Hun, I don't have time to read all the replies, but I read your OP and then the post with a quick rundown of your story.

I really feel for you. I had lots of trouble initially, too. I felt EXACTLY like you do.
I had flat nipples, that just didn't want to stick out much. My BC midwife, after spending 5 hours a day at my house for a few days, was at her wit's end and took me to see a lactation consultant. She managed to help me. And with her advice and regular pumping, I managed to "draw out my nipples". It took a couple of weeks, but I finally got to the stage where I could breastfeed with ease. It was a combination of my nipples not being so "shy" anymore and my daughter's suck being stronger.
I have breastfed for over 3 1/2 years now (with a short interruption during the second part of my second pregnancy).
And for what it's worth, I never had those problems with the second child. So what you are doing now is paving the way for future babies, too.

If indeed you have problems with a fast letdown (I did with my second), your baby will soon get accustomed to this and probably love it. Give her a chance to grow a little.
Keep pumping. Keep trying the breast. Give yourself a break when you need one. I found that taking the pressure off for a day and just feeding EBM helped me.

And you are NOT BEING CRUEL. Breastfeeding takes practice. And yes, it can be frustrating for both of you. But you will both learn.
ABA counsellors are great. But in this case, if they can't help, find a good lactation consultant. I am sure they will be able to help.