How do you parent a child with anxiety? (long)

[skeetaboat]

well done asking for help.

it's hard when you recognise traits from yourself that you wouldn't wish your child to have. I recently went through something similar (noticed my DS was socially withdrawn, and this is something I do myself). Noticing this in my DS pushed me to address the issues within myself that caused me to isolate myself, be withdrawn, be disengaged and push people away. The process has forced me to work on my "issews", be more mindful, live in the present, and reach out to my loved ones and people around me. Since I did this, about six months ago, I've been much happier. Funnily enough, DS has come out of his shell socially, is no longer withdrawn, and his personality is now really blossoming. Even his day-carer has asked what has happened because he was the shyest boy in her group and is now the most outgoing and boisterous!? Maybe some of that was timing and he would have developed socially anyway, but what I want to share is that I think modelling and environment both have a great deal of influence over which inborn traits are magnified and which are minimised. Of course temperament is a huge factor in anxious traits, but I don't think it's unreasonable to think that some of his anxious thoughts could have been learned ... and therefore can be unlearned! Which is great news! Your DS's fate is not sealed and you have taken the first important step. ETA - reading over that it sounds like I'm blaming you for your DS anxieties, so I just want to clarify that I don't think his anxieties are your fault at all - you have clearly done a great job and are a very dedicated mum!

Anxiety doesn't have to be a life sentence and there are fantastic strategies that a professional can teach you and him to prevent fears (thoughts) from ruling his mind and his behaviour. We can choose to listen to anxious and worring thoughts or we can choose not to. It takes a lot of time and effort to choose not to listen if you always have, but the great news is that he only new to all this and his thoughts and behaviour can be changed a lot more easily than an adult who has been living with anxiety for 2 or 3 decades.

What might have helped you reduce your anxieties as a youngster? What did you need your mum to do for you that she didn't? Perhaps you could spend some time thinking about that as it will probably help guide you in parenting your DS.

It sounds like your anxieties have been quite crippling since you became pregnant with him. I think another thing that will really help him, is for you to get some intensive help. What more powerful way to show him that anxiety does not have to rule his life than to live free of anxiety yourself?

I think the most important thing to remember is to have HOPE. It can and will get better - especially given that you're such a thoughtful mummy who is concerned about this issue and not afraid to ask for help. He will eventually learn to separate from you. He will eventually be less clingy, cope better with change, be able to go to school (I do think it is a good idea to hold him back if he isn't ready. Social and emotional readiness for school is more important than just intellectual readiness).

PS, I also wanted to say that my DS, who isn't an anxious child, also does some of the things you've listed: he demands I (or his dad) do activities with him, resists playing/doing things by himself; wants us to be with him until he falls asleep; hates mess, eg spilt milk when he's eating breakfast, that kind of thing; he also takes a while to warm up to strangers and until recently felt too shy to say hello or goodbye to people. Just saying that to let you know some of those behaviours aren't uncommon, they're developmental and to some degree, also temperamental in that some kids don't 'grow out of' these behaviours as quickly or easily as others.

[BellyBelly]

Yup thats the one... check out Selective Mutism Group ~ Childhood Anxiety Network — Selective Mutism Group to see if you think it might be that. Has loads of great resources, books and info.

[Matryoshka]

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[mrsmac]

Reading about some of his traits like the fluff thing sounds like he may have some sensory issues, I am no expert but DS has them and I have been reading an awesome book called "The Out of sync child" which Christy lent me and a a lot of it has lightbulb moments for me.

I think you are a great mother, if you weren't yu would be ignoring this not working your butt off to help him.

[Matryoshka]

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[Matryoshka]

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[Matryoshka]

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[thepixie]

Sweetheart you know him best, you have seen all the behaviour you described in so much detail in your original post. You're his mum, in your heart you know something isn't right, and you believe that someone must be able to help him, and you.
Maybe you can say you just want to have him checked out and if nothing is wrong they will be proved right and it can all be forgotten. If he does need some kind of early intervention then at least he is on that pathway. I know that they are family but you and DH are his parents it's up to you to make the decisions that you believe are in his best interests. It doesn't mean you don't respect them, it just means you agree to disagree. Don't doubt yourself.

[StrawberryMumma]

Oh sweety
MILs seem to always have a way of making silly comments Be strong honey, and like thepixie says don't doubt yourself..you have no reason to hun. You are a beautiful caring mummy x

[BellyBelly]

If it is SM, you should never pressure, bribe or force them to talk. It only makes the anxiety to perform worse.

If you can get to a library or get a copy of the selective mutism book sooner to have a read and see if that might be it, sounds like there are some signs there. I didn't go to a psychiatrist at all, just a child psychologist. Be wary of the push for meds. They don't need it. Unfortunately sometimes they need time to get through this, now my daughter is 8 she is starting to initiate conversations with confidence to people she knows, family friends and family members. The best thing I did was work on how I was coping with it as it made it worse. You dont want them to see their behaviour causing you more anxiety... acceptance of what is, is so important. Ignore the others. I had loads of family and friends tell me SM was a joke, just shyness or I should push her to get on with it. I'd much rather help my child develop comfortably and well, than push when I shouldn't and mess them up or drag it out.

[skeetaboat]

I agree with thepixie.. you know him best and you've described in detail some behaviors that are causing concern. There is NO harm in seeking out professional advice about how to help him through it! (I agree with Bellybelly that it's wise to be wary of meds. I think this is a learning curve rather than a chemical one). Maybe your MIL is a bit defensive - that seems like a "there's nothing wrong with MY genes, it must be YOUR parenting!" kind of reaction.

My mum is a wonderful support person, always helping out with the children etc. Often we don't see eye to eye on things and she makes sly comments, so there are some things that I just don't share with her any more. That works well for me. What she doesn't know, she can't get offended about, hehe!! Maybe that could work for you too since MIL is one of your only support persons.

it sounds like you've had a real battle with PND. I'm sure as you climb up out of it, you'll see some changes in your son too. It probably has been a bit difficult for him (which is in NO WAY YOUR FAULT), but things will get better. Is the support/treatment you're getting for your PND helping you? How are you going with it now?

Don't take her comments on board. They're not helpful and therefore best ignored.

[MrsFabuloso]

HUGE HUGE hun.
I don't know that I will have much useful advice, but I will give you some of my experience/observations. I am a childcare worker. I worked with a little boy, D (who was 3 when I first started with him) who as diagnosed with a variety of anxiety and OCD issues. When I first started at this centre I was not aware he had issues with anything. Sure, he seemed a bit hypervigilant with things like his bag and people/children sitting too close, he stood back from play with his peers but would sit and play with things with me or another carer, he was very touchy-feely with myself and the other carer (I later found out because he liked us and felt safe with us, so wanted to be close, though to the point of invading our 'space'). There were other things I can't think of now, but he had some very similar issues as your son with anxiety.

D was very settled int he environment of our centre when I started there. He had been attending 3days a week for about 8mths by then. When I later read his personal file and doctors reports, I got the bigger picture. He had been seeing a therapist for a while, his father had severe anxiety and depression. His mum was overly protective because she wanted him to be happy and he was mostly happy with her. But now he was happy with us too. After lots of work and nurturing he was able to happily say goodbye to his mum and then tell her about his great day when he went home. Before he left last year, he had made a niche for himslef with 3 of his peers. He interacted with the group relatively well, he was able sit in the group at story time, have children sit close to him even if they weren't his 'best' friends. He could be away from me and the other carer for the majority of the time.
What I am trying to say is that with some help and time, this little boy was dealing with his anxiety. He was having fun, he had friends, he looked forward to coming to childcare.

I think YOU are the best judge of your son. You and your DH. Not your MIL. She may know him, but she doesn't know him inside out like you do. You also know the signs of anxiety. I think you know what is the right thing to do. And you know what even if you do take him to a therapist of some sort, they can tell you yes or no. Yes he needs more help from a professional, or no he doesn't need help, you're doing a great job! As you said these people are professionals, they won't make matters worse and they can ease your worries, either way.