I don't know if this is the right spot for my question, so apologies if my post needs to be moved.

My DS is 2 weeks old. I love him dearly, but he's SUCH a handful. He had a very traumatic birth, and I wonder if this has anything to do with it. He seems to want to be held all the time, which just isn't possible if I'm asleep. I've actually taken to sleeping upright, and wrapping a blanket around us both keeping him firmly attached to my body so I don't have to worry about dropping him. He loves it. Me, not so much.

Lately I find myself wondering why I wanted this so badly. Is that wrong? I feel sick even thinking it. When it's just the two of us in the middle of the night and he's screaming for hours, I find myself saying things I regret. Like shut up, etc. I feel angry sometimes when he wakes up only 20 minutes after being put down. Don't get me wrong I would never do anything to hurt him................. but I just feel disconnected at times and like I'm being punished. First the difficult birth, and the experience with the hospital afterwards, now the demanding baby I just can't seem to settle at night. This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and I find myself just wishing he was a little older. It's like the whole 'new baby' thing has been ruined for me by what happened during and after his birth.

Is this what PND is like? I'm confused. I feel alright during the daytime, it's just at night. When the screaming starts, I just cry and wish I could put him back in my belly so it can be quiet again.

I feel like an awful mother for even thinking these things. He's such a beautiful boy, so adorable. It's not that I don't love him, but I feel like I should love him MORE. What's wrong with me?? I have the contact details of a counsellor from the hospital. Is it time to contact her? I'm really not the 'counselling' type, and mostly just work through things on my own................................. but I'm worrying that I'm not bonding with my baby properly, and the fact that I resent the crying is alarming.



I feel like a failure.