First birth, I would have said D. DH would have voted C but he actually went for A (and didn't make good judgements to boot). Which is why subsequent births are going to be E: DH is going to find out about me being in labour when I tell him that his child has arrived.
I say B and D because my DH needs to be relaxed/confident enough to be an effective support. He does not do stress well at all. For example, I really wanted a home birth for #4 but he was worried due to my previous complication and would have been too tense. I had to consider his feelings in my decision and even though I was prepared to take the risk, I couldn't do it for his piece of mind in the end.
C the majority. I gave DH the option of pub vs private vs homebirth pros and cons for all as well as name of public hospital and private and OB and MW and he said what he thought and I was happy with all choices but was leaning towards what he wanted as well. So we went along to OB appt together and he was happy so we went ahead (I had worked with OB and knew him and his views).
A d for me. But I was probably more like an e at first and then worked Dh around. I think men don't really have a social/cultural framework for their role in birth (beyond waiting room scenes in movies or frantic driving) so they tend to err on the side of institutions and professionals. Now that Dh has seen me birth twice he knows it's more important that I am comfortable and have the support I need, as opposed to his comfort. In fact with ds birth I wanted to be alone. I love my Dh and I want him to be comfortable with the decision, but I do think the birthing woman has the majority of the say.
Great question... really cool! (I also like the fact that it suggests you may be thinking long and hard about your birth options )
My opinion is based on my relationship and my circumstances, I don't believe that it relates to every situation or every body.
For my first birth, I would have said (c) joint decision. If everything had worked out well, I would have thought that decision was a good one. However, my DH, although he is a lovely man that I respect on many levels, is not particularly empathetic or supportive in a birthing situation! In fact, I think that some of the issues I had in my birth were related to issues we have in our relationship and with me not getting the support I needed, to give birth.
For birth two, I wanted to take control of my birth and find a situation, atmosphere and support crew who were on my side with my wishes. That meant that I had to have some pretty stern words with Dh about what I expected from him and if he didn't accept them and meet them, he risked not being present at the birth. I felt I needed DH to make the decision to be there whole heartedly. That said, I would never make a decision without talking with him, considering his opinion and discussion options, therefore, I'm a: d) It is my decision, however my partner's beliefs will be considered when making the decison. kind of girl now!
I must say, it all worked out perfectly in the end and DH was amazing at the birth for babe two, in fact he was the only one there for 95% of it. We reached a good consensus in the end but if he had refused to discuss or understand where I was coming from, I was more than willing to go ahead without him to get the birth I felt I needed and the one that I felt was best for my baby.
I think d. Ideally, it would be a joint decision, and in theory that would mean DH respecting that it's my body and my birth so he would have to come to me, rather than the other way round.
I know some women wouldn't even hesitate to answer E, but while a woman's bodily autonomy is vitally important, this is also his child you are giving birth to and to completely dismiss his thoughts or opinions effectively dismisses how much you value him as your partner and your child's father kwim? THis is just my personal opinion though.
For me, it is a clear 'C'. I needed more than anything to have my DH's uncompromised support and I felt that it was important for both of us to have equal input. I knew I would be fine with the birthing caper, but I needed him to support me fully on a few things that I wanted so we both worked together on that if he had any reservations etc.
I know this birth is going to be really tough for you to prepare for and I can see that this is what is driving this question for you, but I think you will get what you *want* from this birth only if he fully understands what you need from it kwim? There isn't any point in a point plant E response because that may get him offside and make him feel like his opinion isn't valid and he may not be able to support you in the way you need him too if he feels like that. Not saying that E is what you would be choosing, but there is a lot to be said for working through decisions together.
ETA - wanted to add too that while it is C for me, I see that as meaning I would put forward my reasons and then I would let DH put his forward and hopefully we can come to understand why each of us wants what we do. I don't think that means a compromise on my part because ultimately it is my body - so for example if Dh wanted me to do something that was damaging for MY body, but at the same time not affect the baby then it would be a flat refusal on my part, things like C/s or repeat epi etc.
Last edited by Trillian; June 20th, 2011 at 09:45 PM.
I would say (D) I knew what kind of birth I wanted and I researched it but I also respected their opinion on things.
Fortunately both of them pretty much left it up to me but they were very supportive.
Good point Trill - I am only going with E now because I know I cannot trust DH. If he showed me he could, then he could be there. It's open to negotiation right up until labour. If I'd have ignored DH's wishes with Liebling it would have seriously affected our marriage for the worse. Just cos he ignored mine... well, took a bit of working through. But I had to give him the chance to be there for me. Now he has screwed up, just gives me leverage for option E. Leverage that wasn't there when Liebs was born. But DH also wasn't into informing himself or talking to me about my options, he just didn't want to know at all.
Yeah Ryn, you got dealt a super ****ty hand when it came to having his unwavering support with Liebling. It still makes me angry thinking how different things could have been for you if he had of stood up for you when you needed it
It is my body and my choice at the end of the day - however if DH had some sort of input that would make him more confortable then I would also consider what he had to say
I asked DH and he said he would answer D too - he knows where he stands on the issue, my body my choice. Plus I have had a child before (previous relationship) and this is his first.
We kind of just did the hospital/OB thing with our first two. Never crossed my mind not to. Then I started researching and realised I was having over-medicalised births when I was a brilliant candidate for natural midwife-led care and birth. So when Ds3 showed up I decided on a birth centre. Dh was initially not crazy about the idea, I think we even had a few arguments over it. Now though, after the fact, he is the biggest advocate for midwives and waterbirthing and all that other "hippie" stuff
We are currently in negotiations for a homebirth for future baby #4. He is a bit worried about the what if's but in the end he will let me do what I think is best for me. I think we'll come to a compromise like attending hospital ante natal as well as what my IM gives me so that if something does go pear shaped there is some slight relationship with the hospital. In the end though, its my body and I will make the decision thats best for me.
With DS1 there was no choice for either myself or XH. It was emergency c/s in hospital nearly under GA. Neither of us were given any option.
With DS2 I opted to try for a VBAC. I had an awesome doula who was marvellous support. However XH only came to one antenatal visit - the one where he took me to hospital at 41w suffering from (managed) pre-eclampsia. We were given options - either have a c/s the next day, or wait another week and see what happens, with a probable c/s at the end of that week. XH didn't even consult me. He said we were having the c/s the next day because it was more convenient for him.
Just one of the reasons he's the XH now.
If I have any more children, I would like to believe that both my partner/husband and myself would make decisions jointly, but with respect for each partner's views and wishes. So more a c) but leaning towards a d) because I'm good at convincing people that they want what I want...
B, I'd say. I don't think he'd want the responsibility of the decision. But he has had sticking points before (the cost of homebirth, for example) that I've respected.
As others have said though - it all comes down to what the father is like - my partner is laid back and excels in a supporting role; kept a calm and helpful head at the accidental homebirth of our second child, doesn't feel the need to be in control. Were he the type to call the shots without consulting, we'd have a very different type of agreement, one where I made sure he was equally, if not more, informed about the ideal birth, and make sure we were on the same page. As is, the only issues we have is me being uncertain if he'd feel confident to advocate for me in tricky situations, which is why we've always had a second birth support person.
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What role does the father of baby have in the decision of where & how to birth?
)
In fact, I think that some of the issues I had in my birth were related to issues we have in our relationship and with me not getting the support I needed, to give birth.
and I can see that this is what is driving this question for you, but I think you will get what you *want* from this birth only if he fully understands what you need from it kwim? There isn't any point in a point plant E response because that may get him offside and make him feel like his opinion isn't valid and he may not be able to support you in the way you need him too if he feels like that. Not saying that E is what you would be choosing, but there is a lot to be said for working through decisions together.
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