Is it a bit much to write post-birth guidelines for visitors?

[boobaloo]

i would be incredibly offended if there was a written list of rules to abide by, and think i would probably not bother with the parents or child. tbh, if one of my friends did this, i would probably drop contact fairly quickly. sorry darl, but i think it's very patronising. i know it's all new when you have a baby, but people have been holding babies and visiting for years, and usually know what they're dealing with. as others said, a quick, 'ooh, could you wash your hands', should do the trick.

[TeniBear]

It's not just about the hand-washing or the breastfeeding (maybe I shouldn't have given examples...)

It's the looks they'll give me when I don't want them near my baby after smoking. It's the "I know better than you because I'm older/have kids of my own" mentality. It's the not letting me have my baby back when they're having a hold because they think they can settle the baby better. It's the fear that I won't be able to protect my child because I can't speak up for myself. Yeah, I know, I know, "learn to assert yourself, Teni, it's not that hard" - it is for me.

Like I said, I do want visitors in the hospital. I do want some people coming to meet the baby because they might not get a chance for quite a while, and I know how exciting it is to visit new mums in hospital. But until I started thinking about it myself, I didn't realise how inconsiderate and/or ruse I may have been while meeting new bubs. I don't recall ever washing my hands when I met a new baby, even in a hospital. Even as recent as January this year when my cousin had a baby, when I met him I stroked his head and let him put one of my fingers in his mouth. Then I wondered why his dad was shooting dirty looks at me! I just didn't think, and I'm a very baby-centric person. The one friend who I know will visit me in hospital isn't. He doesn't even like kids, so I'm scared that if I don't lay out the rules he'll do something like that. Hell, I'm almost tempted to write a massive list just for him full of stuff like "don't press the soft spot on the baby's head" because he really is that stupid.

But that's just one person, one problem. There's the people who won't understand that I don't want anyone holding my baby, especially without asking me first. The ones who will do what I did and stick their fingers in baby's mouth. The ones who will smoke and want to hold the baby right after. The ones who will come in while baby and I are sleeping and wake us up so they can visit. Like Stoked said, people who will put themselves first instead of me and baby.

These are things I would say to their faces if I was assertive enough. But the closest I can get is maybe showing them a bit of paper saying that I would prefer they didn't do such-and-such, and could they please respect my (our!) wishes?

Yes, some might be offended if I do end up going through with this obviously crazy plan. But the specific people I'm thinking of as I write it? Maybe I don't care if I offend them by pre-empting their offensive behaviour.

Phew, that really wasn't supposed to be as angry and ranty as it came out. But I seriously can't be bothered going through and putting it more rationally

[MummaSue]

Teni, it's your baby, you get to decide what you do and don't want. If writing a list is going to make it easier for you, then go for it - you might actually find that just writing the list and not even giving it to people is cathartic enough for you. I think that addressing these things as they come up might be easier for you though - I know that assertion is an issue for you as you've mentioned - I am exactly like you, really, I struggle to assert myself. But since DD has come along, if there is something someone is doing that I don't like - I have no qualms telling them so and DH has commented on how I have come out of myself. But I just feel so fiercely protective of her and yes, there are things that I don't want people doing - like handling her when they have been smoking. My parents came over when she was 4 weeks old and they smoke like chimneys and I told them that they didn't get cuddles after they'd had a cigarette. Mum rolled her eyes on many occasions but she soon got the message.

As I said before. YOUR baby, YOUR rules hun

[Just Me]

We didn't write a list of rules but we did warn people before each of our babies were born that we didn't know when we would be ready for visitors and would let them know when I was feeling up for it. We also wrote it in the text message we sent out to people. It went a bit like this:

"We are excited to announce the arrival of [name] at [time and date] weighing [weight] and [height] long. We are looking forward to introducing [name] to all our family and friends but need some time to recover and get to know each other first. We will text back soon and let you know when we are up for visitors."

My last two babies have been in special care for the first 24 hours so and I haven't wanted visitors because I am up and down between maternity and special care. I didn't want to have to worry about visitors. I explained this to people before I went into hospital and just reminded them with a text message not to turn up. If I was really worried about people touching our baby, I probably wouldn't have invited them. My brothers that smoke, I did ask them when they came to visit to wash their hands first and they were okay with that. It wasn't a rule though, it was just something I asked them to do and they were happy to oblige when I explained to them that it can cause issues with SIDS and it's not good for baby to be exposed to smoke.

Before I had our first baby, I thought I would feel like you and want to protect my baby and not have people touch them and people leave the room while I was breast feeding, but in the end it was fine. I wasn't bothered by any of that. I felt fine to ask people for what I wanted - like hand washing and everyone took it really well. I was just so excited for other people to meet our baby and share our joy. Even with my last two, I really wanted visitors straight away, but just found it too hard with the baby being in special care and me not being really available for visitors. It was nicer for everyone to wait until baby was in my room.

ETA: You posted at the same time as me so I don't know how relevant this is anymore in light of your most recent post I am not trying to be repetitive and argue with you

[NaeNae]

We sent around a text message to everyone when DD was born saying " baby has arrived, mum and bub fine, we will let people know when we're ready for visitors" that also applied to when we got home. I personally hate it when people go to the hospital, for me its the biggest intrusion, its the only time you have the ability to really relax with your new baby before you go back to your real life.
I was pretty upfront with people about wearing strong perfume/aftershave. If I thought it was too strong I did ask for people to wash their wrists and neck (well it was really only my mum) if they wanted to hold DD. The smokers were asked to wash their hands but they were all pretty good.
I was pretty inhospitable for the first 8 weeks (I had some issues unresovled) and I think I had a good F Off face
Oh in regards to MW's policing, I guess some hossys are better at that than others, our MWs said they were not going to police the halls and unwanted visitors were our own problem!

But back to your question, sorry for rambl;ing, just send a message saying when you're up for visitors you'll let people know .... OR simply do not tell anyone when you go in in the first place until your rested and up for visitors

Nae x

[Tinks]

Teni you keep saying you're not assertive but your post is pretty assertive if you ask me! I was like you when I was younger, I hardly spoke and just let everyone walk all over me because I was too scared to go against the grain. All you need to do is speak up, don't worry about what anyone else says. If you want people to wash their hands before handling your baby just ask them to. At the end of every hospital bed these days is a bottle of hand sanitiser, they're even next to every door to every room with a note saying to use it before going in. Just ask them to use it if they hadn't before they entered the room. I bet they will. Maybe have a hospital gown on hand for the smokers, if you ask the midwife she'll probably be only too willing give you one which you can keep next to your bed and ask them to put it on. If anyone scoffs at your wishes, simply don't offer them the baby, make up an excuse like he/she needs a feed or something.

I don't think anyone here has meant to offend you Teni and I hope I haven't either. Remember this is YOUR baby and you have every single right to ask people to respect YOUR wishes.

[NaeNae]

It's the not letting me have my baby back when they're having a hold because they think they can settle the baby better. It's the fear that I won't be able to protect my child because I can't speak up for myself.

Oh I actually had this very very thing happen to me with my MIL, while SIL and my own FWM (futt wit mother) were all visiting at once. DD was due for a feed and MIL just wouldn't give her back. I was getting very distressed for a number of reasons but the refusal to give me back my newborn .... man that took all my strength to not jump off the bed and yank my baby from her.

Fortunately visiting hours were up and she HAD to give her back ...... FWIW this continued to be an issue up until I really grew a set recently and put MIL in her place. She did the whole "I am going to hold my grandchild now" thing trying to take her from me and I just held DD and said "pardon?"

Its hard when you don't want to ruffle feathers, I understand the not wanting to be ruse or offend, but one day hun there will be a limit and your own Mumma bear will raise her head and people will either like it or hate it but Baby is yours not theirs and sometimes Mumma bear just needs to growl to get that point across x x you'll be fine sweets

[TeniBear]

Feel free to argue with me if you want, after my last post I feel better - kinda like I've just yelled at all the people I anticipate having problems with

I know Scott will end up being with me a great chunk of the time, so he should be able to warn visitors of what we want/don't want. I'm just a touch afraid of the times he's not going to be there. If someone I don't want to see visits out of hours, I can simply pretend I'm asleep when the midwife comes to tell me (and maybe I might "accidentally" tell one or two people the wrong times for visitors )

Tinks, just saw your post - I'm not offended at all by anything anyone's said, I just thought maybe I'd been misunderstood myself so got a little cranky As for the being assertive here thing, that's kinda what I'm talking about. I can write/type it all, but there's no way I'd say any of this out loud to people! You should see me when I need to ask for help with something

ETA - Nae, I really hope I can "grow a set" as well, I just don't expect it's going to happen in those first few days/weeks while I'm still physically and mentally exhausted

Ahhh, and thanks everyone who's replied, whether positively or negatively - I do appreciate your opinions, even when you're telling me I'm a silly little poohead

[Taurean]

Hon, it's tough and a lot of us understand. I had the very same fears before DD was born but most of that went out the window once she arrived!!

The things we did do were:

1. Ensured any 'suspect' characters washed their hands before holding DD. Others did it without asking and there were others I just knew were fine. I was a hell of a lot less anal once DD had arrived! LOL!

2. In hossi, we put a sign on my door (created by the midwives) to say I was sleeping which meant NO VISITORS. I used it a couple of times when I needed a bit of time out and my wishes were respected.

3. My sister was there for DDs birth so she held her early but I was cool with that - I wanted her to, she had shared the amazing experience with us. No on else was welcome in the birth suite. My parents came to visit, at our request, when we moved to the ward 2 hours later. I couldn't wait to show her off and let her proud grandparents snuggle her! I'm very close to my parents though so that may have been the difference. All other visitors were told to wait until the following afternoon so DD was 24 hours old then.

4. I BF when I needed to - and often. Anyone that wasn't comfortable either looked away, chatted to someone else or left. Easy.

5. When we got home I screened all our calls and put our home phone to DND so all calls went to our answering machine. It worked a treat. Visitors came (and went!) when we told them. I was not afraid at all to say 'DD and I need our rest so sorry, but I'm kicking you out' People are often more understanding than you think.

Smoking is a tough one and we didn't encounter that issue (no smokers in our circle of friends or the family in WA) but I would just express your concerns with those who smoke - it's a fair call and if they don't understand then too bad.

If the list makes you feel better then go for it but I think you will offend many (I sure would be if a friend or family member did that to me) and you may actually be surprised how differently you'll feel or how differently you'll handle things once your LO is here.

Good luck

[ezymay]

I get what you mean about worrying about being able to actually say it to people but I reckon the strong mumma bear you are will come out and you will get the assertiveness you need!!!

[briggsy's girl]

sorry, can't help but agree with Tinks - that last post was assertive! you've just gotta put that into practice when the time comes!

i like your suggestions re smokers too Tinks

Teni - you've probably got more reason than most of us to step up and say it how you want it when this baby arrives. your last birth and post birth experience was completely out of your control, and you have every right to want to take that back this time! if people can't respect that, then they don't deserve to be there with you in the first days/weeks.

my mum thought she could settle DD better than i could when she visited - she got the short end of that VERY quickly. FFS MUM - MY baby, MY rules.

my only suggestion is to have baby at arms reach at the start of visiting hours (if not already in your arms) so that, if s/he stirs, you can be right there before anyone else. Even if s/he isn't due for a feed, when people arrive, you can always say that you're almost ready to feed and as soon as bub squeaks, you can put him/her on the breast. don't be afraid to say "it's not a game of pass the parcel or keepings off". you can still be friendly but forceful and get your point across

oh, and don't forget - you may feel like you can't stand up for yourself or your baby, but i can guarantee you that your protective mumma bear instincts will come out when need be - and if you're really worried, talk to PZ about being there for the first visiting hours - if she can help you to stand up to the Ob's during your birth, i'm sure she can help you stand up to family!

oh yeah, you'll learn to say your own version of "sorry to be rude, but i'm going to bed/going to BF/need a break, see ya" and give people no choice but to leave. i love that DD preferred to feed laying in bed in the early days, so i was forever heading off to bed to feed her (even when she didn't need feeding - i just needed space!)

[TeniBear]

talk to PZ about being there for the first visiting hours - if she can help you to stand up to the Ob's during your birth, i'm sure she can help you stand up to family!

I get the feeling it's going to be hard to get rid of her

Haha, after all this worry I bet I only have two or three visitors outside of my parents/brothers at the most! I do tend to overestimate how much people actually care about me (I really want to word that a different way, because it's not quite what I mean, but meh.)

[Cherished]

I get what you mean about worrying about being able to actually say it to people but I reckon the strong mumma bear you are will come out and you will get the assertiveness you need!!!

I totally agree! dh and I have one priority and that is our family. ANYTHING that we may not have said to people in that past now gets said because you know what? Our DS is too important NOT to say it!!! (yes that is worth 3 x !!!) lol Speak up hon, your words are your power. Not sure if you missed it in my last post but I'm gonna say it again anyway. Stand up and speak now or you'll forever be worring about the behaviours of those family and friends around your baby

[Mother Goose]

I haven't read all the replies but wanted to let you know that you CAN restrict visitors in hospital. Tell the nurses and midwives you only want certain people to visit or that you don't want any visitors and put a sign on the door saying that all visitors need to check in with hospital staff first. If they're (staff) not sure, they can pop in and ask you and then send people away. I've seen this done plenty of times and have also "policed" this for patients when I was on the wards.

Re hand washing, just pop in a little joke "Geez, the staff here are super strict on hand washing! Best wash your hands before touching bub so you don't get sent to the principal's office!"

If someone sent me a list of rules, I'd not be as phased as some BUT I would probably think twice about visiting them. It would send me the message that they didn't REALLY want visitors and so I'd send them flowers to the hospital and a pressie to home. And then visit at home once they're settled. but that's just me.

[TeniBear]

If it makes it any better, I've reworded the whole list so all of them start with "please" (By "whole list" I mean all seven things I've thought of...)

I think I'll just keep it on hand for myself at least, and have Scott read/learn it so he can help keep us all happy I think he already gets that I'm iffy about letting people hold bub - when I jokingly said to him yesterday that I don't know what to do with the baby while I'm having a shower or going to the loo in the hospital, he said that he'll hold bub while I do that. So apparently I'm not allowed to wee if he's not visiting

[MummaSue]

I think I'll just keep it on hand for myself at least,

That sounds good babe. I know this isn't the same thing but when we went home in October this year, I was tying myself in knots before we went because I just KNEW (or thought I knew) that we were going to be bombarded with criticism about the way that we are parenting DD. I wrote this HUGE email to our parents and DH's brother and my sister telling them why we are doing things the way that we are with links to sites if they wanted to read more. I planned on sending it the moment we walked out the door to go to the airport, giving them 24 hours to have read it before we got there. I ended up not sending it because it felt sooooo good to just write it - by writing it, all of my anxieties decreased (although they were still there) and it turned out we didn't need it anyway as it wasn't as bad as we thought.

[HotI]

RWH closes the doors at the end or corridor at non visiting hours times and only partners are meant to visit outside those times. Visitors have to be buzzed in so you can definitely veto people outside visiting hours.

[TeniBear]

RWH closes the doors at the end or corridor at non visiting hours times and only partners are meant to visit outside those times. Visitors have to be buzzed in so you can definitely veto people outside visiting hours.

Yep, I remember that from the tour we took - I'll definitely be using that to my advantage I just looked up the visiting hours and they're not when I thought they were, so it'll be easy to pretend I got mixed up and thought they ended at 2:30 rather than started then *evil grin*