Cai: Everything you said makes sense. However I hope it doesn't come across that I am only looking for a village so that I can get something from it like free baby sitting. I do believe that I spend an equal amount of time wondering what I can contribute, but I like i mentioned earlier it seems that so far that what i have to offer hasn't really seemed of use to anyone... even my company or conversation. However I think this will change as I get to know new parents at my DS's new school.

I've been a SAHM for nearly 9 years in total... not consecutive. And I guess it wasn't until I had my third child that I have really started to mourn a greater sense of connection to a village. Maybe when I was working and studying I was too busy to even think about it... and when I was younger with my first child I didn't expect to have much of a village because I was the first of my friends to have a baby and kinda expected to be isolated.

What really changed my perspective was developing a chronic illness. When I was diagnosed with Graves disease I lost alot of my resilience That notion you described Cai of happily accepting 100% responsibility for the care of my children was severely challenged. At the worst of it about a year ago things got so bad that I did something really hard and asked for help... asked for the one thing I swore I would never do: ask another mum to drive my 4yo to kinder. She didn't have to drive more than 3 houses out of her way but I still found it so hard. I really had no other option... it was either ask and risk rejection or pull him out of kinder because there was no way known I could get him to kinder every day with the extreme fatigue and chest pain that I was suffering. Anyhow this lovely mum did help and I am forever grateful. I offered several things in return... would her son like to come over and play during school hols... could i pick him up from kinder occassionally too... but no... she never asked anything because she had her own mum to do all that thanks. Once I started to respond to medication and felt better I imediately resumed full transport responsibility of my DS. Very conscious not to take advantage.

So... I guess my point is that while we are fit and healthy and capable then needing people in terms of what they can do to help is minimal... but what if you too fell ill.... what then?

For me I could see the almost spiritual benefit of going through the humbling process of asking for help... it certainly made me leave my comfort zone! And maybe it has also opened my eyes to signs that other mums might not be coping. There's a mum at my son's school that I see everyday... her DD is in my son's class... we often pass out the front of the school... as I am leaving she is grimly pushing her pram, running late again. I don't think i have ever seen her smile. She always looks sad. It would be easy to choose a more receptive parent to smile and say "hello" to... but I continue to make an effort with her. Her vibe is just so lonely... I hope she too isn't battling on without a village How can i not feel for her?