How do you parent a child with anxiety? (long)

[skeetaboat]

well done asking for help.

it's hard when you recognise traits from yourself that you wouldn't wish your child to have. I recently went through something similar (noticed my DS was socially withdrawn, and this is something I do myself). Noticing this in my DS pushed me to address the issues within myself that caused me to isolate myself, be withdrawn, be disengaged and push people away. The process has forced me to work on my "issews", be more mindful, live in the present, and reach out to my loved ones and people around me. Since I did this, about six months ago, I've been much happier. Funnily enough, DS has come out of his shell socially, is no longer withdrawn, and his personality is now really blossoming. Even his day-carer has asked what has happened because he was the shyest boy in her group and is now the most outgoing and boisterous!? Maybe some of that was timing and he would have developed socially anyway, but what I want to share is that I think modelling and environment both have a great deal of influence over which inborn traits are magnified and which are minimised. Of course temperament is a huge factor in anxious traits, but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that some of his anxious thoughts could have been learned ... and therefore can be unlearned! Which is great news! Your DS's fate is not sealed and you have taken the first important step. ETA - reading over that it sounds like I'm blaming you for your DS anxieties, so I just want to clarify that I don't think his anxieties are your fault at all - you have clearly done a great job and are a very dedicated mum!

Anxiety doesn't have to be a life sentence and there are fantastic strategies that a professional can teach you and him to prevent fears (thoughts) from ruling his mind and his behaviour. We can choose to listen to anxious and worring thoughts or we can choose not to. It takes a lot of time and effort to choose not to listen if you always have, but the great news is that he only new to all this and his thoughts and behaviour can be changed a lot more easily than an adult who has been living with anxiety for 2 or 3 decades.

What might have helped you reduce your anxieties as a youngster? What did you need your mum to do for you that she didn't? Perhaps you could spend some time thinking about that as it will probably help guide you in parenting your DS.

It sounds like your anxieties have been quite crippling since you became pregnant with him. I think another thing that will really help him, is for you to get some intensive help. What more powerful way to show him that anxiety does not have to rule his life than to live free of anxiety yourself?

I think the most important thing to remember is to have HOPE. It can and will get better - especially given that you're such a thoughtful mummy who is concerned about this issue and not afraid to ask for help. He will eventually learn to separate from you. He will eventually be less clingy, cope better with change, be able to go to school (I do think it is a good idea to hold him back if he isn't ready. Social and emotional readiness for school is more important than just intellectual readiness).

PS, I also wanted to say that my DS, who isn't an anxious child, also does some of the things you've listed: he demands I (or his dad) do activities with him, resists playing/doing things by himself; wants us to be with him until he falls asleep; hates mess, eg spilt milk when he's eating breakfast, that kind of thing; he also takes a while to warm up to strangers and until recently felt too shy to say hello or goodbye to people. Just saying that to let you know some of those behaviours aren't uncommon, they're developmental and to some degree, also temperamental in that some kids don't 'grow out of' these behaviours as quickly or easily as others.