late. I cant work out the private message thing so I couldn?t work out how to check on you so glad to see your back! I find it good to come on here and just vent in sometimes.
Yes Carly?s site is just beautiful.. I cant think of words that express how having a memorial like that made me feel.. Halo.. it?s a bit of a sooky song but I heard it a few weeks ago and realised that?s what it felt like? I feel like shes missing but I always feel like im being watched? its quiet strange as im not spiritual in any way yet for some reason I cant shake this feeling.. I am going to the beyonce concert on Thursday and I was really looking forward to it.. I remember buying the tickets before I had told anyone I was pregnant.. and I was really excited about taking matilda to it.. alas I know she?ll still be there in spirit..
I?ve been doing ok.. fathers day for us was difficult ? we went away into the country for a few days.. it was nice just to be there on our own.. I must say that being at work is a saving grace because I spend my days not thinking about life on the outside? but Wednesday evenings are difficult.. my matilda was born on Wednesday night.. and 9.29pm.. I dont think there will ever be a Wednesday night that wont make me sad.. well that?s what it feels like.
I also feel like my girl is missing.. and I don?t like it one bit.. I don?t feel like I have had a miscarriage.. I don?t know why.. I feel like my baby is dead? I cant explain it but in my head there is a big distinction between those two statements..
I had a post natal appointment with a specialist yesterday.. he confirmed the results of the autopsy were what we thought they would be? that makes me mad ? I have a blood condition and my medication is the reason my baby died.. what annoys me more is that I was given the wrong advice about the medication? he did also give us a plan of attack for our next attempt.. so fingers crossed for next time..
Anyway I hope your have a better day today.. you and your Tilly are often in my thoughts..
LBx

[tillygrace]

Hi Lana
I can't work out the private thingy either so I hope you get to read this.
I can't imagine how angry you must be at the medico's who gave you the medication. I hope you gave them a piece of your mind. I feel so so sad for you. Its good that you have a plan for next time, not that that helps you grieve for Matilda.
I hope you enjoyed the Beyonce concert. I went out and bought the CD yesterday and think of our girls when I play Halo. I had a m/c at 8 weeks in Dec 06 but took some solace in the fact that the baby got to go to the U2 concert. Unfortunately I had a curette the day I had tickets to Kylie, so I missed that one and won't go to other Kylie concert b/c of that memory.
Have had a pretty crappy week. I went to my first SANDS support group meeting the other night. That was really helpful. There were girls there that had recent losses like us and older ladies who lost babies years ago. It was good to listen to their stories. i'm right in the thick of the grief right now but it was good to hear how life gets better in time and how these ladies went on to have more children. I'm looking forward to reaching that place.
It is my turn to host mothers group tomorrow but I cancelled late this afternoon. I'm finding it really hard to be around newborns and big preggie bellies at the moment and there's 2 new babies and 2 big bellies in the group. The girls are lovely and have been supportive but its just so hard to be around them. I'm going to go to my mum's instead so she can look after me and spoil me.

How is your husband coping? Mine doesn't talk about it, which is a common male trait but God its frustrating. He says he doesn't need to talk about it, which is fine but it would be nice if he could accomodate my need to talk about it
every now and then. Men!
Thank God for these forums.
Its Wednesday today. I hope they are getting easier for you.
Take care
Jen

Hi TillyGrace,
I?m so glad to hear from you ? I noticed you hadn?t posted in a while and was worried that you were having a rough time of late. I cant work out the private message thing so I couldn?t work out how to check on you so glad to see your back! I find it good to come on here and just vent in sometimes.
Yes Carly?s site is just beautiful.. I cant think of words that express how having a memorial like that made me feel.. Halo.. it?s a bit of a sooky song but I heard it a few weeks ago and realised that?s what it felt like? I feel like shes missing but I always feel like im being watched? its quiet strange as im not spiritual in any way yet for some reason I cant shake this feeling.. I am going to the beyonce concert on Thursday and I was really looking forward to it.. I remember buying the tickets before I had told anyone I was pregnant.. and I was really excited about taking matilda to it.. alas I know she?ll still be there in spirit..
I?ve been doing ok.. fathers day for us was difficult ? we went away into the country for a few days.. it was nice just to be there on our own.. I must say that being at work is a saving grace because I spend my days not thinking about life on the outside? but Wednesday evenings are difficult.. my matilda was born on Wednesday night.. and 9.29pm.. I dont think there will ever be a Wednesday night that wont make me sad.. well that?s what it feels like.
I also feel like my girl is missing.. and I don?t like it one bit.. I don?t feel like I have had a miscarriage.. I don?t know why.. I feel like my baby is dead? I cant explain it but in my head there is a big distinction between those two statements..
I had a post natal appointment with a specialist yesterday.. he confirmed the results of the autopsy were what we thought they would be? that makes me mad ? I have a blood condition and my medication is the reason my baby died.. what annoys me more is that I was given the wrong advice about the medication? he did also give us a plan of attack for our next attempt.. so fingers crossed for next time..
Anyway I hope your have a better day today.. you and your Tilly are often in my thoughts..
LBx

[lanabear81]

Hi Jen
If your on facebook, my username is the same as my bellybelly one so look me up?
I am sitting in my office today being totally unproductive ? im a bit too excited about the concert tonite.. and I don?t really want to be sitting here right now?
Sorry to hear you are having a crap week ? I hope its picking up.. I?ve not heard of SANDS in WA? I hope your time at your mums was what you needed to make you feel better?
I know what you mean about being around big bellies? one of my colleagues is preggo at the moment ? I think shes due around jan or feb? shes only part time.. but shes really good about the whole thing and I don?t mind talking to her about stuff? I get more annoyed when I see example of bad parenting like at the shops or in public.. last week I saw a man unloading his baby from the car with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.. my immediate thought is ?how can someone so irresponsible be allowed toe have a bubby ? NOT FAIR!?
My partner is doing ok.. hes devastated? he was really looking forward to her.. I know he too doesn?t do Wednesday nights well ? even though he doesn?t say a lot ? he still talks about her.. I am very lucky in that sense.. I think he tries not to be openly sad for my sake? but I know he is.. he also has that male-ness about him too!
Yesterday sucked for me ? 7 weeks? every Wednesday I cant help but think if she was born today ? she would survive? I am sure though that there is a reason I was graced by her presence even for such a short time..
I hope you had a better day today! Im sure there will be two little tillys hanging out in the best seats in the house at the concert tonite!
LB
xx