Freya I've had DD1 lead DD2 down the path before, she's gotten her out the gate and then run off... leaving DD2 to wander the streets alone... its so scary and heart breaking and yep everytime I feel like a crap mum. Its obviously not your fault, but its hard not to blame yourself.

FJ - your instincts are soooo in tune with what helps. OT can help wtih meltdowns and controlling emotions etc... but things we do when meltdowns have started or are about to start are core exercises, so things like wheelbarrows and squashing her between two bean bags and getting her to escape from inside.

She has wheat bags, and boxes full of rice with a few toys in there to put her fingers through. We are getting her a boxing bag for her birthday!!! Her OT suggested it to help her in the anxious phase. Breathing exercises also help calm them, you know how most of us take a deep breath to carry on, when they get anxious often they don't use their diaphram and are unable to take that deep breath to calm down, so blowing up balloons when they are stressed helps, we do blowing bubbles, blowing a ping pong (table tennis) ball down the hall with a straw.... races things that force deep breathing.

One of my FB posts recently went through a few activities to do at home which help avoid meltdown. We do these activities 3-4 times a day on a normal day, when she's having a bad day we do it more liek 6-8 times a day. If we miss them for a few days, she is more anxious and we have more meltdowns.

HTH!