VENT: my child talking about suicide on Christmas Day

[Butterfly Dawn]

He's gotta lift his game up.
you can always use- if the child welfare agency went to your house and found it in this state and no food...

sounds like you need some real help with him.
maybe centrelink would be a place to start or whatever the child welfare agency is. Im sure they can point you in the right direction.
this situation isn't good for any of you

[Gigi]

in comparison with what other single mums go through, having to send their child (court ordered) to stay with dads who have sus people in the house, no bed for child etc etc, i realise i am in a better situation than many. At least i know she is not in danger of drugs/alcohol/etc when in his care, so i'm in a much better situation, than many other single mums out there - who are rightfully worried out of their heads. Child Services would not attend to this, she is in no immediate danger, she does get fed, even if it's poorly by my standards. No-one is abusing her, she has a bed, she has her own room. Child Services is so over-stretched in this state, they cannot attend all the Priority One cases.

What he does - poor planning, inability to prioritise, lack of judgemental re age appropriate information, it's all a grey area. Nothing concrete. I've been told so many times in mediation, i do not get any say, on how things function in his home when she is there.

You are all lovely, but no-one can fix the unfixable for me, i just needed to vent. Jan 16 roll on

and if you have a lovely partner, be grateful, they are a rare and special breed.

Yes Butterfly Dawn, the patterns of behaviour now, also contributed to me having to leave, two years ago.

[Butterfly Dawn]

sorry I didn't mean to offend you

your right she is a lot better off then many.
its really sad that there's no help available to those in disparate need and those like yourself who could do with a hand of giving a partner a wake up call.

the system needs help and many of us need resources to call on at times.

I really didn't mean to offend or sound judgmental. was just running through ideas.

[nickle730]

Hi Gigi, It must be very upsetting to hear your DD speak about her feelings of worthlessness. I hope your appointment in January is positive and gives you some direction in how to best help Bilby.

On a practical front, could you send with your DD whatever meals she will need whilst she is with her dad? A sandwich for lunch, a bowl of pasta for dinner...? I realise you shouldn't have to and that he should be capable of providing her with food, but if you send meals at least you will now she is fed whilst she is with him. Would he accept the meals if you tried? She could have a special lunchbox for when she is with daddy and you could make it something she looks forward to.

[BellyBelly]

Can relate to so many things you're saying Gigi. Some great advice here. Hope you get some breakthroughs soon.

[Gigi]

You are all lovely, but no-one can fix the unfixable for me, i just needed to vent. Jan 16 roll on

and if you have a lovely partner, be grateful, they are a rare and special breed.

Yes Butterfly Dawn, the patterns of behaviour now, also contributed to me having to leave, two years ago.

Butterfly Dawn, tis ok, you haven't offended me at all.

Many great suggestions from many lovely people.

[Butterfly Dawn]

How are you both going?
Really wish I could give I both a big swishy hug

[Gigi]

her father won't talk to me about the topic at all.

sometimes he has so much lack of empathy, i wonder if has Aspberger's or something. You know, really smart at maths and tech stuff, but like a block of ice about emotions, relating to people etc. Hope my very poor grasp of Aspberger's is not going to offend any BB members who have kids on the spectrum - hope i haven't said the wrong thing. Poorly expressed i know.

bilby didn't mention the topic today - feel like i got a reprieve. one day free - although i was on my guard for it all day. She got close a few times, but i headed it off at the pass.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Its very hard when one will not talk. You can't get anywhere
A whole day free of it is good for u both.
I hope the appt really kicks things into motion for you. Can't come soon enough hey.

[LionsandBears]

Gigi - I'm not qualified to diagnose, but some of the behaviour you describe from your ex are similar to ADD/Aspergers behaviours I've seen in others (including myself). From my perspective, I'd behave as if he is on the spectrum and deal with it from there. At some stage, he's going to have to deal with the fact that his daughter is depressed or she won't be safe being with him.

[Gigi]

ten days away to the appointment.

bilby mentioned feelings of unworthiness, no use to anyone, not important etc, quite a few times today.

at one stage, hitting herself in the face. I told her, "i don't want anyone hitting or hurting you, including you". Was having an outer body experience at the time, coudln't believe my own child was hitting herself, wanting to punish herself, thinking "am i having the right response?" "what am i meant to say in this situation" "i wish this was a bad dream".

She is having over the top reactions, to me correcting, teaching, keeping her safe type parenting moments.

worried i will not be able to relay all of this, come up with examples etc, when i see the CAMHS worker.

10 days now.

[bella12]

maybe write some of the examples down after they happen to take with you to the appt. 10 days isn't to long but I bet it feels like 10 weeks. I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't improving. You're doing a great job from what I can tell in handling the situation, I hope you're looking after yourself too.

[Cass72]

I just wanted to offer hugs first and secondly just to give you another angle.

My husband's daughter went through a faze (for want of a better word - sorry) of saying she wanted to die and thought about killing herself.

In her case it was manipulation and a cry for attention. We know this because she was seen by a counsellor who concluded that she exhibited none of the danger signs (paraphrasing here) and was just seeking attention but lacked the emotional maturity to fully understand what suicide actually was.

Maybe your daughter has heard of suicide (an off-hand comment of, I just wanted to kill myself either IRL or television) mentioned it to you and seen the reaction.

I hope you don't think I'm discounting your situation and fears - I just wanted to offer up something we had experienced.

[Butterfly Dawn]

perhaps keep a diary, write it all down a few times a day

[Sunny Love]

Oh Gigi! I've just seen your initial post! How unsettling, worrying, sickening, plus so much more.
I felt a huge sense of reassurance that you've already sought professional help from outside.
Until then, if this was me and my DD, i'd make a bigger effort at home (and I know you make a super HUGE effort with Bilby anyway ) to google 'positive, self affirming tasks for children' or other activities that focus on the 'All about Me' side of her. I will also hunt for some enriching activities later and pass them on to you.


A bit about me. At the age of 7 years, I also fantasised the same morbid thoughts, not because I desired to die, but I *think* because I was so aware of immortality at such a young age. I used to imagine 'how' I would do die, the circumstances behind my death, and other people's reactionsto my death etc It is very morbid. As a young child, I would also draw images of my grave & write eulogies! I was sent to a psych, again. It was put down to a death in my family, that I had struggled to cope with and understand.
I suppose what i'm trying to say is, the idea has come to her from somewhere, and she is perhaps exploring the notion of immortality also.

Let me know how you go, and I will send some activites through soon xx

[Gigi]

cass72 - bilby doesn't have much access to tv (only ABC2 in limited doses), no electronic games, no computer etc.

Her dad often takes her on bike rides thru a local cemetery, which i'm sure, heightens her awareness of death and dying. He has alot of trouble discerning what is and what is not "age appropriate" conversations and topics, to discuss with a 6yo - i'm not there when these occur, so hard for me to know exactly what he's talking about with her, i just get to find out bits and bobs from her.

She doesn't use the word "suicide" as such. But i agree, all these things she IS saying, could be a cry for help. She seems angry and depressed - i think she feels totally powerless, to get her mum and dad to live together in same house again - which is true - she wants it, it's not going to happen. She feels powerless to have more family, wants siblings, wants grandparents, wants cousins to play with - none of this is going to happen.

i think the bullying she has experienced at school, has had an effect to, like a "giving up". Like she values herself less now. (after ONE year at school, in Reception for crying out loud).

sunny - i would be very interested to hear about the enriching activities you mention, thanks so much.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Does she do outside classes?
Something physical would be good so she can get the endorfines (sp) I'm just clutching at straws.

You are doing so well it may not feel like it but you are.
You can't police everything she sees and hears etc.

I do still think you need help with your ex and fingers crossed this appt will start the ball rolling with help for u, her and him.
Hugs hugs and more hugs.
A few more days...

[Sunny Love]

Just quickly, i'll be able to add to this post later when kids are in bed (and asleep!)

Synopsis of a 6 year olds development:
Emotional Awareness
Six-year-olds will become more aware of emotions -- both their own as well as those of others. They may understand sophisticated concepts such as how to be careful about not hurting someone’s feelings by, saying something critical about them directly to that person.
Confidence and Insecurity
For many 6-year-olds, the centre of the universe will, for all intents and purposes, still be them. Six-year-olds will regale others with stories about themselves, and will naturally expect others to be as interested in them as they are. They will be proud of their accomplishments and talents, and will want to share their artwork, physical abilities, and other things about themselves that they feel make them stand out and be special. It will be up to parents to guide children and teach them about the fine line between confidence and boasting. At the same time, they will feel insecure, and will want praise from others. Six-year-olds may want to do things perfectly, and may be hard on themselves if their performance isn’t as good as they wanted it to be (if they lose at a game or can’t seem to get a picture to look just the way they wanted it to, for instance). They will want to fit in, and will want their friends at school to approve of the things they do. Six-year-olds may have a hard time accepting criticism or admonishments, and may be more sensitive to discipline. Much of this insecurity will stem from a 6-year-old’s natural move toward independence. Parents can help by being aware of this push and pull, and can help their child feel better about forging ahead more on their own by providing a comforting atmosphere at home where kids can feel secure in daily routines and reassurances of love and understanding.

Social & emotionally enriching activities for a 6 year old: To be added to continually!
Role playing activities simulate real-life situations that involve emotional or social development. Children are able to practice handling situations they might encounter, such as a peer who won't share a toy or a child who is bullying. The children act out how they could handle the situation in a socially acceptable way, keeping the emotions of the other person in mind. Instead of acting out the situation themselves, kids can use puppets, dolls or action figures. Dress-up play, where kids pretend to be another person, also works well. The extent of the role playing should depend on the age of the kids and their emotional and social development levels. Their is no right or wrong in role play, we simply observe, interact when guided to by the child, and facilitate new social strategies to explore.

Creative play time activities let young children express emotions they may have difficulty verbalising. Painting a picture or playing with clay are two examples of art projects to facilitate social and emotional development. Other ideas include body movement & expression, music and sensory activities. Kids are able to use creativity freely during these times, expressing their own thoughts and ideas.

Online resources for top ideas:

http://www.teachpreschool.org/

http://www.abilitypath.org/areas-of-...velopment.html

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotion...lf_esteem.html


Apologies in advance if any of these links are not allowed. x