treating chidlren equally

**Roryrory** · January 19th, 2008, 04:46 AM

OK, so I will admit, this is a bit of a dumb thing to have only just realised, but in my defence I am an only child so have never had to deal with this sort of thing on a personal level.

DH is one of four and his mum always compared her children and pitted them agaist eachother academically, so DH and I have been amadant we would not do that with our children. They would not be compared to eachother (at least not to their faces - I know all parents would do this privately) and as much as possible (allowing for differences in age/temparament/etc) we would treat them equally. To my only-child mind this seemed the perfect solution - I have even been really careful to be "equal" and even-handed in the amount of effort I make in keeping their baby memorabillia and diaries. I BF Flynn til he was 9 months old when I got pg with Ollie and I want to BF Ollie to 12 months at least and even that little "difference" was something that was troubling me.

But the other day I was looking at Ollie and he has the bluest blue eyes. I suspect they will stay that way - my mum and both DH's parents (and DH) have blue eyes. Flynn and I have brown eyes. Anyways, I was looking at Ollie and at his lovely blue eyes and I suddenly thought "what if one of my boys is better looking than the other?" I went on to think one could be smarter, taller, faster, better at sport, more popular, etc - the list goes on!

And it occurred to me that here I am trying to treat them "equally" when the hand they were dealt genetically and their experiences of the world was something I had no control over. I wasn't going to be able to make sure they were "equal". I couldn't make them both as popular/unpopular as the other, as sporty, as bright, as polite. There would be things that would "hurt" one (such as stopping BF Flynn at 9 months) that I wouldn't want replicated for the other.

I have so little control over whether they have happy lives! My poor little babies are going to go to school one day and I can't make people like them!

Now it probably sounds like I am over-protective and I am not - I let Flynn have tanties when I stop him driving cars on our leather couch, I settle Ollie in his cot because I refuse to have a baby I have to carry to sleep, I let Flynn fall over (when "safe") when I can see a tumble coming. But this whole emotional protection thing is something I didn't expect - I really thought I could "ensure" that they could be "equal" in most respects.

There goes Flynnie, waking up. Better go - that is the joys of motherhood I guess!

**Snacks** · January 19th, 2008, 05:26 AM

Oh, it is tough, isn't it. There will be things that we can't protect them from, and that scares me silly too.
My mum was always concerned about treating my brother, sister and I equally (not sure if her parents had favourites - perhaps I shall ask her) but while we were growing up my sister was always prettier, thinner, smarter and more popular than me. That was in high school, and I don't think it affected me a great deal, really. We were still good mates. And now, none of those things matter to me.
It certainly didn't affect the way my mum treated us, however. (I'm talking about my mum because my Dad just wasn't around much when we were kids.) Now, I often think she prefers talking to my sister... But I think that's because my sister's rather like my Dad in personality (mum and I agree on this) and my brother and I are more like my mum in some ways (we haven't discussed this one

) which I reckon draws mum more to my sister. In saying that, mum still makes a huge effort with me and it is obvious to me that she loves us all. TBH, I reckon that's all she can do, and I'm grateful for it.
Your kids will know that you love them for who they are, particularly because you will be the solid support in their lives, regardless of how different they will be from each other.

**aussienic** · January 19th, 2008, 05:30 AM

I have so little control over whether they have happy lives! My poor little babies are going to go to school one day and I can't make people like them!

That is the hardest thikng I have faced as a mum.. when your son comes home and says he is sad cus no one likes him and starts crying.. by the way when they come home saying that check with his teachers.. Ethan was fine he just had one bad day and apparently is popular at school but this mummy cried herself to sleep that night..

and as for treating your children equeally... you won't.. you treat them differently.

I am not bery good at putting things into words but I do know where you are coming from.. Basically we just sit back and relax and deal with the situation as needed not the child kwim??

Enjoy this crazy ride of more then one child

mum3girls · January 19th, 2008, 06:03 AM

The best advice I can think of is to just love your kids as much as possible (and then some

). At the end of the day, both your kids are individuals who will have different experiences and different temperaments, personalities, etc. The one thing that they will remember more than anything is how loved they felt by you and their father. One child might feel love through being hugged and kissed a lot, the other may like their space, and much prefer to be told how much you adore them. Or spending time with them, or the many other dIfferent ways of showing your child how much they mean to you.

On an a personal note, the breastfeeding issue really stuck a chord with me. I have two older girls from a previous relationship (turning 10 and 11) that I breastfed for approx. 2 months each. I was very young, and there were other circumstances that did not support my breastfeeding attempts. I am currently still feeding my almost 17 month old daughter, and hope we can keep going until she is 2. This is in no way indicative of my relationships with any of my daughters - it's just how life played out. And from talking to my older daughters about breastfeeding, and how difficult it was for me with them, and educating them about breastfeeding, I honestly feel that they have no problems with the difference in how long I fed them for compared to their little sister. They see 'boobie time' as a way of providing nutrition for bubby of course, and spending special time between mummy and baby, but they know that this is not restricted to the relationship between a breastfeeding mum and bub. I spend special time with all of the girls, individually, and together. And our relationships have grown and developed based on their individualities, and mine, and our love for each other.

Sorry, this has become an essay - the joy of having a baby sleep in when she usually doesn't

The one quote that keeps popping into my mind is something I heard on Oprah once (

yes I know the irony of quoting someone who doesn't have kids, but it is really thought-provoking) - "Do your eyes light up when your child enters the room?"

**Sammiejane** · January 19th, 2008, 06:03 AM

Hi - i agree with aussienic, you wont treat them the same, and that is purely because they are different people and have different needs.
My sister and I were treated fairly but not the same, how could we be, although there is only 16mths between us, there were so many differences and to treat us in the same way would have been unfair. I always thought that my sister (younger) was treated better and allowed to do things earlier (i still half joking whinge to Mum that she should have made my sister wait another 2 years before getting her ears pierced - i had to wait until i was 14, but she got them done on the same day!).. that was just a petty little thing really - but if my sister was treated the same as me she would not be where she is now, she found growing up really hard and was given allowances that i was not - i needed to be pushed and have limits set - she needed more flexible gounds otherwise she would have left or rebelled...
Anyway what i am trying to say is, dont feel bad about treating them differently as they need to be to a point (favouritism is something different) as they are different people and will have different needs to develop into who they will eventually ecome.

DSS has had some awful times at school and it breaks our heart when he comes home sad because noone will play with him, but i rememebr being bullied at times too - looking back it must have been really hard for Mum, but she just provided us with the love and support that we needed at home and reasurred us that we were good people etc.
I am rambling now - sorry

I hope this helps Goodluck

**Trish** · January 19th, 2008, 06:03 AM

Rory, you are so right hun. We do have no power over whether or not people like our children.
However, what we do have power over is how we bring them up. If we bring our children up to be respectful, well manner and generally just nice people, then others will like them.

I breastfed both Joel and Brandon until they were 9 months old. So no difference there. They are both different people though. While Joel looks very much like my side of the family, is very out going, sporty and has a huge circle of friends. Brandon on the other hand looks so much like his father. His temperament is like his dad's, he would prefer to be home on the computer than out playing a game of footy. Both of my big boys are gorgeous to me of course, Yet it is Joel that get's the compliments. Brandon is just the sweeter boy, more affectionate.

Noah and Tehya are again different children, and as such also need to be treated accordingly. I don't think you can truelly treat them the same or equally all of the time as what works with one child won't always work with the other. YKWIM ?

I notice this alot in my DP and it p's me off to no end. He is very hands on and has spolit Noah from day 1, Noah could say Daddy will you jump and daddy will say sure Noah, how high and do you want backflips with that ? Of course not literally. He still does way too much for Noah in my eyes. While he see's it as being a loving dad (which he is) he is making Noah more dependant on him and less independant.

Tehya on the other hand is a very independant and strong headed little girl. Now DP does very little for her in the way of helping her out as she is "capable" sure she is, she actually wants to do things for herself. She will do well in this world, I can see that now. Just so long as she can curb her temper. DP get's easily angered with Tehya, he expects so much from her. And she is not yet 3. Why, because she can do it. And Noah will just sit back and let others do it for him.

Hmm think I went a little over board there. But can you see what I was getting at. Try as hard as we might we will never be able to treat our kids equally. We will however always love them just the same.

**Roryrory** · January 19th, 2008, 07:11 AM

Thanks heaps girls

mum still makes a huge effort with me and it is obvious to me that she loves us all

they will remember more than anything is how loved they felt by you and their father

Snacks and Mum3girls, I was thinking about this when I was at the shops this morning with Flynn - I guess if children feel like they are equally loved that is all you can do and is what really counts.

Trish, LOL at Teyha, is she more like your DH than Noah? Maybe that is why he is hard on her - she reminds him of himself? I know I laugh at my stubborn DH and Flynnie!

Sammiejane and Nic I guess you are both right in that we will have to treat the boys differently - I suppose that is part of parenting each child according to their needs, rather than according to some pre-conceived notion of how they should be.

And it is crazy with more than one! I mean, not just the time it takes but the tearing in different directions. I wouldn't have it any other way though

**Trish** · January 19th, 2008, 07:16 AM

Sadly, no Rory. It's the other way around. Noah is like him and Tehya is more like myself and my mum. Stubborn, strong willed and hot headed.

Try it 5 differeny ways hun. There's a piece of you all over the house. Oh and let's not forget the males part of us as well.

**Liz** · January 19th, 2008, 07:34 AM

I know what you mean Rory, but like everyone says, each child is going to have their own experiences, their own personality etc etc.

I'm probably not feeling it as much as you, coz we have a boy & a girl, so of course their lives will be completely different. I'd probably feel a little similar to you tho if we had 2 boys.

I do tho find it funny that people hold off having their next baby coz they don't want to take attention or whatever away from their first. What about the poor second child who will have had a sibling to share attention with from day dot? Their lives are completely different from the time they're born. I always say DD's experience in the womb was even completely different coz with DS we read to him and I talked to him, and even played the piano to him! But poor ol' DD only got to hear me telling DS to 'stop climbing the lounge' 'don't chew on your books' .. you get the picture lol.

I completely agree that the best we can do is give them all the love we can and just sit back and enjoy the ride of where their lives will lead them.

ETA: and on the topic of breastfeeding.. DD will probably never have the boobies all to herself like DS did. So she's learning to share at a much younger age! heh. So their breastfeeding experiences are completely different too. I don't think that sort of thing will have adverse effects on them.

We knew a family with twin boys, and the mother went to great pains to have everything fair for them.. to the point of handing them their knives and forks at the same time so that it was fair!! These boys ended up very competitive with each other. I don't think it's fair to treat them the same.. they're not the same.. even if they're twins.

**MantaRay** · January 19th, 2008, 09:57 AM

I have to say I am with the masses on this one Rory. I believe I treat my boys equally, but definitely differently. They are both very different children and they respond to different things. I have been very concerned about Tom (DS2), as Jack (DS1) is very, very bright. Jack is also very bubbly and chatty and seems to steal the attention wherever we go. Tom has reached milestones more slowly than Jack and will not be reading letters by 18months like Jack etc, so I feel like all his life he will be compared to his brother and come off second best. But Tom is stronger than Jack and a better swimmer, and now that he is a bit older it is clear that he also has a lovely and engaging personality. So now I can see that they each have their talents and that it is ok that their strengths are in different areas.

I never thought I would do this as a parent, but I am discovering that it is important to acknowledge this, even in front of the boys. I might say something like "Jack loves books and so learnt to read early whereas Thomas is my climber and has learnt to open child gates as a younger age". I think that if they grow up realising that they are different but both very special in their own way, it will be easier when they are inevitably compared by others. Having said that though, I am still concerned about Thomas following Jack at school, as I have heard too many stories of second siblings having to endure comments about "not being like your older sibling". So I am considering the possibility of different schools. But that decision is a little way down the track yet!!

I think you will discover what works for you Rory. As mums we spend a lot of time feeling guilty and worrying over things that might never eventuate. At the end of the day we each do the very best job we can, and I think that is quite good enough. We should all be proud.

**Rouge** · January 19th, 2008, 10:05 AM

I treat my kids how they need to be treated with their individual needs. Whilst the same principles are there I may set boundaries differently based on results

I also know that Paris likes to be shown love in different ways to Seth. In a lot of ways they are the same but in so many ways they are different. I guess I am lucky in that I have 1 boy and 1 girl (I just reread your post liz and ditto) so they will never be the same and their differences will probably help them to not feel less or more iykwim? I think the most important thing to do is communicate everything. If I can sense Paris is ever feeling upset/jealous or anything instead of telling her to get over it we talk about it until she can understand that whilst her feelings were valid for her in the moment she misunderstood the situation and the same amount of love for her exists as it does for Seth. As a result my two kids adore each other, they never fight (and that could be the age gap too) and they are very close. I'm sure there will come a time where its Seth's turn but we'll deal with that then. So don't worry too much about doing things differently so long as you listen to your children and help them to deal with their feelings no matter what they are.

**LuluHB** · January 19th, 2008, 02:43 PM

I'm struggling with this one too with my second daughter due in a few short months. I'm beating myself up over stupid things - DD#1 had a beautiful new cot and matching drawers, change table etc. DD#2 is going to be in a cot borrowed from my SIL and a home made change table. I know they won't know but I feel badly that its different - as if I don't love my second daughter as much as my first "anything is good enough for her"!

I agree with the others (in theory!). I think you need to treat your children differently because they are individuals. I think the important thing is that both feel equally loved and important in their parents' eyes. You can't protect them from everything, but if your boys know they come from a home where they are loved and treasured, that is the very best you can do.

**suse** · January 19th, 2008, 03:05 PM

You might end up treating them differently Rory, because they will be different people, but you love them equally, and that's what counts!

As for having no control over whether they have happy lives - as parents we have almost no control over how the outside world treats them (as much as we would like to), but can give them the support and love that will help them through the tough times.