How do you parent a child with anxiety? (long)

[Matryoshka]

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[BellyBelly]

A clinical child psychologist... I would also HIGHLY recommend doing the PET course or at least reading the book. Its been brilliant - for the first time my daughter is being really open about her feelings and even thanks me for asking her about her day cos she really wanted to talk about it! My jaw hit the floor LOL Its been brilliant.

[Matryoshka]

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[Mak]

My DD1 is really clingy exhibiting many of the behaviours you described also, I had wondered if it was because she was weaned at 9months (when I caved to pressure from family etc) and because I had let her cry etc where as DD2 (who is pretty chilled out and self sufficient) was BF until she self weaned and coslept until she needed her own space. So almost the complete opposite scenario - apart for the looking for a reason,lol.
I think a huge proportion is innate personality as well as the influence of environment!
I would certainly look at getting your DS assessed as other have suggested but do keep in mind all kids are different and this may be his personality to a degree. Seeking advice on methods to support him and help him develop a good internal dialogue to assist him will make a massive difference to your confidence (FWIW sounds like you are doing a fab job).
DD has just finished her first term of kinder and it has made a massive difference - I cannot describe how much her behaviour and confidence has improved. I have to remind myself she is still really young too.
I can also second Lulu's recommendation of the Bach remedies - has worked wonders here for everyone, from DH down to the stressed out pooch

[Lolli]

Tan, I could have written the bit about the fluff and the screeching as well.

[skeetaboat]

Just when doing his bath, i realised another thing, he started screeching when dh took his socks off, screeching, he does this when something is "wrong". I always say "use words, talk to me". Finally he'll say it, and this time it was "theres fluff in my toes", it was a miniscule amount, and dh got it off. But he kept squealing, "its still there", it wasn't so dh says "its just a shadow" which we think it was because we couldn't see any more fluff. He wasn't happy until dh had over exaggerated wiping off so-called fluff... And i have to do this alot with other idiosyncracies...this is just one example. Does anyone elses child do this? its like over reacting.... i've found the quickest way to deal with it is just doing what he wants, like humouring him (you know wiping his feet again even though theres no fluff)... but i wonder if thats just "feeding" it?

My DS does this too sometimes (usually when tired). I have just been reading "self esteem: a family affair" by Jean Illsley Clarke. Jean calls this way of responding "marshmallowing", and she doesn't recommend it for building self esteem. The response she recommends is being nurturing, but matter of fact or structuring and protecting, ie "Yes, there is some fluff on your toe, but it won't hurt you" (nurturing) or "There is fluff on your foot. It won't hurt you, but if it is bothering you, I know you can think of a way to get it off" (structuring and protecting). Jean argues that marshmallowing sounds supportive but actually fosters dependence and suggests the person (child) can't solve the problem themself. It's quite a good book, highly recommend it.

Since reading it I tell DS "If you want me to help you, please dont ask like this <mimic his request using the same tone/whinging/screeching>, ask me in a nice voice like this <same request in pleasant voice>". That has helped immensely with communication when he gets upset like that. I have also stopped doing anything for him that he can do himself. This has been fantastic. Sometimes now, halfway through a screeching demand, he'll stop, think about what he needs to do to fix the problem, and go do it.

[kelebek]

I can see why you want to 'blame' something. I do agree with PP that your DS would be much worse if you weren't so gentle.

DS was born via emergency c/section and due to breathing problems was in a humidicrib for 12 hrs... I got to hold his hand for about an hour (cause it was midnight) but didn't cuddle or feed him until he was over 12 hrs old. I am still bf and while DS starts off the night in his own bed we co-sleep from the first wakeup and feed a few times overnight still. So while I wouldn't say I parent exactly the same as you did for L I do feel it is similar to how you parent. DS is a very social and independant child (we don't go to playgroup and he has never been in childcare) I think his personality has as much to do with it as my parenting.

No words of wisdom on how to guide your sensitive boy but hope the options already suggested help.

[YoYo]

I, like everyone else don't think it has anything to do with your parenting.

My DS has some similar traits, doesn't really talk unless he is comfortable first, doesn't want to do anything on his own...I have to sit there and do it with him. I was also told that I needed to 'let him go' when he was younger, but I didn't think it was right due to the way HE was....and I don't think it was ME that made him that way, it is his personality, and I was strong enough to not let people convince me otherwise.

My DH has anxiety issues too....and I don't think he was parented in a way that nurtured that in him, which I find sad. DS is just like DH and I just make sure that I don't parent DS the same as MIL did to DH! MIL is not a bad mother though, just didn't handle things the way that I would of.

You sound like you are doing everything in your power to make sure that your DS is OK with the world and what more can you do? You can take him to see someone and that will perhaps clarify things for you that the way he is is not because of the way you parent him. To me, you sound like an absolute wonderful Mother.