The wonderful women before me have offered you lots of advice and, as it's been a long time since I have had a newborn in the house, I wont add anything other than to say this.....
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE
I underlined it because I cannot say it emphatically enough.
Even though you say you "are not the counselling type" I urge you to ring the hospital counsellor to make an appointment to see him/her. From reading your post there are a lot of things which are weighing heavily on your mind about the birth. With your little one being so unsettled, compounded by a lack of sleep, this is not going to go away quickly. And, honestly sweetie, the loss of your precious little Shelby probably is adding a lot of pressure to the situation. Even if you are not aware of it. You REALLY need to work with someone who is a professional in this area.
Please, please, please ring the counsellor right now. You dont need to feel like this. You deserve better and there is help available.
This too shall pass x
In the meantime, this old chook would like to give you one of these
Your feelings are completely normal and valid hun....okay, I havn't read your birth story, some of the things that I can think of - a chiropractor who specialises in babies - sometimes a traumatic birth can leave babies feeling uncomfortable so they can't settle, does he pull his legs up and squirm around, Brauers Stomach Calm or Brauers Colic can work wonders, having his cot raised at one end if it is a reflux issue. Slings are great for getting things done and bub being close to you so he can sleep. And, you need to look after yourself too, talk to your MCHN if she's an approachable type or contact your hospital to speak to someone there, it really helps to get it out and realise that what you are feeling is normal but also they have coping strategies too to get you through this difficult time. Hugs. xxx
Ok, just went and read your other two threads first, and think I should say that I am utterly horrified!
But, even with that, I will say that you are going through fairly normal sleep deprivation from what I remember. It is incredibly horribly evil and turns you into someone you do not like. I had somewhat similar problems with Diva. She was incredibly clingy. She would tolerate sitting in her bouncer or pram for about 10 minutes a day - never all at once. Once I got her off to sleep if I tried to put her down her eyes would snap open and she would start screaming for ages and I couldn't console her.
And you do just want sleep. 5 minutes peace. The ability to type with two hands, or even simple things like make food, have a shower and go to the toilet without hearing the baby screaming in the background. Even as a master of the sneak away, she would wake up after only 1 sleep cycle and it would start again.
The best I can suggest is to get a slightly larger cloth to swaddle him in. I could get her to calm down and sleep a little longer in a decent swaddle. I guess it made her feel more secure. I would then place a shirt or jumper I had worn near her. The smell of me near by offered a little bit more comfort and she would sleep a little longer.
You will get through this. Heck, if you got through THAT hospital, you and your son will be fine, and will bond. Just remember that in those times where it is tough, you have to love them just a little bit more.
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