Family structures and annoying comments
This has been on my mind for a few days now, and I just need to ventilate it a bit ...
I was at a work function the other day, one where students and grads in our industry come, and make connections with practitioners. I met several students, grads and colleagues, and was having a good time.
One young woman I was speaking with (a student, early 20s) was surprised that I had kids – no drama, I look younger than I am, and it’s pretty common in my field for people to have their family a little later than average. So I confirmed that yes, I have two sons.
Then she asked, “Is it really hard to have kids, and be a lawyer?”
That’s a pretty loaded question, and it was clear that she was expecting me to say “yes”. I say it’s a loaded question, because it’s well known in our industry (and particularly in my area of specialisation) that part time work is almost non existent, hours are long, travel is frequent, and it’s pretty full on in general, in terms of stress and workload. There are other areas of specialisation which lend themselves to more flexible arrangements, less travel, less conferences, and something closer to a “9 til 5” balance, but my area just doesn’t. I’m fine with that, and I went in with eyes wide open. And ultimately, if I wasn’t happy, I would do something else. But yeah, loaded question, because it was asking about the compatability of work and parenthood, which can be a controversial topic.
Also, it very very clear from her demeanour she was expecting me to say “yes”, so the next part of the conversation (whether it was about inflexibility, or how to make it work better, or glass ceilings, or something else) could progress.
This in itself isn’t a problem – I think it’s good and appropriate for people to ask others in their desired field about how they make it work, what they have found that works well, what does not, what strategies do you use, what is the good, the bad and the ugly of the industry, etc. It’s important to be able to ask people these questions, and I’m happy to talk about these things – especially as I valued people speaking to me about them, when I was studying, and looking towards the future.
In any event, my answer (which I’ve given dozens of times in response to questions around this concept of kids+work) was, “No, my husband is an at home parent, and that works really well for us.” because she clearly was asking about the home / work balance, the school pick ups, the bedtime story, etc – and my answer shifts the focus from “mother” to “primary caregiver” and usually is in and of itself enough to explain how our household manages to run.
She looked mildly surprised – again, nothing new there, as while there’s an increasing number of at home dads, it’s still far from the norm. I did find it a little unusual though that someone her age was having this reaction, as I generally find that younger people are much more aware of the growing number of SAHDs and respond quite positively.
She quite quickly pressed on though, saying, “Yes, but if he wasn’t prepared to do that, wouldn’t it be really hard to have kids and be a lawyer?”
And that was the kicker.
I was really taken aback by her response. “If he wasn’t prepared to do that” – what does that mean? If a father wasn’t prepared to look after his kids ... que? As though the dad may just turn around one fine morning and say, “screw this malarkey, I’m heading off back to work” – and that may instantly mean that the mum just has to change or quit her job, because the father has the absoute right to unilaterally decide what both parent are or aren’t going to do, and the unquestionable ability to dictate what the child rearing structure will be. And as though the mother simply has to do whatever (out of working outside the home, or being a stay at home mum) the dad doesn’t want to do?
On what planet is that just a unilateral decision the father would get to make – especially if it would mean the mum / co-parent would have to drastically change their career / life / the family’s financial situation? Last time I checked, it’s pretty standard (in Australia, in 2014) for those things to be a conversation between two adults, and not a dictation by one.
And in this particular conversation that I was having, why on earth would she think that this wasn’t something which was considered at length before any delightful cherubs actually arrived?
The whole attitude had me really surprised.
Now for us, DH had wanted to be a parent and an at home parent for some time before we started a family. I too wanted to be a parent – but not an at home parent. I wanted to have a career. I have wanted to be a lawyer for almost as long as I’ve wanted to be a mother. And my DH not only supports, but actively encourages this – and has done since we got together in high school, before I even got into law school, let alone completing uni and joining the workforce. DH wants to return to the workforce one day – but not until the boys are well and truly settled into primary school, and even then, he wants a job where he can be with them during the holidays, and if possible, where we’re not reliant to before and after school care. And I 100% support this.
Now, if he turned around one day (or if he had done so, prior to now) and said for whatever reason that he wanted to go back to work – we’d discuss our options as a family. We’d talk about what he wanted – part time, full time, self employed, etc. We’d talk about care options (daycare, family day care, nannying, sharing between ourselves, etc) and we’d figure something out that worked for us. Like what I’m guessing any of you reading would do, if that was your situation.
But the conversation sure wouldn’t be:
DH: “Honey, I want to go back to work.”
PN: “That’s a-ok. Let me check what my notice period is, and I shall resign immediately.”
Or: “Okey dokey, am I allowed to work part time, or maybe by remote access a little?”
Or: “No problemmo, I will see if I can get an inhouse job locally, and would you like your pipe and newspaper now, or later, by the fire after my hair are in rollers?”
Nor would it be:
DH: “Honey, I want to go back to work.”
PN: “Too bad so sad, I have a career and so you must stay at home with the boys until they are 25 and living in their own homes, no more dreams for you!”
We would talk about it! In an open honest and respectful way, and we would decide what works best for us as a family. DH would no more expect/demand/assume that I would change my career, than I would expect to dictate what he does or doesn’t do at work or at home.
So after taking a pause, and considering my approach, I responded, saying that having a kids is a two person decision, and deciding how they will best be brought up is also a two person decision – and so if my DH didn’t want to be an at home parent any more, then he and I would discuss our options together, and come up with a decision together.
She looked a bit confused.
So I said, “When a couple have a child, the mother being the carer is not a given or a default position. Caring for kids, looking after the home, and bringing in income are all joint responsibilities.”
She then said no, no, that’s not what she was saying, just wouldn’t it be hard being a lawyer with kids, etc ... and then she changed the subject, and I just let it drop.
But I was pretty surprised, and a bit disappointed that this young woman, on a great career trajectory, one of the best and brightest in her class, in 2014 still apparently believed that we’re living in a world where a woman can decide whether or not to have kids, but if she does have kids, she better hope and pray that he partner is “ok” with her working (if she wants to do so) otherwise she’s going to have to choose between them.
I don’t see anyone going up to a guy, and saying, “Oh, you have kids, and a job? So who looks after them?” Or “Gee, your wife must be an awesome lady, if she’s ok with you being out at work all day.” Or, “A conference this weekend? Who have you organised to take care of your kids?” Or, “I heard you had a baby – congratulations! So how many days a week are you working, now?” Or, “Do you think you are really still up for the job, now that you have kids? I mean, how are you going to manage the long hours? What is one of them gets sick?”
Dudes. Having a career and a family is not “trying to have it both ways” or “having your cake and eating it too”. No one would go up to any working man out there with kids and say these things, would they? I doubt it very much. So why is it still the attitude I see?
Why are our young and rising women still thinking this?
It was just one reasonably short conversation (in a broader context - there was obviously more to it than just the above) but it is one in a plethora of other conversations, and I just don't see why the conversation is still so behind the times ...
How do we change it?
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