i'm starting to think about labour & birth for baby #2 & i'm feeling a bit anxious. apologies for the lonnnnng post!

last time round i was induced right on 40 weeks because i had insulin-dep GD & BP that was controlled by medication for almost my entire PG.i did lots of research about inductions & knew the risks but i was taken aback by the amount of pain i was in - i'd sort of prepared for the idea of painful contractions but had no idea that i would have almost unbearable back pain (although DS wasn't posterior) & when the syntocin was up high, i had extreme contractions without a break for almost an hour before they turned the drip right off. i'd always thought i'd had a reasonably good pain threshold but began to wonder if i'm just a giant sook. i had gas, which helped but when DS' heart rate decellerated as i reached the pushing stage & they took me off to theatre i felt like i could hardly breathe through panic & whilst they were already planning to give me an epidural in case they needed to do a c-section, i was begging for the pain relief.

i am likely to be induced at 40 weeks again due to insulin-dep GD again. it's not my preference but i am slowly doing more research & have spoken to a couple of IMs who have reassured me that induction the 2nd time is less traumatic & does not hold the same risk of ending in a c-section. i have asked questions about how to give myself time from each stage of the induction (last time when the gel hadn't worked 12 hours later, my waters were broken & i was on the drip within an hour). i have a student midwife who is lovely & has similar beliefs regarding birth as me. and i would always tell other people that they should trust their body to birth their baby - but why can't i believe that i can do it? why am i doubting my ability to birth this baby with just (for eg) gas? i am worried about back pain again - last time the only comfy place to be was on my back on the bed - the one place i swore i wouldn't be!

ETA - i don't mind other people having whatever pain relief they want but i really don't want an epidural again - last time i was left on my bed, by myself while DP went off with DS for him to be weighed etc and his first feed was formula to try & get his BSL up i didn't even have a chance to offer a feed first. poor DS must have had an almighty headache after being delivered with forceps & i couldn't get up to walk around with him or try to comfort him properly cos i was stuck on a bed.

sorry if this is a jumbled mess...but does anyone have some stories/advice on how they prepared themselves mentally for the birth & really learnt to believe in themselves? i don't have a lot of cash so can't do any birthing or calm birth classes although happy to buy any books you can suggest. i'm also planning on some a/c in later weeks to help prepare my body.