So I just had an emotional meltdown, DH is away and he told me on the phone to just choose what you want to do (for Mother's Day) which made me feel like I had to choose between my mum and spending the day with him doing the stuff he needs to do with his mum and daughter.

anyway, so my meltdown included a long winded text to him as follows...

I'm sorry. No other family I know does things separately when it comes to stuff like this and I feel like you don't want to spend the time with my family - like you don't care.
I know I'm making a bigger deal than it needs to be, but I feel like I sacrifice a lot for your daughter, i am always thinking about whats important for her and sometimes I wish I came first. You just tell me not to worry, or just make a choice, but you don't understand what you are asking me - choose my mum or you... Really..?! How can I possibly do that... I want to choose you, but I want to be a good daughter. I feel like a pathetic pile of crap that can't get anything right, even with this I am stuffing it up and annoying you, but I just want you to understand that I am finding it challenging. I want you to say it will be okay and we can work it out -not that I have to choose between two of the most important people in my life.

Even worse I know you are going to ignore this and not even mention that I sent it. I know my irrationality probably reminds you of your stupid crazy ex wife and I hate that, but you know I can't keep pretending that I am okay with everything.

I just want you to let me know I am not alone and don't have to make the decision by myself and not a ****ing idiot like I feel. Not to change the topic or pretend it didn't happen. That my feelings are okay even if they are a bit silly. That my stress is on your shoulders too. That we will make it happen together. I just don't want to feel alone. I try really really hard not to make you feel bad and to push things aside and be a good, non stress, low maintenance wife... But I can't keep stuffing all my frustrations inside in the worry they will remind you of her.

anyway... I know its stupid to send him a text to say how I feel, but I just can't say it... I am sure there is a whole year of weekly counselling in that concept alone... But anyway... He has never responded before to my attempts at written communication with him, but he did call back tonight. This is a good thing of course And did make me feel better...

But our conversation included a discussion about everything that's going on for us with TTC. He said things like "you have to be selfish, we have a small window of opportunity for this and you will be the one thinking about it in 40 years, not your brother or sister or anyone else, you have to be selfish and not worry about what they think"

i said "but if I am selfish wont that make me a terrible person" which of course he said no. I know he is right in one breath, and in another, I feel like... Hang on, it's not okay to be selfish, we need to be a community, we need to look out for each other and try to do what is right for the important people in our world. Thinking about others is what makes us "good people"...and I that there is another assumption, that being a good person is what we are striving for....

I believe that we are all innately selfish at some level, and I feel like I fight against it within myself all the time.... And see it in others... My mother once told me I was selfish... Self centred, in that my automatic reaction was to think about how the situation would impact upon me, before I decided what to do... She said that's usually chose the 'good helpful option' but she insinuated that it didn't come naturally... I had to think about being nice.... At least that's how I took it....

So it got me thinking what the BB community thinks..... How does being selfish fit in your life....? What are your experiences of others, and how do you see it in yourself... And what do you think about it??

And maybe that would help me feel a little bit less miserable about the choices I am making to think about myself and what I need at the moment. Although perhaps I am not doing such a good job at it, which is why I have been crying for the past two hours

I just thought I was happy, I thought I was doing okay...

But one little bump in the road and the whole car has broken


Ill be okay tomorrow... Really... I'm just experiencing emotional meltdown right now and could do with some words of encouragement and to feel less alone in this stupidity that is my brain.