I shouldn't have googled!

[Inanna]

Well as the mother of 5 my experience couldn't have been more different than the authors!

All transitions & big moments in our life no matter how wanted bring stress & anxiety. It's about recognising that from my perspective. It's about setting yourself up for support & success not failure. Things sometimes don't go how we expect. In fact they often don't go how we expect. However planning for success & putting energy into the positivity of that is necessary if we want a positive outcome. If we lament and worry about all that "could" go wrong then we are setting ourselves up for a less favourable outcome. Educate yourself about all angles but choose the angle that feels positive and focus on how to acheive that.

I personally (& I accept not all hold my belief) believe that one of the biggest obstacles to siblings being open & accepting of a new baby is taking the older children out of the birthing equation. Birth I believe is important for children to be a part of. Children fear only that which they are shielded from. It's like the monster under the bed - you can tell them it's not there or to go to sleep and not be so silly... But when they climb out of bed holding your hand and lie on the floor with you under the bed they get that it is scary to take that step but not as scary as the unknown. When we shield our children from the inevitable (for many) physical pain of birth, assuming they will be terrified we neglect to educate our babies on stepping up to fear, pain and coping, dealing and riding it.

When kids are involved they are statistically more welcoming of their new brother/sister & are less likely to suffer jealousy & anger at the new child.

I think it's unnatural for mama to disappear into the night and then they are brought up the next day to a neatly wrapped baby that is introduced as their sister/brother!

We all know the bonding difficulties that "some" women feel when they have a surgical birth or a medical birth or the baby is taken away without a cuddle and a meet and greet... It's the same for siblings.(in my opinion)

As for coping with another child. It's a juggle but one that we find our groove with. Lots of village support for plays with the older child, meals in the freezer, maybe someone to help with the washing and the cleaning for a few months... This sets us up for an easier transition.

It's near impossible to Mother well alone. We all need our fuel. For some it's someone to do the housework. For some it's someoen to hold the baby so you can cook a yummy meal as you long to be back in front of your cooker. For some it's someone to walk the baby so youcan sleep for just an hour or two. For some it's facilitating Mama to go to the cinema or out for coffee. These things give us our fuel to keep going and going stronger.

Kindness and acceptance that sometimes we all fall in a heap and go Whoa! We all do. It's okay, it's how we deal with the whoa! We need to treat ourselves with the kindness we treat our babies. Know that we will do less than we hoped sometimes but othe sky won't fall because of it!

Good luck on your journey my love - this story is one woman's experience. Not all women experience a second birth this way...

As for the most dangerous thing a woman can do? I beg to differ... I reckon you have more chance of dying in a car crash on your way to Kmart than you do dying in childbirth in this country...

[Inanna]

My post took a while and others posted in the meantime...

I just want to say perhaps it might be helpful to look at guilt differently. Human beings thrive in negotiating and sharing and learning how to do that. An only child gets it all - lots of attention and time. It's natural. My oldest is still an attention seeker - always wanting the lime light. However, she has learnt to share and to negotiate because she has 4 siblings. She has learned not to be so selfish & she is stretched to think of others... As are her siblings. To me that is a far greater gift than having me all to herself and not knowing what it means to stretch and grow in a family.

I understand the guilt but let's balance it up with the gains too!

[Heaven]

I understand the guilt but let's balance it up with the gains too!

Good point. I guess at the moment it's hard because I can't imagine the gains, can't imagine how I will love another baby this much too. So I'm left being scared of the guilt! I guess I will find out one day what it's like and I shouldn't worry too much, but it's hard not too! And I feel bad for the second baby because maybe I won't be as happy and excited as I was when having DD bc I will also be worried about it.

OP-I hope DD will still be BF! That's another thing I worry about as you know. I don't want pregnancy to make her stop BF as it does with lots of babies coz then it feels like I'm already putting the new baby ahead of her iykwim. But she is booby crazy! So if anyone was not going to wean during pg it would be her! lol.

[Inanna]

It is very very difficult sometimes to imagine loving another as much as your first baby! I think that's something all parents consider. Remember though love is not quantative! There is an abundant supply. Your heart grows bigger with each child - it truly does!

I tandem fed some of my babies. My first daughter fed for approx 3 years and there is 5 and a bit years between her and my son...

Each baby brings different lessons. the next baby will bring lessons about sharing time & love among others. She or he will be a different person with different needs and attributes. It truly will all work out just the way it's meant to...

[Willow]

I agree with Trish - I think the authors feelings are extreme, but I do see where she's coming from. I found the adjustment from one to two children very challenging. But to be honest, I think that was mainly due to my headspace. DS1 was an IVF bub, we'd lost our second child and despite knowing I was at risk of doing so, I bought into the whole 'won't life be rosy and beautiful once I get this baby home safely??!!' Well it was hardly rosy with the sleep deprivation and trying to juggle a newborn and a toddler I got angry at DD for waking the baby who did not sleep well to start with, and I had moments I'm not proud of but I NEVER loved her any less. In fact i have very strong memories of sitting on the couch bawling and Dh asking me why. I said "because I miss her so much" he said "but she's right here?!" and I said "not for me she's not. she's right here for everyone else but not for me because I'm always with the baby'. It was very hard.

I can really relate to what she said about your 'baby' suddenly seeming so big and grown up when the next child arrives. I have had that experience both times and it is sad for me! But you learn to enjoy the change in dynamic, the toddler taking their new place as a 'big boy/girl' and welcoming the new baby of the family.

My DS1 was also booby crazy and he did NOT wean during pregnancy and I am still tandem feeding him and his 7mo brother

Good news is going from 2 to 3 has been a breeze

[skybie]

i thought my DD1 had grown enormously when i saw her after having DD2, i think its because we spend so long transfixed on this tiny little baby that when we see our other kids its like wow! u really are big hey?

my feelings towards DD1 didnt change in the slightest, i actually started to appreciate her more because i never realised all the things she could do for herself, yes she still wants my undivided attention, yes she still needs me to do things for her, but it wasnt nearly as bad as ithought it was going to be.

I went through the same, how is it even possible for me to lve another child the same way i love my first. let me tell u, u can, i never though it would be possible but it certainly is, i loved her before she was born but the second i laid eyes on her, that was it! i was head over heels in love with her. and nothings changed since, only more love in this house.

It is scary, but definetly doable hun, if DF would let me, i'd have 10 kids because the kind of love that kids give u and that u have ur kids is sooooo extrodinary

[*EJ*]

I will be back to read the article because i've got a cake to make but i just have to say...

When DS1 was 6 months or so and i started thinking about havng another one the thought that i could never love another child the same as him crossed my mind plenty.

But i always wanted to have another one so DS1 would have a sibling.

Today my DS2 turns 1 and i must say that i am proud of myself for getting through the first year of being the mother to TWO beautiful boys. I think i've done a pretty good job at showing them equally the same amount of love and attention and have such happy little boys for being able to do this.

What i'm saying is yes the thought is overwhelming but it's amazing the strength we have as a human being/mother and you will be able to do it. It can have it's difficult times but during and after you always look at your precious gifts and think to yourself how you'd never ever change a thing.

You will make the right choice for you and your family i'm sure

[OceanPrincess]

Inanna, great posts, thank you! I'd always been dead against having other kids there at the birth but you have put a fresh perspective on it... thank you.

Heaven - yep, LOL, if any baby does not wean it will be your DD

FWIW - DD is showing no signs of wanting to give up her morning and evening feeds... I'm 24wks now...

[Nai]

Great points Inanna! While DD1 wasn't involved with the birth, she was very involved with the pregnancy and was included in all appointments. She even helped the ob with the doppler and blood pressure thing.

[Just Me]

The little girl who walked through the door, nervously holding her father's hand; who scrambled up on to the hospital bed and threw herself on top of me in a wholehearted embrace, was not the child I'd said goodbye to two days before. A bizarre metamorphosis had occurred. She looked huge, suddenly. No longer a little girl at all. Compared to the baby's delicate limbs, her toddler hands and feet seemed enormous. Compared to his newborn fragility, her chunky vitality seemed almost menacing. In the space of just 48 hours my eye had become, shockingly, unaccustomed to her.

I am going to be completely honest and say that this is EXACTLY how I felt about my DD1 when DS was born. She was staying with my mum and we went to pick her up on the way home from the hospital and it was like I was looking at a stranger. It was so strange. On top of that, she had bearly slept for the 5 days I was in hospital (DS was induced and it took 3 days for him to be born and I didn't want to see her while I was being induced because I was in a bad way) though I spent a lot of that 3 days crying because I missed her so much (she was only 12 months old).

Because she hadn't slept, she was different in her behaviour as well. It was just such a relief to get home.

Those feelings only lasted as long as my baby blues with DS which was about 24 hours. After that I adjusted and started to really enjoy having 2 beautiful babies. They have brought me so much joy. We have had so many gorgeous moments with them because they are together. I have a great relationship with both DD1 and DS and I don't think those initial feelings have had any long lasting impact. I did make an effort to do lots of stuff with DD1 as soon as I got home from hospital and enjoyed her a great deal.

I was actually surprised how much easier I found DD1 after DS was born. She was a great help to me with him and very interested in him. When he was about 2 months old, she started to play with him. Even though she was only 14 months at the time, she would crouch down behind his toys during tummy time and jump up and yell 'boo'. They are just so amazing together. They are great buddies and entertain each other a lot. They always have someone else to play with and I think it is great!

I have since had DD2 and wondered if I would have similar feelings but this time I didn't feel anything like that. I was only away from my babies for a day this time (I had a c-section and didn't cope well in recovery so I didn't see anyone on the first day). I was so excited to see them when they came to visit and cried when they left the hospital.

Was going to write more but DD2 just woke up and is crying so have to go. Be back later

[black_rose]

Google is not your friend!! As DH says you can find anything you want to find on google to support your views it just may not be true!

As a mum to 2 girls I wondered how I would feel about DD1, she was my little premmie and very special to me. But I have found it to be wonderful she loves being involved with DD2, and she got very close to DH as he would take her out and play with her if I was breastfeeding DD2. I have totally bonded with DD2, I love her just as much and its amazing watch her exprience life as its so different from DD1.

Recently we put DD2 into daycare so I could have a day with DD1, we have her swimming lessons and the rest of the day she chooses what we do, its a great expreience, we get to share one on one time, I don't know if she was feeling left out but she loves our days together now she gets excited when say its mummy and DD1 day tomorrow. I do the same for DD2 and hope to juggle another day so bub no 3 has the same opportunity, its getting epensive but its worth it it means I can really appreciate each child and give them lots of attention for a day.

[fionas]

I'm not there yet but I think a hearty dose of perspective is in order when it comes to this sort of thing, otherwise I too, would worry myself silly.

I worry about whether I will love Baby 2 as much as DD because in my eyes, DD is THE perfect child. Not perfect for everyone but perfect for DP and I - funny, outgoing, mischievous, noisy, active. If I'd had to describe all the attributes that I wanted my perfect child to have, DD has them. It's unlikely that Baby No. 2 will be the same so logically, I worry that I won't feel the same.

But you know what? Pfffffft. Whatever. Whenever I need perspective on life/death, I just remind myself that hey, I'm not that special. Billions of people have done this and in most cases it works out fine.

But I am glad that I read the article because it's like a flag to me that feeling a bit off towards DD1 (if that happens) is normal.

I remember reading an article before I had DD saying that it's normal NOT to feel that instant mother-baby outpouring of love so I didn't worry when I had DD and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was fascinated with her for a couple of weeks but loving her certainly wasn't instant. And look at me now. Can't even go somewhere in the car without having the passenger mirror thing down so I can gaze at her all the way. And she's two and a half. RIdiculous.

[Laiceysmummy]

After reading that i have realised i could very well be the women writting that! I loved my DD1 soooooo much, she was my everything, then i had DD2, while i still loved DD1 she did seem to be going out of her way to annoy me. Many people said it was attention seeking but i didnt believe it. After reading that, I now know that it was! I feel so horrible, i snap at her as well and then feel so horrible that when she is asleep ill hop into bed with her and cuddle, to try and make it up to her for being cranky with her. I will try and make more of an effort to show her how special she is to me.

[MantaRay]

I think all mums worry about how another baby will affect their first, and also wonder how they could possibly have enough love for a second baby. I definitely did. Then someone gave me a poem, which I wish I still had to share with you. It described my feelings like they knew me, then went on to talk about how the new baby brought their own bucket of love with them. There was no need to share the love for the first child, because there was another pool of love for the new baby. It was beautiful.

Then my second DS arrived and it did take me longer to bond with him, but I think that was more because he arrived very unexpectedly - 4 weeks early and a 3 hour labour - and it took me a little while to get back on track. My brain didn't quite catch up to what had happened straight away. DS1 was fantastic with his brother from the first day. He loved the baby, and didn't seem to feel threatened or replaced. The only thing that upset him was that I was in hossy for 5 days (as DS2 was early and they wanted to keep him in longer as a precaution). We had explained all about the new baby to DS1 while I was pg, but forgot to talk about mummy being away for a few days

Now I see my boys always playing together. Nearly every photo of them has them hugging each other or holding hands. They are such great friends. Whatever DS1 has missed out on by having a sibling, he has gained 10 fold in having a sibling.

I think everyone's experience will be different. But there is no need for a new baby to be a negative thing. I already know you as a great mum who is determined to do the right thing, and responsive to the needs of your DD. This won't change with another baby - you will still be you, and you will still do what you need to meet the needs of your DD1 and any siblings she may have in the future.

[*Infinity*]

However, she has learnt to share and to negotiate because she has 4 siblings. She has learned not to be so selfish & she is stretched to think of others... As are her siblings. To me that is a far greater gift than having me all to herself and not knowing what it means to stretch and grow in a family.

I understand the guilt but let's balance it up with the gains too!

So beautifully said Inanna.

Heaven I can definitely relate to your post, however I can't share any experience of bringing bub #2 into the mix....yet! Before I confirmed this pregnancy, I sort of just *knew* I was UTD...I was just too scared to POAS for a few days, and spent a very restless few days & nights freaking out over the prospect of another bub. I was stuck in thoughts & feelings about betraying my gorgeous DS - how could I introduce another little person to the mix when he needs me so much and still will into the future? How will he cope? Will he retaliate or resent me?

And then I did the test, confirmed I was pregnant - and those thoughts changed. Almost instantly. I don't know if it was because I had the concrete answer to the "am I UTD, aren't I?" question. Or whether something inside just clicked those thoughts about guilt & betrayal over into thoughts of excitement and anticipation about how much of a gift baby number two truly is.

DP and I focus our thoughts on how much of a priviledge it is to grow our little family unit. We're slightly packing it about having two so young and close together - but you know what - I truly can't think of having a greater challenge or purpose right now in life. What makes me smile the most is imagining DS with a little brother or sister - growing up together, learning, exploring the world. Teaching us new things and challenging how we view the world. I'm sure we'll have days where everything gets turned upside down in lots of ways, but I guess I'd have those with one, two or ten children.

We'll see how we go when #2 arrives....I know my outlook ATM is probably through rosy coloured glasses - but I'm focussing on keeping it positive. We have a lot of great things to look forward to.