wishing i didnt have to do this!

DoubleK · March 29th, 2008, 10:03 PM

well, im really not up to typing the whole story.. but i need to let some feelings out.

i found out yesterday that i was pregnant, which was great! we weren't TTC, so it was (another) surprise, but welcomed!!

i had severe cramping, and today i have been bleeding. we had an ultrasound at the emergency department(which they tell me is a very basic scan, nothing like a regular scan at a radiologist) he was unable to 'find' anything, but has referred me to a radiologist in the morning, for a proper scan.
My hcg(thats right isnt it?) levels have dropped since yesterdays blood tests, so i have pretty much accepted that we have lost our baby, but the doctor said to relax until tomorrows scan, and that will give me a definite answer.. bless her for being so caring and thoughtful of my feelings

i want to have this scan, but i dont think i can watch the screen while they try to 'find' a heartbeat

i have been feeling nauseaus all day, which i kind of thought might be a good sign - that was untill we got the blood test back.. im still queasy, but i am not getting my hopes up!

i will update tmorrow after the ultrasound.. thank you for reading if you got this far!!

Ellibam · March 29th, 2008, 10:12 PM

rach im sorry to hear your going through this now!
you know we are here for you!

**Jas** · March 29th, 2008, 10:15 PM

Rach,

I am so sorry to hear that, I truly hope that you will get some good news tomorrow

sorry again

**Arimeh** · March 29th, 2008, 10:40 PM

Awww Rach, huge :hugs: for you hon...
I truly hope you get good news tomorrow and come and tell us all good news.
We are all here for you.

**snowie** · March 29th, 2008, 11:04 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss
Sending lots of :hugs: your way

**Trish** · March 30th, 2008, 07:07 AM

Rach, huge hugs huni. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I pray that your scan today gives you some promising results.

**Anthonysmom** · March 30th, 2008, 07:18 AM

Rach - praying that you get good news.

Barbara

**~Kim~** · March 30th, 2008, 07:20 AM

Oh Rach, I'm so sorry to hear that.

**{sarah}** · March 30th, 2008, 08:56 AM

Awwww Rach :hugs: I'm so sorry.

**diannescruffy** · March 30th, 2008, 12:14 PM

Hi hun,
So sorry your'e going through this, will be praying for some good news.

Hugs,
Dianne

DoubleK · March 30th, 2008, 08:50 PM

hi ladies, thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot to me!

i woke up the morning, covered in blood, and i 'passed' what i can only describe as a blob.. we didnt get to have the ultrasound(the hospital had no record of my appointment - even after i handed them my piece of paper that the doctor wrote the appointment details on...) so i have booked one for tomorrow afternoon, and they will tell me if i need to have anything else removed..

im feeling such mixed emotions.. one minute im ok, then my heart just sinks when i think i could have been telling my friends and family some exciting news, but instead im telling a select few my sad news. its not fair, but i can only think it could have been worse... i could have lost our baby after 6 months of pregnancy or worse stillbirth... i now have a more emotional understanding of what miscarriage really means, and i sympathise with anyone else who has suffered one.. and i cant help but think why i was given a baby, then to have it taken away

thanks again for your replies, even a small well wish means so much, and its helping me get through this.

i just wish we had a chance to get used to the idea of being pregnant, but i guess maybe its better this way.

byebye our butterfly baby.......

**Arimeh** · March 30th, 2008, 08:52 PM

Rach - just wanted to give you big :hugs:

Take care of yourself.

**StrawberryMumma** · March 30th, 2008, 09:00 PM

Oh hunny...so sorry you have to go through this.

Thinking of you..

**Willow** · March 30th, 2008, 09:04 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your DP can support eachother through this awful time.

**Jas** · March 30th, 2008, 09:11 PM

I'm so sorry Rach

smiles4u · March 30th, 2008, 09:18 PM

Your "Butterfly Baby" will forever be in YOUR heart

... I thanked my own two angels for choosing me & making me feel fortunate rather than unfortunate that they chose me to be their Mumma even though it was for a very short time !!

I have no magical words for you RACH but I hope that thought may help you in the smallest way

**mako** · March 30th, 2008, 09:25 PM

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope you have lots of supportive people around you atm. Always know that we are here for you hun. Please take care of yourself during this very difficult time