Do most partners get up at night to help?

[DANNIIM]

You and Shel need to sit down calmly and discuss what you both expect and come to a comprimise, yes you are both in this together and yes it is both your responsibilities, but Shel is out there working and i don't know what she does as a living but she is taking responsiblity and providing for her family.
When our DS was a baby i was the one that got up to him during the night and he was FF from 1 month, because DP had to get up and go to work, at least if i needed to i could nap during the day when DS was, where as he couldn't and still can't. DP had a fairly physical job at the time where he also needed to have good concentration.
When this new baby arrives it will be the same and considering he has changed his occupation and is now a Boilermaker i would hate to think that something happened to him because he was so tired and didn't concentrate on something he was doing.
But also there is only so much a person can tolerate before she burns out or loses the plot so to speak and sometimes you just need a little help and Shel should be there when these times arrive.
Best of luck

[ohmygodimamum]

When our second came along it was DP looking after the older one if they woke at night and me looking after the new bub, now im pregnant with the 3rd i make DP get up to both of them at night so that hopefully i'll be ready to be getting up every 3 hrs to the new bub again

[Kmn]

At this stage I would think about how you can get the most value (ie. rest for you) out of Shel's helping. Are you able to feed lying down in bed?? If you have the hang of that then sometimes when Jazz wakes in the night ask Shel if she can change her and bring her to you - it means that you don't have to really wake up until after the feed, for burping and putting back to bed.

Also - during the afternoons, ask Shel to take Jazz for a walk. The chances are that Jazz gets a snooze, Shel gets some cuddles, and you get a break...

Are there people other than Shel who can help out - the less you are alone when Jazz is sad the better!

My hubby had a couple of months off work when our bub was born, and we split the load evenly at that time. Once he went back to work I did as much of the nights as I could - though we had the 2 hour rule, where if bub had been yelling for 2 hours then we swapped whoever was trying to settle him. He still takes vaccination day off work, because sometimes that day is really hard.

He does most of the baths, a few of the nappies, and most of the feeding-solids-in-the-evenings. If boob-settling doesn't work then he'll help settle too. The baths and the feeding are jobs he really enjoys. Ask Shel what her favourite bits of parenthood are, and make sure she does lots of them!

[Beach Mama]

DH doesn't get up in the night when he is working - he gets up at 6 and doesn't get home til 6 so in a way I don't expect him to. Having said that though, there are exceptions, the "she doesn't like me" is a cop out for sure. DH used to walk Iz around the house sometimes for up to an hour to get her to sleep at nights while I went to bed and that was after a day at work. He loved the time with her even if she was Miss Cranky Pants. On the weekends I would give him one sleep in day and I would have one too - but we often compromise.

If I have had a cr@ppy nights sleep(most nights right now) he will get up with her (he's been home from work for a few weeks) no matter what time she gets up. We also have to change nappies in the night to stop her wetting through. Most times DH falls asleep on the couch and comes to me to get me up to do it when he comes to bed - recently I have put my foot down and said he is up anyway. He worries because we have to wake her to do it and worries he can't get her back down - he did it a few times this week without a hassle though so I think he proved to himself that he can do it.

As a PP mentioned hun, feeding isn't all there is to motherhood and I think if you both sit down and talk about how she can help you most it would be good for both of you. It is tough hun and I hope you can come to an arrangement where both of you feel good about it all. She might be feeling a bit left out too but that is no excuse and spending more time with Jaz will help with that anyway.

[nic]

Leasha...
We were fortunate enough that my DH was able to take 4 weeks off when DS was born. Our routine for those first 4 weeks was, DH would get DS when he woke, I would feed him, DH would then take him and burp him so I could go back to sleep.

Now that DH is back at work, and he has a varied roster, our daily life is different.
If DH has worked a dayshift, where he gets up at 4am, and gets home at 7pm, he is still cooking some meals, especially on the days where DS has been a velcro baby. DS is still in our room in his bassinette, so when DH is on dayshift, I get up to him, but DH has on the odd occassion got DS and handed him to me, even though I don't expect him too.

On nightshift, DH gets up around 4pm, and gets home from work around 7am. Most of the time he will look after DS so I can have a quick shower in the morning, then he goes off to bed himself.

On DH's RDO's, he will usually get up to DS, and hand him to me. He usually doesn't burp him during the night anymore, but even just him getting DS and handing him to me for a feed...well it's nice.

Hope you can sort something out Leasha

Nic

[thepixie]

Leash, I'm another one who is probably guilty of 'Shel-bashing' - sorry if that is how you feel.
And the Bear usually doesn't get up in the night, but so far our DD has only been waking up once at night and usually falls asleep within half an hour of finishing her feed (touch wood she keeps doing it!) so I haven't had too much trouble coping with the night shift. But the other night I did ask him to do the night shift cause I was getting ratty due to having broken sleep every night. He agreed (after a little coaxing) and DD (daddy's girl that she is LOL) did her trick of sleeping from 11 to 5 am so it wasn't a big deal in the end. But he does heaps of other things - like cooking dinner 99.9% of the time, taking DD for long walks, looking after her for a whole day so I can get my hair done, sending me to the shops on my own while he looks after her, doing nappies, baths, settling, getting up at 6 and entertaining her for as long as he can so I can sleep longer, and tag-teaming with me when she is being impossible. We were doing that yesterday and I was the one saying "she doesn't love mummy" because he was better settling her than I was! But the point is we worked as a team. It's just about getting the help and support you need and working together as a team. I hope you can talk to Shel and work out a way that it works better for you. I think your Baby Buddies are just concerned that you aren't getting the support that you need and deserve. You are doing a great job but you shouldn't have to do it alone. Big hugs

[mummy of many]

Marydean,I totally agree with you,it`s a shared commitment from both parents not just one.My hubby also holds down a job and works long hours,but he gets DS up and helps me out with night feeds and nappy changes,even paces the floor as bub is teething,just so i get a break,we share our roll as parents and that`s how it should be.

[LuluHB]

Yep, he sure does. I don't want to offend anyone here, but any partner who says "but I work all day" is kidding themselves that they've got the hard end of the bargain. I used to have a highly stressful, highly responsible job where working 70 hours a week was not uncommon. And I'm telling you now, that's a walk in the park compared to this mummy gig. As a mother you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. No lunch breaks. No tea breaks. No annual leave.

It is harder when you're breastfeeding but it doesn't make help impossible. DH used to get up and give DD#1 a bottle of EBM. Since DD#1 and now DD#2 are on bottles we alternate - one of us is "on call" from when we go to bed until 5.30 am. Either baby wakes up, that person gets up and deals with them (EBM can be used so no excuse re breastfeeding - otherwise, just settling etc). Come 5.30 am the other one takes over. This gives each of us a "sleep in" every second day and every second night while sleep may be disturbed with baby monitors going off, you don't actually have to get up. The pay off for my DH being this involved is that his daughters absolutely adore him and there are very, very few occasions when DD#1 needs her mummy, as opposed to simply needing a parent.

And one of my biggest ever peeves is when a partner says "I've fed her/bathed her/settled her for you". Sorry, but they're not doing it for me, they're doing it for their child!! You choose to parent together. Its 50/50 and that includes the nasty stuff as well as the gorgeous stuff.

[tan32]

My Dh doesnt get up to bub, infact he wakes me at 6am when he is leaving for work and asks me if lachlan woke during the night.

It is better now as he has been sleeping through, but it was ever so hard when he would wake and feed for an hour at night, my DH would lay there snoring, sometimes i wanted to belt him. It would have been nice if he could just lay there and talk to me. So i know how you feel Leasha

Its hard now as he is working very long hours 6 days a week so barely sees the kids. I was the same at first thinking i had to do everything as he was working and was tired from 12 hr days, but then i thought hang on im looking after our 2 older children plus bubs 24 hours a day, i need a rest too.
So i had a chat with him, and now when he comes home he gives me at least half an hour to go and disappear and have the shower i might not off had all day etc.

sending you big hugs

[Jewel]

When DS2 was first born, we both got up during the night. DP would change his bum, while I got the bottle, then I'd feed him.
Once DS2 started sleeping during the night and would wake around 6 or so, DP didn't think he'd get up and help anymore and just left it all for me. I kinda told him off one morning while I was half asleep, and since then he does the morning feed, sometimes he lets me sleep through it and does it all himself, or we both do it together - one feed, one change.
My DP tries to pull the "He doesn't settle for me" card, but I'm just like "You'll be right. Keep trying." then if it goes on for too long and they're both getting fed up with each other I'll step in.

I hope she starts pulling her finger out and helping you.
You might just have to try and say something.

Btw, LuluB - My DP says that too about changing/feeding/etc for me. It p!sses me off.

[fionas]

DP used to get home from work and cook dinner, change a nappy, give DD a bottle and I would think "wow, aren't I lucky, he gets home from work but he does all this stuff."

Now I've gone back to work and let me tell you doing those things after being at work all day is A PIECE OF CAKE. It really is, compared to doing it at the end of the day when you've been up from 6am.

Look, I've cracked it lately. DP is a shiftworker so often goes to bed at 3amish so goes to sleep in a separate room so he's not woken up at the crack of dawn. Fair enough, he needs his sleep especially as he's a train driver so can't be sleepy at work.

But he's been on leave recently while I'm still working and was still going to sleep in a separate room. Came up with all the excuses in the world. I know it's really because he doesn't want to be woken up by DD in the morning because she still sleeps in our room. So two can play at that game, I've said what's good for the gander is good for the goose so I've told him I'm sleeping in the spare room for the next month and he can get up to DD every morning.

I'm on Day Five so far. No surrender. Funnily enough, DP is going to bed much earlier these days after spending all day with DD.

[thepixie]

Sorry, but they're not doing it for me, they're doing it for their child!

Great point LuluHB, I was going to say that - DH doesn't take her for a walk or give her a bath for me, he does it for her, because she's his baby girl and he adores her.

[Phteven]

DH used to get up when they were tiny but then he slacked off. he makes up for it by getting up most mornings so that I can sleep in.

[paradise lost]

XP didn't do a night feed until DD was 4.5 months old and i'd left him and he had an overnight access visit. If he didn't do it no-one was going to. He was terrible. He ONCE took responsibility for her overnight and that was because i got out of bed one night at about 1am and said "I can see men in the room. I know they are not real. I'm on the verge of psychosis. I'm going to the spare room. DO NOT bring her to me before 4am". To be fair, he brought her to me at 4.15am, when she woke for the boob.

He wouldn't ever get up even to change her, and to give you all a decent perspective he didn't HAVE a job at that point. He had 2 weeks paternity, 5 days back at work and then lost his job. He was at home all day and he did sweet FA. The day he found out i had feelings for someone else DD was 8 weeks old. He became father-of-the-year overnight (though still did nothing for her overnight) which lasted about 2 weeks. It took him that bit longer to grasp the fullness of his responsibility in the situation, and i think he STILL doesn't feel so heavy a responsibility as i do.

So since she was 4months i've had no help overnight. DP has expressed shock at the way it was with XP, but words are easy so i'm not 100% that he'll be leaping out of bed every 2 hours for 12 weeks either.

I have one friend who had a useless partner and she got through it in what i think is a clever way. SHe bought very good barrier cream (equivalent of $14/100ml), put 3 thicknesses of nappy on the baby (was a cloth-bum baby) and NO-ONE got up to change in the night. She just sat up, fed, lay down (they co-slept or had baby in a cot butted up against the bed). The only time she got up to change was if they had a rash (and we compared notes, my DD was changed every feed and had ONE less episode than her DD in the first year), and then she did it once a night.

DP has a very demanding (intellectually) job and i know he won't do too well on sleep-loss, and it will be his wages which allow us to buy a house, and for me to stay at home with the babies, so my plan is to do what my friend did. DP has to get up at 6 to get ready for work, so he can change the baby then, and we'll see how we go.

Leasha the other night DD was crying from a bad dream at about 3 and i went in to her. I was in bed with her, cuddling and shushing her and she murmured "mama's here, mama's always here". I wouldn't have chosen to do this so alone, but i can't say i regret it too much now either.

Bx

[Marlene]

Leasha the other night DD was crying from a bad dream at about 3 and i went in to her. I was in bed with her, cuddling and shushing her and she murmured "mama's here, mama's always here". I wouldn't have chosen to do this so alone, but i can't say i regret it too much now either.
Bx

Oh boy, this bought tears to my eyes....I am sooo tired....LOL

[kelebek]

That is something I forgot to mention too Leash is that I only ever change DS overnight when he has pooed. He is in disposables (huggies - don't know if that makes a difference), he has had nappy rash maybe twice & only for a day or so I put on some lanolish stuff you use for your nipples & works a treat. I know when they are little they do poo overnight but that should settle soon. I stopped changing him overnight cause it would wake him up & make it harder to settle. Now he wakes up, I put him to the boob asap & he goes to sleep drinking, most times he doesn't even open his eyes.
Hope you sort out a compromise soon

[Indadhanu]

Thanks for the replies everyone Was having a pretty cr@p morning yesterday, after an even more cr@p night. Today I feel less like the world is ending (even though Jazz didn't sleep until 11pm last night, and has slept only about 15 minutes between 8am and now... almost 4 hours awake, what a record!), and I caught some pretty sute smiles on camera so even when she's screaming bl00dy murder, I still have her smiling at me (set one as my desktop photo hehe), so it doesn't seem quite so bad.

And hey, last night I learnt how to cook lots of new things at 3am thanks to Austar LOL! It's easier for me to feed in the lounge room than in the bedroom because Jazz usually likes to chuck a party and stay up, so I get up, change her, get a drink and watch some TV til she settles.

Our anniversary is tomorrow, and my birthday on Monday so HOPEFULLY that means some kind of help from Shel. If not, some serious discussions on Tuesday.

I read a few articles on here, realised I am probably expecting her to be a mind reader. Well, no, to me the things I need are just common sense obvious things, but I guess maybe Shel doesn't realise. We haven't really talked about what would happen if it was the other way around, although we have discussed, sort of, me going to work in 12-18months time and Shel staying home so I guess maybe I can start by talking about that and what she see our roles as being. I mean during her time off she constantly played the playstation/DS/Wii so even though she was home I don't think she fully comprehends how full on it actually is. Especially now Jazz needs heaps more interaction than she did in the first few weeks.

I do get she probably has some things going on with her, not sure where she fits in the parenting thing, being the non-bio mum, but its frustrating that instead of jumping in, shes backing off and getting me to do it instead. Suppose I should bring that up too.


LOL Mel, I know, you're just looking out for me Making sure I don't wreck any of my pots or pans hitting her over the head with it PMSL.

ruf,

And every night, I say to DS, as I kiss him goodnight,... please let mummy get some sleep tonight

well at least i'm not the only one!

pixie, its ok not upset at you guys lol like I said, you're all just wanting Shel to buck up so I don't ruin my cookware hehe.

Aw Bec

Leasha the other night DD was crying from a bad dream at about 3 and i went in to her. I was in bed with her, cuddling and shushing her and she murmured "mama's here, mama's always here". I wouldn't have chosen to do this so alone, but i can't say i regret it too much now either.

Made me cry too Definately all worthwhile

[LadyRaven]

Just wanted to ay *biiiggg hugs* yes they should all be helping out! No excuse! Already told DP that baby #2 if/when happens all the pooey nappies are his and his alone! Mwhaha, will last all of 2 days I'm sure . Stay strong and keep the lines of communication open