I felt that extreme need to feed my first born too. I know it is not the same as breastfeeding but your body is still creating this nourishment for your baby, you are trying harder than most will ever understand, you should be prouder to know that you have provided for your son under extreme circumstances, I have seen so many people not cope and stop so soon, you are doing and amazing job, you have come so far. I am blessed to be able to breast feed my youngest with ease but to be honest I am much prouder of what I did for my first, I gave her so much when she needed it the most please set small goals for yourself, it helps, I assume you are already seeking help with getting him onto the breast. Use us to vent and gather strength I know you can do it!