my disappointment...

[{sarah}]

I couldn't agree with your more babe.

[mbear]

Danni - whilst i didnt have a c-section, my first labour went horribly wrong. I had a birth plan, i had details such as 'skin to skin contact' 'breastfeed after clean up',
DH cut cord' etc....but i had a retained placenta, major haemorraging and was whisked away for manual removal. I remember my DH followed me out of the birthing suite to be with me.... all whilst our less than 5 minute little girl was alone in the birthing suite !! ALONE !!!. I told DH to go back in there. This was about 11pm...i didnt feed her/cuddle her till 4am.
DH and myself were deeply, deeply scared by this labour. He was literally left with a crying baby (i dont think he had ever held a baby before) all whilst the midwvies were pushing him to bottle feed (he knew how much i wanted to breastfeed).
Anyway, thats my story, whilst my 2nd labour was a dream come true (2 hr labour, fully dilated once at hossi, 2 pushes, out she comes, no tears etc) my birth of my first daughter still has me thinking some days.....why? why did it go horribly wrong?
I really was lucky to get #2 out of my DH, coz he suffered really bad afterwards.....
I guess lessons can be learnt from our experiences.....

[Jodie259]

But surely its not my fault? It just helps me deep down to know there is nothing else I could have done

IT IS DEFINATELY NOT YOUR FAULT.

But I don't really think it's anyone's fault. Some of it was circumstance. Some of it is hospital policy. And there's not a lot you could have done at that time.

It was the first time you were having a baby. You had no experience of what to do and Mason's early arrival wouldn't have helped the issue either.

There are a number of things that I have learnt from (1) my first birth and (2) suggestions that I have heard on BB.

For example - I had never thought to lower the screen... or ask for the baby to be bought into recovery or to try to breastfeed ASAP. But in 4 months - I'm going to ask for all of those things! And this time I WILL carry my birth plan with me everywhere (and not rely on DH) - so that he can cut the cord. I am having an elective c/s... and now I keep getting the feeling that baby #2 will want to come into the world sooner, and I end up having a VBAC.

It seems that Mason had a bit of a stressful entry into the world... and hopefully your #2 won't have to experience that. But at the end of the day you have a beautiful little boy. Look forward Danni... think about all the positive and wonderful things that have happened.

XOXO

[Inanna]

Big big hugs Danni... I have had a little weep reading your story. Thankyou for sharing it - I hope it has helped.

Sheries post was excellent she explained why and I hope that can help some...

Birth plans I believe are really really important. To have them implemented we have to talk them thru with our careproviders so a place of mediation can happen. Essentially you both have to agree to the "conditions" or the contract so to speak.
Now, when things go smoothly it is often not a problem to implement them. But when there is a hiccup it is sometimes not that easy. I am so sorry that you have been left feeling the feelings you have.
I also understannd the need to blame someone. That's a normal stage of the grief process and what you are experiencing is grief that your birth didn't happen as you had hoped. :hugs:

Maybe in time you can look at it a little differently - or maybe you won't. Next time will be different. If you chose a VBAC I would choose a midwife/doula to go through the prg/birth with you as extra support. If you choose a c/section I would do the same. Advocacy is important as important as the support of someone trained to support women through this experience.

Men do see it differently sometimes. It's the result that is most important. But often for women (I know for me this is true) the process is so intertwined with the outcome so as not to be separated.

Lots of love Danni

[Danni]

A big Thank you to everyone.

This thread got DH and I talking and he doesnt really remember much about the day and says it is a blur. I feel somewhat the same, but it is an unhappy blur to me.

It has really helped to get all of this out after 3 months (finally!).

As for bub no#2...should we be lucky enough to be blessed with another baby, I have a HUGE decision coming my way. VBAC or no VBAC....now thats another thread

[Jodie259]

Glad that you and DH had a chat about it... but I don't think guys feels any of the emotions that women do. I think they just see the outcome (healthy baby & healthy mum) and focus on that. They haven't experienced the actual pain of pregnancy or childbirth, nor understand the disappointment of things not going as you had planned.

Happy that it has helped to get it out. Maybe you can work out a way to turn the negatives into positives... like write something down that says...
"I didn't get to (blah blah) - but I got a beautiful healthy baby"
"I didn't get the things I wanted this time - but I have learnt things for the next time"

And I'm sure there will be a next time - and maybe one after that!
And the next time you won't be a "first time mum".

Like you - I've had to decide VBAC or not. I've gone ECS... but I have a gut feeling that baby will come early and I will be faced with VBAC at that time. It's something I have to discuss with my ob on my next visit.

[joralyd]

mbear thanks for posting your traumatic birth it actually made me realise it's not just mum's who have c/s that feel that dissapointment and need support :hugs: big hugs to you!

Danni I really feel for you I know that feeling of bewilderment and blur when birth doesn't go to plan and you just expect that it will happen naturaly. We don't expect to have to have a C so we don't prepare for one which makes it more of a shock :hugs: