Funny things you said in labour

[Willow]

I grabbed my husband by the scruff of the neck an said "Nicole Kidman is never going to be able to do this"!!!!!

[prama]

this is great!

I said to DH " I wanna go home now... I'll come back and do it again tomorrow okay??" In a real pleading voice..

[Jas]

Lol these r funny.

With ds1 I had the gas and the first suck I was standing and literally had to be caught by dh and the midwife on the way to the floor. My middy said she had over 20yrs experience and had never seen someone like that with the gas, after not long I was too out of it to even put the tube to my mouth during contractions so I stopped using it.

I was laughing to the point of tear and almost wetting myself, I told dh I wanted a maccas cheeseburger and I felt like going swimming, he said he was proud of me and I said no, I'm proud of yoooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu (like a drunk and with a finger pointing at him) lol

ds2 I didn't say anything funny, when I was pushing and the midwives came in dh stepped back about a metre and I said Phil, touch me (just waiting to feel he was there) afterwatrds he told me he almost cracked a joke and said "well that's how we got here in the first place" he decided it was unwise to say this haha but I remember the midwife laughing so she must have thought the same thing lol

[AwesomeFoursome]

With ds - when I first had the gas I turn to dh and said 'I'm taking a bottle of this home with me. It's GREATTTT stuff. lol

With dd - Her head was half out and I started screaming give me a epidural. The midwife said just push. I screamed I want a epidural first. Of course I pushed 20 secs later then she was out.

[tattoo_mama]

LOL these are great.
well i was in the spa bath having gas ad started blowing bubbles in the water, then asked for a sandwich and dropped it in the water. and laughed.
the lady asked if the gas was working and i said 'not as good as a cone!!!'
then when they asked if i wanted a mirror to see the head come out and i told them to get effed!


oh and XP kept going wooooaahhhhhhhh woooaahhhhhh everytime he saw the babies head i wanmted to tell him to shut up with the woahs already

[Shanti]

what a great thread!!!

A funny thing I did when in labour right after transition and just before the pushing stage, I was leaning over the bed and felt DD's head just hanging so low in my vagina ready to pop out and I said to DH and the midwife "it feels like her head is RIGHT THERE!!!!" and I started walking with my legs really wide apart hahaha and they said "IT IS...." haha it literally was.... PMSL..... probably funnier if you were there but yeah that was one of the funny moments I guess.... DH still laughs about it

I also lost my mucous plug on the bathroom floor in the delivery suite and I said "woops sorry" and the midwife and DH both laughed a bit....

Oh! And another one..... I was almost pushing and a midwife came in and asked us 'do you mind if a student doctor comes in to watch the birth?" to which I replied "only if she doesn't talk" (it was a male in the end and he took pics for us!!! haha) no idea why i said that but i guess i just didnt want to be out of my zone as i was trying to focus!!! i was a bit annoyed the MW had even asked me that...(its a teaching hospital tho i guess)

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I was on the phone to 000 and i thought i was swearing my head off but wasn't but i was being a bit short/smart with the operator...

He asked the hospital i was going to and i replied, he said oh my wife just had her baby there.. i said "yeah lucky her" (i was home alone on the bathroom floor)

I was more worried about getting underwear on after my water broke as my male cousin was coming to make sure i was ok, i remember telling mum "he didn't even go down that end of peta when she had zac"

Mum also said what will dames (my cousin) do when he sees you like this.. all i said was f**k damian... lol

[Ella]

I gave birth on Rememberance day 11.11.2008 and I remember seeing the minute silence start on telly and halfway through a contraction I said to DF very politely: "shh honey we have to be quiet now it's rememberance day."

What an idiot. I think the lovely men and women who died protecting us would have been ok with me making noise whilst trying to complete a feat many of them would have run screaming from!

[~Hestia~]

These are hilarious!!
I am such a potty mouth, I warned DH that he shouldn't be embarrased by all the swearing & carry on that he'll undoubtably hear when I'm in labour.
But I was actually extremely polite during the entire 22 hours
I said thank you everytime the midwife did a VE or checked my BP or bubs heart rate.
I excused myself everytime I burped.
Said a very meek & quiet okay whenever the midwife asked me to do anything.
I apologised when my waters broke on the floor.
VERY polite - DH & midwife were laughing at me behind my back!!

[e_p]

LOL these are great.
well i was in the spa bath having gas ad started blowing bubbles in the water, then asked for a sandwich and dropped it in the water. and laughed.
the lady asked if the gas was working and i said 'not as good as a cone!!!'
then when they asked if i wanted a mirror to see the head come out and i told them to get effed

ROFL!!! not as good as a cone ahaha

My best friend, after pushing for about 2 hours wailed 'can't someone just PUSH A BUTTON and make this baby come OUT!'

[beckoes]

isnt me, but i remember when my mum was in labour with my sister, i was 13 and she was in the bathroom with my dad and me hovering around bothering her, she just shouted at my us ''do something usefull and make a cup of tea'' we still joke and say it now 13 years later if someone is just standing around doing nothing!

[Inanna]

Willow that takes the cake!!!

I asked for my undies back!

[TeniBear]

* I had wanted a girl and was a little dissappointed at first I was having a boy that the whole labour I was saying 'It's not too late, you can still be a little girl'.

How do you feel now you got your wish three times over?

To add a story: My mum refused to believe she was in labour with my youngest brother. Dad was trying to get her in the car and she was adamant that it was not happening. No way, no how. When they finally got to the hospital (once dad convinced her that yes, she was in labour) she held onto the car door and wouldn't let go. Dad almost had to carry her in, with mum grabbing onto any available surface to stop him from making her go inside. Apparently they got to the birthing room with about ten minutes to spare My other brother and I must've traumatised her so much with our births

[~Saram~]

i actually sang "Mother ***ker this hurts" to the tune of happy birthday?! -

[Glamourcide]

LOL Emma!! I certainly could have gone a few

Had to check back and see whether I'd included DD2's labour - nope, I posted while I was *in* labour with her (got to 8cm and barely felt a thing, yay me - at 8:57 I'd already been told I was 4.5cm and had gone home because nothing else was happening lol)... so should probably add my choice 'dumb quotes' from DD2's birth.

Upon arrival at ER at 4am, I was told it was 'procedure' to wheel me up to maternity. 'What about when I leave the hospital? What happens if I drop the baby and *you* run over it? Huh? I want to walk, people are already looking at me like I'm a total d***head, there's nothing wrong with me!'

At 9cm, wandering around with no pants on, the MW offered me a gown. 'Oh, yeah - because the lights are on in here but it's dark outside so if someone's looking through this window they can see my s***ch.' )Maternity is about three floors above ground level lol.)

Before my waters were ruptured - 'Seriously, what's with these wussy girls who get epidurals? I feel pushy but it's not painful or anything!' About three seconds after waters were ruptured - 'Oh Christ, we're having a baby... now I remember it DOES HURT! IT HUUUUURRRRTS! No, unbreak them, put them back! PUT IT BAAAACK!'

In serious labour, hearing birds twittering outside - 'Oh, whaaat? Is it morning? It's daytime? Why isn't the baby OUT yet?! The birds are awake and putting me off my gaaaame!'

Having trouble pushing, the midwife did an internal and found I had a cervical lip. She tried pushing it back... repeatedly. About the third time, I grabbed her wrist and screamed, 'GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MEEE! You're HURTING ME!'

Baby's head appears, and the midwife says, 'Oh, well would you look at that - she's facing the wrong way. That's why you had so much trouble pushing earlier.' I replied, 'And I bleeding well TOLD you there was something wrong, didn't I? I TOLD you to get a doctor, didn't I? You incompetent FOOL!'

Baby's head was out, I laid back on the bed. 'You can do the rest now, I'm done. Too tired. Wake me when it's over.'

[ciara.e]

oh how fun it has been reading these posts

I remember my DDs birth. I went into labour at home on my own and it was full on from the get go. Rang an ambulance and contractions were immediately 30secs apart and felt like they were going for about half an hour each time. Ambulance told me to lie down cos the baby might come out.. i'm like.. well that's kinda the whole point! i told the girl on the phone that i refuse to lie down... she can just tell her men to drive faster, make it a race!

In hospital, i walked in with the ambo's and they went to get the lift, I said.. i'll meet u at the top, i'm taking the stairs! Gotta lose my baby weight! haha.

Straight into the shower at hospital, my best friend was with me.. i kept saying 'don't look at me naked!' and 'get me something to wear!' i refused to take my undies off! when my waters broke, i had to take them off cos they were all wet and grotty... but i asked for them back! Midwife got me a gown and i said 'fk it, u've seen it already'.. then 'get me some clothes!'... lol.

pushing for half an hour (total 3hr labour), I kept telling my friend and the mw to stop looking at my twat! my friend would laugh and look at my face.. and i'd tell her to stop looking at my face! then i'd bury my head between her boobs. i spent the last 30mins burried in a facefull of boobs. told mw at one stage to stick her whole arm up there and pull her out! She said she can't do that and i whispered..'shhh... it's ok, i promise i won't tell anyone! it'll be our secret'. haha.

i was getting anxious and hyperventilating at the end.. so the mw was asking about the sex of baby and chosen names etc. I told her i was having a girl and her name is Ciara.. she said, oh i delivered another baby Ciara in this very room yesterday! so the next contraction comes and she's like.. this is the last one (head was already out, just waiting for shoulders).. and i didn't push.. nor did i the next contraction or the next.. she said.. are u having contractions still.. i said, yes... but i can't push just now.. i have to think of a new name!

[Glamourcide]

^ LOL you poor thing, what an ordeal!! Hahaha that last bit reminds me of my first daughter's birth, I had her at 2:17pm and we were on the ward sleeping when another woman was wheeled in at around 3am the next morning after an emergency C... the midwife read the card on DD1's crib and said, 'Oh, that lady over there named her daughter Emily, too.'
I then took my phone to the toilet, called DH (this was about 4am) and screamed down the phone, 'THAT B***H STOLE OUR NAME! We have to think of a new one! But we had it first! This is sooo unfair!!' and raved about it for nearly ten whole minutes before he told me to shut up, go back to sleep and we'd talk about it in the morning

[ciara.e]

Haha... that's so funny... and it's all such a big deal when you're full of hormones etc... lol. What can you do though? At least we have humourous stories to tell the grandkids! The birthing part is traumatic even if it goes smoothly... gosh, u seemed to have an interesting one with DD2. I often wonder if there's any midwives who haven't made it out alive!! haha... we seem to say and do things that we don't intend to do!