How do you parent a child with anxiety? (long)

[maz]

I really have no advice but have read your post and wanted to offer you are a wonderful mother and dont forget that. It is very easy to judge and blame ourselves when something isnt the norm with our children.

THe girls have offered you fantastic advice...and I think I might even get the book that Kelly suggested for my eldest.

again

hon

[Lolli]

Tan, hun, I don't have any advice, but I did real the whole thing i wanted to let you know I am here, listening. As you know, i've suffered anxiety on and off for most of my life,and my ds seems to be turning out to be a bit of a stressed, highly strung kind of kid (I could have written the paragraph about the shoes), so i empathise. A huge

[skeetaboat]

well done asking for help.

it's hard when you recognise traits from yourself that you wouldn't wish your child to have. I recently went through something similar (noticed my DS was socially withdrawn, and this is something I do myself). Noticing this in my DS pushed me to address the issues within myself that caused me to isolate myself, be withdrawn, be disengaged and push people away. The process has forced me to work on my "issews", be more mindful, live in the present, and reach out to my loved ones and people around me. Since I did this, about six months ago, I've been much happier. Funnily enough, DS has come out of his shell socially, is no longer withdrawn, and his personality is now really blossoming. Even his day-carer has asked what has happened because he was the shyest boy in her group and is now the most outgoing and boisterous!? Maybe some of that was timing and he would have developed socially anyway, but what I want to share is that I think modelling and environment both have a great deal of influence over which inborn traits are magnified and which are minimised. Of course temperament is a huge factor in anxious traits, but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that some of his anxious thoughts could have been learned ... and therefore can be unlearned! Which is great news! Your DS's fate is not sealed and you have taken the first important step. ETA - reading over that it sounds like I'm blaming you for your DS anxieties, so I just want to clarify that I don't think his anxieties are your fault at all - you have clearly done a great job and are a very dedicated mum!

Anxiety doesn't have to be a life sentence and there are fantastic strategies that a professional can teach you and him to prevent fears (thoughts) from ruling his mind and his behaviour. We can choose to listen to anxious and worring thoughts or we can choose not to. It takes a lot of time and effort to choose not to listen if you always have, but the great news is that he only new to all this and his thoughts and behaviour can be changed a lot more easily than an adult who has been living with anxiety for 2 or 3 decades.

What might have helped you reduce your anxieties as a youngster? What did you need your mum to do for you that she didn't? Perhaps you could spend some time thinking about that as it will probably help guide you in parenting your DS.

It sounds like your anxieties have been quite crippling since you became pregnant with him. I think another thing that will really help him, is for you to get some intensive help. What more powerful way to show him that anxiety does not have to rule his life than to live free of anxiety yourself?

I think the most important thing to remember is to have HOPE. It can and will get better - especially given that you're such a thoughtful mummy who is concerned about this issue and not afraid to ask for help. He will eventually learn to separate from you. He will eventually be less clingy, cope better with change, be able to go to school (I do think it is a good idea to hold him back if he isn't ready. Social and emotional readiness for school is more important than just intellectual readiness).

PS, I also wanted to say that my DS, who isn't an anxious child, also does some of the things you've listed: he demands I (or his dad) do activities with him, resists playing/doing things by himself; wants us to be with him until he falls asleep; hates mess, eg spilt milk when he's eating breakfast, that kind of thing; he also takes a while to warm up to strangers and until recently felt too shy to say hello or goodbye to people. Just saying that to let you know some of those behaviours aren't uncommon, they're developmental and to some degree, also temperamental in that some kids don't 'grow out of' these behaviours as quickly or easily as others.

[BellyBelly]

Yup thats the one... check out Selective Mutism Group ~ Childhood Anxiety Network — Selective Mutism Group to see if you think it might be that. Has loads of great resources, books and info.

[Matryoshka]

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[mrsmac]

Reading about some of his traits like the fluff thing sounds like he may have some sensory issues, I am no expert but DS has them and I have been reading an awesome book called "The Out of sync child" which Christy lent me and a a lot of it has lightbulb moments for me.

I think you are a great mother, if you weren't yu would be ignoring this not working your butt off to help him.

[Matryoshka]

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[Matryoshka]

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[Matryoshka]

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[thepixie]

Sweetheart you know him best, you have seen all the behaviour you described in so much detail in your original post. You're his mum, in your heart you know something isn't right, and you believe that someone must be able to help him, and you.
Maybe you can say you just want to have him checked out and if nothing is wrong they will be proved right and it can all be forgotten. If he does need some kind of early intervention then at least he is on that pathway. I know that they are family but you and DH are his parents it's up to you to make the decisions that you believe are in his best interests. It doesn't mean you don't respect them, it just means you agree to disagree. Don't doubt yourself.

[StrawberryMumma]

Oh sweety
MILs seem to always have a way of making silly comments Be strong honey, and like thepixie says don't doubt yourself..you have no reason to hun. You are a beautiful caring mummy x

[MrsFabuloso]

HUGE HUGE hun.
I don't know that I will have much useful advice, but I will give you some of my experience/observations. I am a childcare worker. I worked with a little boy, D (who was 3 when I first started with him) who as diagnosed with a variety of anxiety and OCD issues. When I first started at this centre I was not aware he had issues with anything. Sure, he seemed a bit hypervigilant with things like his bag and people/children sitting too close, he stood back from play with his peers but would sit and play with things with me or another carer, he was very touchy-feely with myself and the other carer (I later found out because he liked us and felt safe with us, so wanted to be close, though to the point of invading our 'space'). There were other things I can't think of now, but he had some very similar issues as your son with anxiety.

D was very settled int he environment of our centre when I started there. He had been attending 3days a week for about 8mths by then. When I later read his personal file and doctors reports, I got the bigger picture. He had been seeing a therapist for a while, his father had severe anxiety and depression. His mum was overly protective because she wanted him to be happy and he was mostly happy with her. But now he was happy with us too. After lots of work and nurturing he was able to happily say goodbye to his mum and then tell her about his great day when he went home. Before he left last year, he had made a niche for himslef with 3 of his peers. He interacted with the group relatively well, he was able sit in the group at story time, have children sit close to him even if they weren't his 'best' friends. He could be away from me and the other carer for the majority of the time.
What I am trying to say is that with some help and time, this little boy was dealing with his anxiety. He was having fun, he had friends, he looked forward to coming to childcare.

I think YOU are the best judge of your son. You and your DH. Not your MIL. She may know him, but she doesn't know him inside out like you do. You also know the signs of anxiety. I think you know what is the right thing to do. And you know what even if you do take him to a therapist of some sort, they can tell you yes or no. Yes he needs more help from a professional, or no he doesn't need help, you're doing a great job! As you said these people are professionals, they won't make matters worse and they can ease your worries, either way.

[Matryoshka]

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[BellyBelly]

A clinical child psychologist... I would also HIGHLY recommend doing the PET course or at least reading the book. Its been brilliant - for the first time my daughter is being really open about her feelings and even thanks me for asking her about her day cos she really wanted to talk about it! My jaw hit the floor LOL Its been brilliant.

[Matryoshka]

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[Mak]

My DD1 is really clingy exhibiting many of the behaviours you described also, I had wondered if it was because she was weaned at 9months (when I caved to pressure from family etc) and because I had let her cry etc where as DD2 (who is pretty chilled out and self sufficient) was BF until she self weaned and coslept until she needed her own space. So almost the complete opposite scenario - apart for the looking for a reason,lol.
I think a huge proportion is innate personality as well as the influence of environment!
I would certainly look at getting your DS assessed as other have suggested but do keep in mind all kids are different and this may be his personality to a degree. Seeking advice on methods to support him and help him develop a good internal dialogue to assist him will make a massive difference to your confidence (FWIW sounds like you are doing a fab job).
DD has just finished her first term of kinder and it has made a massive difference - I cannot describe how much her behaviour and confidence has improved. I have to remind myself she is still really young too.
I can also second Lulu's recommendation of the Bach remedies - has worked wonders here for everyone, from DH down to the stressed out pooch

[Lolli]

Tan, I could have written the bit about the fluff and the screeching as well.

[skeetaboat]

Just when doing his bath, i realised another thing, he started screeching when dh took his socks off, screeching, he does this when something is "wrong". I always say "use words, talk to me". Finally he'll say it, and this time it was "theres fluff in my toes", it was a miniscule amount, and dh got it off. But he kept squealing, "its still there", it wasn't so dh says "its just a shadow" which we think it was because we couldn't see any more fluff. He wasn't happy until dh had over exaggerated wiping off so-called fluff... And i have to do this alot with other idiosyncracies...this is just one example. Does anyone elses child do this? its like over reacting.... i've found the quickest way to deal with it is just doing what he wants, like humouring him (you know wiping his feet again even though theres no fluff)... but i wonder if thats just "feeding" it?

My DS does this too sometimes (usually when tired). I have just been reading "self esteem: a family affair" by Jean Illsley Clarke. Jean calls this way of responding "marshmallowing", and she doesn't recommend it for building self esteem. The response she recommends is being nurturing, but matter of fact or structuring and protecting, ie "Yes, there is some fluff on your toe, but it won't hurt you" (nurturing) or "There is fluff on your foot. It won't hurt you, but if it is bothering you, I know you can think of a way to get it off" (structuring and protecting). Jean argues that marshmallowing sounds supportive but actually fosters dependence and suggests the person (child) can't solve the problem themself. It's quite a good book, highly recommend it.

Since reading it I tell DS "If you want me to help you, please dont ask like this <mimic his request using the same tone/whinging/screeching>, ask me in a nice voice like this <same request in pleasant voice>". That has helped immensely with communication when he gets upset like that. I have also stopped doing anything for him that he can do himself. This has been fantastic. Sometimes now, halfway through a screeching demand, he'll stop, think about what he needs to do to fix the problem, and go do it.