There are so many variables in this equation. I came out of ds's birth feeling shattered, broken, a shadow of the person I had been. I told my husband I felt like I needed trauma counselling, like I'd been in a horrific car accident- and that was before I'd ever heard the phrase 'birth trauma'. Of course it effected the way I parented him, especially in the early weeks. I was completley disconnected from this screaming, wriggling little bundle. His crying was a stab at my inadequacy, the desicions I made where steeped in guilt.

But, I had a bad case of PND, which effected my parenting more than the birth experience did. And that's where the variables start to add up- was the PND a result of the birth, or would it have happened anyway? If Id had a good birth, would I still have felt that disconnection, or was that partly a result of my whole world turning upside down, the fact that I knew nothing about babies?

I know it's early days yet but dd's birth was so different. It left me feeling confident, empowered, and intuitively connected to this tiny person who I bought into the world. It made me feel whole- completed, not depleted. And so far, the way I parent both kids have been effected by that- it made me more confident, more aware of their needs and my own.

But again, the variables. How much of this is beacuse I empowered myself, how much is luck? Is it just because I've so far avoided the PND? Is it happening this way because this time I have a little girl, or beacuse she's a better sleeper than ds was? Is she better sleeper because I know what I'm doing this time?

Most experiences that colour how we see ourselves and our world are diluted over time, and I imagine that birth is no different. I can't see ds's birth still being a cornerstone of my parenting in five or ten years time, but I'll keep dd's with me forever. Still, both of them are only a fraction of the total number of things that will-and have already- shape how I relate to my children, and how they relate to the world.

I remember in the postnatal classes I took for ds's birth, the mw running them pointed out that however scared we were of labour and birth, that wasn't the hard part- it was the next 18 years that would really be difficult.